Cooking traditions in families

My paternal grandma was an amazing cook. Like many women of her generation, she cooked simply by feel, taste, and approximation. She never measured out anything, unless you counted pouring things into rice bowls as “measuring.” She made endless Cantonese delicacies like a professional chef, yet I don’t think anyone in my family truly appreciated that about her until she was gone. I was only nine when she passed away, but I have so many fond memories of dishes she would make, from her labor intensive zongzi (dong, or Chinese tamales), savory Toisan style tang yuan (a chicken/shrimp/radish based thick soup studded with chewy plain mochi-like balls, napa cabbage, dried shrimp, and Chinese sausage; to her simple steamed chicken and mushrooms flavored with salted fish.

While I love my mom and my mother-in-law, I will be honest and say that if the two of them had one thing in common, it’s that neither really ever enjoyed cooking; they kind of got forced into it because of the men they chose to marry. My dad does not really think cooking is something a man should do every day; Chris’s dad can barely boil water on his own. So both mothers cooked out of necessity and were never truly passionate about it. Now that my mother-in-law has both her kids grown and out of the house, she does do more experimental cooking and some pretty good baking. And my mom, to her credit, makes a handful of dishes extremely well that I love, from her loaded jook, several variations of pork bone and vegetable soup, Vietnamese fried egg rolls, to her very rarely made Vietnamese braised pork belly and whole shrimp dish. But regardless of these things, I do not really look at either of them and think they have a signature dish or style that I’d necessarily want to replicate.

I was thinking about a basic Vietnamese condiment, nuoc cham, the popular dipping sauce today. And annoyingly enough, even though I’ve made it endless times, it’s never been a consistent result. I think it’s ultimately because my limes are inconsistent in how sweet/sour/bitter they are, and I don’t always remember to taste the “limeade” base before adding the fish sauce. So I texted two of my Vietnamese friends for their mom’s recipe. Of course, their mom had no recipe and went by feel. But she did confirm tasting the “limeade” concoction before adding in the fish sauce, garlic, and chilies first. If the lime is too bitter, it needs to be evened out with a touch of unseasoned rice vinegar — this is a key step, the tasting to see if the limeade is balanced; would you actually want to drink this as a beverage? That’s an easy addition, especially since I always have that on hand. My friends are trying to gradually document all of their mom’s recipes so that they can replicate it on their own. While that would be a labor of love, I think that’s one of the best ways to honor those who come before us — to continue the food traditions that they lovingly shared with us, so that our children after us can hopefully continue to enjoy and make these dishes. After all, food is culture, and culture is food.

The Pookster’s big smile

Kaia keeps coming to our bed in the middle of the night. Since around the time she’s turned 3, she’s become a lot more clingy to me. She’s exhibited a lot more baby tendencies, like wanting to be fed by us or held. And yes, I do indulge her. She is my baby after all, even if she is technically not a baby anymore. Though I missed her the last several days while I was away, I was happy to have some adult time, even if that meant being in a lot of back to back work sessions. I sent Chris a short video of me talking to her in Chinese a few of the days to keep her entertained. When I arrived home, just past midnight last night, I unpacked my bag and went into our bathroom to brush my teeth. I heard her sneak into our bedroom. She got on the bed and under the covers, assuming it was just Chris. She originally had herself positioned next to him, her head on his pillow. But she heard someone making noises in the bathroom and kept peering over to see who it was. When she realized it was me, she moved over to my side of the bed and on my pillow. When I got to the bed, her eyes were wide open and she gave me the biggest, happiest grin I’d seen her give in the middle of the night. She reached out to hug me. I told her I was back, but now it was very late, so she had to quickly go to sleep. She cuddled with me and fell asleep.

It was a long day of waiting for a delayed flight. But that moment of seeing her big, fat smile in the darkness made the journey worth it.

A tragic plane crash and frustrating flight delays

My flight going back to New York today was originally scheduled for 11:35. Then it became 11:55. Then it went past noon. It changed about every 20-30 minutes once I got into my Uber to get the airport, until finally at around 1pm, they said that we’d actually be departing at 3pm local time. This means I wouldn’t land at JFK until 11pm ET. I was definitely not a happy camper, but it’s not like there was anything I could do to help the situation. I just had my laptop and a bunch of crappy chains to get food from in this terminal.

