Category Archives: Love

Getting ready for baby’s bedtime

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Kaia’s last feed of the day is at 8pm now. Chris feeds and burps her, and then he hands her off to me so that I can sing and rock her to sleep. Occasionally, she needs my boob as a “finisher” before she falls asleep. Since I don’t nurse her a lot anymore unless it’s to soothe or calm her, I look forward to this quiet evening time when it’s just the two of us in the bedroom together.

The last few nights, I’ve felt sad… sad that I know I’ll have to go back to work in less than a month, sad that the last four months have flown by so quickly, sad that she’s growing so fast right before my eyes and that all these little quiet moments with her will soon become a distant memory, only able to be revisited via videos and photos that I take. I hold her tight before putting her down in her bassinet each night and remind her how much I love her. I whisper in her little ear that mommy and daddy love her so, so much. I’m happy to see her growing and now actually starting to outgrow her 0-3 month clothes, but sad that it feels like she’s just growing too fast. Sometimes, I just want to freeze time and savor this moment of her, right here and now. My baby is just growing so fast, too fast.

When six pumps a day becomes five

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Today is my fourth day doing five pumps a day, and I really wasn’t expecting to be reducing it down to five pumps a day this soon. My original goal was to get down to five pumps a day before I went back to work, with my sixth pump dropped from the middle of the night, ultimately allowing me to sleep at least 6 to 7 hours straight at night. I know there would have been no way for me to survive working full-time while also caring for my baby without a full night’s sleep, and so this was what I decided to do for myself.  Given that my supply actually went up when I went down to six pumps per day from seven, I decided to start weaning myself sooner rather than later off of my sixth pump. And after about a week and a half, I cut that sixth pump out. I was scared initially, particularly about getting yet another milk clog, but I made sure to take extra sunflower lecithin pills as well as massage my breasts thoroughly as soon as I woke up, as per the recommendation from my Cleo lactation consultant. And so far, so good. My supply has remained a similar, and if anything, it has actually increased slightly.

I feel really good at five pumps per day now. I hope to be doing this now until at least 7 to 8 months postpartum. My original goal was six months, but given how balanced I feel right now and how less overwhelmed I feel with pumping at five pumps per day, I think I can keep this up for longer. I hope I can be giving my baby breastmilk until she is one year old. I am anticipating my supply dropping once my period comes back as it does with most breastfeeding moms, but that’s okay. I have made peace with all of that.

I actually felt a little bit sad as I dropped my sixth pump, as strange as that sounds. You would think that given I had such a love-hate relationship with pumping that I would be really excited every single time I dropped another pump. But instead, it actually made me feel a little bit empty and emotional. Because as I continue to drop pumps, I will get closer and closer to the stage when my baby no longer needs breastmilk and will be eating solids 100 percent. And what this actually means is that she will be less reliant on me. There is an inner joy and comfort that I feel knowing that my body is producing food for my baby to eat. I am providing her with essential nutrients and more. And to know that eventually, this journey will come to an end makes me a little bit sad; her reliance on my body for food will eventually come to an end. One day, she is not going to need me to comfort her by having her suckle on my boob. One day, she is not going to need me to carry her around anymore. One day, she is not really going to want to bury her face in my chest or be soothed simply from the sound of my voice speaking or singing. All of these moments are going to come to an end at some point. It’s a little sad to think about it that way. All of these little moments that I love and cherish are eventually going to end.

Every day, as she gets older, she will be a little bit less reliant on me. Now, she has very good neck strength and needs just a little bit of neck support. Next, she will no longer need us to carry her around because she will be able to walk. Then, she will be able to talk. And eventually, she will be going around the city on her own and doing her own thing. She will gradually become more and more independent and less dependent on us as her parents. And this is all a journey. This is all part of raising a child and giving life. There is a time for everything, and each of those times eventually ends. I just want to sit in each of these moments a little bit longer and cherish it because it really does all go way too fast. I still can’t even believe this is her sixteenth week of life. It all just passes us by too quickly.

One year anniversary of the embryo transfer

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Today marks one year since I had my frozen embryo transfer. That tiny little embryo, that little bundle of cells that were expanding, ended up being a little baby that I gave birth to in December and now call my sweet baby Kaia. I got the photo memory on my phone this morning, and I smiled to myself while looking at it at the gym. I had a lot of hope and a lot of fear that morning when I went into the clinic for my transfer. During the transfer, per my request, they played Lady Gaga songs to inspire me. And when I went home that night, Chris and my friend who was staying with us at the time tried to send good vibes and declared me “pupo”: pregnant until proven otherwise. And so for the next week and a half, I was just that: I was Pupo. And about a week in, I started feeling a strange warmth almost like a light fire creeping up on my hips. And that was when I suspected that the embryo transfer was successful, that I was actually pregnant. And nine days after the transfer happened, I went into the clinic for my very first beta , and at just before noon that day, the nurse called with the good news that I was four weeks pregnant. I was so happy and so shocked that I immediately got choked up and started crying. It felt like an eternity – trying to get pregnant, constantly failing, going to the clinic constantly for endless appointments and endless blood tests and endless uterine scans … And finally this one bit of good news was more than I could handle.

