Time flies by so fast

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Chris and I were pushing the baby in her stroller on Saturday afternoon in Inwood, and a mom passed us on the street and marveled at how cute Kaia was. “Enjoy it and soak in every minute!” she said, smiling. “It goes by so, so fast! I have two babies, and they are 16 and 18 now, just like that! It was like it was just yesterday! Where did my babies go??”

She’s right. It’s totally nuts. Kaia is already 32 weeks old, almost at her eight-month birthday. I was so proud of her yesterday when I presented steak to her. She had a big hunk she was sucking and chewing on, and after biting off two large pieces, she gagged a little on the first and spit it out with some coaching. She didn’t gag at all with the second piece, moved it around her mouth, tried to chew, and then eventually spit it out.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little nervous watching her with that piece of steak in her mouth, which I knew she would not be able to swallow as it was without more chewing. I kept my exaggerated model of chewing and spitting out to show her what to do, and she seemed to get it. She’s catching on really fast. She still doesn’t have any teeth yet, but given how hard her gums are, I have a feeling a tooth is going to break out any day now.

It is work to teach her the basics of survival: how to chew, spit out, move food around her mouth. But these moments are the ones I live for. Watching her grow and evolve is the greatest gift I’ve ever had. Not a day has gone by when I have not given thanks for having her, especially when I know so many others who have struggled to conceive and still do not have their miracle baby. It easily could have been the case that I never even had a child. Every day, I feel like time is passing too quickly, like I don’t have enough time in a day to do everything I want. Something always seems like it needs to get done or fixed or cleaned. Or I have to pump or clean pump parts or do something else chore-like. Sometimes, I just want to sit and hold her and admire our little family, and that’s it. I guess this is what it’s like to be a working mom — never feeling like you have enough time for everything and always feeling like you could be doing more, for yourself, your baby, and your home.

Triggering books

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Years ago, I read Khaled Hosseini’s book The Kite Runner and found it to be one of the most engaging stories I had read to date. His prose would quickly draw you in, and you really felt like you were immersed in the lives of his characters. I also learned a bit about living in Afghanistan and Afghani culture in general, which I had known little to nothing about. I always wanted to read his follow-up book, A Thousand Splendid Suns, but other books ended up taking priority in my book queue. I finally thought about this book the other day, so I checked on NYPL via the Libby app and found that it was available for loan, so I had it sent electronically to my Kindle.

Well, similar to The Kite Runner, this book drew me in right away.. as in, right on the first page. I read about 20 percent of the book until I realized I had to stop. The book is basically a mother-daughter story that depicts in gory detail how little rights women had in the 1970s and the Taliban takeover, which made women’s’ lives even worse than they already were.

The start of the story goes like this: a housekeeper for a very wealthy businessman, who has three wives and many children with those wives, gets pregnant by the businessman. He lies and says that the housekeeper pushed herself on him and he had no choice; we all know that’s bullshit. The housekeeper gets pregnant and keeps the baby. But everyone in town knows that the father of the child is this businessman. So the businessman spends every Thursday afternoon just outside of town with the kid as she grows up. When she’s 15, she asks him to take her to the cinema in town that he owns. He reluctantly agrees, but he never shows up. Her mother warns her that if she goes into town looking for him, she will kill herself. The girl ignores her mom. She goes into town looking for him and sleeps outside his mansion, waiting for him to show up. The servants say he is out of town when she tries to run into the courtyard, and she sees that he is actually there all along and allowed her to sleep on the streets.

She eventually goes back home… to find out her mom was true to her word: she hung herself by the tree outside their home.

And that’s when I had to stop. I can’t read this kind of story anymore. To see men get away with their abuses, mistreating women, women putting down other women (the wives were jealous and didn’t want to have anything to do with the housekeeper, or even the girl after her other died), and knowing that Afghanistan is still being run by the Tailban today makes me sick. That’s on top of the fact that women’s rights are eroding right here in the U.S. is too much to handle. I used to be able to read books that were this heavy and remove myself from them, but now, I can’t any longer. Today, living in the U.S. feels like a dystopia. Plus, I’m a mother now myself, and I feel like I’ve become way more sensitive to everything as a result of this.

So I returned the book electronically and checked out a Japanese thriller in its place. Hopefully, that will be more fun.