I was thinking back to a few nights ago when I was at dinner with colleagues, and we were all getting push notifications on our phone about the tragic AA plane and military helicopter crash into Potomac River. People went around the table, saying that they were flying on Delta or United or Southwest. When I said I was flying AA, everyone went silent. It was as though they were holding their breaths for me given that this plane crash was AA, so who knows if my plane would crash, as well….?!

Chris made a good point about this when I shared this anecdote with him. He said that it was dumb people would react this way given that fatal car crashes happen literally every single day in Toyotas and whatever other mainstream car brand there is, yet none of these people would hesitate to get into an Uber ride with any of these cars; they wouldn’t even think about it. So the same logic could be applied to airlines.

Well, I’m still waiting for my very delayed flight. I’m also wondering what the heck I’m supposed to eat for dinner.

Conference time – not enough time to have real conversations

Our annual sales and success kickoff is the one time a year when a large chunk of my global company is in the same place at the same time. It’s a rare occasion, not just because we are all around the world, but also because a large number of us are 100 percent remote employees such as myself. It ends up being a bit of a stamina show to see how many people you can interact with in the space of two business days. You can’t talk to everyone. You want to chat with people you like and work with for obvious reasons. But you also want to meet with new people who you may have worked with briefly, have heard about, or would like to network with just because you either respect them or think they are interesting. Then, there’s also the idea that you want to network and build relationships with those who are influential at your company or who you could personally benefit from. Honestly, I’m done with number 3, so I really try to focus on 1 and 2.

Day 1 was rough. I barely got to talk to anyone for more than 2-4 minutes without getting interrupted and derailed. Then, I’d move on to the next person, and the same thing would happen. So really, the only time I was able to have a real, proper, in-depth conversation with anyone is if we actually went away from the conference area and did our own thing. We try our best to maximize our in-person time together, but it still feels like we’re all being stretched thin. Then, once the conference is over, you realize that there were 4 or 5 other people who were there, but you never even got to say hi to, much less interact with in any meaningful way at all!

“What dish would you make to impress me?”

I was at dinner last night with my team. I’ve always been cognizant that on pretty much every team I’ve ever been on at any company, I’m usually one of the rare people of color. On my team now, the people who bring “color” to the team are a Mexican American, a Persian-French Canadian, and myself. One of my colleagues, who had had a bit to drink, brought up that he remembered I’m really into food and like to cook. So he asked me this:

“If you could make one dish from your culture that you think would impress me, what would it be?” He paused and took another swig. “You know how if someone were Spanish, they’d say that they’d make me a paella or if they were Italian, they’d make me handmade pasta. What would the Chinese or Vietnamese equivalent be?”

This was a very strange question for me. I don’t think it’s necessarily a wrong or an offensive question. But the reason this question is strange is that in order to “impress” someone, there needs to be a basis of understanding of what that individual likes (and doesn’t like). Are there foods the person doesn’t eat or has allergies to? For Cantonese food, I’d consider a ginger scallion lobster or crab to be an impressive dish, but that clearly would not impress someone who had a shellfish allergy. Do they prefer meat or carbs or what? If I don’t know what you like or how picky of an eater you are, I’d really have no idea where to start thinking of ideas of what dish I’d make to “impress” you. The only real context with this person I have is that he’s a White male who lives in Texas, he eats a lot of fast food/junk food, and he’s addicted to Coke. What do I propose then — Chinese-style lightly battered fried chicken or Vietnamese cha gio (deep fried spring rolls stuffed with shrimp, mushroom, and pork, wrapped in thin rice paper)? I’m not sure.

I said I’d need to think about it, but I’d need more context. The conversation moved on. But it still just felt weird. It felt like I was being outed as “other,” and being put on the spot for it, and it didn’t feel that great. It was kind of a reminder to me that in Corporate America, I’ll always be a little different, and as such, I’ll never quite “blend in” fully.

Las Vegas: inconsistent hospitality, awful tap water, and endless glitz

I checked into my hotel for our annual sales and success kickoff quite early this morning — at around 11am. I was a little annoyed given that the front desk service was below subpar; she looked like she couldn’t care less about her job and barely made any eye contact with me. The woman said that they’d text me when my room was ready given it was so early. (I later told Chris this story. Given I was clearly complaining, he responded, “Sounds like a boomer.”) Maybe, but when you choose to work in hospitality, you should be… hospitable?!).