The photo of me that came up on my phone was of me on the evening after the embryo transfer. I have a photo that the clinic gave me of my embryo and expanding as you can clearly see in the picture. I have it placed right at my belly and I’m smiling in the photo. When I took that photo, I wasn’t sure what would come next. I wasn’t sure if I would continue to get good news in the upcoming appointments. Every time I went to the bathroom, I was terrified that I was going to see blood , which would indicate that I’d had a miscarriage. It took me a really long time to not get nervous going to the bathroom. But eventually, my nerves were calmed, and I started getting more comfortable with being pregnant. It’s amazing to think how quickly time flies because those scary and uncertain times feel like they were just yesterday.

 And now today, I am still on maternity leave caring for my sweet baby. Every day, I look at her constantly obviously, and I never forget how much uncertainty and fear I had during this journey in conceiving and giving birth to her. I never for a second forget how scary that process was, and I never take for granted what I have; I know I am extremely lucky. There are endless women out there who are trying to get pregnant and not able to, and they would love to have just one chance to conceive successfully.  I feel for them every day. I know their pain intimately. So even when my baby is screaming and crying because of her pre-teething pain, even when it has made me sad that she has not been successful at eating directly from my boob, even when she blows out yet another diaper and I have to pre-soak more of her onesies, even when I get pissed at my pumping schedule, and even when Chris and I are disagreeing and arguing about something baby related, I remember that what I have today is truly a blessing, a gift for which I will forever be grateful. My baby is truly the center of my world, and there is nothing else that I am more grateful for in this life than her. Sometimes I look at her, and I think, fuck everything else. She is literally everything to me and nothing else matters. My sweet little Kaia jam.

Donating IVF medications

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When I look back, I always feel extremely grateful and lucky that I only had to do one IVF cycle to have Kaia. Through all of the IVF support groups, Instagram handles, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances I know who have gone through and are currently going through IVF, I know that I am not the rule: I am the exception when it comes to a successful IVF journey. Every single day, when I look at Kaia‘s face, I am so grateful that I have her because I know others are nowhere as lucky as I have been. Even though I only had one embryo that made it, that one embryo is now my healthy baby. And for that, I am beyond blessed. I read real stories of people’s endless IVF cycles, failed transfers, zero embryos that made it through genetic testing, and sometimes, I have broken down and cried. All these people want to do is start a family or expand their family. It’s not like they are asking for much, but given the environmental factors that we are facing in a very polluted world now, our eggs and sperm have collectively been compromised. And so, some of us face more challenges than others when it comes to conceiving and carrying babies to term. And because I can relate to that pain, as there were many moments in the last two years when I wondered if I would ever have my own biological child, I wanted to be able to help others in some small way.

I knew I had a lot of IVF medication left over from my single cycle last year. I was also fortunate from a financial standpoint and that I had Chris’s amazing health insurance that paid for the vast majority of the IVF costs. The total raw cost of all of the medication that I got was likely around $15-18K. What did I pay? Only about $300 out-of-pocket. When I looked at my remaining medication that would be expiring in the second half of this year, I realized that I had about $7000 of medication that was still sealed, brand new, and never used. This would completely go to waste if I just left it in my closet. It’s illegal to resell medication, and so that never even crossed my mind for a second… Even though I am sure that people would have bought it from me, and I could’ve made a decent amount of money. For me, to resell IVF medication feels very wrong, to play on the hearts and minds of those who are the most vulnerable. And so, in the one private IVF support group that I have continue to stay in on Facebook, I posted that I would be giving the medications away for free to anyone who would be willing to pick them up from my apartment here in New York. I asked for them to follow the honor code and only request the medication if they were a self pay patient. Of course, I got a lot of responses. Some of the people who responded lived as far away as Pennsylvania and Chicago. They were willing to either come here or have a friend or relative pick it up from me who is local. All of them asked if there was any way for them to repay me. I told them I did not want to accept any money… But if they really wanted to give me something in return, then I would appreciate something sweet, maybe ice cream.

