Last night with the grandparents

Posted on by
Reply

Today is Chris’s parents’ last full day in New York with us before they leave to go back home. It’s sad to think that their month-plus long trip to the US has already come and gone so quickly. Every day as I get older, time seems to fly faster and faster, and I always feel like I want to hit a pause button just to relish the seconds and minutes a little longer. I’m even more cognizant of this now with little Kaia, seeming to grow more rapidly as each day passes.

I was sitting on the couch this evening, listening to Chris and his parents banter back and forth about healthcare in Australia and its pros and cons, and comparing this to the healthcare situation here in the U.S. and how dismal it is. And as I was listening to this half discussion, half debate, my mind went back to thinking about my own parents and our lack of ability to have even half of a discussion like this in a productive way. Chris’s parents will happily sit there and talk about why lamb is embraced in Western China but not in Eastern China. They will talk about the evolution of language and why different languages are spoken across China and India and how that came to be. My parents? We can’t really have many intelligent or productive conversations about almost anything. All our conversations are mundane, gossipy (usually because my mom brings up something inane), or about the everyday like eating or work or the baby, or flat out arguments or lectures. And even those everyday conversations are frustrating because my mom always comes at it from the angle that she knows everything because she has more wisdom than I do, and therefore I need to listen to her, otherwise “You will face consequences… because kids who are disobedient to their parents will be punished by Jehovah.” That was a constant threat and admonishment that Ed and I heard over and over from the time my mom started studying to be a Jehovah’s Witness since my freshman year in high school.

It’s not nice to compare, but it’s only natural to compare because for the longest time, I just thought the way my parents were would be how EVERYONE’S parents would be. Because you only know what you know, right? And as I gradually started making more friends and meeting other people and their families, plus interacting with those family members, I realized that I was in an unhealthy situation with mentally unstable, paranoid, and immature parents, and not everyone else had the same situation.

I want my baby to have a happy, healthy relationship with Chris and me and all her family members. I want her to know and love them, and know that we all love her unconditionally. But honestly, I have no idea what kind of relationship, if any, she will have with my parents.

Another U.S. Independence Day in the US of A

Posted on by
Reply

Although we had gotten accustomed to leaving the US and mostly being in Asia most 4th of Julys in the past, once the pandemic hit, we didn’t really have much of a choice and had to be here. In 2020, we were in the Lower East Side and East Village. In 2021, I was grateful to be pregnant and traveling in Houston. This year, Chris’s parents are with us here in New York to spend time with the baby and us, and we went up to the Bronx to see Villa Charlotte Bronte and enjoy tapas.

We tried to put Kaia to sleep before heading up to the roof to watch the fireworks, but we could see from our video monitor via the phone app that she was getting fussy in her crib, likely getting “FOMO” and the sixth sense that we all had abandoned her. So Chris went downstairs to get her and bring her up to the roof with us, which made her happy and want to jump up and down in his arms as she wiggled about.

It was Kaia’s first 4th of July outside of the uterus. This 4th of July wasn’t that exciting or much of a day to celebrate considering all the disgusting Supreme Court rulings of the previous weeks, though. I have no idea how long we can continue to stay in this country with its regressive laws and backwards thinking. But one thing to celebrate is that Kaia is here, safe and healthy and happy, and we got to spend the day with her grandparents altogether as a family.

When your dad-in-law wants to learn about pumping milk

Posted on by
Reply

Whenever I’ve shared with colleagues or distant friends that my in-laws are going to visit or are in town, their initial reaction is always one of “ugh” or “poor you.” But I always end up correcting them and telling them that I love my in-laws, that they are fun and enjoyable to be with, that they are kind, genuinely good people who seem to at least try to see the best in everything and everyone. I always look forward to their visits, I look forward to our visits to Australia to see them, and I always inevitably feel sad when their visit is coming to an end.

