Category Archives: Contemplations on New York Life

Impromptu friend catch-up and play date turns family dysfunction contemplation time

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The weather was so nice today that I wanted to make sure that Kaia and I got some outdoors time this afternoon. So I took her to Little Engine Playground at Riverside Park and let her blow bubbles and get wet in the sprinklers. While there, my building friend texted to let me know she was going to join us with her son (Chris told her we’d be there). So I had an unexpected friend catch-up this afternoon at the park and at Pier I after. I really enjoyed getting this spontaneous message because I almost never have any impromptu meetups with anyone — ever. In New York, I’ve just never made friends who are that spontaneous. Everything always feels like it needs to be planned in advance. And while I am a planner and do like having meetups on the calendar to look forward to, I also love just randomly deciding to meet someone with zero plans out of nowhere. It seems to be harder to do as people get older, as sad as that is.

I’ve enjoyed getting to know this friend over the last year. In the last several months, she’s definitely become more open in sharing more personal details and opinions she’s had, and I’ve done the same with her. One area we’ve never really talked much about is regarding our parents. I know a lot about her sister, and she knows about Ed and how he passed. But just today, we started talking about my parents because she knows about our upcoming trip to San Francisco to see them. She asked me if I looked at going home as a “vacation.” I probably paused for too long of a time as she immediately knew what the answer was.

As a 40-year-old adult child to my parents, I am clearly no longer a little kid. I have since grown up, had a career, gotten married, and given birth and am raising my own child, and so I’ve had enough life experience of my own to formulate my own world view — and also see exactly how different it is versus my parents’. I recognize they both had hard lives, and the life I have is extremely luxurious compared to anything they had. Their hard lives inform their world views. They both experienced varying degrees of trauma that shaped how they raised Ed and me. I recognize all of that. But my hope and goal is that I do not continue their intergenerational trauma, that it stops with them. I want Kaia to have a very different relationship with me than the one I have with my own mother. I can acknowledge all those things are true, that I love them, but that I have no intention of ever trying harder than I already have to have a better relationship with them. As I learned over the course of multiple years of therapy, it is not my job to fix my parents, to change their disposition, or even to make them happy. They will not change; they are who they are. If they want to wallow in their own misery and legitimate mess of their house, they can do that. I told my friend I go and stay with them for about two weekends and stay at a hotel the rest of the time because their house just is not livable, not enjoyable, not comfortable; this is all done out of obligation. It’s worse than the clutter; it’s just flat out dirty. And they are perfectly fine with that and think that I am the problem when I come.

I still remember the first time I was in therapy, from 2013-2016, and my then-therapist asked me a really simple question: “Do you like your parents?”

I wrinkled my brow. “What do you mean?”

“Well, it’s very clear that you love your parents,” she explained. “But do you like them? Like if they were not your parents, could you see yourself willingly going out to have dinner with them and chat? Hang out together? Do you share the same interests, hobbies? Do you enjoy their company?”

This, I did not hesitate to answer. “Oh god, no!” I exclaimed. “Not at all! They are not even remotely fun to be around! We have nothing to talk about! We share none of the same views about anything!”

I didn’t want to freak out my friend and start going on about my parents; it’s probably too much information, too much negativity. I also don’t like going into detail about this sort of thing with Kaia around because she seems to be understanding way more than I want her to at this age now.

“I don’t want to sound terrible,” I said to my friend. “But they’re just… very unpleasant to be around. I hate to say it, but it’s the truth. I just go out of obligation, because I want Kaia to know her maternal grandparents at least a little.”

She looked back at me with sad eyes. “You sound like you try really hard,” she said softly.

Little does she know that as time has gone on, I definitely know I am trying less and less. As I get older, I honestly just care less and less. My patience in dealing with them has worn so thin — after Ed’s death, then after Kaia’s birth and the stupid ways they acted after she was born, and especially when we visited in 2022. I tolerate them in tiny bursts, and then I let them go and lead their own separate abysmal lives. It’s the only way we can feasibly coexist. I’ve made peace with the fact that I will never have the relationship I want with either of them, and it’s definitely not due to lack of previous effort on my part. We can’t always control everything or have every part of our life be the way we want it to be. And growing older makes you come to terms with all of that.

Filming in New York City: The Gilded Age!

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If you are into Hollywood and the entertainment world, New York City is a fun place to live in because there are always TV shows and movies being shot, as well as endless celebrity sightings. Unlike places like Los Angeles, when celebrities are in New York living and doing their thing, people tend to be pretty respectful here and actually let them do their thing (most of the time, anyway). I’ve seen random celebrities in cafes, parks, and even walking down streets in New York, and while heads do turn, people rarely crowd them or rush up to them for autographs.

