Category Archives: Friends

One seemingly little decision that paves a very different future — forever

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Today, I met up with a friend’s friend I met for the first time at a kid’s birthday party several weeks ago. We met at a coffee shop on the Upper West Side and talked about our backgrounds, work, kids, and families. This friend grew up in the Dominican Republic, but she is fluent not just in Spanish, but also in French (and English). Her two young daughters are at a French daycare and school. So I was curious to understand how she learned French, and then how she decided to have her daughters immersed in French language.

She said that her mom wanted her and her two younger siblings to learn English. But when her mom started looking into the schools, she found out that while the private American international school’s fees were extremely high, the private French international school was just a fraction of the cost. With this school, her children would learn not just English, but also French — at a massive discount! So it was a no brainer for her to send all three kids to the French school. That French K-12 led to all three kids moving to France to study and eventually work. This friend lives in New York now with her husband and two daughters, while her two siblings are still living and working in Paris and the south of France.

I wonder if her mom ever envisioned the future of her three kids not just being tri-lingual, but also moving quite far away from home and in their daily lives, speaking a different language than their native tongue. That one seemingly little decision changed her kids’ paths in life forever. It makes me wonder what Kaia’s young adulthood and adulthood will look like — merely because of seemingly small choices that Chris and I are making now.

Mother’s Day breakfast at school on Friday

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Every year around Mother’s Day, Kaia’s preschool hosts a Mother’s Day breakfast/tea event where they invite all the mothers/mother-figures to school for a little party. Last year, I missed it since we took a long weekend to Rhode Island. But this year, I was able to attend. Since the classes are all quite small (Kaia’s class has THREE STUDENTS in it, with two teachers, one who teaches in English, the second in Chinese!), they combine all the kids and parents in the same classroom for this event. And while it was beautifully set up with food and hot tea and drinks for all, the parents just didn’t really want to interact with each other. It didn’t matter if you were on either end of the table or in the middle. Not a single parent wanted to proactively talk to anyone else. Every parent was mostly eating or interacting with their own kids. On the 4K side of the table where I was, I attempted and failed at small talk with the two moms of the other two 4K kids. It was mostly a lot of question, answer, question, answer, with me doing most of the questioning. Very occasionally, I got asked, “What about you / you guys?” questions back, but that was only because I asked first. It honestly felt like pulling teeth. And when it was time to go, I was more than ready to leave. Kaia was sad to see me go and started crying, but I really had to get away from these parents who seem to have zero desire to socialize even for the facade of being friendly.

I have really hated the lack of community at the last two schools Kaia has been at. I hope that we are able to feel some sense of community and camaraderie with the parents at her new school come September.

Costco shopping – including the clothes!

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For the most part when I think of Costco, 90 percent of the time, I am thinking about what interesting food items they have in stock, whether that is fresh, frozen, or packaged goods. I have staple items I always buy, such as the organic boneless, skinless chicken thighs, beef chuck and/or grass-feed ground beef, the individually frozen organic salmon fillets, and the bags of frozen, raw, wild Argentine shrimp. I love their massive bag of spinach. I always get whatever fresh mushrooms they have — the baby bellas are Kaia’s go-to staple mushroom that she will gobble right up. But in the fall if we are lucky, I can get a good haul of wild chanterelles.

Occasionally, I also think about deals they may have on things like skin/body care (Kirkland Signature shampoo and conditioner is most definitely the best! I also think the Cetaphil face cleanser is an incredible steal). I also make it a point to always pick up a massive bag of their baking soda (we use it for all cleaning and laundry, plus baking!), so much so that Chris always makes fun of me about my favorite Costco buy being a ridiculously large bag of baking soda. My colleague watched my Costco Yvonne meets Food video and insisted there was no way I would finish the full bag. I let her know that at that point, I’d already finished MULTIPLE. When you use it to clean your toilets, add to a homemade all-purpose cleaner solution, and to freshen up laundry, you will most certainly use it all up in good time — assuming you actually clean your house.

