Kaia’s last day at her current school

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Today is Kaia Pookie’s last day at her current school. She’s spent 15.5 months at her current school, in three different classrooms. And since her 18-24-month class, the teachers have always told us what a little leader she is. They call her Ms. Kaia because she loves to mimic what the teachers say in terms of instructing kids on what to do, whether it’s for sitting down, being quiet, or going to the potty. She’s “the life of the party,” one of the teachers told me yesterday. “Everyone always knows Kaia because she makes sure that you know who she is!” Apparently, teachers from other classes all know her and look forward to seeing her and her big personality. It’s truly amazing to see how much she’s grown and flourished in her time at this school. She came in as an almost 17-month-old baby, and she’s leaving as a fast-growing and maturing 32-month-old toddler. She’s no longer wearing diapers at school anymore, walking around commando (just shorts, no underwear/diaper)!

For treats for the teachers and kids, we brought mini (dairy and non-dairy) ice cream cones. We also wrote her two teachers thank-you notes. We’ll likely be back for backup care in the future, but overall, we’ve had a good experience at this school and enjoyed the curriculum and structure. Daycare has been a good experience for us, and it’s something I share with all new parents who are hesitant to move their kids from being at home with a nanny/grandparent to school. There’s something magical that happens when kids are altogether. Peer pressure can be good and bad, but I try to see the good (like the nap instilling!!) and be happy about that.

Seeing my brother dead once again in dreams

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It’s like my subconscious is awakened when it knows I’m heading back home to San Francisco soon. For the first time in ages, I dreamt about Ed again. And this dream was not a pleasant one. It was like the dreams I had for the months after he died 11 years ago where he kept dying and killing himself in different ways.

I dreamt I was back at my parents’ house, and I thought I was home by myself. I went into the bathroom, and there was a large baby bathtub suspended above the regular bathtub. But it was weird because I could see a pair of legs under the baby tub. I moved the baby bathtub to reveal my brother, face up, eyes closed, half drenched in water and unconscious. He was wearing the Ed Uniform: long white-sleeved shirt, beige khakis, and black zip-up jacket, no socks. I screamed, grabbed and shook him, and asked him to wake up. He was completely unresponsive. I ran to grab my phone and call 911.

I woke up abruptly at about 3am. I felt sweaty and extremely irritable. Just a few hours before, I had woken up, asked Kaia if she needed to pee while she was still asleep. She clearly was fast asleep. But within seconds, I heard “ssssssssssss” — the sound of her peeing right onto her waterproof hospitable blanket mat. Great. I ran to soak up as much pee as possible. When I asked if she wanted to pee, I meant… pee in the potty.

I hate those dreams so much. It always is a reminder to me of how powerless I was in Ed’s desperate situation, how powerless I will continue to be in the constant miserable state of my parents’ lives. It’s like the theme of my family life with my parents and Ed: powerless, always, with nothing humanly possible to do to help.

Summer in San Francisco = not summer

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I took a quick look at the weather forecast for San Francisco during the 1.5 weeks we’ll be there, starting Saturday. And it looked as pathetic as I thought it would: it’s pretty much 60s F the entire time we are there, with a couple days hovering at around 70-71 F as a high. Of course, when we’re in Sacramento, the temperatures will be in the mid to high 80s, as expected. But it’s pretty annoying to think that we’re leaving a real summer in New York to a winter in San Francisco. I have always hated wearing layers, which is what is needed when you are in San Francisco.

Chris had panic bought all these cheap shorts and t-shirts for Kaia during her potty training intensive phase so that she would not ruin any of her nicer clothes. But with temperatures in the 60s, I’m thinking we may actually need to put her in real pants. And because we’ll only be at my parents’ house for the weekends, that means we won’t have easy access to laundry. So what I’m likely going to do is… pack literally every pair of pants that still fit her and hope for the damn best. And also take some of my parents’ laundry detergent in a small container for accidents for on-the-go-cleaning. What fun awaits!

