The kindness of strangers continues in the form of Chinese “paper” sponge cakes

After pregnancy, childbirth, and becoming a mother, I think I should start a blog series entitled, “The kindness of strangers,” with each post detailing an exact example of the kindness I’ve witnessed being bestowed on myself and/or my child. Because I think that while the world oftentimes feels like it’s getting worse (and the country in which I am living definitely feels like it’s becoming more backwards by the day, especially with this current Dipshit administration), I am deeply heartened almost weekly, if not daily, by the little kindnesses directed towards Kaia and me.

At Kaia’s school, there is a “doorman” who works at the front of the building — we call him Ah Gong (like a polite term for grandpa, but not actually our grandpa). To be honest, he is probably around my dad’s age, is a grandpa of three, and likely could not be trusted as a real “security” guard in a true emergency, but he is the biggest sweetheart. Every since Kaia started going to this school, he has always been very warm, kind, and friendly with us. It’s clear he loves children: he always greets each of them warmly and enthusiastically, gives them a high-five or a hug when he sees them, and oftentimes will even spoil them with candy from a container I know for a fact he refills with his own money. Oftentimes I feel bad for Kaia contributing to the depletion of his candy stash, especially since we never even allow her to eat the candy; we’re simply stockpiling it in the pockets her backpack. But I know he really enjoys giving the kids candy.

So today we came down the stairs to exit the building. And he saw Kaia and greeted us. They did a high-five, and then out of nowhere, Ah Gong whipped out this big plastic takeout container that has three Chinese “paper” sponge cakes — the Chinese lightly sweetened, chiffon-style cakes that originated in Hong Kong. He said he wanted to give Kaia something very special and gave her the entire box! Ah Gong said she deserves it because she is so cute and “guai guai” (well behaved). Kaia excited took the entire container and thanked Ah Gong, and then in her “hehe, I got something special!” mood, almost skipped out the doorway!

Just last week while I was in Denver, Chris told me that Ah Gong gave Kaia a lao po bing (old wife cake/winter melon cake). I think he’s getting a little too generous and fancy. Kaia took one bite of it and decided she didn’t like it (I ended up eating it since I do enjoy them). So this wasn’t the first time he was dishing out Chinese bakery items to Kaia. I just couldn’t believe that he would be this generous. What are we going to do at the end of this school year when Kaia finally leaves this school, and we don’t get to see Ah Gong every day anymore? It’s going to be a very sad, wistful day.

The necessity of soup at the Chinese dining table: an ode to my paternal grandma

Growing up, I remember there was almost always a massive stockpot full of some kind of broth or soup on the stove. Sometimes, it was a gentle herbal chicken soup. Occasionally, it was a thick and packed jook/congee with lots of different proteins, like chicken, pork, tofu skins, shredded dried and rehydrated scallops. Other times, it was a ginseng-based tonic meant to “cool” our bodies from eating too many rich foods. Regardless of what was in the big pot, I grew up knowing that soup was an integral part of our diet at home. It was rare to have a day when there was no full stockpot on the stove. It was an everyday occurrence to hear my grandma, mom, or aunt insist that Ed and I “drink soup.”

Soup was the antidote to everything. You ate too much fried food? Drink soup. You aren’t feeling well? Drink soup. You’re feeling sluggish or tired? Drink soup. Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) has a soup or tonic for pretty much anything you can complain about.

I started getting back into thinking about soup more regularly after I gave birth to Kaia in December 2021. My aunt had lovingly sent me ingredients to make a specific Chinese chicken wine soup (雞酒湯 ji jiu tang), which she insisted would nourish my body to recover quickly from childbirth, while also simultaneously helping my body to produce more milk for my baby (debatable, but it was still tasty). Two years ago, I started being more intentional about making soup. And this year, I am trying to make soup even more often. It’s delicious, nourishing, tasty, and given it’s been so cold this winter, who could say no to a hot bowl of soup? Soup rounds out any meal. In China, there is a saying called san cai yi tang (三菜一汤), meaning “three dishes and one soup,” which is a foundational principle of a balanced, home-cooked Chinese meal that is meant to be shared. It’s typically a meat/protein, one vegetable, one tofu/egg/seafood dish, alongside a nutritious soup. The soup type can vary depending on how it complements the other dishes at the table, but more often than not at home, the soup is a very simple broth that is lightly flavored and seasoned.