Data and “The Google”

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My nanny occasionally has mini rants about young moms of today, first time moms, and in general, moms of this generation. She likes to say every now and then that, “You moms don’t listen to us nannies who have 20+ years of experience. Instead, all you do is listen to your doctors and the Google.” I tried to explain to her that the Solid Starts website and app was based on research and study done on thousands of babies… while nannies certainly have experience caring for and feeding babies, no nanny on this planet has ever cared and fed thousands of babies. That just would not be possible. She rolled her eyes at me, indicating she didn’t really care for or believe what I was saying. She just thinks I’m being defensive. And that’s fine. But I’m still her boss. 😛

We do agree on some things with feeding the baby, though: it’s important to model chewing and spitting out in an exaggerated way so that babies understand what they do when they have different textures in their mouth. We need to give babies more credit for how much they absorb in watching us do everyday things, including handling, chewing, and swallowing food. They need to understand the “map of their mouth” to know how to safely digest food and not choke: food on the front of the tongue is for tasting; food further back on the tongue is getting ready to go down and get swallowed. Pureed food doesn’t teach babies to chew; it only has them swallow. Chewing is important for basic survival, and knowing how to chew and chew well opens up babies to an entire universe of foods that are not only nutritious but tasty. Oftentimes, babies and toddlers will develop aversions to different food textures, and it’s because they just weren’t exposed to it much or at all early on.

So my nanny can say what she wants about “the Google,” but all these points are not only backed by data, but logically, it just makes sense when you think about how human beings eat.

Nine years later.

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Dear Ed,

It’s the 9-year anniversary of when you bid farewell to this earthly world and left all of us. I can’t believe this much time has passed since I last heard your voice, since the last time I saw your face… your sad face. Some days, it feels like an eternity since I last saw you. Other days, it feels like just yesterday.

This time last year, I was pregnant with your little niece. And now, she’s over seven months old, thriving more than I ever could have imagined. She’s crawling, rolling, eating solid food, babbling and laughing. Sometimes, I see you when I look at her face. Sometimes, I imagine what your reaction would be to hear that she was born healthy and safe. I imagine what it would have been like to have you meet her in person for the first time, knowing she’s your little niece, your little sister’s baby. And these thoughts crush me. I try not to think about it too much because it gets me emotional and teary, and since she was born, almost everything makes me want to cry. I guess Kaia’s birth has made me even more in touch with my feelings, especially the sad and happy ones. I wish you could meet her and be a part of her earthly life.

I hope to raise her to be curious, thoughtful, empathetic, generous, and kind. I hope to share stories of you with her so that you will still be a part of her life, even if she will never meet you in person. I’m not sure if she will be able to have the privilege of having a sibling as I did with you, which makes me sad because I know I benefited so much from having you as my sibling in my life. Occasionally, I still have moments when I feel extremely lonely knowing you’re gone, knowing I have no living siblings. I don’t know if Kaia will feel that way if she has no siblings. But I think about the future, about our parents slowly growing older and needing care and support. And though money isn’t an issue for them, someone will need to facilitate all of that. And that burden is on my shoulders… my shoulders alone. It would have been more easy to fathom if you were still here so that we could support each other and grow old through life together. But you’re gone.

My heart is heavy. Kaia’s birth and presence every day is a reminder to me of my own mortality. She reminds me how quickly time is passing. Every minute that passes is another minute closer to death. Every minute gone is another minute lost. Sometimes, I just want to freeze time. Sometimes, I just want to go back in time and see you again, say and do other things to and with you. But I can’t. I won’t be here forever, and one day I’ll join you wherever you are.

Did you ever ask… what is this all worth? Why am I still here? Why do I still want to be here? Or were you so deep in your pit that you just stopped asking questions because the hurt was too much? I get it. I get it. Recently, I’ve been asking myself what I’m doing with my own life, or if I’m making the right decisions, or if I’m doing the best I can for baby Kaia. She gives me a new purpose in life, though. I’ve never realized how happy I could be until she arrived. Now I understand what other mothers say when they say that they can see their hearts beating outside their chests. She’s my little heart.

I will do my best to take the very best care of her and to have your spirit live on through the both of us. You will always be a part of our lives, Ed. I love you forever. Kaia will love you, too.