Chris let me know that on Thursday morning when he took Kaia to school, he noticed rows and rows of trailers lined up on our block just outside our building, and lo and behold, they are filming the next season of The Gilded Age, which we watch! He got to see hoards of actors walking in period costume into the Mandarin Oriental. Unfortunately as I did not leave the building until late afternoon that day, I saw only the trailers with the names of the characters plastered on each of the doors. Even though I usually don’t get to see the scenes being filmed or the actors in their costumes, I still love the fact that I live in a city where so much action happens!

Three weeks ago, we were in Bridgetown, Barbados

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One of Chris’s favorite things to do in speech with me is to tell me that a week ago, we were doing this, or two weeks ago, we were doing that. Today, he said to Kaia and me during dinner, “Just a week ago, we were coming back from Tobago.” The Friday before that, we were in St. Lucia exploring Castries Market and buying lots of local exotic fruit (including three different types of mango!) and enjoying Pigeon Island. And the Friday before that, we had just started our summer trip in Barbados and were enjoying the fish fry scene in Bridgetown, with a super delicious and succulent grilled whole red snapper with lick-your-fingers-good Bajan seasoning. Every year I get older, time seems to move that much more quickly. All these new, fun, happy, learning, cultural, exciting moments seem to come and go just like that. And it further makes me realize how precious all our moments are together, whether that’s exploring a new place, having a meal or bite of something together, or just sitting in the same place at the same time enjoying the exact same thing. While Kaia is 4.5 years old and always wondering when the next thing is happening or, “why are we walking for so long?”, it almost feels sometimes like I am grasping at straws to make these happy moments last longer. It’s like those sentimental sayings and quotes I’ve oftentimes been served since pregnancy and first becoming a mother: sometimes, you just want this moment, this stage, to last forever. But, if it lasts forever, then you never get to enjoy the next great thing that will come!

Time is precious, life is precious, and our moments together are precious and finite. I think about all the experiences I’ve had in my life to date, whether it’s the places I’ve been privileged to go to and see, the foods I’ve eaten, the people I’ve built lasting relationships with, the marriage and life I’ve built with Chris, and having Kaia Pookie as my sweet baby, and I just feel so thankful and so lucky for this life. Life is good. And our memories are sweet.

Eating out while in the Caribbean – so many fresh vegetables!

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While we stayed at four different hotels across four different island countries in the Caribbean, and two of the hotels were all-inclusive, I felt like from a vegetable-eating standpoint that this was likely the best trip we’ve had to date for vegetable access. Since we were out and about in Barbados and Grenada where we stayed at all-inclusive properties, we still managed to have some meals out while on the go. In the all-inclusive buffets, it was easy to get vegetables. At the restaurants om property, getting vegetables was straightforward. And with most dining options we had, vegetables were quite ubiquitous. This is always what I’ve enjoyed about dining out while outside of the U.S.: it never feels like vegetables are add-on sides that are terrible value. I guess there are some exceptions to this (while in Taiwan, I do not recall eating many vegetables to be honest; street food in Taiwan is not very vegetable forward!). Vegetables are usually included as side dishes you order. Sometimes, the vegetable options are fixed. Sometimes, the vegetable options are what you choose. And other times, the vegetables are half fixed, half chosen by you. While you may order ginger pork or grilled fish as we did during our one lunch out in Grenada, those mains came with several vegetable options, like stewed pumpkin or callaloo (like Caribbean spinach), bok choy, coleslaw, or taro/sweet potato. I really enjoyed eating all the different vegetables we had across the Caribbean and seeing different preparation methods. Before this trip, I also had no idea how popular sweet potato and pumpkin in general are across these countries. I knew callaloo, taro, and spinach were popular. Potato and coleslaw seemed like predictable dishes to have on menus. But the pumpkin being everywhere was a surprise to me, especially since I consider it a fall/autumn vegetable. So, I’ve definitely learned a lot about Caribbean food culture in the last two weeks.

Whenever we’ve come back from trips where we haven’t eaten too many vegetables, it’s like Kaia just knows that she misses her vegetables and especially her Asian greens, so she physically will stuff her mouth with the greens after I’ve plopped them onto her plate. This is a pattern she’s exhibited since she was very young. But this time after coming home from a trip, she wasn’t really vegetable deprived. I think she had a good share of vegetables across the last two weeks away. Yet still, she quickly gobbled up her roasted bell peppers and blanched bok choy at dinner.

