Monthly Archives: February 2021

“Social calendar” this weekend

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I can’t even believe it. For the first time ever, I actually have three virtual social events to “attend” this weekend: a catch up with some female friends on Saturday night, a reiki launch session with a friend, and a friend’s baby shower. And then today, we had a Google Hangout with Chris’s parents and brother. It’s the “busiest” social period for me since the pandemic began.

I used to always feel so exhausted every time certain friends of mine would talk about how “back to back” all their friends outings and gatherings were every weekend, how they would literally go from event to event from Friday night through Sunday night. I wasn’t sure if it was a way to brag or show off that one had so many friends, or if it was meant to complain because they packed their schedules so much. But for me, just having three events on a single weekend is a LOT. But I’m looking forward to it. I do enjoy my alone time. I love reading and cooking and doing things by myself. But I also miss socializing in small groups and 1:1 with friends more regularly.

Progesterone in oil (PIO) shots vs. vaginal suppositories

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Before starting the IVF process, what I feared most were the injections. Little did I know that the daily stimulation injections leading up to egg retrieval were actually done with small, manageable needles administered on your abdomen, meaning, well, there’s a decent amount of fat on your stomach, so they won’t hurt very much beyond a tiny sting.

The “scary” injection is actually the progesterone in oil (PIO) shot, which is done to prepare your body (endometrium/uterus) to accept the embryo during an embryo transfer. The PIO is particularly ‘unpleasant’ as my doctor says because the liquid you are injecting yourself with is very very thick (hey, it’s called “oil” for a reason), which means you need to use a higher gauge needle, which… is not only thick, but it’s long… like SUPER LONG, 3-4 inches. And, as the added bonus, this needs to be administered on your butt. Yep, on your butt cheek.

You’re also expected to continue taking progesterone in various forms through the 9th to 12th week of pregnancy, assuming your transfer was successful. I asked my doctor about this during the IVF consult, and he said that this clinic actually had stopped using PIO because vaginal suppositories of progesterone were just as effective, if not more, than PIO (this is, of course, assuming that you as an individual do not have any known problems with an embryo “sticking,” so definitely take this statement with a grain of salt depending on your individual case and reason for going down the IVF route to try having a baby). So, I would not need to mentally prepare for PIO while at this clinic.

That was honestly like music to my ears. No butt shots. No big, fat, long needle. No butt icing. No butt heat applications. Phew.

But vaginal suppositories, at least the ones I am taking, are like vagina pills. Really. They come with an applicator similar to a tampon applicator, and you insert it through your vagina as far as it goes.Then pushing on the applicator, the pill pops out. That pill is then supposed to dissolve and be your body’s added progesterone to support your pregnancy. So lucky me, for this mock cycle, I get to insert this three times a day, as soon as I wake up, right before bed, and at some point in the middle of the day. As you can probably imagine, the middle of the day insert is not super convenient and would be even worse if it weren’t for this work-from-home/global pandemic situation.

No one told me this would be messy. I had quite a mess with some of the progesterone leaking out and had to clean my underwear twice. It really feels like a dissolved pill, mushy, white, and pasty. And so, I’ve learned my lesson and am wearing a panty liner from now on. Oh, the joys of IVF.

ERA test

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So after chatting with my reproductive endocrinologist and thinking about how I’d eventually like to STOP going to the clinic completely and actually have a child, I decided that even though the numbers weren’t that convincing that I’d suck it up and do an ERA test alongside a mock embryo transfer cycle. Most people, even those who have gone through IVF, may not even know what this test is. It’s become more common for IVF patients to do this in the last 20 years, particularly after failed embryo transfers, but it stands for endometrial receptivity analysis test. During this test, the doctor will take a biopsy of your endometrium, which is the lining of your uterus, and also the place where a woman’s body prepares for the arrival of an embryo each month. The endometrium, in that sense, is essentially a “home” where the embryo implants and resides during gestation. An embryo is able to implant during a specific receptive period of a time during a woman’s cycle, and this is called the “window of implantation.”

I’m not really that excited about having a ‘biopsy’ done of anything of mine, but I’ve figured… I’ve come so far in this whole terrible process that if there is just one more thing I need to do to give myself some level of reassurance that we’re doing what we can to ensure success, then I will just do it. I was reading about how this test feels, and it is supposed to be about 5 to 10 seconds of an intense menstrual cramp. The worst procedure I’ve had to do during this period that was like that feeling was the HSG exam, where they check to see if your fallopian tubes are open (and YES, both of mine are). It only lasted 10 seconds, but it hurt so badly that I felt faint and light-headed for a good 30 seconds after. The doctor even had to ask me if I wanted some water before getting onto my feet.

So now, this procedure is scheduled next Tuesday. I will be awake for it, so right after, I can just walk back home and go “back to work.” No one ever tells you before you start fertility clinic visits how LONG EVERYTHING SEEMS TO TAKE. There is so much waiting, so little definitive aspects, so much uncertainty.