At around 3pm, I found out that a number of my colleagues had arrived and had already been given their room cards. Annoyed, I went back to the front desk and told a different front desk person what I was originally promised. He apologized profusely, then told me that while my booked room type wasn’t available, he’d upgrade me to a large top floor king room overlooking The Strip. This room was immediately available, so I could go to my room right away. I went up to my room and was pretty impressed: it was, indeed, a very large room with a huge bathroom, ample space throughout, and large floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking The Strip. I guess that situation ended up working out in my favor.

In between arriving and checking into my room, I was happy to see that a Famous Foods Street Eats Market, modeled after the Singaporean hawker food centers, had opened right here in Resorts World. The thought of having Hainanese chicken rice or laksa sounded quite tempting, so I made my way over there. Unfortunately, half of all the stalls were closed today through Thursday for Lunar New Year, so only a few desirable stalls remained open. I chose a claypot rice stall, which was fine, but it was a bit too greasy for my liking. At least they did do a decent job with the crispy rice bits.

While filling my water bottle with filtered tap water, I was abruptly reminded how terrible the tap water is here in Vegas. Even when I had hot tea (without milk), I could even taste how terrible and strange the water was through the tea flavor. Since then, I’ve decided to block out the awful water taste in tea by using black teas with milk only.

Las Vegas is a popular tourist destination year round, but around Lunar New Year, lots of Asian families love to come here to celebrate. And Vegas does do a good job getting decked out for the Lunar New Year: you can see endless Lunar New Year decorations everywhere here, with red lanterns, peach blossoms, and ornamental snakes given it’s the Year of the Snake. What’s also crazy is the type of gifts that are on display for purchase: you can buy extremely fancy, painstakingly handmade and decorated Lunar New Year butter and chocolate cookies for $88 (of course, it’s a lucky number with lots of 8s…), or even a solid gold snake statue for thousands of dollars and bring it home to grace your entry way!

Packing for Las Vegas – the dress I almost forgot about

This morning, I packed my bag for a four-day work trip to Las Vegas this week. My company’s annual kickoff is being held there this year. This Thursday, we have a party where we’re expected to dress up. While a lot of my female colleagues obsessed over Slack about what dress or outfit they’d buy, I opted out of the conversation immediately. I had no desire to go shopping or buy any new glitzy outfit that I’d wear once and then shove in the back of my closet, never to be worn or seen again. After all the spending on gifts around Christmas time, plus the money spent on travel, I really did not want to buy more disposable clothing for myself.

So instead, I went to the back of my closet to find dresses I haven’t worn in years, as in… since 2015-2016, way before Kaia was born. I found one navy-blue, backless Kookai dress that I loved and decided to try it on to see if it still fit. Yes, it definitely still fits. And if I remember correctly, I think I actually have more back definition this time than I did back in 2015 when I last remember wearing this thing! I felt a little self satisfied as I rolled it and packed it into my packing pod.

I might be older now, and I might be a mom, but I can still wear fitted, body hugging clothing. I’m happy I dragged this thing out.

When comprehension increases, so do the questions

I’ve been trying to make a more concerted effort to speak in Chinese as much as possible to Kaia. Even when I don’t always have the words, sometimes I’ll mix the English into the Chinese just to ensure she is hearing some Chinese. This morning, I explained to her in Chinese that from Tuesday to Friday of this week, I’d be going on a work trip to Las Vegas. I’ll be getting back late on Friday, so she likely won’t see me until Saturday morning. I told her she had to be very good, listen to Daddy, and listen to her teachers. I also told her to eat well while I was gone. She did her contemplative look and didn’t say much for a few seconds, likely taking in everything that I said.

“But I don’t want Mummy to go to work,” Kaia insisted, pulling on my arm. “I want Mummy to stay here with me.”

I told her that I had to go for work, but that I’ll miss her and will come back as soon as work is done.

“I don’t want Mummy to go,” she said again. “You’re going on an airplane? I want to come!”

I said she couldn’t come on this trip because this is a work trip, and Kaia doesn’t work.

“Mummy goes to work, so Kaia can go to work, too! Can I come to work with you?” Kaia said, giggling with glee.

It’s usually like this where I speak in Chinese: she responds back in English, showing she understood what I said. Sometimes, she will say a few phrases in response in Chinese. Other times, she will mix the English and Chinese. Either way, I know she knows what I am saying even when she responds back in English.