The passing of my aunt in Vietnam

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My aunt, who was my mom’s only current living sibling, her older sister, passed away three days ago. She wasn’t feeling well, got hospitalized, and died from a stroke. My mom got a text message very early this morning and a call from one of her nephews, who informed her. Of course, my mom was completely distraught. She left Vietnam in 1971 during the Vietnam (American) War. She didn’t see her sister or any of her family until January 2008. That’s 37 years of not seeing your blood family. It was an emotional reunion, and one that was short lived since we only stayed there for about 2.5 weeks. My parents never went back to Vietnam after that visit. And so, that was the last time we saw my aunt.

It’s strange to call my mom’s sister my aunt because I didn’t really know her or anything about her until I went to Vietnam in 2008. My mom always said that her sister was why she had everything she had. My aunt was the one who helped her learn English when their mother refused to let my mom go to school, saying school was wasted on a girl, especially the youngest in the family. My aunt was the one who encouraged my mom to apply for the U.S. Army position, which eventually led to her meeting my dad at work. My aunt was the one who housed her in Quy Nhon while my mom worked. She was also the one who convinced my mom to reconsider the marriage proposal my dad had made, after my mom first rejected my dad, saying she couldn’t go to the U.S. and leave her family behind. My mom always said that she owed her life first to her sister, and then to my dad. When I first met her, she ran to me, cried, pulled me into her arms, and held me tightly. I held her back, but it felt strange since I knew nothing about her. I still remember how skinny, bony, and frail she was, yet her grip and hold were so strong. But I didn’t cry. I didn’t cry because I didn’t really know her. And given our mom never taught Ed and me Vietnamese, I could never communicate with her the whole time I was in Vietnam. My mom was the perpetual (and exhausted) translator.

I got food poisoning for the first only real time in my life on that trip to Vietnam in 2008. And I could see her worry; that’s one thing that she and my mom shared: constant worry about literally everything imaginable. My aunt made me ginger tea every day. She boiled me a special chicken broth. She took care of me like I was her own child. And all I could say back to her was, “cam on” (thank you) in my perfectly accented Vietnamese that only knew how to say just a handful of Vietnamese words. I guess my ear picked up my mom’s accent over all the years listening to her speak in her central Vietnamese accent, and I was told that even though I knew only a few words, I spoke them as though I was a native speaker.

I know my mom is hurting now. I am sure she feels deep regret for only having visited her sister once the entire time she’s been in the U.S. She probably regrets not sending her more money. I’m sure she’s full of complicated feelings and deep sadness now that her only living sibling is now gone. But on my side, I’m not sure what to do to help make her feel better. It’s a hard place to be when you want to help someone, but there’s literally nothing you can do to comfort them. Losing an aunt is a loss for me, too, given she is my blood-related aunt. But it’s such a distant loss that I don’t really feel anything, as sad as that may be. It’s like hearing that a friend’s friend passed. It’s sad, but there’s not much else there to feel.

Laser Excel V+ results, almost one week later

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The scabs have slowly but surely been flaking off my face. I’ve already passed the five-day mark of using the post-treatment skin regimen morning and night. I looked at my skin today and realized that yes, there actually has been quite a bit of positive change. I used to have all these tiny little black dots on my face, and after the scabs have fallen off, they’re completely out of sight now. There are still some tiny scabs left on my face, but given that so many have already come off and revealed new, un-pigmented skin, this seemed like a win. A large sun spot on the left side of my face by my eye had a scab that fully flaked off today, and it’s completely different than what it used to look like: it used to be quite raised, with tiny brown dots that had all accumulated together like little cells on a petri dish. Once this scab flaked off, lightly brown tinted skin was revealed. No raised skin was there anymore; the skin is completely smooth there. I took a look at photos of myself just a few weeks before, and that spot was noticeable from a distance, and not anymore! The esthetician and my referring friend told me the spots would continue to lighten in the next week, so I’m keeping an eye on them. It will be interesting to see how much more it lightens at this rate.

Unfortunately, given the skin on my neck is a lot more delicate, most of the tiny scabs have remained and have been slower to flake off. But I figure in another week, they should flake off fine on their own. I’m pretty impressed so far with just one laser Excel V+ treatment, as I had my hopes high when my friend said that she did one treatment, and she was told after that her skin responded so well to it that it appeared as though she had two cycles of treatment already. I thought, I hope that’s me! If the scabs keep coming off and reveal new skin as it has been in the last day or so, I might get one more treatment and call it quits. It’s quite a pretty penny, but I feel good about this investment so far.