I wasn’t sure how they would react to my pumping schedule or the fact that I spend four hours a day connected to an electric nipple sucker, but they never reacted negatively to any of the pumping or the fact that my nipples were out all the time, regardless of whether I was sitting there talking to them or cutting fruit or playing with the baby. They just took it all in stride. Chris’s mom asked questions about my schedule, how often and for how long I pumped, when I planned to wean off of pumping, and that was really it. After the first couple of days, it just seemed to be a normal thing they saw and it was just as everyday as seeing someone put on their jacket. In fact, Chris’s dad was so curious to understand how it all worked that he actually asked me about my different pump settings, what they did and meant, how I changed the settings and when, and whether the pump actually hurt me. These were all unexpected questions, but I found it sweet and endearing that he had the curiosity and courage to ask.

It’s why I love having my in-laws around. They are genuinely kind, loving, supportive, amazing people. I’ve never felt judged or insulted or upset by pretty much anything they’ve ever done. They are so well meaning, perhaps even to a fault. Chris’s mom preemptively even apologizes for things she overthinks that could have been offensive but were never actually offensive!

When your mom tells you to stop sharing photos of your daughter to someone she hates

Posted on by
Reply

I have one Jehovah’s Witness friend in my mom’s congregation who I communicate with occasionally throughout the year, mostly through email and occasionally over text. She’s always been a kind, thoughtful, intelligent person who I’ve had a lot of interesting conversations with. My mom doesn’t like her or her family, and I’m sure the primary reason is because she is Black. A while back, I believe she had a conflict with this person’s dad, who was an elder in the congregation, and since then, she wants nothing to do with this family other than cordial greetings. Once, she didn’t want me to meet up with this person when I was in town because she was 100% certain this person was going to poison and kill me. Yes, I realize that was probably a sign my mom was mentally ill, but I didn’t really need that extreme example to realize that.

So I called her today after about a month of not really talking at all. I know she was staying away because she knew Chris’s parents were here on and off, but I didn’t tell her what days specifically to keep her on her toes. She has her friend there and put me on speaker phone (how lovely). She makes annoying comments about how when I come home, she wants all of us to have dinner together (no thanks). And then she says, “I just want you to know that I tried to show a photo of Kaia to (this person’s husband), and he said, ‘I don’t need to see it. I already see so many photos of Kaia that Yvonne sends to (this friend).”

My mom exaggerates the negative when she talks about people she doesn’t like. What I am sure happened, which I confirmed with my friend, is that her husband likely said that he had already seen photos of the baby through my friend that I sent. My mom, in her mentally unstable state, interpreted the meaning to be “I don’t need to see photos.” And even if he did say that, I don’t care. Why is this such a big deal??

My mom went on to say that I should only share photos and videos with people “who really care.” Let’s also keep in mind… the last time I sent photos of the baby to this friend was over 3 months ago, and I hardly inundate anyone who isn’t the grandparents or my best friend with images of the baby. I recognize that not everyone is going to gush over my baby the way I do (yes, believe it or not… I have some level of self awareness).

The littlest and most benign things upset and make my mother angry. And the worst part? I still get so exacerbated by her constant barrage of bullshit that I always react and say something. I’m sure it is because part of me wishes that one day, just one day, she will have a normal reaction to a normal thing. And that part of me always ends up extremely disappointed to hear her make a big deal out of yet another nothing situation. These problems should not even BE problems. They should be non-issues that no one even talks about!

The return to the boob

Posted on by
Reply

For a couple weeks now, Kaia has been rejecting the breast. I figure she’s finally come to the conclusion and understanding that she just doesn’t get much food directly from my breast, so I told myself to just let it go. Maybe she doesn’t need comforting with my boob anymore, and that’s okay because she’s growing up and moving on. But tonight before bed, she was getting fussy, likely from the teeth under her gums trying to break through, so Chris suggested that I just offer her my breast to see if she’d take it. In the early days of her pre-teething, the boob was all that made her stop screaming and calm down. And given her days in a row rejection of my breast, I just stopped offering it to her because I didn’t want to upset her. But today, she actually did take my left breast right away, for a whopping four minutes. She was much more distracted this time around, constantly looking up at my face, then at my breast, then waving her hands all over the place to grab my arm, shoulder, neck, and collar bone. Then, she unlatched, pushed my nipple away, and started rubbing her eyes. It was sleepy time for her.

