I am marrying a marketing and data geek. My baby is a data geek. He loves looking at data and numbers, and he hates it when people make anecdotal conclusions (well, unless they are his own, of course) unless they are backed up by numbers. Today, he pulled the entire history of my Twitter account and did a comparison of my Tweets before we began our relationship versus after. To be fair, I actually started Tweeting more after we got together because he loves Twitter and convinced me on how useful and fun it was. The comparison he did pulled out the most reoccurring themes/words that were used across posts.

Before Chris, some reoccurring words in my Tweets were “work,” “Thanksgiving,” “yum,” and “free.” After Chris, some of the most common words in my Tweets have been “love,” “surprise,” “homemade,” “happy,”and “Christmas.” So now, I indicate that I’m happy and that I love things more. Of course, the surprises are all his, since Chris loves to surprise me (but he doesn’t like them for himself… ever). I talk about Christmas more than Thanksgiving now because in a life with him, Christmas is always celebrated and loved in his family, whereas in my own, it was neglected unless Ed was there. Life has certainly changed since he’s been in the picture. My life has more surprises, unexpected fun, travel, and simply love.

Oh, and another word that has come up a bit in a world with Chris — “Bart.” That’s not necessarily a good thing because it’s indicative of the absence of Ed from my life now, but it shows a new phase of my life without him… and I guess the glimmer of hope that I still have the capacity to have a happy life despite losing my big brother the way I did.

I’m considering getting an ao dai, a traditional Vietnamese dress, made for our welcome dinner before our wedding next year. I’ve always imagined myself having a traditional western white dress and a Chinese qi pao, but I realized that would be slighting my mother, who is Vietnamese, which obviously makes me half Vietnamese. My mom’s always felt like her race was lesser since moving to the U.S. Her mother-in-law, my grandmother, thought that Vietnamese people were like the dirt of the earth and was so disappointed that my dad decided not to marry a Chinese girl and instead chose the filth that was my mother. My mother quickly learned English and Toisan, as useless of a language as it is, in order to communicate with her mother-in-law. She never taught Ed or me Vietnamese because my grandmother forbade it. And I think at some point, my mother actually believed after all my grandmother’s brainwashing that it was a useless language to learn, that Vietnamese culture didn’t matter as much as Chinese culture, and that we would grow up not knowing much about Vietnam other than the food.

I don’t want to contribute to the view that Vietnamese culture is less, though. I want my mom to know I’m proud to have her as my mother (as crazy as she drives me), that I’m happy that she has passed down this incredible culture to me. So I’d like to show it in the form of dress for the wedding period. I talked to her about it today, and she was so surprised. She said, “You want to wear an ao dai? But that is so old looking. It’s not stylish today.” I reminded her that I’m half Vietnamese, remember? She laughed and said, “Okay, if you want to, you can as long as it makes you happy. Just don’t spend too much money on it! You can get it for cheap in San Jose!” Always the practical one, my mom.

I continued my scanning insanity today and decided that today was the last day I’d be scanning anything on this trip. As I’m inspecting the photos I scanned to ensure that I didn’t cut anything off, I notice one photo in particular where our cousin, Ed, and I are posing with a candle-lit birthday cake downstairs in our dining room. I can’t be any older than 3-4, which means Ed must be around 10-11. I notice Ed’s desk in the background, with piles of books, papers, and likely school assignments awaiting him. And in the back of his desk, I see a tiny pink photo frame with a little picture inside. I zoom in on the photo on my screen, and I realized that the photo is actually of me, just a month or so after I was born. The photo is right under a picture he taped to the wall of a baseball player I cannot identify.

This immediately made my eyes fill with tears. I had an image in my head of my big brother, studying his grammar or history or doing his math drills, taking quick breaks to glance over at his admired baseball player and also of his little sister, who continued to annoy him to death with her screaming and crying throughout the day and night. I don’t think there’s anyone else I know who has a brother with a bigger heart than his.

I planned to spend just an hour or so scanning old family and friends photos tonight, but I became almost maniacal about it and spent over four hours going through and scanning pictures. I thought, I’m just going to take my favorite photos of Ed and me and scan those. Well, I guess almost all of our childhood photos have managed to become my “favorites,” and I became overwhelmed with how many of them gave me warm and fuzzy feelings that I ended up going a bit overboard.

All of our photos together when we were little are my favorites. Even before he passed away, whenever I’d come home, I’d always take a look at our childhood photos for at least a few minutes, just to try to remember a time when I knew Ed was genuinely happy. They are the biggest collection of photos of my brother smiling before the world broke him.