A Series of Uneventful Dreams in the Last Week

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I think that my boring, mundane, “I have no idea what the meaning of this is, but I’m at least happy that nothing awful or terrifying or violent is happening” dreams seem to be continuing. If I had to try to identify when these vanilla dreams started, I’d say that it’s likely when I became more deliberate about my daily meditation time. Here are some dreams I’ve had in the last week:


Our friend and handyman was in Chris’s parents’ formal living room in Melbourne, delivering a lecture on dry rot, how to identify it, and how to solve it as a homeowner. He had a pointer and a big white board with all kinds of drawings and diagrams on it. I was sitting at the entrance of the living room watching. 


I opened one of our apartment closets to realize that there was actually a doorway into ANOTHER hidden compartment for storage. And in that storage area, I had a lot of beautiful carbon steel and cast iron pans waiting for me to use them. Oooooh, this was an amazing find.

I was at a banquet hall with my parents and my aunt. My aunt accompanies me to the bathroom, and as I’m entering a stall and closing it, she asks, “when are you going to have a baby?” Ughhhhhh.

My mom is sitting at some random table with me, and she asks if she can borrow my orchid porcelain tea pot because she is planning to host a tea tasting with my dad at their house for some friends. This is obviously a dream because a) my mom hates hosting anything or having anyone over at the house and b) my mom could truly care less about the nuances in flavor of one green or oolong tea to another.  

Moral/religious opposition to pre-genetic screening of embryos

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In the last two months, I joined a few IVF support groups on Facebook just to see what people were posting and if there was any information I could potentially benefit from. For the most part, over the last week or so, I’ve stopped reading any of the posts in depth, but I did notice a few annoying themes that I immediately ignore when scrolling.

I’m sure decades ago when IVF first became available, a lot of people were “morally” or “religiously” opposed, believing that this interfered with “God” or whatever higher power exists, and felt that pursuing IVF was wrong or “a sin.” I’m sure there are a lot of people who still believe this. Yet, as couples become desperate to start a family of their own, they slowly but surely begin to let their guard down, believing that “God intended for them to pursue this route,” or “God made people discover this possibility to benefit us,” so of course, it would be okay to pursue because God gives these options to people. In other words, when things are convenient for them, they allow what was previously against their beliefs to be acceptable.

The latest war seems to be against pre-genetic screening, which, for women who choose an IVF “freeze-all” cycle instead of a “fresh” cycle, they can also add on (with an additional expense if you are self-pay), as the embryos that make it to blastocyst/Day 5 are biopsied and sent off to a lab for genetic testing to make sure that the embryos are “chromosomal normal” (you cannot do PGS testing for a fresh cycle because the labs need at least 1.5-2 weeks to biopsy and get the result back to you, and fresh-cycle embryo transfers are usually 3-6 days after your egg retrieval). In addition to this, PGS testing also allows for you to know what the sex of the embryo is (it’s usually redacted, but you can request to have it un-redacted). You can also elect for other tests that can evaluate whether the embryo is a dominant carrier of certain diseases if you and your partner overlap for any recessive diseases. So funnily enough, there are many women and couples who think that although “God created IVF for a reason,” doing PGS testing is against God or “messing with God,” and choose “for moral/religious reasons” not to do PGS testing…. even though studies have shown time and time again that transferring a PGS-normal embryo results in a higher live-birth rate, a higher transfer success rate, and a far lower miscarriage rate.

And soon in the future, the people who were morally or religiously opposed to PGS-testing will ween themselves off this thought, and then be against some other new development in science and infertility medicine because it’s convenient for them. I hate it when people use religion or morals as a reason to be opposed to these decisions. You could use “God created X to benefit man/woman” with pretty much every argument!

Bingo with a food twist

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The strange but uneventful dreams seem to be continuing. Last night, I dreamt that I was playing a game of Bingo, but instead of letters being on each of the boards, instead, there were pictures of food on each. Apparently, each of the food photographs was taken by a different food photographer that was in the room, self included. Well, with that said, I don’t even know how the Bingo game would even work!

This is actually a reminder to myself that I need to take more food photography courses online with my company perk. I need to do this before the weekend ends as I told myself I would. I need to be productive as always, right?

Headspace

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Since mid-December, I’ve been carving out about 10-15 minutes every day to meditate. I’m not 100 percent sure it is helping me, but I do feel pretty good after I am done, so I suppose for now, that is enough. It’s nice to spend a deliberate 10 minutes every day to clear my mind and just think about the moment itself.

