Chris’s parents are elated over our engagement. According to Chris’s mum herself, she says that they are so happy, “bursting at the seams,” and are ready and waiting to help in whatever way they can. It’s the most heart-warming feeling to know that I have in-laws that care and love so deeply that they cannot help but share all of their happy thoughts and desires with us about what they can do to help with wedding planning.

Yesterday, she e-mailed me to ask if I could share two specific photos with her of Chris and me. One is from Portland when we went to visit a beautiful waterfall at the Columbia River Gorge, and another one is of the two of us very recently when we were in Pennsylvania and visited Frank Lloyd Wright’s Fallingwater private residence. I wondered for a bit what she could be using these photos for, and then it dawned on me that she is probably sharing photos of the two of us to their 500 or so Indian relatives all over the world, particularly to those who have not seen Chris for some time and who have no idea I exist or what I look like. I wonder if they will wonder how Chris ended up with an Asian? And then, maybe they will wonder if I will wear a sari at the wedding? That actually isn’t a bad idea and excited one of my friends today, as it was her suggestion to make my wedding “unforgettable.” Well, obviously, this friend is not Indian. 🙂

We left Arizona this afternoon and had to come back to gloomy, rainy New York, which is still keeping spring at bay for us. I am still obsessing over how gorgeous it is in Arizona and how even more excited I am to see the rest of the American Southwest. There are endless scenic trails to hike, red rocks everywhere, and cactus that grow up to 100 feet tall here. We were lucky during this trip and saw a rattlesnake, a hare, a lizard, and a running deer. Whenever people scoff and say that there’s nothing to see in the United States outside of places like L.A, San Francisco, New York, or Chicago, this crazy fury comes over me. I’ve been to all of those places and more, and I still feel like I have so much left to see of this beautiful country. Arizona is the 31st state I’ve visited, but in just 2.5 days, I actually barely saw any of it. It was like a quick flirtation that had to come to an abrupt end. It’s sad to think that most Americans, who are already the least traveled people on earth, wouldn’t even appreciate the varied beauty of their own country that they call home.

Every time I visit home, I can expect that my dear mom, because she loves me so much, will try to pack as much food and gifts as possible that will fit into my luggage and carry-on bag. Some of this stuff would be packaged and thus easy to pack, liked green tea or dried shiitake mushrooms, but others are actually for immediate consumption – grape tomatoes, avocados, oranges, and even takeout dim sum (this time, it was six ha gow, six siu mai, four zhong, four cha siu bao, and three lao po bing). I’m probably the only passenger who ever gets on an SFO > JFK flight with that much fresh food in their carry-on backpack. In reference to the cha siu bao or zhong, my mom says, “It’s better made here!” Or in reference to the avocados or oranges, she exclaims, “they’re cheaper in San Francisco than in New York!” That’s how much my mom loves me. She wants me to constantly eat to my heart’s content, especially when she is not there to feed me.

So the oddest thing I brought back this time around was a bottle of Endless Youth Beautiful Skin Complex daily multivitamins. No, my mom was not duped into buying these; they were actually mistakenly delivered to one of my dad’s rental properties along with some Wen hair products, so my mom took them home and decided to keep some, give some to her friends, and then give me the bottle of vitamins. While having all the usual vitamins that a regular multivitamin is supposed to have, it also claims to have “healthy skin support.” So before I decided to start taking them, Chris has me look them up, and apparently when Googled, you find this under “rip off reports,” for giving you a free sample bottle in exchange for signing up for a monthly supply, and then making it nearly impossible for you to unsubscribe. I guess it’s not a very honest business.

I had dinner with a friend and her husband tonight, along with their adorable baby, who I think of in my head as my adopted niece, partly because Ed isn’t around and will never give me any nephews and nieces, and also partly because my cousins and I are not really close enough for me to warrant spoiling their kids. We sat at the table, discussing life, death, and everything in between.

I told them that it doesn’t feel like Ed really passed; it feels like he is still around. When I am in our family’s house, it’s like he’s sitting at the table with me or in the other room, or just about to get home from work or karate or picking up some produce. My friend’s husband said, it’s because he still is there. Perhaps the way that we define “existence” is in the physical form, but who is to say that he doesn’t still exist? He is living in another way.