But one of my absolute favorite photos of just my brother, before I was even born, is this photo of him standing in front of Spreckles Lake in Golden Gate Park, with a remote-controlled car in front of him. His hands are holding the remote, and he has the most endearing smile on his little face. His eyes are big and wide, naive to all the pain that the world is going to offer him in his young life. Every time I look at that photo, I can feel my stomach unsettling, and my heart feels so hurt. When I see that photo, I think, “Damnit, why is this world so screwed up that it had to steal away your love of life and pure innocence?” I ended up using that photo in his funeral program.

I’ve become obsessive over his baby photos. I’ve scanned a great number of them tonight, and it’s been taking a long time given the way this old computer is configured. I don’t know what it is with me and these photos. When I come home, and I see that he’s no longer here and his clothing and papers and writing are no where to be seen, I feel like I have nothing left of him. The only things I have left are Bart and his baby photos, and that’s really it. I want to take whatever I can get.

Despite living away from home for over 10 years now, I’ve never had the pleasure of giving my parents a surprise visit home. Just once, I’ve wanted to secretly fly home and call them from outside their front door and say, “Guess where I am?” And tonight — mission accomplished.

I was sitting in an Uber X car going down 280 and chatting away with my driver, who is talking about what assholes most cab drivers are and how Uber and Lyft drivers aren’t like that. He asks me what I’m here in San Francisco for, and I said, work and visiting my parents… But they don’t know I’m coming to their house now. He laughs and says, wow, you’re such a sweet daughter. And then he gets to listen to me call my mother when we are just two minutes away from their house.

“Guess where I am?” I said.

“Where? You’re still not home?” My mom said, sounding tired. I can hear Vietnamese music in the background.

“I’m coming home now!” I exclaimed.

My mom is clearly confused, and she isn’t sure what I mean. “What do you mean?”

“I’m coming off of 19th avenue and I’ll be at home in two minutes!” I said.

“WHAT? Are you CRAZY?” Now she sounds half excited, half exasperated. “Why didn’t you ask your dad to pick you up? What kind of crazy driver is taking you here?”

I told her an Uber driver picked me up and I’m almost at the house. She then says she has to tell my dad now and we hang up.

I rang the doorbell and they let me in. My mom has the biggest smile on her face, and my dad is laughing. “Yvonne, you know there’s this thing called ‘advance notice’?”

“Well, if I did that, then this wouldn’t be a surprise anymore, would it?” I said.

“I’m so happy that you’re here, but don’t you ever do this again!” My mom said while grabbing me to hug me. “How was I supposed to know who this strange male driver was and what he could have done to you or where he would have taken you?!”

Most things will never change.

It’s officially 2015 as of today, which means that we have another year of a long list of things we need to accomplish.

I spent some time reviewing the list of goals I made last year, and I have to say that I actually made better progress than I had originally thought. Some goals will be on an ongoing basis, but many will be new and focused on propelling life forward and trying to be a better version of me.

I read an interesting quote from a wedding site article the other day (this rarely happens since most of the articles rarely say anything deep or thought-provoking). It talked about the dangers of marriage in terms of thinking that post-marriage, you can change the person you are marrying. It said that a fine line exists between trying to change someone and inspiring that person to change. For the former, the change is for yourself; for the latter, that change is for himself, you, and the rest of the world. It’s a change that improves overall life.

I think that’s one of the things that makes Chris and my relationship so great. We’re very focused on making sure that the other is the best person s/he can be, and it doesn’t come from a selfish place; it comes from a place of wanting an overall better life together and individually. A lot of the changes I’ve noticed in myself and in him in the last three years have been prompted and constantly encouraged by the other. Not everyone is as lucky as we are in our relationship, and we are very blessed to have this type of love.

When I think about this, I think — this is what I want conveyed at our wedding. It’s not just about wearing a white dress or cutting a cake with flowers on it or having a banh mi truck; it will be about showing everyone the profound connection we share. I love my baby.

A few days after we arrived in Melbourne this year, Chris’s Nana called his dad and said she wanted the family to come over for a “blessing” of our engagement. It was originally just going to be immediate family, but Chris extended the invite to his cousins, aunts, and uncles. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I just thought there might be a Bible reading or two, a prayer, and maybe some dessert at the end. Little did I know that a reading would be done by Chris’s mother, followed by a blessing prayer from both of Chris’s grandmothers with my head being held in their hands, and subsequently a blessing from Chris’s dad and his two uncles on his head.

“I know that Christopher proposed, and Yvonne accepted, but an engagement is only real when with the family,” Nana said, as she commenced the event.

In their prayers, they blessed our union and wished us hope and love for our life together. They said a number of words that made me immediately feel overwhelmed. This is what it means to be accepted into this family… Everyone will be praying for our life together? And everyone accepts me as one of them? And I get to have my head held by both of his grandmothers? That day, I thought about Ed and what he would have thought if he had witnessed the event. I’d imagine he’d be so proud to think that his sister was being accepted into a Christian family, where real love and care actually exist without any strings or senseless, conditional expectations attached. I can’t imagine my brother having a prouder moment than this one.