Well, these women were very grateful and thoughtful, as well. They all asked me about what flavors of ice cream I liked and what brands, and so I rattled off a short list of flavors as well as brands that I liked. And now, after having given away all of my medication to three different self-pay IVF patients in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and New York, we now have over seven different types of ice cream that are sitting in the back of our freezer. We have Häagen-Dazs, Malai Ice Cream, Tollhouse ice cream sandwiches, and Adirondack Creamery. Is the value the same as value of the medication? Of course it isn’t. But none of that really matters to me. When I heard their brief stories of their own IVF journeys, my heart just broke. All of them have done multiple IVF cycles. One was on her fourth IVF cycle. Two of out of three of them have paid completely out of pocket… Just for the mere chance of having a baby. I have not forgotten the pain and suffering that I went through when going through the exact same process as they did. So I hope this little bit that I have done will help give them some hope for the future and help with the expenses.

My growing baby

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Being a parent, as I can personally attest to now, is most certainly a full-time job, and not a 9-to-5 job but a true 24–7 job. It is the most exhausting thing I have ever done in my entire life, but now, I finally understand why parents say that it is also the most rewarding thing that you can do. As Kaia has gotten older and now that she is over 13 weeks old, she is getting more and more attentive, active, and playful. Watching her develop every single day brings me the greatest joy. It’s almost like I can feel my heart is being squeezed. She does the most quirky and cheeky things: sometimes, when I am swaddling her, she farts and I exclaim in response, she gives me a huge grin, as though she knows that what she did is stinky and silly.  Every time she smiles when I smile, my heart melts just a little bit. And last night, when I was bottle feeding her before putting her down to bed, out of nowhere, she reached her hand out to hold my pinky finger and let it stay there the entire time. And I just thought that was the cutest thing ever.

 Lately, she has been cooing and babbling nonstop during certain periods of the day when she is very awake. She particularly loves it when I am singing to her. I have captured her cooing and babbling many times, but she seems to be picking up on the fact that I am recording her on my phone. In the last two days, when I put my phone up to record her babbling and squawking, as soon as she sees my phone, she immediately stops talking. It’s as if she is saying in response, “Get that rectangle thing out of my face and let me be!“

 I suppose that is also another reminder to me that I don’t necessarily need to record and capture every single thing that she does on photo or video, but I really should be more in the moment and just enjoy her for the time and the moment itself. But I really do love sharing these photos and videos with her grandparents and some of my friends who truly adore her and look at her like a niece. At the same time, though, I want to document her growth and development. I want to be able to share these photos and videos with her when she gets older. When I was young, I always loved it when my family showed me photos and videos of me when I was a baby. Because even though I could not remember that time clearly, it was still fun to see me, myself, at a younger age. It was also fun to be able to see how others, like my cousins and brother, interacted with me as a baby. It’s almost like you are making memories of something that you don’t actually have a memory of for your child. And I really like that.

12 weeks old

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“Why do you always kiss her every time you pick her up?” Chris asked me the other day. “You are smothering her!”

I told my night nurse and my friend this the other night when Chris was away at a hotel in his Covid bubble. My night nurse laughed and rolled her eyes. She responded, “She is your baby. You can kiss her however much you would like. There is no such thing as kissing your baby too much!!“

It’s true. I kiss Kaia every single time I pick her up. I tell her she’s my sweet baby as I give her multiple kisses, rock her, and hold her close to me. She’s my life’s greatest gift. Every time I look at her and hold her, I thank God for my sweet baby after all the trials and tribulations I went through to conceive of and give birth to her. I also remember that so many other families have spent longer periods of time trying to conceive and still have not succeeded, and I really feel for them. Not everyone is as lucky and blessed as I am. And with that, I always kiss my baby to remind myself and her of our good fortune.

Today, my baby turned 12 weeks old. It’s cliché, but I really cannot believe how quickly time flies. It feels like it was just yesterday when I had the most excruciating pain of my life being in labor with her, pushing her out of my body, and taking her tiny little self home in a huge car seat from the hospital. This time last year, I was mentally and physically getting ready for my embryo transfer with the one embryo that made it, the little embryo that could, as I liked to call her. While I had hoped and dreamed that this time this year, I would be able to have her in my arms, it has been surreal to think that this actually became my reality.

Motherhood has been full of ups and downs, but mostly ups. I have been blessed with a tiny little human who is a great eater and sleeper, who has easy-to-read signs and is slowly but surely showing bits of her personality. The biggest down, of course, has been pumping milk around the clock for her, as it has definitely tested my mental toughness as well as my physical ability in terms of keeping my nipples comfortable, but I see it as a temporary mother’s sacrifice for my sweet baby. I look forward to her every smile and hearing her laugh, as well as seeing all her other upcoming developmental milestones. But I love even just the little things: smelling her, rubbing my nose against hers, listening to her little grunts and squeals as she stirs before waking up, watching her sleep (she has the cutest little smiles while sleeping… not to mention her tiny night terrors). I love her more than words can express.

