Three year work anniversary

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Today marks three years that I’ve been working at my current company. In June, I will mark 12 years being employed full time after graduation. It’s strange to think in some ways about how far I’ve come. It’s not as though I’ve aggressively climbed the corporate ladder (I haven’t), but I think more about how green and naive I was when I started 12 years ago, and how jaded and skeptical I am now. Three years ago, I knew very little about the real SaaS world since this was the first real SaaS company I’ve ever worked at. I’ve learned more about the software space, more about how internal politics works (that’s not necessarily a good thing), and more about how fragile work relationships are. You come in thinking you can remain friends with people once they leave, but for so many of us, once you leave a company, you leave behind everyone there, as well. You say you will be friends with these people, but the odds are against you. In the last three years, endless colleagues who I was friendly with have left, and I’ve only genuinely stayed in touch with maybe three of them. That means I’ve stayed in touch with one a year, which is more than I can say for all the other places I’ve worked at.

After all these years working in digital marketing and SaaS, I feel a lot more empathy now, more than ever, for working moms, for stay-at-home moms, and for women in tech who eventually leave the tech world permanently. It’s really hard being a woman in tech, and even harder being a woman of color in tech, because you have no idea how much your last name, your face, your gender, play into whether you are liked or disliked, promoted or given a raise, or pigeon-holed into certain stereotypes and roles. And as a woman of color over the last 12 years, I oftentimes feel misunderstood or betrayed by white women in the workplace. And it’s not like you can openly question it that way because then you’ll be accused of using the “race card or “gender card,” which for really perverse people, they believe that you have a leg up as a Asian or as a woman (because, as Ali Wong once said, that’s always been a winning combination in this world!).

But I do recognize I’m far luckier than so many people I know. And I’m grateful for that. But I do not feel like the tech world is changing at a rate I am comfortable with. It seems more like every day, I have to choose from a crappy situation to a crappier situation, as opposed to a situation that I actually feel is good for me, or good for future women in tech who come long after me.

Yes. This is 2020.

Being “rich”

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Once upon a time, in a land and time far away, the idea of having a million dollars seemed like a big deal, like really really big — so significant that when you finally reached that amount, you could label yourself a millionaire. Wow, I’m a millionaire! Yippee!

That time, at least, for “middle class,” white-collared professionals, particularly ones living in particularly expensive and dense areas such as New York City or the San Francisco Bay Area, has ended. Now, what does a million dollars buy you — a crappy, dilapidated two-bedroom apartment in San Francisco, crawling with roaches and full of lead-filled paint? A one-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side? Is that what you would consider “rich” today?

It’s a depressing thought. I used to always imagine I’d have a comfortable house, maybe four or five bedrooms, with a huge backyard where I could plant fruit trees, endless flowers, and have a section just for vegetables. When I was young and dreamt of that, the idea of money and building wealth wasn’t top of mind. I didn’t know the real worth of a dollar then. I don’t really want that anymore, but I do still wish I had some outdoor space. Who has that while living in New York City?!

Now, in a time of the Coronavirus pandemic, the idea of “richness” to me has changed in meaning. Now, I think about being rich in terms of food and toilet paper. Tonight, we had a third delivery from Mirchi Market, an Indian/Pakistani grocery delivery service, now a standard delivery for us during this period, and when Chris opened up the boxes, I marveled at all the fresh fruit and vegetables, the dosa batter, even the Indian mixture snacks he got. I especially widened my eyes when he unveiled an entire flat box of 16 beautiful yellow mangoes, fragrant from being nearly ripe.

I was so excited. “We’re rich! We’re rich! Look at all these mangoes!” I exclaimed. We’ve had to store some of the mangoes in our coat closet, and as a result of this, as the days have passed and they’ve slowly ripened, when I open the closet, I am immediately greeted by the floral, sweet perfume of their juices nearly oozing out.

This is what it means to be rich, to have so many gorgeous, delicious, sweet mangoes that you don’t even know where to store them all; to have a freezer so full that you have to hesitate before considering adding yet another frozen item to your shopping cart while at the grocery store; to not make another dish until you have more free space in your fridge. This is what it means to be rich right now.

Central Park bird watching

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Since I was young, I’ve always loved birds, especially since I was a proud owner of a particularly cheeky and smart parakeet. Traveling to different parts of the world, particularly in Southeast Asia, Brazil, and South Africa, was eye-opening in that I finally got to see some of the most colorful birds I’d ever seen before. In South Africa, I remember the moment while on a safari, we saw the bird that Zazoo from The Lion King was named after, the red-billed hornbill; this bird had at least a dozen different colors on its vibrant feathers and was quite the looker!