However, what has been on the radar since right before the pandemic has been looking more closely at their clothing deals. It originally started with restocking on athletic, good-grip socks and sports bras. But then, I started noticing they have pretty good deals on shoes. The slip-on pair of walking shoes I got in 2019 right before the world ended were the most-worn shoe of mine in the 2020 pandemic year; I finally had to retire them last year and replace them with a pair of All Birds. At a Melbourne Costco, I got a set of Winnie-the-Pooh pajamas for myself, and I’ve gotten Kaia and multiple relatives/friends’ kids plenty of children’s clothing sets. The clothing is mostly known name brands, the quality is high (at least from what I can see — they wash well!), and the price is so cheap! And then yesterday while at a Costco in New Jersey en route back from the Finger Lakes, I got a new pair of name-brand slides I will be using as house slippers. They were cheaper than a similar style I was eyeing on Amazon, and they are extremely cushiony and have great arch support! I also picked up a set of eight pairs of no-show grippy socks, which will be needed for this summer.

Once another Costco-loving friend was over, and she noticed we had the same pair of athletic socks on but in different colors. She asked me if I got them at Costco, and I said yes. She started laughing, saying, “See? This is how you know we’re getting old. We buy clothes at Costco now!”

My response to her was, I don’t think it’s being “old” that is what’s driving the Costco clothing purchases. I think it’s that our age has made us realize what good, high quality deals we can get, and that we should prioritize comfort, longevity, some style, and value all in one. And Costco does a good job of that! And there’s no shame in that at all — more pride, actually!

Mutual friend outreaches in the last couple days

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On Monday afternoon, I went out for a coffee catchup with a friend of a friend who lives in Hong Kong. She used to be a friend’s roommate way back in 2011-2012 when my friend temporarily lived in New York. I haven’t seen this person since my friend’s wedding in 2012. While we hung out in larger groups of mutual friends, I realize that I never had a clear picture of her personality because I’d never had a real 1-on-1 conversation with her before. She contacted me about a month ago to let me know that she would be accompanying her husband on a work trip to New York and wanted to see if I’d be free for a catch-up. I agreed, figuring it would be nice to chat with a familiar face and actually get to know her for her as opposed to group chat. It’s been 14 years, so a long time had passed! And I’m always happy to give people a chance and time assuming nothing negative had previously transpired between us.

It was actually a really good catch-up and filled my cup. We talked about what we’d been up to since 2012, including work, relocation for her, change in partners, marriage, and IVF and a baby for me. We ended up chatting for nearly two hours, which I wasn’t expecting. She said that she’d likely be back more in New York given her husband’s work, and she insisted that I reach out the next time I’d be in Hong Kong.

It always feels good when someone else takes the initiative in your life to organize a catch-up. A mutual mom friend I met at this last Saturday’s birthday party emailed me to follow up on something she said she’d share with me about Chinese immersion programs in the city (how thoughtful that she’d remember and ask our mutual friend for my email address!). In her message, she asked if I’d be open to catching up over coffee or a drink in the coming weeks. So we exchanged numbers, and we’re planning to meet for coffee in a few weeks.

For a long time, I felt like it was really hard to make and meet new friends in New York City outside of work; in my 20s, it was pretty much impossible. But now, in my late-30s and early-40s, it seems to be happening a lot more naturally for me. And it feels really nice. I’m always happy and willing to meet new people as long as we have similar interests and values, and I’m even happier to meet with them if our backgrounds are nothing alike because it means that I will likely learn a lot I’d never previously been exposed to. And that is always exciting for me.

A 4-year-old’s birthday party

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Even though I am a parent to a four-year-old, in the grand scheme of early child parenting, I really haven’t attended or taken Kaia to that many birthday parties. Most of the “birthday parties” she has been to have been held at her school within classrooms, and the kids get some version of a cupcake or cake/ice cream, along with a goodie bag of toys/treats to take home. A friend in our building, whose son turned 4 today, told me that she really hated kids’ birthday party setups here, such as the ones at places like kids’ gyms and play spaces because it was really all about the kids playing and goofing around, along with some crappy “included” food like cheap, greasy pizza and soda — none of which grown parents would enjoy and would just suck up since it was part of the overall fee. And the fees are quite expensive: they are not something to sneeze at, especially when your kid is so young and will barely remember most of these things — other than through photos.