I think the U.S. could learn a lot from other countries around the world about a lot of things. But specifically from these four Caribbean nations, the U.S. can learn to stop having menus with mains that are just a single thing (e.g. pasta, steak, a quarter of a roasted chicken) without also including vegetable sides — and have that be included in the freaking price. Stop up-charging for vegetables and just have them built into the main price!

Pigeon Island and the unexpected free ride back to our hotel

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After a morning walking around Castries and scoring big with local fruit at Castries Market yesterday, we dropped off our massive fruit haul at the hotel before continuing on to Pigeon Island. Just a short drive from our hotel in Rodney Bay, Pigeon Island is an islet on the northern part of St. Lucia. Once upon a time it was a separate piece of land from St. Lucia, but it was artificially joined to the western coast of the mainland in 1972 by a manmade causeway built from dirt excavated to form what is now the modern-day Rodney Bay Marina. Pigeon Island is beloved by locals for offering a calm, clear, and less tourist-infested beach (versus Reduit Beach nearby). It is also known for having two peaks that you can hike, as well as Fort Rodney on top of one of those peaks, which was once used by the British to spy on French ships from the nearby island Martinique.

We had lunch at a local restaurant (which included a delicious breadfruit mash!) on the quiet beach before heading over to the National Landmark side of the island to hike up to Fort Rodney. From this peak where Fort Rodney sits, you can see stunning views of Rodney Bay and the marina, the Caribbean Sea and Atlantic Ocean, and the northwest coastline of the island country. On very clear days, you can also see the island of Martinique, which is about 25 miles away. What we noticed a lot in St. Lucia is how contrasting the views are of the calm, clear turquoise waters of the Caribbean Sea to the west and rougher deep blue, at times even near-black waters of the Atlantic Ocean. The hike up to Fort Rodney was much shorter than I’d read online, so I was pleasantly surprised when we reached the top of the fort and were quickly rewarded with such stunning 360-degree views. When viewing some parts of the beach from this peak, the water was so clear that you could see the ocean floor!

After we made our descent, we parked ourselves on a shady spot on the local beach to enjoy the crystal clear, calm waters. Kaia had been waiting (impatiently) for beach time, so she was revved up and ready to go. She dragged me all the way across the beach, to where she met a 9-year-old friend and her mother and encircled them until they finally gave her direct attention and started talking to her. The 9-year-old girl, S, doted on her and immediately took Kaia under her wing, showing her different moves in the water and also building sand castles with her. I started chatting with S’s mother, K, who was really personable and friendly, as well. I quickly found out she was not a tourist but actually a local. She had spent some time living in the U.S. and was married to an American who had served in the military. With him, she had two kids, the second of whom was waiting in the car for them to go home. K said she was thinking about moving to the U.S., specifically New York City given how diverse and progressive it is (and the fact that she doesn’t want to own a car ever again because she hates driving and thinks the cost of maintenance is ridiculous). We talked a lot about cultural differences between St. Lucia and the U.S., a (very understandable) fear of guns and gun violence, and how unacceptable it is that some New Yorkers/tri-state people actually think that Coney Island’s “beach” is a real beach. “That water is not any shade of blue…. it’s grey-black, and you can’t see anything in it,” K said incredulously. “If you put your feet in the ocean and you cannot see your feet, that is not a real beach! You should be able to see the bottom of the ocean floor. That is just not right!”

I told her that if she ever decides to move forward with moving to New York or simply visiting, I’d love to see her again and help her out. We exchanged contact details, and as I told her we were getting ready to go back to our hotel, she said it was also time for them to leave, as well. And then, out of nowhere, she insisted that she drive us all back to the hotel. “It’s so close — it’s just right there!” K said. “I will take you. Go tell your husband!”

As this conversation was happening, I saw Chris on the other side of the beach packing up all our belongings and heading over to us. I told him about our new friend’s offer, and he was in shock. But he went along with it. We all got into K’s car, introduced ourselves to her son J. S continued to engage and play with Kaia in the car, which made Kaia so attached to her. And in the end, we got dropped off at our hotel — no Uber ride, just a free ride from a kind, local stranger.

In the last 14-plus years of our relationship (which includes LOTS of travel), this is the very first time that a complete stranger has offered and given us a ride. K said they lived just a two-minute drive from Pigeon Island, but in the opposite direction of our hotel. And given we left during rush hour, K not only was going out of her way given the opposite direction, but she also was adding time to her commute. It was beyond thoughtful, kind, and generous. I thanked her profusely over Whatspp after and also apologized for the inevitable sand we tracked into her car.