But without really thinking about it, right here in New York City, a concrete jungle, exists over 270 different bird species that come and go in Central Park. While pigeons, sparrows, and American robins, and blackbirds are common sightings throughout, other lesser known beautiful birds flock all over the park, particularly in the springtime when it is mating season. I didn’t realize at least half a dozen different sparrow species existed, nor did I realize that there are endless swallows all over Central Park. Very briefly, I was able to spot a cute and plump barn swallow, noted for its deep blue coloring all along its back, a white breast, and a reddish-orange throat. I’ve also seen at least four different wild finch species, ranging in brown and white colors to even red, blue, and yellow. And somehow, what they all have in common is that their preening looks top notch, as though they are extremely healthy, and they are all quite plump and fat! What the heck are they all eating?

I’ve also had the time to observe them taking their sand baths to help with their preening and shedding excess oils on their feathers. It’s quite a sight to see them fluff up and bury all parts of their bodies into areas that are quite sandy and dusty. I suppose this is what you miss during the daily hustle and bustle, even when you are taking the occasional stroll through Central Park. You miss moments in nature like these. But I guess now I can appreciate them more during my daily walks there, listening to podcasts and observing others around me, jogging or taking their own casual walks, masks on face.

“Civil liberties”

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I look at the way countries like Taiwan and South Korea have handled COVID-19, and I am constantly in awe at how people in some societies just obey orders they are given, barely question it at all, and stay inside. This type of collectivist mindset, while not great for innovation and producing independent critical thinkers, is extremely productive for global pandemics like the one we are currently facing.

Unfortunately, American dipshits in this country think that these stay-at-home orders to prevent the spread of COVID-19 are a violation of their civil liberties, of their ability to “live free and die.” An Orthodox Jew recently sued the state of New York for not allowing him to participate in Jewish gatherings, whether that was a wedding that got disbanded or Passover, because it was a violation of his rights as a citizen of this country. Others are going to their state capitol buildings to protest to end the shelter-in-place in their state, saying that these orders are more politically driven than anything. “This is not being done out of need because we’re being overly paranoid about how serious this virus is.” “It’s not that bad.” “Not that many people have died.”

And I’m sure that the people who are saying this either have not gotten the virus, have no loved ones who have gotten the virus or has died from it, nor do they work on the frontlines of these hospitals combatting the virus and treating patients needing ventilators and blood donations. These people are absolute idiots, and the world would truly be better off if they themselves were eradicated.

I understand that this is hurting the economy. Not all of us have the luxury of being able to work from home. Many people are out of work. It’s awful to not be able to put food on the table or not know when you will have health insurance again (yeah, THAT thing, which is its own can of worms). What they are being selfish and ignorant about, though, is that it’s not about caring or not caring whether they catch the virus or not; it’s that they could have the virus and give it to people who are weaker or older than them and have THEM die. COVID-19 is asymptomatic in so many people, so many of us are likely walking around with it and have no idea at all. And it’s not like there’s enough tests to go around just to check to see if we have it. So, the safest thing for all of us to do is to assume we have it and stay inside, away from everyone else, unless absolutely necessary.

So I’m not really sure if I should feel sorry for these people with their ignorance or just hate them. I think I’ve settled with hatred here, though.

Sweet potatoes

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I love sweet potatoes. They are likely one of the most nutritious foods on earth, rich in vitamins A, B (multiple types), C, beta carotene, potassium, and fiber. I used to eat them on their own all the time, steamed or roasted, but because Chris is not a huge fan of them, I’ve eaten them a lot less in the last eight years. I’ve occasionally spent time researching how I could incorporate these into our diet without him seeing them on the plate and screaming, “SWEET POTATOES! Noooo!”

A few vegan recipes I’ve seen have combined sweet potatoes with black beans in quesadillas. Something about that just seemed weird to me. There needs to be some other flavor component to pull these flavors together, and I found a recipe that incorporated some ground chipotle pepper that piqued some intrigue. Well, that could definitely be a start. Since I have a huge supply of dried Mexican chilies I’ve stocked up on, I decided to rehydrate a few ancho and pasilla chilies, add cumin, smoked paprika, and cinnamon, and mash roasted sweet potatoes and canned black beans together.

Combined with some hemp seeds, avocado, minced cilantro, mozzarella/cheddar, and pickled jalapeños and heated on a pan, these mini quesadillas were surprisingly very impressive. The flavors really work well with the rehydrated ancho/pasilla chilies with their heat and smokiness. Chris even embraced them and said they were very good. He made no negative comments on the sweet potatoes here.