When it takes six hours to go outside to the playground

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Kaia spent most of today wanting to poop. Well, she would have pooped easily if we had just given her a diaper to wear, but we’ve been pretty strict about the “no diaper” situation since we officially started the Oh Crap! method last Saturday. She needs to learn to do all pee and poop in the potty. She’s been scared to poop on the potty, though, and we’ve been struggling to make her see that it’s a good thing. We’ve read her multiple potty and poop books. I’ve squished out slime from my hand and showed her that’s what poop is like when it comes out of her butt. I’ve asked her if she wants Peter Rabbit to poop on the potty. We’ve given her endless toys and things to play with while sitting on the potty. She just can’t wrap her head around it. She did poop in the potty a few times, with a large one on Friday night when Chris coaxed her; that was the real win after struggling literally all day long at school. It doesn’t matter if it’s her little potty, on her travel potty seat at home, on her travel potty seat outside at a public rest room. She is terrified of the feeling of letting her poop go.

So while I prepared nine different components of homemade bibimbap today, Chris basically chased her around the apartment, coaxing her to get on the potty and get her poop out. Because a little poop would always come out, there was endless wiping, endless little pellets, or what the Oh Crap! support group calls “Hershey kisses,” and endless sanitizing and cleaning of any surface where said Hershey kisses landed. My baby’s poor little bottom is getting the equivalent of a diaper rash. My Kaia has never had a real diaper rash before other than some tiny red dots after about four weeks at daycare in her first class. She has no idea what this uncomfortable, sore feeling is like. I was hoping we could take her to the playground in the morning, but we couldn’t let her go without pooping.

She finally pooped today, in her little potty, at around 4pm. So we had about an hour to go to the playground and let her run around before dinner. Somehow, that poop was not enough. More is still coming!! She still had some “skidmarks” on her butt that we had to clean, both on her and on her shorts. I wasn’t quite sure how I imagined potty training would go. But I did think that poop would be a struggle since most kids struggle with this. I just didn’t realize that the “accidents” I would mostly be cleaning up would be little pellets, smears, indicating that poop is slowly but surely inching its way out.

We’ve managed to survive just over a week of potty training now. The pee has been relatively good. But I think we really need her to a) get comfortable pooping on the potty, and b) be adaptable to different toilets and her travel potty seat. We’re traveling very soon with her, so this whole potty training timing is a bit nerve wracking.

More crappy service at food establishments

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Today was our first day leaving the house with an un-diapered Kaia, excluding going to school, of course. It was a bit nerve racking because it’s only been a week since we started really potty training, and she’s never used a toilet in a public bathroom. So, we sucked it up and brought our travel potty seat to place on top of a public toilet (yuck, I know) to see if she’d embrace it. And… how, she did not.

She screamed and cried when I tried to put her on top of the seat in a public restroom in the West Village today. We tried again at another public restroom at Murray’s Cheese, and she still refused to pee, even though she said she wanted to pee. In the end, she held her pee in for the entire 5+ hours we were out to finally pee in her little potty when we got home. That is good discipline, but I need her to be comfortable using public restrooms that are 1) not her little potty and 2) not at home.

She finally fell asleep while we walked further south to SoHo in search of something quick and easy to eat. I looked at my Google Maps bookmarks list and saw that Rice Kitchen was a spot I recently added to the list of easy-take out to try. It had made-to-order Korean-style rice bowls and kimbap. I ordered the black sesame tuna kimbap and the bulgogi rice bowl with kimchi aioli on top. As soon as I walked in, though, and saw the cashier, I just had a weird feeling. She gave me a strange, unwelcoming look as I approached the counter, and after I said I’d like the tuna kimbap, and as I was mid-sentence about to order a second item, she cut me off, spun the screen around so I could pay, and told me the total cost of what I’d have to pay. I wrinkled my brow, paused, and told her I wasn’t done. She didn’t apologize, turned the screen back to her, sighed, and said, “Okay, what else would you like?” She didn’t bother asking me if I wanted a drink or anything else after the first kimbap order was made clear, or even after I ordered another main. She seemed like a ditzy worker who couldn’t even be bothered actually being hospitable, and I was not pleased at all with the service. Even when I popped my head in to see if my order was ready, she simply shook her head and said, “No, not ready yet.”