I made a simple home-style soup today called yuanzi tang (圆子汤), or pork meatball soup. I was inspired to make it because this blog post by Xueci Cheng, a recipe developer I follow, talked about how integral soup was to her family’s meals in Sichuan growing up. It reminded me of how I ate with my family growing up. And similar to me, she also had forgotten how soup was always at the dinner table at home, as she had moved away to Germany, and soup had mostly been forgotten as a thing to have at a meal. So she made this same soup, and she said when her parents made it for them all during their visit to see her in Germany, they immediately said at the first sip once it was finished cooking that it “tasted like home 家的味道.” This soup is really simple. There’s no required broth base, as it’s mostly flavored by the fat and flavor from the pork meatballs you make (though I did use a cup of dashi I happened to have in my fridge). But after I seasoned it, it really did remind me of the simpler, light home-style soups my grandma used to make when I was little.

My paternal grandma passed in 1995. If she were alive today, she’d be 109 going on 110 this September. Her only granddaughter just turned 40 last month — that’s me. I wonder how she’d feel knowing that even 31 years after her death that I still think about her and her cooking often. I wonder if she’d be pleased to know how much of an impact she’s had on my life and the way I view food, cooking, and our shared culture. She never thought cooking was that great of a skill; for her, it was just something she knew and did. It fed her family (and around Lunar New Year, it fed her friends), and that was enough for her. But in these moments when I taste things that remind me of her and her cooking, I do find myself missing her and wishing we could share that same taste together.

Bonding over the mental load of deciding what to cook

My friend who loves to cook and experiment in the kitchen messaged me yesterday, telling me that she was inspired to finally browse Mala Market’s website after reading about this chili garlic noodle recipe she wanted to make. The special Sichuan chili flakes needed for the specific flavor of these noodles had to be from this website, the recipe insisted, so she said she would have no choice but to finally make the leap and buy from here. She remembered I originally told her about the website around this time last year, right before the stupid President Dipshit tariffs got announced. I told her I made a big order from the site right before the tariffs would be official to avoid any tariff hikes. I had zero regrets because everything I got was extremely high quality and made all of our stomachs happier.

She said she felt like she had fallen into a rabbit hole with Mala Market. She would browse a page looking for one thing and then eventually want to buy five other things that were linked to that page. “There’s too many things I want to make!” my friend told me, laughing. “How do you decide what to make and when? And then so there are many MORE things to try out and make!”

“The mental load of deciding what to make, when, is real,” I lamented to her, also laughing. “This is a real struggle every day!”

“I think you’re the only person I know who understands this who I can talk about it with,” she confessed. “Whenever I tell this to other people, they look at me like I’m crazy.”

“And that’s why we were meant to be,” I responded back.

I still don’t know how or why it took me until November 2023 to find a friend like this, but these types of conversations always make my heart feel warm. She’s like my kitchen sister, if something like that even exists.

The growing Le Creuset collection

I am now 40 years, two weeks old. For most of my life, I’ve looked longingly and with a bit of foam at the corner of my mouth at Le Creuset and Staub bake and cookware — you know, those glorious enameled cast iron dutch ovens, pots, and stone bakeware, all handmade in France, that you always see in fancy kitchenware sections and shops. Just the variety of bright colors would get to even the most indifferent-to-cookware people. Although I always admired them, I could never bring myself to buy even a single piece for myself. It felt like too much of an indulgence for me. I tend to be a lot more practical with kitchen items. So instead, I accepted a $35 Amazon Basics five-quart dutch oven from Chris’s aunt and uncle as an early Christmas gift in 2018 when they visited us, and I insisted to myself that I never needed Le Creuset or Staub anything. For comparison sake, a 5.5-quart Le Creuset round dutch oven currently goes for a whooping $435! So there’s clearly a massive markup there. So until this past December, I owned zero Le Creuset or Staub pieces. Hell, I bought a five-quart Staub dutch oven for our ex-nanny and never even bought myself so much as a single Le Creuset ramekin!

In December before we left for Australia, Chris presented me with an early Christmas gift: a Le Creuset 3.5-quart dual braiser and grill pan in a Marseille blue color; the grill pan also acts as a lid for the braiser. I was excited at the acquisition of this item, as it would be my very first and only Le Creuset item. I loved the color immediately. But I wasn’t sure how much I’d use it given I have most of the pots and pans that I use a lot. This braiser also seemed quite shallow at just 3.5 quarts, so other than pasta, I am still not sure what I will “braise” in it. But I knew I’d find ways to use it because after waiting almost 40 years, did you think I’d actually consider giving up my first and only Le Creuset…?!