Win/win for the sweet potatoes and black beans together. 🙂

African authors

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Since visiting the continent of Africa and exploring South Africa in December 2017, I started thinking a lot about the Western European/white bias of the entire world we live in, from education to politics to art. I thought a lot about it throughout school, especially when studying art history (that was the thickest, heaviest textbook I ever used, and our teacher said that since the Advanced Placement college-level exam didn’t cover the Asian or African continents that we’d skip over those chapters. Those chapters were HUGE — they basically were half the weight of those textbooks!). In English, our focus was about 99 percent on American or European authors. When we did have the option to read books of our choice, the consideration list was always limited when it came to works from Africa, Asia, or Central/South America. Oceania basically didn’t exist from a literature standpoint. It was unbelievably depressing and made me feel like outside of Western Europe and North America, no where else really mattered or had “high status.”

As an adults, though, we have the responsibility to ourselves and our communities to self-educate and learn about these other areas… assuming we actually care. I’ve tried to read more and educate myself more to make up for the crappy biases I’ve been raised with. It’s definitely an effort.

I think one major benefit of Trevor Noah taking over as the host of The Daily Show is that he’s showcased so many guests of many backgrounds that normally would not get a spotlight like this. One of the guests he interviewed a while back was Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, a Nigerian author who splits her time between the U.S. and Nigeria, and writes novels and short stories. She writes about the perception of race across different countries and what feminism means — not directly, but more indirectly. Her direct acknowledgement of the importance of feminism in society comes out a lot more strongly in her interviews. One of her books, Americanah, was a New York Times bestseller, and has been on my reading list for a while. I finally got it from the NYPL and had it sent to my Kindle this past week, and from the first page, I was in love with it. It’s honest, raw, poetic, colorful — you really feel what the characters are feeling. The writing draws you in immediately, and her commentary on black American vs. black Nigerian attitudes, perspectives, and how the world views them is so pointed. I personally think that if we had books like this as assigned reading in school throughout K-12 and beyond, we’d have a more well-rounded education that incorporated more viewpoints around issues that, well, are still a challenge we all face today. We’d be more open-minded, less in denial of things like racism, sexism, classicism, and inequality.

Privilege

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We’ve been really privileged and fortunate during this crazy pandemic period. Our fridge, freezer, and pantry have been full of both fresh, frozen, and homemade frozen foods (like my wontons). We aren’t out of any critical necessities, and if we get close to being out of anything, we’re able to get them with ease. It’s been sad to hear about people who are not able to get the food and essentials they need, either because they no longer have jobs and income, or because they are old, frail, or disabled, without the ability to go out and get what they need, or with no one who can help them.

The New York Times has a lot of faults in terms of its reporting and elitist slants and lenses when it digs into certain topics, but one thing I think they’ve done a pretty good job of is highlighting all the communities during this period who are oftentimes overlooked. The reporting they’ve done on at-risk communities has been quite well rounded, like those in foster care and abusive households, and even non-human communities at risk: the elephants and rhinos across countries in Africa whose lives are truly endangered because of the increase in poachers.

I’ve checked in with my own mentee during this period a few times. She has enough food and supplies, but she’s at risk given she suffers from depression and lives at home. She has anxiety issues being by herself for prolonged periods. There’s little I can do to help her given she just wants to be around other people, but at least we can check in via text and social media like everyone else is. These situations are just blunt and harsh reminders of the inequalities that we oftentimes are shielded from on a day to day basis. Some of us are luckier than others… a lot luckier.

Sourdough starter overfloweth

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I was waiting until I got my hands on whole wheat flour before I actually used my ripened sourdough starter for the first time, so I had to put the sourdough starter in the fridge. Once it’s in the fridge and no longer in a friendly, warm environment, sourdough starter begins to “sleep,” meaning it becomes dormant in the cold and needs to be reawakened for use by taking it out of the fridge, re-feeding it, and getting it to the ripe, mature stage again. Unfortunately for me, I had no idea what I was doing, and instead of re-feeding it with all-purpose flour, which is what I originally began this starter with, I thought no harm would be done if I added my new whole wheat flour. Apparently I violated a rule that says you are supposed to keep with the same flour, and the starter became far less happy and bubbly. And as a result of this, it’s been less gurgly and excited since coming out of the fridge.

This means I have more discard starter to use… even when I do not want to bake or make anything. Whole wheat sourdough crumpets are what I tried…. and what I did not realize is that the texture would be completely different than with all-purpose. As Chris said, “these are more doughy.” In other words, these are far more dense and not airy and “hole-y” the way the white flour ones are. Test and learn, I suppose?

