When you have a baby or toddler crawling/running around, there’s really no such thing as “boundaries.” Your space is their space, and their space is your space. Literally everything is shared, whether it’s your breasts (assuming you’re breastfeeding) or your time on the toilet.

In the last couple of months, Kaia has been expressing intrigue over the toilet, especially when she sees me go. To encourage her curiosity, I always let her come into the bathroom with me when I have to use the toilet, and I explain the steps of using the toilet. The other day, though, she suddenly insisted that I go poop. She dragged me over to the toilet, lifted the toilet lid, pointed into the toilet, and demanded, “Mummy, poop! Poop!”

I told her that that’s not how it works; I didn’t actually have to go. Kaia got really upset and kept insisting that I go poop. I told her “no” repeatedly. Finally, when she realized that I definitely wasn’t going to poop in the toilet, she once again splayed her body all over the bathroom floor and cried.

Welp, I wasn’t expecting that — a tantrum because mommy refused to go poop on demand. Interesting toddler moments, and another one to remind her of when she’s older.

This weekend, Chris finally took Kaia’s new floor mattress/bed out of the box and let it poof up. On Saturday, she slept on it for the first time. And last night, I slept with her on the bed. I’ve been staying with her at night, at least partially, to encourage her to sleep in her own bed. Like last year, when we returned from Australia, she just wanted to sleep with us and hated being by herself. So at some point during the night, especially now that she can walk and open doors, she would creep back into our bedroom and plop herself onto her bed. Most of the time, she wouldn’t cry or whine; she’d just quietly make her way back, sliding back to our room in her sleep sack and all. Last year, she cried because she was trapped in her crib and had no way of getting out. She also couldn’t walk back then. It’s crazy how times have changed. Now, she is mobile and goes pretty much everywhere she wants. We’ve even had to bolt the front door to ensure she doesn’t escape the apartment.

We’re hoping that after a few more nights, I can sneak out of her bedroom and have her sleep alone. While I tried this a few times last week, she somehow managed, for a few nights, to sneak her way back in shortly after I left. Toddlers are more all knowing than we want to admit; even when they appear to be fast asleep, they always have at least half an eye on us. Sneaky, sneaky!

On Friday night, it was a bit brutal putting Kaia to sleep. After reading half a dozen books, she still refused to go to bed. One and a half hours later, she still refused to sleep and just wanted to sit up and read, read, read. After a while, I just took all her books away, turned off the light, and laid there. She proceeded to “take a break” while sitting with her stuffed animals on her toddler bed (where she NEVER sleeps), and she started talking to each of them, one by one. There’s Winnie the Pooh, Marilyn the pink birthday bear, Henry the rabbit, and a kangaroo (still nameless). This is how the conversation goes, with her playing both herself and each of the stuffies:

Kaia: Pooh! Pooh! Time to sleep!

Kaia (as Pooh): No! No, I don’t wanna!

Kaia: You have to sleep! Lie down! Lie down right now!

Kaia (as Pooh): No, no, no! I take a break!

Kaia: Marilyn, time to sleep!

Kaia (as Marilyn): No, I don’t like it!

Kaia: Lie down right now! (pushes Marilyn down into a lying position)

Kaia: Henry! You wanna read?

Kaia (as Henry): No, no, no! I don’t wanna!

It was extremely adorable to watch and listen to this role play. I found it hilarious that she was bossing each of them around, probably like how she hears Chris and me boss her around, and she still wanted them to “take a break.” It’s hard being a toddler: you rarely have choices, and someone’s always forcing you to do stuff on their schedule, not yours. But it’s all a part of growing up. One day, she will be able to make her own decisions… and that will be its own level of craziness to me.

This morning, I was enjoying a hot cup of Hong Kong milk tea that I’d made for Chris and me when Kaia came up to me and kept peering into my steaming cup. Usually, she knows when I am drinking tea and says, “mummy tea,” but this time, she said, “Want some? Want some tea?” I’m trying to keep her away from caffeine for as long as possible, so I told her that this was mummy’s tea and that Kaia couldn’t have any. She proceeded to have a bit of a tantrum and yelled that she still wanted some, but I told her that instead, she could have water or milk (this didn’t go over very well). She continued her tantrum but then suddenly quieted down and stopped. She then went to the corner of the room, laid down on the floor with her butt sticking up high in the sky, and said, “Wanna take a break. Take a break.” She laid there quietly for some time, and we just observed her and quietly chuckled.