I don’t know if I’m just getting older, but this crappy service always annoys me and rubs me the wrong way, especially when a stupid screen gets flipped my way and I’m asked to tip at least 25% — for what? For ringing up an order and glazing her eyes over at me when she isn’t happy I haven’t ordered fast and efficiently enough?

When dining out in Manhattan is actually good post-pandemic

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Since the pandemic year of 2020, we really haven’t done much dining out in Manhattan at multiple dollar sign places. And a number of times when we have, it’s always been a bit of a disappointment: the food is priced higher than you’d be comfortable with, “suggested” tips start at 25-30%, service really misses its mark, and the whole experience just feels rushed and underwhelming. Even for mid-priced food when dining out, it’s almost impossible to have a meal with multiple dishes and a drink for less than $50 per person in Manhattan unless you’re going to a total hole-in-the-wall. I especially get frustrated at the declining service levels in restaurants. Servers have not known what dishes are when we ask for a clearer description, they have specials, but they don’t know what the specials are before they come to our table, or they just seem clueless in general and are clearly there just to pick up a paycheck and leave. Then, there are the servers who constantly hover over your table when you’re clearly in a deep conversation and keep interrupting to see if you need anything else. I read that as a cue that no, they don’t want to actually see if we need anything else, but they want us to rush through our meal so that they can turn over the table and get another party seated (who can, in the end, increase revenue for the restaurant and increase their own tips). It doesn’t make me feel welcome to sit down and eat, and it certainly should not merit an “industry standard” of a 20-percent tip. That feels like a sense of entitlement when they haven’t even done the work to merit that tip.

So, I was pleasantly surprised when my friend and I went to eat at Frena tonight before our Lincoln Center show. Frena replaced Taboon after had to close due to a fire, and the owner completely gut-renovated the place, complete with a big open oven at the front. We each ordered a drink, had three appetizers, a salad, and two mains, and I am shocked to say that literally every single dish and drink we ordered was spectacular, full of flavor and even surprises. This is almost *never* the case at fancier, more expensive restaurants like Frena. There’s always at least one dish that kind of makes you think, really? That was fine, but not great. But luckily for us, that was not the case here. The bread, which came with the three dips we ordered, was made fresh in the open oven, and it was mouth wateringly good. Plus, the service felt warm and welcoming. The server clearly knew the menu and the specials inside and out, and not for a minute did I ever feel like he was hovering over us and just wanting to turn over our table for the next party of 2.

Most of the good restaurants we go to now are outside of Manhattan, where for whatever reason, the service seems to be warmer and more genuine, and where the food is less pretentious and stands on its own. But Frena was not part of the Manhattan dining stereotype I’ve developed in my head over the last couple of years: it actually was worth every penny we spent based on food quality, service, and ambiance. And it’s so close to home, too!

Poop and pee on the brain constantly while potty training

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Jamie Glowacki says in her book Oh Crap! Potty Training that you will know you are done potty training when you no longer constantly have poop and pee on your mind. I am not sure when that time will come, but I know that when it does, it will be quite a relief. We are now six days into this, and I feel exhausted. Every time I see updates in the school app for Kaia, I immediately want to know if she did a poop or pee in the potty or had an accident. When we are at home, I am consistently prompting her to pee. She has also been holding in poop since Tuesday, so I know the fear of pooping in the potty is looming quite large.