Baby’s first skill: sticking out her tongue

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Our new morning routine has been to sit with baby Kaia in her Baby Bjorn bouncy chair and talk, sing, and play with her. Sometimes, I will read to her or show her “high contrast black and white images” courtesy of Lovevery. And of course, I am doing all this while I am pumping. She loves making eye contact, and she has been increasingly more observant not only of my facial expressions, but also her surroundings. Whenever I sing or talk to her, it’s almost like she’s studying what I am saying and trying to make sense of it. She coos and makes all kinds of babble sounds in response.

I read that babies as early as six weeks old can mimic what their parents do, whether that is facial expressions or motions with hands. But today, our baby, for the very first time, mimicked me sticking out her tongue. I had been doing it to her for a few days now to see if she would catch on, and she finally did it today… and I got it on camera! She did it multiple times, and I just got so excited. I felt so, so proud. It seems a bit funny to think about exactly how happy and proud I was, but I really was. It feels so good to see that she is responsive to us and is just taking us all in, little by little. I almost melted into a puddle and just wanted to eat her cute, chubby face then and there. My little, sweet, smart baby. I just love her to no end.

Baby development

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What they say is true: your baby’s “firsts”are always extremely exciting and heartwarming. Our baby is quickly approaching two months old, and it is amazing to think how time has flown since I gave birth to her. Her latest developments, other than being able to turn her head both ways, whether facing up or on her tummy, are being able to smile a little bit and mimic what we do. She absolutely hates tummy time and refuses to lift her head much, but she is able to turn her head both ways, which is promising. However, despite the fact that she does not like to lift her head during tummy time, she is more than happy to do it while getting barbed. I think that is a sign of her early stubbornness…  That she has likely gotten from her father. I am quickly approaching two months of leave, which reminds me that I only have about two months left. It breaks my heart a little bit to know that I’m not going to be able to spend all day watching all of her little expressions and developments at every moment, but this is the life of motherhood: always feeling torn that you are not always, always there for your child at every moment. I do not want to be a helicopter mom, but I do want to be able to revel in the joys of my baby’s development at every stage.  Even though she is literally making baby steps now in her development, I am truly loving every moment.

My first birthday as a mama 

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Today, I turned 36. It is my first birthday as a mother, and although I hoped to become a mother earlier than this age, I would not have anything different if I had to do it over again. Being 35 and pregnant was a great experience for me. People often times say that as you get older, life events like pregnancy and childbirth become harder. A friend of mine gave birth at 34 and said that she lamented having her first child that late because she spoke with women who had given birth in their late 20s and early 30s who bounced back far quicker than she did. Well, I had a very smooth, complication-free pregnancy despite having to go through IVF from age 34 into 35, and I had a quick recovery from birth all things being equal. Well, my pelvic floor is still not 100%, but then again, it’s only been just over four weeks, so I still have more time that I need to heal.

Every time I look at my baby, I am beyond grateful that she is here and healthy. She is just over one month old, and when I look back at photos of her from this time last month, I cannot believe how quickly she has grown and how much her little face has changed in such a short span of time. Every day, she changes just a little bit. And every day, I cannot believe that I am this lucky to have her here. I love her more than anything else on earth.

There were many times in the last year or two when I wondered if I would ever even become a mother. Perhaps it wasn’t in the cards for me, I thought. Maybe I didn’t deserve to be a mother. There was a lot of uncertainty, a lot of fear, and a lot of tears, but we are finally here and our baby is with us. 

And so, even though today is full of a lot of the same routine, with feeding, burping, pumping, and dealing with spit ups, I have never been happier or more fulfilled. Every day since her safe and healthy arrival, I have given thanks for her existence in my life. This is, indeed, a very happy 36th birthday for me.

Favorite time of the day

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It’s day five of family leave for me, and as hard as it’s been coping with little sleep, I have never felt happier or more fulfilled. My favorite time of day is when it’s the three of us in bed in the mid morning, after Chris and I have both showered and we’re sitting up with baby Kaia, with her doing skin to skin on one of our chests. I keep looking at her and looking at her lying on top of Chris’s chest, and I just still cannot believe she is here with us and that I’m no longer pregnant. These moments make me so happy; I’ve even cried just standing there, admiring our little family in bed together. She seems to be a morning person, as she seems the most awake and interactive in the mornings despite being a newborn. I could probably spend all day just staring at her and breastfeeding her and be totally content, despite the fact that I have postpartum pain and am totally sleep deprived. Nothing is better than admiring our new little family to me right now.