I’m guessing, based on how I’ve seen her teacher at school interact with the kids, that this is how her teacher helps the kids regulate their emotions. She manages their tantrums and “big feelings” with suggesting to “take a break” from the world and just be one with one’s feelings, quietly moving away from everyone and being by oneself. Kaia’s already done this a number of times just this Saturday, and it actually seems to be self-calming. After she gets up from her face-down position on the floor, wherever she is, she seems to go back to her usual happy self.

Well, I can get behind this. Regulating emotions is a huge part of toddlerhood, so if this helps her navigate her big feelings, then I am all for it (and also, all for less tantrums, especially screaming high pitched ones!).

This evening, Kaia had a decent dinner, and oddly, she rejected any fruit we offered her at the end. She didn’t want blueberries or mandarins that we suggested. So we cleaned her up and let her play a bit before bedtime. As I was washing some dishes at the sink, Kaia kept pointing at the fruit bowl on the counter, specifically calling out the bananas on it. “Banana! Banana!” she yelled a few times.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to give it to her. The last several times she asked to eat a banana and I opened them for her, she refused to take even a single bite. But this time, I decided to just hand her the banana whole and see what she would do. Well, one minute later, she had bitten through the banana peel into the flesh and was chewing away at the entire fruit. A fat bite of the peel was sitting on my kitchen floor, and she happily chomped away at the whole banana, completely unaware of how strange this behavior actually was.

Well, I guess that was a sign that she really did want to eat the banana. So I went ahead and peeled it and let her eat it, holding the banana from the base peel. In the end, it was quite miraculous: she’d actually eaten about 90 percent of the entire banana, which was a decent size. She left me about one bite that she didn’t want anymore and handed it back.

This reminded me of the time about one year ago when she was a young toddler/big baby, and she asked for a mandarin, but I was multitasking and trying to get something else cleaned. So I had handed her the mandarin whole and asked her to wait until I finished cleaning something on the counter. Two minutes later, she had chewed through the mandarin skin and gotten to the segments. I took a picture of the fruit looking totally mauled, like it was attacked by an animal. It would serve as a way to remember how cute my baby was when she didn’t want to wait for me to peel her fruit.

Even when you aren’t aware, babies and toddlers are constantly taking in all the information around them, from your words (in whatever language) to your facial expressions to your actions. These tiny humans really are little sponges. That’s why as their parents, it is our job to try to do as much as possible to teach them, whether it’s with language or through our actions. They will do as we do, not do as we say, as every parent so wisely knows. Today, we all had the day off as it was President’s Day, and we went out for ramen in the neighborhood and went to a playground afterwards with Kaia. At the ramen shop, as Kaia was getting reunited with her beloved noodles once again, I asked her what these were while Chris started swinging them in the air from his chopsticks. Instead of responding in English with noodles, she let out a little giggle and grinned, exclaiming, “Mian! Mian!” She was saying noodles in Chinese. My heart almost burst.

Even when I don’t think she’s paying attention or listening to me, she actually is. And it’s in these moments when it’s evident. It reminded me of the time when I was patting her dry after a bath on the bathroom floor while she wiggled around on top of her towel, and out of nowhere, she started singing the “Lao Shu Ai Da Mi / Mouse Love Big Rice” Mandarin song chorus that I realized she was always listening when I was singing to her. She sang it with the right tune and almost all the right words. She was really paying attention and taking it all in.

She also has her very affectionate moments after refusing hugs and kisses when I ask for them, whether in English or Chinese. While I was stir frying sugar snap peas with king oyster mushrooms this late afternoon, she came over and insisted that I hold her up because she wanted to see the stove action. I held her up to see, and she said she wanted some snap peas and mushrooms. When I tried to put her down to scoop out the stir-fry from the pan, she insisted I hold and hug her as she nestled her face into my neck. I couldn’t help but think it was so sweet, so I stopped what I was doing and just sat with her on the kitchen floor, hugging her close. These are the moments, I thought. I have to embrace them while I can because one day, they will be no more, as she will be all grown up and running away from me.