Love,

Yvonne

Resemblances

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Every day of Pookie Kaia’s life thus far, I have watched her gradually change and grow. Each day, her face has morphed just a little bit. Some days, she looks very East Asian. Other days, she looks more mixed. Some days, she seems fair skinned, and other days, she appears more brown. There have been many times I’ve looked at her and marveled over how much she looks like Chris. Other days, I smile to myself when I see how she has my exact same nose. Some days, her eyes look like mine, and other days, they look more like Chris’s. I also admire what Chris’s mum calls Kaia’s “Mona Lisa smile.” It’s a sort of half smile that makes you wonder what is going through her mind, and what she might have up her sleeve. It’s like she wants to keep us guessing.

There are days when I have seen my baby self from my old photos… right on her face. And then, there are even the days when I see little tinges of Ed in her face. I always loved looking at Ed’s baby photos. He was always smiling and giggling… and looked so carefree. He didn’t have the weight of the world on him them. He didn’t quite comprehend criticism or self hate then. I suppose part of the reason I love his baby photos so much is that in the life I can remember sharing with him, I never remember ever seeing him that happy or carefree… ever. So the photos capture a moment in time when he was that carefree and happy. They capture something in him that I was never able to witness in person.

Tomorrow will mark nine years since Ed passed away. Nine years ago, I wasn’t anywhere near the mindset of having a baby anytime soon. And now, we have baby Kaia here with us. Though she has two uncles, only one of them is still living. I wonder to myself how I will incorporate Ed into her life so that she knows him.. even though she will never meet or know him. I don’t want to make her sad or think too much about mental illness or death. But I do want her to be aware of life vs. death, about the circle of life. I dislike how many western parents today shield their children from even knowing what death is. That just doesn’t sound healthy or realistic.

Even Kaia’s birth and mere presence in my life is a reminder to me of my own mortality, that I will not be here forever, that we will not be together forever. I just hope she always knows she is deeply loved and always has my support.

The friend who went MIA

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A friend I made a few years ago while walking at the AFSP Out of the Darkness annual walk has been going through some rough times. Earlier this year, she had some conflicts at work, which eventually led to her getting fired in February. It sounded like there may have been some legal action taking place, but she said that due to the nature of the litigation, she wasn’t able to share what was going on, so I never asked any questions and didn’t want to pry. It really wasn’t my place anyway, but I told her if she ever wanted to talk, I’d be open. Since I found out, I’ve only seen her twice. The last time was for a lunch to celebrate her belated birthday, and that was while I was still on maternity leave. Since then, I haven’t seen her a single time. I know she is struggling and that interviewing isn’t going well. We were supposed to meet up for a coffee/tea break and walk in early June, but just a couple hours before we were scheduled to meet, she cancelled on me without giving any reason. I told her she should take time to herself, but that I was here for her if she needed.

Well, last week, I realized it had been over a month since I last texted her. So I messaged her and didn’t get a response. I dropped a few additional texts, and still nothing. I tried calling five times, and each time, I was sent directly to voice mail. I left one voice message. Then, I went to her Facebook page and saw that it was down.

A feeling of worry came over me. I immediately Googled her to see if I could find out anything but didn’t. It’s hard for me not to be concerned, especially after we met at a suicide prevention walk, and I know she’s had addiction problems in the past. And to make things worse, this week is the anniversary of Ed’s passing. So suicide and mental health are very much top of mind for me in particular this week.

The best case scenario here is that she’s just not ready to talk and is just shutting everyone out temporarily. I could accept that and give her space. The worst case scenario, which I hope isn’t true, is that she’s done something to herself. I can’t shake thinking about it.

Contact dermatitis

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It’s been about six weeks of introducing Kaia to solid foods, and while I’ve been a little nervous about choking and allergens, it’s been an enjoyable process to watch her explore and play with foods, put them in her mouth, and see which ones she enjoys the most. It certainly requires a high level of patience to watch her play and throw food, not to mention the extreme mess everywhere and the cleanup, but I figure that this is an investment into her future of eating and being open-minded to everything and anything food-wise. I want her to have positive associations with food and not to be scared of trying new or different things.

This morning, after having oats with flax, tahini, egg, and peach, our nanny took Kaia out for their usual late morning outing. But she stopped in her tracks while in our building lobby when she noticed that Kaia had redness around her mouth and neck and brought her back up to the apartment.

She opened the door of the second bedroom, where I was working, which she normally doesn’t do unless she’s grabbing diapers or wipes. “Yvonne, look at Kaia’s face,” she said nervously. She looked as though she’d seen a ghost.