Then Kaia hugged me, and declared confidently, “Mama yao hui lai (Mumma will come back)!”

Kids’ sicknesses – the unpredictable predictable

Since Kaia’s bestie left her school last spring, she has definitely remembered him. We’ve seen him a few times since he’s left and moved to New Jersey. We’ve kept in touch with his parents, who have also been proactive about reaching out to us for potential play dates and get-togethers. They are probably the most proactive parents we’ve met when it comes to saying they will keep in touch — and actually doing it, unlike so many other parents of Kaia’s friends we’ve met. It’s nice to not always be the one reaching out all the time, so I appreciate this about Kaia’s bestie’s parents. They reached out several weeks ago to let us know they’d be in the city for a morning event, and checked in with us to see if we’d be free for a midday/afternoon catch-up. So given how cold it is outside, we invited them over for brunch and play date. We told Kaia about this ahead of time so she’d have something to look forward to this weekend. I already planned out my little menu and picked up some fun Lunar New Year treats to introduce them to. I even prepped ingredients to make no-sugar added, high fiber chocolate walnut date balls for the kids to enjoy. I also packed up a small bag of clothes Kaia had outgrown for her bestie’s little sister, who turned one this month.

Unfortunately early this morning, they reached out to let us know that their son woke up throwing up and was very ill, so we’d have to take a rain check on our play date/lunch. We were all disappointed, and Kaia was very, very sad. Though it was interesting to see how she reacted to it this time. She’s at this interesting crossroads in her baby-to-toddler development where she actually understands what it means when someone gets sick, and how that impacts her (as in, because her friend is not feeling well, she’s unable to see him). Much to our relief, she did not throw a tantrum, yell, or cry. Instead, she just looked at us, seemingly concerned, and kept repeating, “Jacob is not feeling well, so he can’t come over.” We then recorded her saying, “Feel better, Jacob!” and sent the video to his parents to show Jacob.

With little kids, you can have all the plans up the yin yang, but then all those plans can get thrown out the window once they come down with a fever, wake up throwing up, or break out into some mysterious coughing fit or rash. Instead, we made the most of the day and went to downtown Brooklyn for our annual visit to DeKalb Food Market. Kaia ended up having an extremely long nap of over 2.5 hours unexpectedly, but again, with kids, you can never always count on your plans working!

How Chris is like Romesh Ranganathan

Last night, we went out with some friends for a quick dinner and for an evening of comedy at the Town Hall to see Romesh Ranganathan perform. Romesh is a British actor/comedian of Sri Lankan descent. Chris originally found out about him years ago, and we watched his docu-series Just Another Immigrant, showing his journey and temporary move to LA to do stand-up comedy and “make it” in the U.S. — all while dragging his wife and kids with him.

Since Kaia was born, we haven’t gone out very much for live shows, but the majority that we have seen have been live comedy. This was the first time we got to see Romesh live, and there were moments when I laughed so hard that I was crying and wiping my eyes. I love his deadpan, self-deprecating humor, and I especially loved it when he talked about his little foibles with his wife. The two areas where I completely saw commonality between his perspective and Chris’s were around 1) making new friends, and socializing with new people, and 2) his attitude around having holidays/vacations with other couples/families.

Regarding making new friends, whether that’s friends organically or through Kaia’s friends’ parents, Chris has always been hesitant about the idea. He usually will say things like, “Well, you can make friends with them and let me know how they are,” or, “You can go to future birthday parties (with Kaia) and enjoy.” So in other words, he doesn’t want to commit to new people easily. He is always wary of anyone new, unless they are the spouse/partner of someone from “his” side.

Chris detests the idea of going on any trip with anyone else, minus his parents for max 3-4 days. Any time I have shared any story of a joint family big trip or couples/multiple families going on a holiday together, he grumbles and groans, insisting that it sounds like hell. He has said that the only way he’d ever agree to a trip with another couple is if he had full authority to decide literally every single thing that was done. So in other words, he’d need to be the trip dictator. Romesh shared, during his live performance last night, that during a drunken night out with other couple friends when he was not present, his wife had agreed to go on a holiday with another couple and their family to Portugal for ten days. It took a while for her to spit this out because she knew how angry he’d be about it. He said during the show, “I would have much preferred that she had shagged them!”

This sounded exactly like Chris. I felt so seen knowing that another person’s partner was exactly this way.