6-week postpartum check-up and sexpectations

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In most western countries, in the weeks after birth, new moms are attended to with in-home nurse visits, pelvic floor therapy, and attentive medical services. In the U.S., you won’t see your OB until six weeks postpartum, and that will be for, at best, a 10-15 minute visit. Here, she will ask you how you are feeling (are you experiencing postpartum depression?), examine your vagina (or c-section wound, if you had a c-section) to see that the stitches have healed, and basically send you on your way and give you the seal of approval that you can move forth and have sex and exercise once again! It’s pretty ridiculous how basic it is, and it really highlights how little care women get in our society in general.

My doctor said that I was fully healed, which I already knew I was. She asked me what I was doing about birth control, and my gut reaction was to smile and let out a little laugh.

“Abstinence?” I responded, frankly. “I’m so exhausted and sleep deprived that the very last thing on my mind is sex!”

Even though I had technically healed, I didn’t fully feel “normal” down there. I cannot imagine having sex or even putting a tampon into my vagina at this point. How do people have sex in the few weeks after giving birth, and how the fuck do men try to force or guilt their partners to have sex….??? I’ve read too many awful stories about this and it makes me so sick… to my vagina.

Avoiding dysfunction by blaming Omicron

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My one cousin who lives in New York has suggested that he, his wife, and son come to our apartment to visit our baby for the first time. While in regular circumstances, this would be a happy visit, in my circumstance, or at least, with my cousin’s life, this is not a happy visit. He has a miserable work life and and arguably worse family life, and he complains like no one else I’ve ever known in my entire life. Woe is always him, and he’s always a victim. Chris can’t stand him for obvious reasons and does not want him coming over. So the easy way to push this visit out is to blame the rising rates of positive Omicron cases and to say we are holding off on visitors due to this, which my cousin would easily understand. I can’t use that excuse forever, but at least for now, I can keep his negativity at bay from my family.

Grandparent demands for photos and videos

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It is often said that parents, when they become grandparents, become totally different in the way they interact with their grandchildren. In the handful of Asian mom groups I am in on Facebook, it’s a common experience shared that when we were children, our parents were extremely strict, never said “I love you” or expressed any type of loving emotion towards us to our faces. Yet when they interact with our children, who are their grandchildren, they suddenly become super affectionate and actually start saying “I love you” directly to them.

My parents have become obsessed with Kaia, constantly demanding photos and videos as though that’s all I spend my days and nights doing. My mom finally got the hint that I was no longer going to answer the phone when she called 4-5 times per day, so she’s laid off and occasionally calls and sends a text message. But when I don’t send a photo or video for a day, she immediately gets worried and just jumps to the conclusion that something is wrong, which is really annoying. My dad would email me (because that’s how he likes to communicate with his only living child) and ask if everything is all right, and to please send photos.

On the one hand, it is cute. On the other hand, I do not exist solely to send photos and videos of their grandchild to them. I have to actually… TAKE CARE OF and raise this child, and it’s not a hobby. It is my responsibility, and I am not going to just send photos and videos at their beck and call.

Murasaki Hojicha Diagonal Thi

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When we were deciding on names, it was a bit of a debate to say the least. Chris really wanted something for our child that was unique and also represented something about us or something we liked. So he settled on the name Murasaki Hojicha Diagonal Thi (Wong Jacob). We both like the color purple, he said, and he studied Japanese for a number of years and we like Japanese culture, so Murasaki could be her first name. Added bonus: Murasaki is also the name of the first female novelist (from Japan) who wrote the famous book Tale of Genji, and so there’s some good history and feminism attached to this. Hojicha… not sure what his rationale was for this, but that just sounds good and cute, plus it means roasted green tea, which is one of my favorite teas. For Diagonal, Chris hates crossing the street at crosswalks and prefers to do a diagonal whenever possible (and thus jay walk), and so a middle name of Diagonal would be fitting. Plus my middle name is passed down on my mom’s side, and the baby’s name would be complete in his opinion.

Granted, this is not her official name as we all know, but it’s what he thinks is her *real* unofficial name. So, in the morning, he calls her “morning Murasaki,” and once noon hits, she is then dubbed “afternoon Hoji.” It’s a cute transition and a cute name, but it just shows how quirky (and ridiculous) my husband is.

American healthcare recognizes that I only have one boob.

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Thanks to former President Barack Obama, women across this country who are employed by companies of a certain size were entitled to dedicated spaces for pumping breast milk after coming back from maternity leave. On top of that, they were also entitled to having their breast pump covered by insurance, as well as replacement parts, after the initial purchase. I placed my order via insurance for my breast pump back in November, and the company they are going through notified me a week ago that I was ready for replacement parts if I’d like them, so of course, I requested them. What I was not prepared for was that the replacement parts were just for one breast.