Then we had the funny Shun knife debacle around my birthday. My friend kindly accepted the return of the eight-inch Shun knife. In its place, she got me a four-piece Le Creuset Heritage line stoneware baking set — one loaf pan, one fluted pie pan, one square baking dish, and one oval dish — all in Marseille blue to match my current braiser-grill pan duo. Of all these dishes, I will likely use the loaf pan the most since I make a decent number of loaf breads in a year. But all the dishes are sturdy, gorgeous, and heat evenly. They would all look beautiful simply as serving dishes. And they could easily reheat in different methods. I laid them all out on the dining table after opening them yesterday and just stared at them. I had the same feeling I do whenever we return from a Costco trip: I felt RICH. Once, I was poor and had no Le Creuset. And then, out of nowhere, I have (technically) six pieces! I am rich now!

The mental load of cooking and managing perishable and pantry ingredients, and food as a love language

A few months ago, I told Chris that sometimes, despite the fact that I obviously enjoy cooking and food, it can feel like a burden to keep track of all my ingredients — what we have versus what we need, what we’re low on, and then figure out what we need to top up. For example, because I have food ingredients spread across several areas of the apartment due to limited space and no central pantry, I didn’t realize that I actually still had four pounds of dried Garofalo pasta in various shapes; these packages were hiding behind some of his Australian snacks in the side “pantry” we created by the laundry. So because of this, I went to Trader Joe’s and purchased two pounds of dried Italian pasta in other shapes. It wasn’t a big deal because these are dried pantry staples that don’t go bad, but it still annoyed me. So Chris politely told me in the nicest way possible (which is impressive for him given he can be very blunt and snarky) that maybe, I could consider “making simpler food.”

I stared at him as though he told me that I should “go back to China.” What the hell kind of a solution is that? I don’t want to eat blander food, and I love the fact that we have so much variety in this house. I relish that our pantry is well stocked enough so that I can make various types of Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Vietnamese, Indian, Italian, American-esque, and Middle Eastern dishes whenever I feel like it and just need to get some fresh produce to make it happen. There’s no way that I could possibly make “simpler” food because I just wouldn’t be as happy or satisfied. Nor would our gut biomes be as diverse.

Since we’ve got back, I scrolled through my camera roll of a few of the things I made (I don’t photograph the everyday things like roasted or sauteed vegetables most of the time because they’re so regular), and this is what it looks like: Sichuan-style stir-fried chicken, mushrooms, and vegetables; lobia masala (Punjabi black-eyed pea curry), Cantonese-style braised tofu and egg; Pork rib and lotus root soup; tahini granola, di san xian (Dongbei-style stir fried eggplant, potato, and bell peppers); kung pao style stir fried lotus root and peanuts; Cantonese-style beef stew with daikon and tofu skins; turkey chili (using my new gifted Burlap and Barrel ancho, pasilla, and guajillo chili powders). Tomorrow, I’ll be making vegan creamy mushroom pasta (with silken tofu as the secret “creamy” ingredient)! The food this month has leaned heavily Chinese, but it’s also because for whatever reason (maybe because I’m officially middle aged now?!), I’ve had cravings for food of my childhood, hence the beef stew and the lotus root/pork rib soup. But even if most of it is Chinese, it’s still a pretty eclectic variety. We don’t do “pasta Mondays” or “mashed potato Fridays” or whatever regular theme that a lot of families I hear about do where both parents are working (or leading a “life of service”) and need to minimize the mental load of daily family dinner. I like that it’s different, and it also exposes Kaia to endless variety to keep her palate guessing.

And at the end of the day, I love cooking for those I love, not just myself. I like knowing I nourish Chris and Kaia, plus any family and friends that come visit us. Food is one of my love languages. So while sometimes friends can make fun of me and tell me they never would guess I’d be such a traditional mom or wife, I’d like to look at it a different way: this is just how I show I care and love, and so I do it because I love.