So she said that she preferred intimate gatherings with local friends and their kids. If they were traveling, they’d have dinners and cake cuttings with family. Today, she hosted us at her place just several floors down, where along with some local friends and their kids, we ate Popup Bagels (today, I learned these are for dipping, not for slicing and filling!), drank champagne, and also enjoyed two delicious, very “adult” cakes from Delice Macarons, a local French bakery on the Upper West Side. One was chocolate mousse cake (gluten free!) shaped like a mini chateau, while the second was another chocolate mousse with a very delicious and refined raspberry gelee. While I chatted with the other parents and kept a casual eye on Kaia to ensure she didn’t break anything, I thought to myself — this is such a refined birthday cake for a four-year-old child. Most kids of his age would never appreciate or even know how good they had it to have a cake this meticulously made — and probably very, very pricey! What a little dream to have a chocolate chateau as your birthday cake!

But that’s also what I think of Kaia Pookie: she has no idea how wide and refined of a palate she actually has. She doesn’t realize that she has such a breadth of cuisines, and has really only been exposed to fancy, gourmet chocolate — with the exception of that Twix she ate last October. ‘Tis the life of little kids who have food-appreciating parents as their mamas and daddies.

A lot changes in just a few years in the baby gear world

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Five years ago when I started researching baby gear and equipment, it seemed that pretty much every single parent, nanny, or caregiver on the Upper West Side was pushing around an Uppababy Vista or Cruz stroller. For about a hot second, I considered the Cruz on a short list… until we tested it out at the Nordstrom flagship (great place to test out strollers!) and immediately had to ex it out because it was far too heavy and bulky, especially considering we’d be going up and down subway stairs, and not every subway station is elevator accessible. Back then, we settled on the Nuna Triv stroller, which was very sturdy, well-built, but still light enough to carry up and down the subway stairs (assuming two people are carrying the darn thing). We were a rarity on the street, though: almost no one else has the Nuna Triv stroller. A few people had the Nuna MIXX, but most people who owned Nuna products had the car seats (which we also had). The most popular travel stroller at the time, which we saw constantly on the streets and at airports, was the Babyzen YoYo. Over the course of three years, we also borrowed a friend’s YoYo since they didn’t use theirs at all while at home given they live in the suburbs.

Well, fast forward to today: very rarely do I see Uppababy Vista or Cruz strollers on the street. In fact, the most common stroller I see now is the next generation Nuna Triv or MIXX, the Bugaboo Butterfly, and several variations of the Cybex or Joolz strollers. Babyzen got bought out by Stokke and I had no idea (this just shows how much older Kaia is now since I no longer pay attention to this stuff!), plus the updates to their latest YoYo model have been poorly reviewed by the current wave of new parents. And the only reason I found this out was due to some light stroller research for a friend, who is about to adopt a 2-year-old child and will need a toddler-friendly stroller.

A lot changes in just a handful of years — it’s actually a little scary how quickly our “knowledge” can become obselete. In another four years, I may not even know any of the latest stroller or car seat brands at all!

1915 Lanzhou Hand Pulled Noodles – lives up to the hype

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I met a friend for dinner tonight at 1915 Lanzhou Hand Pulled Noodles, which has two locations in Manhattan, one in Kips Bay, and its second in Manhattan Chinatown. I was first introduced to Lanzhou, Gansu, style hand-pulled noodles from a nondescript restaurant in Boston Chinatown. A friend’s boyfriend, who was also originally from Gansu, said that as a little boy, he grew up eating these noodles, and there was nothing quite like it. When the little noodle shop in Boston Chinatown eventually closed (with no reasons noted on their shuttered doors), he was devastated and said he had no idea where else to find the taste of his childhood. Simply watching noodles being pulled by hand was mesmerizing to me at the time, as I’d never seen any food craft quite like it. Even today when I watch this being done, I’m in awe.

When I eventually moved to New York in June 2008, I ended up in the mixed neighborhood of Elmhurst, Queens, where my cousin introduced me to Lao Bei Fang, a neighborhood staple in the budding mini Chinatown there. Lao Bei Fang specialized in hand pulled noodles and dumplings, and it was there that I became a hand-pulled noodle and dumpling regular. The owner always pulled the noodles then; he was truly a noodle master. If you came during off hours, he would even sing Chinese opera for you as a side bonus. As someone who grew up Cantonese and eating lots of Cantonese food, I found northern style noodles and dumplings to be a total revelation, one I was eager to delight in and slurp up.