In these moments, I am yet again reminded of the famous Blanche DuBois quote at the end of The Streetcar Named Desire when she’s led away to be institutionalized: “Whoever you are—I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.” I would actually change this to: “I have always believed in the kindness of strangers.”

And Chris, while very grateful, exclaimed, “She saved us $18-20 USD!”

Kaia’s last day of Pre-K and the red envelope handout

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Here in the U.S., where teachers are generally under appreciated and underpaid, especially if they are in the public system, it’s kind of semi-expected and customary to give teachers gifts, whether that is around the December holiday period, Teacher Appreciation Week, or at the end of a school year. Since this is Kaia’s last school year at this school, we thought it would be a good idea not just to give cards to her teachers and the admin, but also to the cook/cleaner, and to the doorman at her school building. They all play a part in helping the school run and thrive, and so we wanted to thank them for their support and kindness.

Given Kaia is 4.5 years old now, she knew what I was doing and that I was handing out envelopes to the teachers. And while she knew this, she didn’t mind that I was handing out the envelopes to the teachers. BUT, she insisted on handing Ah Gong, the doorman, his red envelope. So we went downstairs after signing in just to have her hand the envelope to him. Ah Gong was shocked and flattered. They gave each other high-fives, and Kaia was super excited.

Ah Gong remarked how cute, smart, and mature she was. It’s strange to think that after summer camp ends in August, we will no longer be seeing Ah Gong every day, even in just casual acquaintance. But I guess all these everyday people you have even the smallest interactions with do play some parts in your life, and their kindnesses will be remembered.

Cleaning out the fridge before travel

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Some things I always do before we leave on a trip are 1) clean out and use up all produce / perishables in the fridge/on the counter (NO WASTE), 2) clean all sinks, toilets, and bathroom/kitchen floors before we leave (to ensure I am coming home to a clean slate), and 3) run a load of laundry so that we don’t have dirty clothes on top of more dirty clothes from travel to do when we come back home. That also means clearing all our used bath and kitchen towels and ensuring all clean ones are on the racks when we get home. It’s another extra step, but it also means that when we get home, things are calmer and I don’t have to think about refreshing anything — it’s already done! I also make sure all the trash bins are cleared out and lined with new plastic bags — no one wants rotting trash in their house while they’re gone!

One thing that is slightly different this time when preparing to be away for about two weeks is that Chris decided it would be a good idea to have about a dozen Ataulfo mangoes and a pineapple our last week in town. All the mangoes started ripening at the same time, along with a very, very ready pineapple, so I ended up peeling and cutting nine mangoes and an entire pineapple today, with three more mangoes, a kiwi, and a nectarine to go for cutting tomorrow! Whatever we do not eat (which will be the majority!) will go into a freezer-safe ziplock bag into the freezer. And that fruit will inevitably get thrown into smoothies, shakes, or popsicles for Pookie when we get back home. I usually tell Chris he has to be the fruit manager who checks on ripening fruit, but before family trips, I end up being the ultimate fruit manager doing all the manual work!

Mangoes from the Dominican Republic

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In the U.S., the majority of the mangoes we can get here are imported from Mexico. They are usually either the Kent or Ataulfo varieties. There are also a few varieties I’ve heard of that are grown in Florida, but they are not widely available depending on where in the country you are, and either way, Florida has never been impressive to me when it comes to fruit. For example, when people talk about Florida oranges (okay, the rare times they do), I always roll my eyes on the inside; I think we all are aware that California navel oranges in the U.S. are the best when it comes to pure flavor nuance and sweetness, both for eating and drinking!

Every year as March rolls around, Chris gets excited as a mango lover as Ataulfo mangoes become readily available. Whole Foods usually has large stocks of these small yellow mangoes, which we always have a large supply of at home, ripening while socially distanced at our window sill. Mangoes are always, always at our place from March through July. This is generally when the Ataulfo mango season is.

So when some friends came over on Saturday and brought us some Dominican Mingolo mangoes from a Dominican market near them in Brooklyn, I was intrigued. These were larger, fatter, and heavier. The fragrance was evident as soon as you held one up to your nose. And they seemed quite ripe already! I cut them, and given they were so ripe, most were peeled and then disintegrated into some mango mush. While it isn’t as firm as Ataulfos, these Mingolos tasted a bit more tropical, more tart-sweet than Ataulfos, and were definitely far more juicy. I think they would be really good in desserts or just simple shakes with some added ice.

And the added bonus: once Ataulfos go out of season in July, Mingolos are supposedly still available (usually at Dominican markets across the city) until end of August! So if we are lucky and can source some from Dominican neighborhoods, we can still keep eating mangoes through the end of summer!