Kaia had little red bumps around the corners of her mouth and on her chin. In addition to that, her drool rash seemed like it had gotten redder since earlier in the morning. Despite all that, she was still babbling and smiling and being silly.

Our nanny said it may just be a reaction from the acid of the peach, but it could also mean she’s allergic, maybe to the peach or the tahini since it was only day 2 of tahini. She asked me to email the pediatrician for advice, and so I did that while also snapping a photo of Kaia’s face to share.

A few online sources also mentioned the temporary acid reaction. The doctor also replied soon after and said it’s likely just that — a temporary rash which is a reaction to the acidity of the fruit, which is very common. The doctor said it didn’t look like an allergy. It’s called contact dermatitis, and it tends to fade after a couple hours of eating the fruit culprit. Luckily for us, Kaia’s redness faded within the next couple of hours, and she seemed totally fine. I wasn’t as worried as our nanny, especially when I saw the baby’s mood. But I did have a moment of, “ummmmmm…. WHAT IS THIS? NOOOOOO.”

Okay, so maybe I should slow down the speed that I’m introducing solid foods and spices. I was going to mince up some lychee for her this afternoon, but I decided to hold off. She can have some foods she’s already had for the next day or so, and then we can introduce something new on Wednesday. I just want to make sure she’s comfortable and that I’m not being too aggressive.

Asian greens baby

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Today was Kaia’s second day having mustard greens. I blanched the mustard greens I got from Brooklyn Chinatown with a little oil, and I separated the leaves from the stems, as the leaves can be a choking hazard unless finely minced for babies. I gave her three stalks yesterday afternoon, and she happily grabbed and gnawed on them, sucking their juices out. I was very pleased with her first exposure. Then today, the nanny reported back to me that she gnawed and chewed away at another set of three stalks to the point there was barely any vegetable left. The membranes were all broken down with little left.

I hope my baby grows up to love all green vegetables, but to especially embrace Asian greens. They are her mommy’s favorites, and I hope she knows just how special and delicious they are. Mustard greens are particularly good because it’s her first exposure to something that is slightly bitter. “Bitter” is a good flavor for babies to develop a taste of early on, so I hope this is a good sign. Who knows – I may introduce bitter melon to her next!

2nd baby shower this year

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Today, I went to a second baby shower of the year for me: my friend and his wife are expecting the arrival of a baby girl in about two weeks. Since they moved apartments for more space, I went out to Forest Hills for their housewarming/baby shower party. I was also reunited with a few of their friends, who had since had babies (or more babies) since the last time we all saw each other. Of course, we exchanged baby pictures, videos, and stories, and a number of the kids were actually there. It was actually the most un-baby shower baby shower I’d ever been to. There were no baby shower games, no opening or unveiling of gifts. It was just a bunch of adult friends with some of their kids, catching up and enjoying food and company.

This is why I tell Chris that baby showers really aren’t always awful events the way he thinks: baby showers are just excuses to host / throw parties and gatherings of friends and family. It’s an excuse to have a social event with food and to get people together and have fun. They don’t always have to have baby shower elements like the annoying games or party favors. They are what you make them. If you want to be social and host a party, why not use a baby’s pending arrival as an excuse? Chris avoids baby showers like the plague.

Chris just doesn’t like hosting parties or events… or really anything that resembles a group that is not family. He rather just go drink at a bar. 😛

Baby goes to Flushing

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Although we’d taken the baby to Queens a few times, we hadn’t yet gone to Flushing with her and did that today. Flushing is not necessarily the easiest place to take a stroller with its crowded streets and endless hustle and bustle, not to mention that most of the food spots barely have enough space for adults to sit and eat, but somehow, we made it work. We were able to get seats in places where you usually have to fight for seats. We sat in the New World Food Court to feed her and eat some Uighur kebabs and a samsa. We even managed to get through a torrential downpour where we got separated for about half an hour. I was waiting for fish dumplings that were being cooked to order, but I wanted to pick up my favorite soy milk and pork-cabbage bao at the same time. So I walked a block away to get the milk and bao and ended up getting stuck there due to the flooding. Chris and the baby found shelter inside a random nearby apartment building, where the doorman offered to let them stand inside. When I reunited with them, Kaia couldn’t be phased by anything, and it was like business as usual for her.

We returned home earlier than expected to have our fish dumplings and bao and with a good assortment of Asian greens for me to eventually wash, cut, and cook. I’m looking forward to having our baby be an Asian greens connoisseur.