Childcare during a winter storm – no-win for anyone

We have an impending winter storm coming our way this Sunday. Every major news outlet around the country (and even world) has been talking about a winter storm affecting massive swaths of the U.S., from Texas all the way up to North Carolina and the entire Northeast of the country. Of course, that means we’re affected here in New York City. And so Kaia’s school let us know that we should watch out for emails from them from Sunday going into Monday morning. Our school administrator told me at pickup on Friday, “The latest you will see an email from us is 5am on Monday, but likely before that! That way, you’ll know whether we’ll be open on Monday. But if you hear news before that saying that DOE is closed… well, that means we will be closed, too!”

You think about stuff like this, and you realize that it’s not just that school is closed; it’s that you’ve now lost your childcare on a weekday, which for the vast majority of us, is a work day. Just because our child’s school has closed does not mean we just get a free day off from work. So, childcare becomes an issue. I’m a bit luckier in that Chris doesn’t do (paid) work, so he’s a bit more flexible, but it’s still a time and energy suck for all of us juggling having Kaia home. Plus, she doesn’t want to be stuck at home all day; home is not that fun after a while, and she’d much prefer to be playing with kids her own age.

We don’t have backup childcare options. Plus, given weather, delayed trains, and icy roads, many potential backup childcare options would no longer apply. We’d all be stuck. We end up just having to half-ass childcare/child-rearing and work. And that’s not good for the child, the work, or the parent. In these cases, everyone loses.

The different ways that people show they need you

Last night, Chris read to Kaia and put her to bed. He came out and noticed I had lit one of my candles and had my Kindle on the kitchen counter. He asked me if I was planning to read on the couch (in the living room), to which I said yes.

He then responded, “Why do you have to read all the way out there?!”

“I’m right here!” I exclaimed back. It’s not like we live in some huge palace. I’m about 30 feet away from him!

I thought about this because it’s not the first time he’s had this reaction to my wanting to read in the living room while he reads or does things on his computer in bed. He always indirectly is saying that he doesn’t want me to read in the living room, that he would prefer I be in bed right next to him… even though it’s not like we’re doing anything together. We’d just be doing our own thing separately, just in the same bed together. And I thought this was cute and sweet. I told him this, to which he mumbled that I come up with “crazy theories” and he was wondering who I was going to blab this to in the next day. I actually wasn’t originally planning to share this with anyone, but since he said this, I decided to text his brother because I knew I would get an immediate reaction.

So I texted his brother, and his brother replies that he never expected me to say something like this. Then, he says, “Isn’t it obvious that he cannot live without you?”

And then I just thought…. Awwwwww. Even when my husband is annoying, emotionally avoidant, and borderline crazy, he still does need me and love me very much. He just wants to front like he’s fiercely independent. But at his core, he does truly need me. That is love.

“Maybe you can do this every year now!”

I was telling a colleague about my birthday party after she asked. She saw the pictures and videos I posted on Instagram and was telling me how amazing the food presentation looked, and she said she wasn’t surprised I’d have such a crazy spread given it was my 40th. I told her I’d actually never thrown myself a real birthday party before this past Saturday; it took only 40 years for me to plan and host my own birthday party. I told her that planning it was so easy and fun, made especially smooth by the restaurant manager at Patok by Rach. And so she said to me, half jokingly, “So, this means that you’ll do a birthday party every year now, right?”

It’s not an awful idea. Though I would be unlikely to book out an entire restaurant in the next year or so for a non-milestone birthday year.. or pay for it all. But when I think about it, the focus would be less on the fact that it’s my birthday, but more an excuse to get people together. Whenever Chris or my friends would groan about things like bridal or baby showers, my response would always be that it’s far less about “showering” someone with gifts, and much more about just having togetherness, which no one does as much of anymore. Since the pandemic, people have led far more isolated lives, whether it’s because they live farther from people they care about, or because they simply have no desire to initiate get-togethers. Vivek Murthy, the former U.S. Surgeon General and an internal medicine doctor, has said in a podcast I listened to that the biggest epidemic he’s worried about… is loneliness. And it would be so easy for us to resolve that by being less formal or rigid about having our houses perfectly cleaned or planning get-togethers with extensive menus or programming months in advance; we can be more spontaneous with some friends and family and just lay out some crackers and cheese or pizza, and get people together just for the sake of it. And it would create warmth and connection just like that.

So who knows – maybe I’ll do something more casual and simple like that for a future birthday of mine if I am so inclined. It could even be a cupcake party — Kaia would love it!