Eventually, Lao Bei Fang expanded and moved into a bigger space off Whitney Avenue and onto the main drag of Broadway in Elmhurst. This required more staff, and this also meant that the owner and his wife were rarely seen at the restaurant anymore. Instead, they hired others to make all the dumplings and pull all the noodles. Sadly, the food was just never the same again. I tried going back twice to give them another chance, yet I always left disappointed: Once, I was given cold, previously fried dumplings. Another time, the noodles were gummy, and the beef soup tasted one dimensional and even canned. My beloved hand pulled noodle shop of my early 20s was no longer the same.

So when I read about 1915 Lanzhou Hand Pulled Noodle, I figured I had to try it out. I got to the restaurant a little early to find that a small line had already developed; there were eight people in front of me, and all were White! I wasn’t sure what to make of this or whether the line would move quickly. But within 10 minutes, I got a little table and was seated, even without my dining partner. And when my friend did eventually show up, she got confused that this was the right place because, “Why are there so many White people lining up for these noodles?” I let her know about the New York Times write-up, and she smiled and understood.

Here, you can choose the thickness and cut of the noodle, which was fun. And there’s a big glass wall through which you can watch the dumpling and noodle makers at work. And I will say: the hype was real. The beef broth was beefy, rich, with lots of spices and herbs, and the flavor was deep. The beef was tender and melt in your mouth. And the noodles had a delicious and addictive springiness. I also loved the chili oil with its fruity undertones. The little fried buns (sheng jian bao) were super crispy on the bottom and juicy.

I will definitely be back here for my hand pulled noodle fix in the future, even with the lines. I think takeout might be in order!

All relationships are work

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The Oxford English dictionary defines work as, “activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a purpose or result.” If you know the strict definition of work, I think most would agree that all relationships are work. It doesn’t matter if it’s the relationship you have with your spouse, child, mother, friend, or colleague: all require a certain level of effort in order to sustain the relationship — at least, in some semi healthy way.

Chris and I just hit our 10-year wedding anniversary last month. His parents sent well wishes on our family Whatsapp group. Then his brother wished us a happy anniversary, also saying, “Good work on reaching 10 years of marriage!”

I looked at his message and smirked. “Thanks!” I responded back. “Ummm, yes. It is most definitely work!”

I told my friend, who is uncoupled, that we had reached our 10-year wedding anniversary and had been together for over 14 years now. She was flabbergasted.

“Shit, I don’t know how you do it!” she said to me after wishing us a happy anniversary. “How can you stand someone for that long, constantly in your space and not doing things the way you want them done?”

This friend knows I am anal-retentive with cleaning. She knows I like everything done in a very certain way in the kitchen. She also knows that I have very strong opinions. And on top of all that, she’s met Chris a number of times now and has had the chance to speak with him a decent amount, so she said she could already imagine how ridiculous and intense our disagreements and arguments would be.

I always wanted to get married. Ever since I learned what marriage was, I wanted to get married and live “happily ever after.” But I don’t think Disney fairy tales or the example of what “marriage” is supposed to be like based on my parents’ relationship were ever the best examples that set me up for success. I’ve spent decades reading psychology and sociology articles and studies, and took a number of classes on these topics. Hell, I even took a sociology course on sociology of marriage and family in college. And when I did therapy two different periods of my life, I spent a good amount of time talking about my relationships with my parents, friends, and Chris, and what I want and do not want to be or become. All of this has been really hard work and required a lot of thinking and introspection. Sometimes, getting to a state of self-awareness can be quite painful. Yet despite all that hard work, I still mess up and do and say stupid things I don’t really mean to say or do in the way it comes out. It’s like every day, I am trying to break out of inherited intergenerational trauma and redefine what I want to be in my relationships with Chris and others I love. I guess everyone is a little bit like that: we only know what we know — until we try to break unhealthy cycles — again, assuming we have a certain level of self awareness, or someone helps point it out to us.