Because we wanted all potty training done together, daytime and night, I’ve been co-sleeping with Kaia since Saturday. This is to a) make it easier to gently wake her up and prompt her to get on the potty to pee, and b) to prevent her from coming to our bed in the middle of the night, which would inevitably result in us having to strip the bed due to pee on our sheets (toddlers cannot be faulted for peeing in their sleep; they are not conscious while asleep and so, it’s up to us to help teach them to train themselves to hold pee while asleep). The night time gauging / estimating when she will need to pee has been pretty terrible to begin with, as Jamie warns. I’ve checked her and prompted her maybe 30 minutes before or after she needed to pee the previous four nights. I always missed the window (so close!!!) and she had already peed on the hospital waterproof sheet. A few times, she got on the potty in the middle of the night, either because I prompted her or she did it herself, but no pee came. I wasn’t sure how much longer I could go with this co-sleeping and nighttime prompting. But finally on night 5, last night, I got the first pee timing right: she had fallen asleep just past 8pm. At around midnight, she stirred, and I saw an opening to ask if she wanted to pee. She said yes, and immediately hopped off the bed, sat on the potty, and did a nice, long pee. I was overjoyed when I saw the trickle! I quickly wiped her, cleaned up, and had her go back to sleep. Then, I did a little happy dance: I finally had a nighttime win on the FIFTH night – within WEEK ONE!

This morning, I took her to school. It is very clear that all this potty training has made sure pee and poop are top of mind for her, as well. Along the walk, she was eager to point out all the dog poop on the ground. “Look! There’s poop! Is it a doggie poop?” she’d ask. I confirmed that yes, it was dog poop, and that she should not step on it or touch it because it’s yucky. Then, she’d respond, “Ewww, that’s dog poop! Not Kaia’s poop!”

Laser treatment: the first major cosmetic indulgence I’ve ever done

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In the last year, I’ve noticed the increase in freckles and sun spots on my face. Three have been on my face for probably the last three years, but they have not only gotten bigger, but darker. Some people look at these like they are beauty marks; I just see them on my face as flaws that I hate. Every time I’d see my mom when I’d go home, she’d take my face in her hands and scrutinize my face to see what new spots had appeared or what had gotten bigger, and I’d get really annoyed; there really was no escaping her criticism whether it was around things I was doing or what was growing on my FACE. I still remember back in March 2016 when my makeup artist was airbrushing my face for my wedding, and the sun spot on my right cheek was quite faint, but definitely there. She airbrushed over it so that it was completely invisible. And I looked at myself and thought, wow! This looks good!!

So when I made a casual comment about being obsessive about wearing a hat in the sun now because I hate my sun spots, a friend took notice and suggested I get them removed. She had already had a lot removed all over her body at a specific medical spa in Manhattan that she highly recommended. She also said she had a referral discount to offer, and that the spa did package discounts when you did four or more treatments. Since she’d had personal experience, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to do a free consult. I did this back in June right before we left for South America. The esthetician gave me some suggestions on treatments, and since I wanted to think it over given it would be a small fortune, one that I’d never, ever thought I’d spend on something cosmetic for myself, as it just seemed too indulgent, I had a custom facial instead, which I thoroughly enjoyed.

After noodling it over, I finally decided to try one laser (Excel V+) treatment. I had it done yesterday, and it was an interesting experience. On target spots, it felt like very tiny pricks on the specific areas. And on the entire face and neck area, it felt like a very hot beam of light being blown lightly all over the general area. My esthetician gave me calming and cooling treatments, finished off my face with SPF 45, gave me information on what to expect the next few days, and sent me home with a post-procedure skincare kit to rejuvenate my skin and protect my moisture barrier.

As expected and as the esthetician had discussed, my face and neck were quite red after, and the target spots were starting to darken within just a few hours. They’re all supposed to darken even more for the next 2-3 days until they crust over and fall off. Then, the spots are supposed to get lighter, and some may even fully disappear in the next week or so. It typically takes more than one treatment to completely eliminate these spots, especially since they took ages to grow and accumulate (that’s Asian melanin for you). Of course, I was hoping I’d only have to do one treatment to see significant or total change. But we’ll see in about a week or so how lucky I am… or not.

This is, by far, the most indulgent thing I’ve ever spent money on myself for. I hesitated on it for a long time before committing to a single appointment. But I figured – I’m in my 39th year of life. I’m only getting older and will get more wrinkles, white hair, and health issues. I might as well give myself this small indulgence now while I’m still semi-young and enjoy how I look while it lasts! Plus, my peers are spending tons of money on their regular gel and acrylic manicures, constant hair treatments, and $200-400 monthly facials, so…. why not do this for me?