Maybe I feel him even more strongly now because he is no longer of the form that you and I know, but he has entered another type of existence where I can feel him even deeper, and he can feel me more, as well. And maybe because of this, I feel even closer to him, almost like we are always together because in mind, we really are connected.

Maybe all of the above is true. But either way, I still can’t help but miss him in this flesh and blood form of which I am aware. Maybe my missing him is selfish because he has left a life of pain and suffering and entered a cosmos of sorts where suffering ceases to exist. If I genuinely love him, I can’t possibly want him to suffer anymore. I need to keep reminding myself that he is in a happier place and form of existence than before. Otherwise, I will never truly find peace.

It’s my first Sunday night by myself. I can’t even remember the last time I have spent a Sunday night alone. Chris left this afternoon for a work trip, and so I am left to my own devices to keep myself entertained. I made an Indian dal (lentil) dish, roasted brussel sprouts with shallots and balsamic vinegar, and Korean purple rice. I worked on Valentine’s Day cards even though I don’t know who I am giving these to (I’m not feeling very generous this year). I did some cleaning and reorganizing, and also caught up on some personal e-mail. I also watched a movie a friend recommended that I didn’t like. I’m going to finish reading The English Patient tonight and maybe catch up on The Economist.

It’s weird to think of simple things like Sunday nights with your spouse. Chris and I just spend every Sunday night at home for the most part and have a homemade meal. We listen to his podcast. He might do laundry. But now that he is not here, I find myself feeling very strange because this is not what I am used to. I am in the home we share, but I feel slightly out of my element. This is what it’s like to miss your spouse when you know you won’t be going to bed together, and is a reminder to not take people for granted, not that I was doing that.

Today marks the new lunar year, the year of the horse. 新年快樂! I’ve already made taro cake (wu tou gao) in anticipation of the new year, and this weekend, I am planning to make nian gao, or New Year’s cake, to continue the celebration. There’s nothing better for Chinese New Year than enjoying all the traditional foods that my grandma used to make to ring in the new year.

I started reading about Chinese astrology and what is supposed to characterize each birth year, as well as love compatibility. I am an Ox (a lot of people mistakenly think I am a Tiger because of my birth year, but since I am a January baby, I am technically at the tail end of the year of the Ox on the lunar calendar). Chris is a Rooster, and as luck would have it, the Ox and the Rooster are actually a ‘strong match.’ We are supposed to have similar temperaments and values in life, as well as have complementary differences. According to the astrology site I was reading, the Rooster needs the “calm” that the Ox provides to have a harmonious home and love life. That’s definitely true of us.

I don’t normally care at all about “luck” or superstitions or astrology, but it is nice to read these things and see that there are forces out there that “approve” of my choices, and that the future looks auspicious for us together. It makes me smile.

Someone in my Facebook feed shared this article today that reminded me of Ed. It’s called “9 Ways Brothers Protect their Sisters.” This article doesn’t really paint Ed as the brother he was to me fully, but there are some elements that definitely resemble him.

He always gave his opinion on what I was wearing – “Isn’t that a little short?” or “That color looks awful on you!” and “I need to buy you new clothes.” He actually did buy me some new clothes at one point while working at Macy’s. He didn’t like that I just wore those free over-sized volunteer shirts I got from events where I worked for free, or those shirts that people gave as generic souvenirs when coming back from vacation; he said I needed to have comfortable, good looking pajamas that I actually liked to wear and sleep in. So he got me two sets that I actually really like to this day. I still have and wear three of those pieces. Even when they get worn out, I’m still never going to get rid of them.

He also wanted to assert his older brother-ness on me by giving me advice on things like how it’s against God to have sex before marriage (sorry, Ed), and how girls’ minds work one way while guys’ minds work in a completely different way, so I shouldn’t just think that because I may like a guy, he would feel the exact same way about me. Even though I would roll my eyes at him or tell him I knew what I was doing at the time, I actually remember a lot of these conversations fondly now and smile thinking about them. I need to hold onto these memories before they may slip away. I can’t believe it’s been over six months now.