The theme of the current meditation program I am on is about “acceptance.” And, frankly, I am not sure I totally believe in what it is trying to tell me. The narrator of the meditation is saying that oftentimes, when we get annoyed or aggravated by another person’s actions or behavior, it should shed a light on what we dislike about ourselves and need to change about ourselves. I strongly, strongly disagree with this for many reasons. So, let me get this straight: if I get incensed by how overtly racist someone is being, that should reveal that I should take a deeper look… at my own racism? Or if I get upset because someone is being really resentful, then that means.. I am actually the resentful one? I hardly think any of this is true. This is the kind of “therapy” that really needs to be reexamined and corrected. Maybe, just maybe, we get mad at someone else’s behavior because they’re just plainly being an asshole?

What you do while at the gym

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Pretty much every Monday through Friday since September when gyms were allowed to open in the city, I have, no fail, gone to the gym every single weekday morning. The primary activity I do is run on the treadmill (some form of HIIT/interval running to prevent things from getting boring. Running at one or two speeds for too long of a time is incredibly boring to me), but I also add in some form of strength training, barre, pilates, or yoga every day. Monday-Thursday is intense cardio with a mix up of strength, barre, or pilates. Friday is always a lighter run day (lower speeds for about 20-25 min vs. 30-40 min) combined with about 30-35 min of vinyasa yoga. Friday is like the cool-down, transition-into-the-weekend workout. Vinyasa yoga has a lot of toning and strength, but it’s also a lot more balance and focus, so I like doing this on Fridays to unwind a little.

I also notice the regulars who always come around my same time of the morning. We greet each other and say hi/bye. I often get comments that I am likely the most diligent gym-goer in the entire building (which is likely true, but hey, what else do I have to do during a pandemic??). One of these friendly people, however, is a little weird. When I say “weird,” what I mean is… I’m not sure if he goes to the gym just to get out of his apartment or for a change of scenery, but I feel like he’s mostly there to NOT work out, and instead to sit there, vegetate, look through his phone, lift an occasional weight while sitting down… and… even watch me work out. It’s a weird for a few reasons: 1) I strongly dislike people who go to the gym to “say” they go to the gym, but don’t actually work out. If you are going to hog one of three slots at the gym, or go to the gym at all, make use of the space and time! Work out! Exercise! Do what you’re supposed to do while there! 2) Does this person “tell” other people like his significant other, his friends, etc., that he “went to the gym” to imply he actually worked out, but in reality, does it to ward off guilt because he actually didn’t do any exercise at all? Not trying to be mean, but he’s got a super big pot belly….. maybe he should apply himself… and 3) I’m not really sure if he’s actually watching me. When I’ve been a little suspicious, I’ve moved my workout setup when not at the treadmill to another part of the gym to be totally out of his view. And, he doesn’t seem to move with me thankfully, but it’s still uncomfortable to even think that he would watch me.

All I have to say is… if you are at the gym, do your workout, mind your own business, and leave! Don’t be a gawker. Don’t just use the gym as a place to “hang out” or “escape.”

Year of the Ox

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Lunar New Year is right around the corner. This Friday will officially mark the new year on the Lunar calendar, and this year, it’s Year of the Ox we’re welcoming in. Year of the Ox is actually my year. It may not initially appear that way because based on my birth year on the Gregorian calendar, it looks like I am a Tiger. But because Lunar New Year tends to fall in late January/early February, in reality, I’m actually an Ox. So, it’s MY year this year, so hoping for some good things to happen in my life to shake things up in a positive way!

In previous years, we’d hosted lunar new year dinner parties, and I always made a whole fish to welcome the new year. Given it’s COVID and we’re still supposed to be socially distancing, this actually made me a little sad. I’m still making some traditional dishes ranging from the radish cake to Buddha’s Delight to steaming up some Vietnamese banh chung I purchased, but it’s not really going to be that festive. And it made me wistful of the times when I was young at home with my grandma, where she ALWAYS made a big fuss and pulled out all the stops for Chinese New Year, from the foods to the decorations to the superstitions that were followed (ummm, yeah, I will still be washing my hair if I feel like it before the new year begins). I will likely never have that level of awareness or celebrate in a traditional way like that unless one day, we end up living somewhere in Asia.

TikTok food trends

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In a day and age of TikTok, many food/cooking trends have come about, including the famous one-pan feta pasta (seems too indulgent, and I rarely would have feta at home) as well as the single cut tortilla quesadilla hack. With the quesadilla, my interest was definitely piqued, as I do enjoy having wheat flour or corn tortillas at home occasionally, and a new way to use them was definitely welcome. The idea is that you take a tortilla and cut it halfway down the center. Then, on each of the “quarter” sections, you place a different topping: avocado, cheese, tomatoes, vegetables, etc., along with something to “stick” them together (cheese to melt!), then you fold each quarter on top of each other, then put it on a hot pan, flatten it with a spatula to press it down and heat it through. And TADA! Quick and easy, packed, neat little quesadilla!

So… in theory this was a great idea. In practice? I failed miserably. I attempted to make this today, and my quesadilla was overly packed (this is a very ME thing to do) and completely fell apart. Welp… I still have six more tortillas, so I have six more tries to go!