The odds of getting the exact same birthday gift from two different people

As the years go on, gift receiving isn’t as exciting as it once was when you were a child. As a child, getting gifts was what made Christmases and birthdays so sparkly and exciting. You’d always wonder if your parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and other family friends would give you things you actually wanted (or never even realized you wanted!). There’s the excitement in the anticipation, then even more excitement in the unwrapping or unveiling of gifts from fancy gift boxes and bags. And then, you’d finally get to enjoy your presents!

As I’ve gotten older, I also have gained more power and control over what I have and own, as well as what I can afford to buy for myself — whether that’s everyday essentials, the occasional indulges through experiences, or true splurge/indulgent items (the latter of which I pretty much never do because… well, Asian guilt/practicality). If I really want something, I can just buy it now. I don’t need to wait for a special occasion or nudge a good friend or Chris to buy it for me. That’s the beauty of earning your own money! Plus, as I’ve gotten older, naturally I’ve just gotten fewer and fewer gifts. I no longer exchange Christmas gifts with almost any friend; I give some very close friends (and their kids) birthday gifts, or treat them to special (higher priced) birthday meals. We don’t really “need” as much stuff as we get older.

So when I decided to have this 40th birthday party for myself, I wasn’t sure what anyone would get me, if anything. I figured some close friends would give me some splurge-worthy items, but I wasn’t sure what. One friend got me a very expensive ticket to see Maybe Happy Ending on Broadway, which I very much appreciated. Another friend got me my favorite Burlap & Barrel spices and Rancho Gordo beans (how could I not have appreciated these?!). But then something unexpected happened: a best friend and Chris’s friend got me the same high-end Shun knife: my friend got me the 8-inch, and Chris’s friend got me the 6-inch. I was floored not only at the generosity of the gifts, but also: how the heck did two people totally unrelated to and unaware of the other get me the same fancy gift…?!

They are technically not the same knife because one is two inches longer than the other, but for me, they are essentially the same. Given my hand size, I am more comfortable using a 6-inch santoku-style knife for everyday cutting and chopping needs. So I felt bad, but I think I will have to ask my friend if she can return the 8-inch she got me… and perhaps replace it with something else splurge-worthy I’d normally never get myself. Maybe it could be a Le Creuset bakeware set? I’m truly grateful for my gifts, especially these really pricey ones that no one ever needed to get me. And I know the way my friend thought about it: she specifically wanted to get me a gift that she knew I’d never buy for myself, but would really appreciate. I’m so grateful and genuinely touched.

Friends for 29-plus years

Three years ago when I went to my friend’s 40th birthday celebration out in Long Island, I found out that her best friend from business school was flying in from Texas for the weekend to celebrate. At the time, I thought it was the sweetest thing. It wasn’t a bachelorette party or wedding — that type of major milestone, but it was for a milestone birthday celebration. It seemed like a really kind, thoughtful, and generous thing to do.

In the middle of last year when I told two of my close San Francisco friends I was looking into a restaurant for my 40th birthday, one of them asked to keep her in the loop because she’d like to fly out to New York for it. And when I finally found the right place and put a deposit down for it, I let her know, and she confirmed she would definitely come. A month or so later, she booked her flight, and then we made plans for the rest of the weekend she’d be here. And she even treated me, as a 40th birthday gift, to see the Broadway show Maybe Happy Ending on the Sunday after my party. She came to my party on Saturday night. We had an early brunch on Sunday, went to see the show, hung out in Midtown and had yuan yangs at Urban Hawker, then went back to my apartment so she could spend time with Kaia and eat dinner with us. It was a really enjoyable time together that I’m very grateful for.

We’ve been friends for 29 years now. Along with my two other best friends, she’s my longest standing friend in my life. We haven’t always agreed with each other or seen eye to eye on things, but the amazing thing is that it hasn’t gotten in the way of our bond, of the comfort we have with each other. It doesn’t seem to matter how much time has passed since we’ve last spoken or seen each other. Because when we’re together, it almost feels like nothing has changed. Sure, most of the friends I’ve made in the last few years are very different from her or my childhood friends. But each person adds something different and special to my life. And that’s why we all have multiple friends and not just one.

It’s been a long weekend of love and gratitude. I’m just feeling thankful to be here to get to soak all this up.