This is what the box says:

Spectra Premium Accessory Kit

Contents:

Breast shield

Back-flow protector

Valve

Tubing

Bottle

Bottle Cap

Disk

Bottle Cover

So in case you are not familiar with pumping, the ideal setup, especially if you own a breast pump that allows for double pumping, which means pumping milk from both breasts… is that you WILL double pump for more efficiency. So the above contents are just for one breast, as each piece is singular. So what does this mean — American healthcare via my health insurance recognizes that I only have ONE boob and not two?????

This is truly American healthcare at its finest. This is beyond embarrassing that to call this a SNAFU (situation normal: all fucked up) would genuinely be an understatement.

And if you are pumping exclusively or pumping as much as I do (that’s 6-7 times per day), it’s recommended you replace your parts every month, not every three months as insurance will cover. And you would need to replace them for both boobs. So thanks, American health insurance, for only recognizing half of my boob inventory.

Marital conversations during the newborn weeks

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Once you have a baby, the conversations that you have with your spouse day to day will change drastically from the time pre-baby. This is a quick sample of questions that Chris and I ask each other throughout the day:

Chris to me:

How was your pump? 

How was your output?

How many minutes on each boob?

Is she actually eating or is she just pacifying?

Do we still have any berries left?

Why did you get that type of oat milk? (He wants Oatly and only Oatly)

Was it just pee?

Do you want me to change her or do you want to do it?

Do we need more diapers?

Me to Chris:

How was the feed?

Is that formula or breast milk (in the bottle)?

Did she spit up? How much?

Who is that gift from?

Who sent that package?

Can you make sure to buy more veg when you go to Whole Foods/Brooklyn Fare?

I am sure that the questions will eventually get less mundane, but this is the way it goes now.

A morphing skin tone

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When our baby was first born, her skin pretty much resembled mine when I was born. She wasn’t too light, but she wasn’t too dark. She did not have that pearly white skin that Chinese babies have, but rather more olive skin the way someone in Southeast Asia might have from lots of sun exposure, hence my Vietnamese side. Or, maybe her skin was a little bit less fair because of Chris’s Indian heritage. Regardless, her skin tone has definitely not remained the same since birth, and in fact, it has actually been morphing pretty much every single day since she was born. 

Some days, our baby is very fair skinned and light, whereas other days, she almost looks completely light brown, particularly on her chest and belly when we are rubbing her with lotion.  It is most noticeable on her chest and belly and less on her face. I have even noticed that some days, her legs are the darkest part of her body, and that is strange given the fact that they are almost always covered in her onesie. She gets a decent amount of indirect light given that we have floor to ceiling windows in our living room and a lot of natural light in our apartment, but we try hard to make sure that she doesn’t get too much direct sunlight because her skin is still very young.  So it’s not the light in the apartment that is making her dark. It’s just her body figuring out what color she should be, which will likely keep changing as she continues to get a little older day by day.

My first birthday as a mama 

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Today, I turned 36. It is my first birthday as a mother, and although I hoped to become a mother earlier than this age, I would not have anything different if I had to do it over again. Being 35 and pregnant was a great experience for me. People often times say that as you get older, life events like pregnancy and childbirth become harder. A friend of mine gave birth at 34 and said that she lamented having her first child that late because she spoke with women who had given birth in their late 20s and early 30s who bounced back far quicker than she did. Well, I had a very smooth, complication-free pregnancy despite having to go through IVF from age 34 into 35, and I had a quick recovery from birth all things being equal. Well, my pelvic floor is still not 100%, but then again, it’s only been just over four weeks, so I still have more time that I need to heal.

Every time I look at my baby, I am beyond grateful that she is here and healthy. She is just over one month old, and when I look back at photos of her from this time last month, I cannot believe how quickly she has grown and how much her little face has changed in such a short span of time. Every day, she changes just a little bit. And every day, I cannot believe that I am this lucky to have her here. I love her more than anything else on earth.

There were many times in the last year or two when I wondered if I would ever even become a mother. Perhaps it wasn’t in the cards for me, I thought. Maybe I didn’t deserve to be a mother. There was a lot of uncertainty, a lot of fear, and a lot of tears, but we are finally here and our baby is with us. 