Social media posts today

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There have been some real gems on Twitter when it comes to commentary on what people are choosing to post on Facebook and Instagram during COVID-19. The three biggest areas that I’ve seen an increase are:

  1. Cooking posts/pictures from people who normally NEVER cook or bake.
  2. Workout videos showcasing people working out at home in a confined space.
  3. Screen shots or videos of people’s Zoom catch-ups with friends and family.

For #1, these people are clearly seeking out praise for going to what has been to them pre-COVID-19, “uncharted territory.” Congratulations on actually being a freaking adult finally and learning how to cook for yourself. I’m actually happy that people who refuse to cook, think they are too good to cook, or just insist on using the excuse that they’d be a lousy cook to not cook are actually PUSHED to cook during this current sheltering-in-place. Stop being stubborn and emperor-like and grow the f*** up.

For #2, no one cares about your home workouts because guess what? Assuming you exercise and want to continue exercising during this period, home is the only place where ANY of us are working out. The only exceptions to this is people who go running.

Lastly, for #3, this is where people who love to post group pictures of their brunches, picnics, friends’ outings, etc., come in. They are so devastated by not being able to have a social calendar to fill up for the next six months that this is their survival tactic. By posting a Zoom screen shot of all the different faces of people you consider your friends, you are trying to show your “network” that you do value human connections and HAVE people in your life who actually want to catch up with you and your mundane life today. You are not a loner. Scream that out via your Zoom video.

This is a tough time for everyone. Tough times are when people show their true colors, though, their grittiness, their vulnerabilities, their insecurities. I just find it completely predictable for some people how they choose to share this via social media.

Social media changes in a day and age of COVID-19 social distancing

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Once upon a time, in a day and age of Facebook, Instagram, and social media, when everyone wants everyone else to know what they are doing and thinking at all times (what am I wearing today? >> OOTO, aka “outfit of the day,”; where am I traveling to? What am I reading (news articles, features, books, etc.); what am I celebrating? Who am I dating? How much do I love my mom that I need to write a really gushy, overly affectionate post about her on Mother’s Day?), we lived in an era of FOMO, aka “fear of missing out.” That person is getting engaged or married, so why am I single? All my colleagues are getting pregnant, so why am I not having a baby? My friend seems to be on a holiday around the world every two months; where do they get that kind of money and time off, and why can’t I have that life?! Because of social media, many of us have been left feeling even more lonely (as ironic as that sounds), as though our lives aren’t measuring up because of all the fancy and amazing posts those we know are posting. Our lives suck in comparison. WHY IS THIS THE CASE?

But now, fast forward to today, or rather, in the U.S., the last six weeks. Anyone who lives in a city that has leadership that actually cares about them is enforcing social distancing and sheltering in place. This means that there’s really no more FOMO anymore, unless “FOMO” means you are jealous of what someone is making for dinner, how much more bubbly your friend’s sourdough starter is, or the fact that your colleague somehow was insanely productive the last six weeks and nearly mastered piano/Japanese/doing the splits/something else that generally takes a lot of time, energy, and perseverance. No one is traveling the world. No one is going on crazy business trips to exotic places. No one is running marathons. No one is having some lavish first birthday party complete with a professional photographer, videographer, caterer, and balloon artist. No one is getting married because the courthouses are closed (the engagements are still happening, but well….).

All of that has been replaced with FOGO, or “fear of going out.” If we go out, will our friends, family, and colleagues judge us? If we leave our houses, will we get coughed on or catch the Coronavirus just by touching a shopping cart at Wegman’s or Trader Joe’s? If we get takeout or delivery from our favorite restaurant, are we actually helping a small business survive, or are we putting their workers more at risk for catching the virus?

All of social media is now: comparing grocery hauls and what we were able to buy or not buy (“Duane Reade ran out of toilet paper!” “THERE’S NO MORE DRY ACTIVE YEAST OR FLOUR AT Whole Foods!” “OMG, I finally scored a dozen eggs on my fifth try at Trader Joe’s!” Oh, and there’s also the super Type As who are being crazy productive, doing home improvements like rearranging furniture and redecorating, creating make-shift home offices that look like they came out of a Pottery Barn catalog, and those who have started the most intense art projects ever (mosaics made out of pistachio shells, wine bottle corks, and recycled colorful paper, anyone?).

If life ever returns to “normal” again, how will that new “normal” be redefined, and how long will FOGO return back to FOMO?