Since I was young, I’ve been flossing nightly quite religiously. Even in my twenties, when I would come home after drunk nights out, I’d still somehow manage to brush AND floss my teeth before passing out in my bed. My mom constantly told Ed and me that we had to take care of our teeth: we only had one set of teeth (well, after elementary school, that is), so we had to take good care of them. Otherwise, we were in for a lot of very painful (and horribly expensive) work like she had to endure, as she had zero dental care growing up poor in Central Vietnam until she moved to the United States.

I hope to instill the importance of taking care of one’s teeth in Kaia, but also explain the “why” behind all of the “you have to” statements. For example: don’t brush too hard, otherwise your gums will wear away and won’t grow back! Rinse your mouth after eating fruit/citrus, otherwise your enamel will wear away and you’ll have sensitive teeth (like your mom; UGH). Brush your teeth every day, twice a day, to prevent plague and gum disease! No one ever warned me growing up that if gums wore away, they wouldn’t grow back. No one was probably even aware that something healthy like an orange could actually erode your enamel back then. So now, I’m paying the consequences…

The cute thing is that since her crawling days, Kaia has always expressed fascination with flossing. Each evening before reading to her and putting her to bed, I’d wash my face and floss. She’d watch me intently and get really excited when the floss would come out. Occasionally when she was a baby, she’d try to reach for the floss, so I’d give her a clean piece and watch her carefully to make sure she didn’t swallow it. We once had an incident where she watched me toss my used floss into the trash. When I turned away, she quickly went into the trash, retrieved it in near stealth-mode, and started chewing on it. That was a very not-fun and disgusting moment.

Now that she’s older, when she knows that I’m flossing, she will eagerly run into the bathroom in the evening when I am there and ask to “floss with mummy.” So while I floss now each evening, I will give her a short piece of clean floss, and we’ll “floss” together. I will sit down on the edge of the bathtub and floss with her so she can see what I’m doing with the floss in my mouth, and then she will give me a big grin and say, “Wanna sit with mummy” while flossing. Then, she’ll stand so that she’s right between my legs, and we’ll continue our mommy-daughter flossing activity together. Granted, while I am actually flossing, I know she just has the floss in her mouth and is chewing on and licking it, but at least she knows that this is a nightly, regular ritual. And hopefully, this is one ritual she will do properly when she is a little older and needs to floss. At the very end of the activity, I will tell her I’m all done, and I’ll throw my used floss in the trash. I will ask her if she’s all done, and when she is, she will also throw her used floss in the trash, as well. These are the sweet moments of watching my Kaia Pookie baby grow up — the moments most people don’t really talk about, but we all relish.

While at the Central Park Zoo with Kaia’s friend Jacob and his parents on Sunday, we were exchanging notes and laughs about all the interesting things that we’ve learned as parents to a young toddler… like how smart they get very quickly regarding how to escape certain situations, whether that’s hair brushing or getting into a stroller when they don’t want to. Jacob’s parents were trying to put him in his stroller, and he didn’t want to get in. So on top of yelling and crying to indicate he didn’t want to, he also did the infamous backwards back bend/back arch that we all detest; Kaia does this when she wants to walk and refuses the stroller, and also when I am trying to comb her hair and she doesn’t want to (does she ever…?!). We all called it out and laughed at it at the same time because we were all too familiar with that back bend move.

Of course, it’s cute, and it’s a way that our toddlers are showing us that they are have strong opinions that may not always align with ours. But it’s nevertheless extremely frustrating in the moment and made even more infuriating when it’s in public, where everyone is watching your defiant child and you battling said defiant child. But, I suppose it’s something that in some way we should be happy about. Children shouldn’t always be obedient all the time; they should have opinions and different perspectives, and they should want to assert themselves even when their parents don’t want them to. As my friend said, “Our kids aren’t guai guai (Chinese for “good/obedient) like we were when we were their age.” But she also noted something else that’s true: we don’t really run our households like our parents did, and we aren’t parenting with the notion of instilling fear in our kids, nor do we want to. We’ve seen and felt the negative ramifications of that for sure.