I can’t believe my baby is almost seven months old now. That also means it’s been seven months postpartum for me, seven months of pumping milk out of my breasts to feed and nourish my sweet little Kaia. Breastfeeding was certainly a journey to say the least, but every day, I feel grateful looking at her and knowing she is being nourished with mama’s milk and growing so beautifully. My friends and colleagues all gush over how chubby she is, how pinch-able her fat little cheeks are, and they say, “good job, mama! That’s all thanks to you and your milk!” Looking back, I think breastfeeding/pumping/increasing my milk supply is one of the hardest things I’ve ever worked to do. And though I wish I was more informed from the very beginning, I am grateful every day for my journey.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents – the book

Posted on by
Reply

Since Kaia was born, I haven’t had much time or energy to read any books. I figured it would be temporary and that eventually, I would start reading again since I’ve always been a reader. Only recently have I started listening to podcasts again, and though I’ve attempted to sit down to open a book, it hasn’t really worked out. Part of me doesn’t want to spend time reading when I could be spending it playing with and watching my baby grow. Every day she’s growing so quickly and doing new things, and the idea of missing out on something new she does always makes me a bit sad.

Well, I had a book I was waitlisted for via the NYPL / Libby app since last summer that I finally got off the wait list for, and it was a book that I read about called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents. I think it got mentioned in one of the parenting groups I’m in because a parent was really scared about repeating the same mistakes of her parents. I think one part of how to tackle this is first beginning with self awareness, recognizing that not everything your parents did was “right” or what you want for your own kids, and having checks in place to ensure you do not repeat the same behavior. With parents of the previous generation, a lot of growing up was just about survival, especially if you were the child of immigrants who were just trying to keep the roof over their heads and food on the table. They didn’t have the time or energy for self reflection on how they could do better than their own parents; they focused simply on the physical aspects of shelter and food.

I started reading this book. A lot of the examples provided are very much centered on the white family experience, but I can see how it could be adjusted slightly to account for cultural differences. At the end of the day, I believe that the majority of parents try their hardest to raise their children to the best of their ability. But many do not think about what they could improve, and instead raise their kids how they themselves were raised. I think that’s what my dad did: his parents worked all the time, so they never had the time to teach him anything, so he took it upon himself to learn everything he knew. That’s why he had no patience to teach Ed or me even the simplest things, like how to tie our shoes or ride a bike, or the more complex, like changing oil on a car or driving. He just expected us to learn on our own. He communicated mostly by yelling; that’s what his parents did with him. His parents criticized him constantly; that’s what he did to Ed and me. He knew no different, so he did the same with us and perceived that as “normal.” My mom got disregarded completely as the 10th and last child of her mom. She experienced zero affection or love from her mom. She tried to learn from that and showered me with love and affection, but alas, it ended up becoming more suffocating than anything. So while I get frustrated with both my parents, I recognize that they were just limited by the experiences they had, and they thus lacked the emotional maturity to improve how they parented. But because they are emotionally immature, they will never recognize or admit their faults. The book also describes how children of emotionally immature parents tend to have a higher level of compassion and empathy. I guess that’s one way Ed and I benefited from having unrealistic and immature parents.

The book gets redundant with its examples, though, and it doesn’t give much in the way of coping mechanisms. I thought the whole point of the book was to help identify toxic behavior and then address how to deal with it all and live a healthy and happy adult life?

103.8 F fever – COVID vaccination side effects

Posted on by
Reply

After getting the COVID vaccine yesterday, the baby seemed to take it all pretty well. She was still babbling and playing away. Everything seemed fine. That is, until today, about 24 hours later, she became unusually warm, and Chris took her temperature to find out that she had a fever of 103.8 F, the highest she’s ever had. We gave her a cold compress and tried to feed her some baby Tylenol, but she gagged when the first squirt went into her mouth by syringe and ended up throwing up. It got everywhere – all over the baby’s top, bib, Chris’s shirt, my shirt, the pillow we propped her up on, the floor. I felt so terrible for her. She really hates medication, and the syringe is definitely like an enemy to her. After cleaning her up, we ended up putting the baby Tylenol solution into a shallow bowl and feeding it to her with one of her silicone feeding spoons, which she has a far better association with. It worked, though I could tell that she could smell the difference between the spoon with the water vs. the spoon with the medication. We also gave her a bath today, even though today is not normally bath day, so she’d get some indulgence and fun in.