Golden Mall at FiDi

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Once upon a time, the Financial District was not a fun place to be at all. It was a place you went to and from work. It was an area of the city you’d go shopping at famous discount mega stores like Century 21. It was also a destination to see the New York Stock Exchange and of course, the famous Wall Street bull (and get a photo op!). I still remember once I went down there on a Sunday night in my early 20s to have dinner at a friend’s place. She was living in a luxury high rise in the heart of FiDi. And it was so incredibly eerie and quiet while walking from the subway to her place and back that I sped-walked both ways, wondering what lurked in the corners. The whole area on a late Sunday night gave me the heeby-jeebies.

That was circa 2008-2010, my early years living in New York City. Now in 2026, there’s a Printemps department store from Paris, a Los Tacos No. 1 outpost, a huge Whole Foods, an excellent Uighur style restaurant, and lots of delicious regional Chinese restaurants. We also have the much awaited opening of the Golden Mall, which is an extension and recreation of the famous, divey Golden Mall in Flushing, Queens, one that really recreated a lot of the hole-in-the-wall/mass eateries that I once remember frequenting when I was in China in 2006. The food was region-specific, authentic, and dirt cheap. Here, of course, the food isn’t dirt cheap since everything in Manhattan is expensive, and FiDi is no exception. Golden Mall FiDi just opened a few weeks ago, and so far, the line-up looks really good: They have Lou Yau Kee opening, of the original Hainanese chicken rice consultants to the beloved Urban Hawker Center in Midtown Manhattan; we have Good Coconut, a fresh coconut juice/pudding spot, Prawnaholic, also originally of Urban Hawker. And Joju, the Vietnamese sandwich spot originally from my original hood of Elmhurst, is also opening an outpost here (they wanted to match the quality of bread at the REAL banh mi OG in Brooklyn — Ba Xuyen!!). My friend and I met here to catch up over Xing Fu Tang bubble tea, and she also had some braised beef hand pulled noodles at a sparkly new Lanzhou-style hand-pulled noodle stall. It looked and smelled delicious and authentic.

Every neighborhood is evolving and changing. Some like FiDi are becoming more fancy… and more Asian. And I’m all for that!

Kids’ birthday parties at playgrounds and the fun question I got when I arrived

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My neighbor friend let me know that her friend’s daughter was having her fifth birthday party at a local playground just half a block away today, so she suggested that I bring Kaia. I had met this friend and her daughter two months ago at my neighbor friend’s son’s birthday party, so I had previously met them. I told her I wasn’t sure we should come given it was a birthday party, and we didn’t know them that well and weren’t explicitly invited. But she insisted, saying it was a public playground and open to all, and she was sure her friend would be glad to welcome us. My friend said it would be a good last opportunity for both our kids, who adore each other, to play together this month before we go on our respective summer trips.

So just after 3pm today, I brought Kaia to the playground. We saw the picnic tables covered with endless food, snacks, drinks, and decorations. The area was streamed with banners, huge prints, and balloons. We came over to say hello to the mom, and we made some small talk. Her daughter, the five-year-old celebrating her birthday, also came over, and she had a very large frown on her face as she sized Kaia and me up.

The mom asked her to say hi to us as we wished her a happy birthday. The girl looked us up and down and then down and up, wrinkled her brow, and finally said, “So, you didn’t bring a present for me?”

Her mom scolded her, first in English then in Bulgarian. “D! That is so rude,” her mom admonished her. “You aren’t supposed to say things like that! Be nice!”

“You came without a present,” D rephrased herself while continuing to frown at us. It was as though she wanted to stare holes into our faces.

I didn’t say anything. What was I supposed to say? It’s true that we came without a gift, but frankly, we don’t really know this kid or her mom. And to my neighbor friend’s point, this is a public playground and anyone is welcome to come to the freaking playground regardless of whether a birthday party is being held in the corner of it! But this was also a reminder to me that once kids hit the age of 5-6, this is generally when they become more bitchy, bossy, demanding, and flat out openly rude… and unlike in earlier years, at this age, they know they are being rude. This is really when parental discipline becomes extremely crucial.

The kid never apologized even after getting scolded at in two languages. To be blunt about it, she sounds like a total brat, and not a kid I’d want Kaia to spend any time around. My neighbor friend warned me about her and said she thinks this girl is a bad influence on her own son, so I never had my hopes up about this child.

I told Chris that this happened, and he responded, “If Hoji said that, there would be no more birthday parties for the next ten years.”