And so, even though today is full of a lot of the same routine, with feeding, burping, pumping, and dealing with spit ups, I have never been happier or more fulfilled. Every day since her safe and healthy arrival, I have given thanks for her existence in my life. This is, indeed, a very happy 36th birthday for me.

when every day feels the same

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I have a lot of things to be thankful for: I have a healthy and relatively predictable baby, my husband and I don’t hate each other after having our baby, I have a husband who is as involved as possible with child rearing, I don’t have intense mommy resentment of Daddy for not having to produce milk (not yet, anyway), and I had a relatively swift recovery given my unmedicated birth. But one thing that definitely is frustrating to a degree that I may not have the right to be frustrated about given our very fortunate situation is that every day is pretty much the same: I wake up, I pump milk, I nurse my baby, I wash bottles, I clean the house, I cook a little food, and then repeat. Our baby is on a three-hour eating schedule, so every three hours the process always repeats. During the daytime, I nurse her at every session, then I hand her off to Chris to do her bottle feed. Then approximately an hour and 45 minutes after I nurse her, I pump. This is on repeat pretty much every three hours. 

At night, though, at least after sleeping my first 2 1/2 hour block, I pump every four hours for my sanity. If I were a hard-core exclusive pumper, I would pump every 2 to 3 hours regardless of daytime or night time, but I know that if I were to attempt that, I would not only be a zombie, but I would be resentful of my husband for not having to lactate and pump milk, and that would not be fair. And so, I did not even think about pursuing that route. And if you can believe it or not, I actually feel well rested after my second block of night sleep, which is usually around 3 1/2 to 4 hours long. I guess what they say is true: you really do adjust to having far less sleep after having a child. 

I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel, though. I want to be able to see a day when my milk production has increased, my hormones have stabilized so that my milk production has also stabilized, which then means that I can pump less and enjoy my baby more. Because right now, even with the help of Chris here 24/7 since he has not still not gone back to work, I still feel like my entire life revolves around pumping as opposed to my own baby. I want to be able to enjoy my time with her, to be able to cuddle with her and not have to worry about a ticking clock reminding me that I need to fucking pump. I feel like I spend more time pumping than directly with my own child, which sounds absolutely ridiculous to me. But I keep reminding myself that this is temporary, that this is a short term investment for a long-term gain… Not just for my child’s health and immunity, but also for my milk supply to help her health and immunity. I have completely put the pressure on myself. No one else has pressured me to produce milk or to continue this pumping journey. The doctor has not done this, Chris has not done this at all, and I know that at any time if I were to say that I wanted to switch the baby completely to formula, Chris would likely be supportive. But I don’t know if this ends up being my only child, and so because of that, I want to make sure I am giving her everything I am possibly able to in order to ensure her health and happiness. And for me at this point, it starts with as much breastmilk as possible. This is like my obsession now… and my way to prove to myself that I am not failing at my motherhood goals.

Big eyes that want the booby but can’t have it

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After coming to terms with the fact that my baby had a poor suck and thus pour milk transfer, We had to revise her feeding schedule so that all of us would be a little bit more sane. What that entailed was reducing her nursing sessions from six times a day to four times a day, and also having me do one or two of the bottle feeds to relieve Chris. Unfortunately, my pumping increased from 6 to 7 times per day given my desire to become an exclusive pumper, but it is what it is and I chose this path… sort of.

The first time during the evening when I did a bottle feed for the baby after nursing her, I nearly started crying. It wasn’t that the bottle feeding was particularly cumbersome or emotional per se, but it was more the big eyes that she stared up at me with that got me. That evening, I nursed her on both breasts for about 20 minutes, and knowing that she would almost never get full off of my breasts given the poor milk transfer, I gave her the bottle I had prepared. But immediately, she seemed very confused. She looked up at me with these big, glassy eyes, as though to say, Why? Why are you giving me a bottle? I want the booby!  Then, she proceeded to move her face towards my breast and start biting my breast area, and I realized that this was exactly what she was trying to communicate to me. I want mommy’s boobies. I want to eat from your breasts. Why are you giving me a bottle? I want you.  

And that was what almost made me cry. I wanted to tell her, Mommy wants nothing more than to nourish you directly from her breasts, but unfortunately, we can’t do that because you have poor milk transfer and thus will never get full that way. We need to make sure that you are gaining weight and growing, and this is the most sustainable way for all of us. We don’t want you to get frustrated on the breast because you have to work so hard. We just want you to eat and be nourished. And in the meantime, mommy is trying her best to increase her milk supply without your help to get you as much breastmilk as possible.. Because you love mommy’s milk, and mommy knows this.

She is never going to understand that message now, and she may never understand that message even when she gets older. But I hope that someday, she will understand the sacrifices that I have chosen to make to ensure that she has the best life possible. And for now, in my opinion, the best life possible is her having as much breastmilk as possible.