Everyone has talked about the COVID vaccination side effects for adults, but whenever a baby has side effects or a fever, the reaction of course is always different since babies can’t tell you when you aren’t feeling well, and you just have to use your own best judgment in terms of reading them to see how they react. But just going on this, it becomes a little more nerve wracking, and you hope everything works out for the best.

COVID-19 vaccines for babies

Posted on by
Reply

The COVID-19 vaccines have finally been approved by the FDA here in the US, and so while we contacted our pediatrician’s office to see when we could schedule an appointment, they were a bit on the slow side and still had no update for us this week. Chris got impatient and instead, signed up our baby to get the Moderna vaccine at a COVID vaccine site in midtown. As expected, when he took her there this afternoon, the area was mobbed by anti-vax protestors, and they had to exit out of a separate area to get away from the mobs. The nurses all gushed over Kaia and wanted to play with her. She might have been the youngest patient they had come in all day and were obsessed with how cute she was, not to mention how well she took her little jab.

Our baby has handled all her standard vaccinations well; the most she’d ever exhibited was extra fatigue and wanting to sleep more, and eat a bit less. She’d never had any additional fussiness or fever as a result, so we were hopeful she’d handle this vaccination okay. She seemed relatively normal after the shot, but because she got a bit warm when we checked her temperature, we gave her some baby Tylenol just in case. It was the first time we’d ever given her any medication after any vaccination.

In a month’s time, she’d have her second dose and be fully vaccinated for COVID. She’ll also be ready to get on a plane and explore more of the world a bit more safely.

When you go through twice the amount of groceries with double the heads to feed

Posted on by
Reply

In the short time that Chris’s parents have been staying with us this trip, given we’ve had the baby and are a lot less mobile, we’ve been eating a lot more at home. What that also means is that given we have four adults as opposed to two, I’ve had to increase the amount of everything I’ve made. With that, it’s made me more aware of how much more quickly we’ve gone through everything, whether it’s toilet paper and tissues, fruit, or even eggs. Chris and I don’t eat eggs that often, and so normally, I might buy a carton of eggs maybe once or twice a month. After just one meal altogether, we went through almost a dozen eggs! So when we went to Costco on Sunday, I got two dozen, which I would usually never do unless I was planning to bake, or if Thanksgiving or Christmas were coming up, which would necessitate more eggs for both cooking and baking. I’m preparing chicken satay for dinner tomorrow, so instead of just marinating two pounds of meat, this time I marinated four pounds. I also doubled the amount of peanut satay sauce, which meant I used my entire bag of peanuts for this. On the one hand, it’s fun to make more food for more people to eat and enjoy. On the other hand, it makes you realize how much more expensive it is to have home cooked meals when your family starts to expand.

When your Zipcar doesn’t turn on during a trip

Posted on by
Reply

For this quick weekend trip, Chris decided to get a Toyota Sienna for us given the baby, her car seat, stroller, and luggage for all five of us. It gives all of us more room to be comfortable while in the car, as well as ample space for luggage and baby stuff. The Sienna rode pretty well and was very comfortable. We didn’t have any qualms with the vehicle… until we finished our last stop before heading home at Costco. Chris tried turning the car on, and it failed to turn on. After a long time waiting on hold for a Zipcar representative, multiple reps spoke to Chris to try to troubleshoot, yet nothing worked. It seemed to be a security issue that no one at Zipcar could figure out. The final resolution ended up being that we had to leave the vehicle in the Costco parking lot, empty out the van, and get two Uber rides back into the city to accommodate all five of us, our luggage, plus our big grocery haul. Needless to say, it was quite an unexpected adventure at the end of our Poughkeepsie/Beacon trip.

It was also an unexpected adventure for my breasts, too. I was planning to skip my 11am pump and pump when we got back to the apartment, which would have been around 4pm. That never ended up happening since we didn’t get back home until around 5, and I didn’t start pumping until 5:45pm since we needed to unload and organize everything we bought. So when I went to take off my regular bra and put on my pumping bra and hand express, it was really awkward: for the first time, my breasts were so full of milk that my nipples were nearly inverted. Milk was already leaking out. It felt awkward just sticking my nipples into the flanges! I also pumped a record amount at one time: over 315ml.