But the work we put into relationships with those we love most is important. It’s probably the most important work of your life. It’s hard for me to imagine a life without those who are closest to me who I love the most. Frankly, I don’t want to be my dad in that sense: I don’t want to be a total loner with zero friends. I also don’t want to be in a marriage where I feel emotionally estranged from my spouse. So while many reject close friendships or serious romantic partnerships, I guess at the end of the day, I am still a romantic and want all these things to be a part of my daily reality.

So, the work continues.

When Kaia wants to choose her clothes, even the under garments

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The last couple of weeks in the mornings, Kaia has had strong opinions about what she wears to school. She’s rejected a few of the pieces I picked out and insisted that she pick out her own t-shirt (which no one would see since it’s still cold, and she wears a warm sweater layer on top…) and even her own socks. I know that at her stage of development, allowing her some level of autonomy is key so that she “feels” like she has a sense of control. So in most of these cases, I relent and just let her choose… assuming she doesn’t take more than three minutes to select the substitute clothing.

But she’s actually shown preference for clothing since she was as young as 2.5 years of age, if not younger. She does not like plain tops of any kind; she needs to have a design of some sort on them. So when it comes to layering pieces, I often have to force her to wear a plain shirt underneath. She’s always loved lighter, summery clothing over the thick layers of winter. She loves colorful printed dresses and is completely obsessed with tutus. And she really does not seem to be a fan of warm winter dresses at all. She refuses to wear anything black, with the exception of a black t-shirt we got her that has a spider web fully made of rhinestones. And she needs to be cajoled into wearing black pants (everyone needs something basic, even at that age, right?).

Today, she asked to wear her Mickey Mouse and mango shirt we got her while in the Philippines. This t-shirt was part of the Uniqlo location-specific collections: this one was themed “Mickey goes to the Philippines.” But on top, she wanted to wear her Elsa sweater. Chris watched her undress this evening and said, “Isn’t that kind of a waste to wear that underneath since no one will be able to see it?”

Yes, it kind of is. But at the same time, Kaia wanted to wear it underneath, and she knows she is wearing it underneath, and that makes her happy. And sometimes, if not all the time, as long as she knows she has it and is wearing it and likes it, then that’s all that really matters, doesn’t it? I think of it like nice, super comfortable or fun-printed (and oftentimes expensive…) underwear or bras. Most of the time outside of maybe your partner or kids, no one will ever see you wearing these under garments. But they make you happy and feel good. Therefore, your happiness, knowledge, and comfort are all that should matter when deciding to wear them.

Sluggish two days later

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On Friday night when we had dinner and a comedy show with friends, our friends got to the restaurant early enough for Happy Hour, so they ordered a bunch of items off the Happy Hour menu, including two orders of Korean fried chicken that came with two buckets of beer, for a total of ten beers. I figured they would get a single order of fried chicken with the beers, but I didn’t realize they would get two buckets. I had asked my friend to order me a specific Happy Hour cocktail without realizing they got so many beers. And because I hate waste, I felt bad leaving so many beers behind. So I decided that on top of my cocktail, I would have a beer… and then I opened a second beer and probably had a quarter to half of it. During dinner and the show, i felt completely fine. I did not turn red (no, I don’t get Asian glow). I felt sober and clear-headed.

That was until the next morning, when I woke up feeling sluggish in the mind and body. I wasn’t in pain, and I did not have that “hung over” feeling. It wasn’t like I couldn’t think straight, but I definitely did not feel good or refreshed in the slightest bit. I just felt… off. I could still follow conversations, do my usual tasks, and even did some yoga that morning. But “off” is the only word I can use to fully describe how I felt. And if that was not enough, today, which is two days later, I still don’t feel right. It’s like a foggy brain without being fully foggy, if that makes any sense at all. My motivation to do anything productive is extremely low. And given it was threatening to rain and did rain today, we ended up staying indoors all Sunday. I made one dish, and that was it.

I wonder if I would still feel this way if I didn’t actually know I was 40. I feel like because I know I am in my 40s now that I’m feeling more of these “your metabolism is slowing” feelings. As I read, your metabolism doesn’t just fall off a cliff at 40; that’s not really how metabolism works. It slows gradually over your late 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s. Regardless, this wasn’t a great feeling, especially as I’ve actively cut back on alcohol in the new year. And I don’t think I can drink that much anymore — for my mental clarity, but also for my general fitness goals.