Somehow, I managed to sleep 10 hours last night. I actually woke up in time to head to the hotel gym, but I remembered seeing Ed happy vividly, so I decided to stay in bed to see if he’d come back. Unfortunately, what I thought would be a happy dream ended up being more of the past pain I keep repressing.

In my dream, I was at home again in my bedroom. I heard my dad talking to my mom in the kitchen. He’s having a very negative conversation with my mom during which he’s sharply criticizing someone. The more I listen, the more I realize he’s talking about Ed. “That kid is good for nothing,” my dad says to my mom in his harsh tone. “He’s not smart, he’s not polite, and he’s not anything. He’s just demented.”

As soon as I heard him call my brother demented, I ran out of my room and yelled back. “He’s not demented!” I screamed. “How dare you criticize and put down your own son! What kind of role model are you?”

It’s as though I am not there, though. I feel like I am a ghost because neither of my parents react at all to my yelling and even my presence. To them, I don’t seem to exist.

I went back to my room feeling helpless, unheard, and ignored. Out of nowhere, Ed came out of a corner and made eye contact with me, and I immediately got excited and ran up to him to hug him and hold him. From his eyes, I could tell he heard everything. He looked like he was full of despondency in his heart.

“It’s okay, Ed,” I whispered into his ear as I held him tightly. “Nothing he just said is true. He’s just lying. He’s full of lies and hate. Nothing that he said is true. I believe in you. I love you. Do you know that?”

But Ed doesn’t say anything. He just stands there as we hold each other. I rub his back and I smell that long-sleeved white shirt he’s wearing, a shirt that he oftentimes wore; it was like his default shirt. It smells just like him. It’s as though he’s really there with me, and we are really together.

It was a really terrible start to my morning. I still have these moments like this morning when I keep asking myself if he really is gone, and I get choked up remembering that this is my reality now – a life without him.