I haven’t converted or gotten baptized or started going regularly to a Christian church, but so far, I think this would make Ed as happy as he could be.

It’s been just over six months since we got engaged, and we’re finally starting to look at venues for our upcoming wedding in 2016. If it’s in Melbourne, it will need to be sometime in the first half of 2016, and if it’s in Southern California, it will need to be between May-August of 2016. Most venues tend to book out one year in advance, so if we decide on Melbourne, we will need to lock down our venue fairly soon. The stressful part about this is that our days are severely numbered here, and if worse comes to worse, we will need to have a proxy (most likely in the form of one of Chris’s parents or aunt and uncle) to visit places for us and send us numerous photos at many angles so we can decide if a place is fitting for us. I’ve just started booking appointments for site inspections and to discuss ideas with wedding coordinators at venues in the Mornington Peninsula and Dandenongs.

What is interesting so far in this research phase is that not all of the venues I’ve looked at require that you use their internal food services; if you wanted to hire outside catering, a number of places are accommodating around this. The prices also seem a bit lower than what I have seen back home, especially when you factor in that these prices are inclusive of tax and gratuity, and even more so when we consider that the U.S. dollar is very strong in Australia now.

I’m not sure if this means we should be adding in more things that I’ve dreamed of for our wedding or just sticking with what is basic. Now I feel conflicted and need to think more about what I want for us thematically. An ice cream truck sounds amazing, but so does a large table with a decorated dessert buffet, and a chocolate fountain, and a themed and colorful candy table. Needless to say, our guests will not leave feeling like they didn’t get their fill of food and dessert.

Dear Ed,

Merry Christmas! It’s the second Christmas since you’ve left us. Christmas will always be one of those bittersweet times for me each year because I know how much you’ve always loved it – everything from the Christmas trees and ornaments, to the giving of presents, to even Santa Claus and Christmas movies on television. You were always so generous every year, giving far more than you ever received. I’m sure a lot of us took you for granted. We all just expected to get high quality pillows and bed sheets and blankets from you. I honestly wish you weren’t so generous because maybe then, you wouldn’t have been so disappointed about other people and their lack of thought when giving you gifts.

It’s also Chris’s 33^rd birthday this Christmas, Ed. He’s now the same age as you were when you left us in July 2013. Thirty-three years on this earth. It’s a number that will always be ingrained in my mind because once you reached that age, you never got any older, and you never will now. Even when you were that age, you barely had any white hairs or even a hint of a wrinkle on your face. It just added to your childlike innocence and naiveté in this world.

I stood around Chris’s family today, observing and listening and participating in all the loudness and insanity that has been there the last three Christmases I have been in Melbourne with them. Sometimes throughout the day, it’s as though I don’t hear all the calamity around me, and I drift off into my own thoughts which almost always include you. You probably would have been a bit awkward to be around them, but I know for a fact you would have enjoyed yourself. You would have enjoyed and loved being a part of an extended family that not only embraced Christmas, but tried to extend it for as many days as possible.

Every day, I’m learning to accept life without you as one of us. Some days, it’s easier than others, but around Christmas time, your birth date, and your death date, it’s always the worst. The void you have left becomes more pronounced, but then I am reminded of all the things in life that you were deprived of that made me angry for you.

It would have been amazing to take you to be a part of these Christmas gatherings and to involve you in our wedding planning. Can you believe that your little sister is going to get married and is actually planning her wedding? I can’t even believe it myself. It’s like the reality I hoped for but never really thought about realistically. I am thinking about ways to incorporate you into the wedding and reception. Some ideas are cheesy, some are a bit morbid, but all are filled with how much I love and miss you. Happy Christmas from Chris and me. We haven’t forgotten about you. And we never will.

Love,

Yvonne

Today, Chris’s parents threw us the long-awaited engagement party they’d been discussing for the last few months. His mom insisted that they host a celebration since it’s not like something this big happens every day (it always seems to amaze me when people insist on celebrating events like this, since it seems that the opposite is encouraged in my family.. particularly since occasions like this involve planning and logistics, and thus would be considered “work,” also known as “suffering” for some). She and Chris’s dad took care of everything, from the fancy and large mousse and lemon curd dark chocolate brownie cake to the food catering to even the setup and the photography. About 50 guests showed up, including, family, more distant relatives, as well as Chris’s friends from high school and college. All we did was show up and arrange the food on the tables in the park.

Whenever I am in the presence of all of Chris’s people, I am always a bit overwhelmed with how warm and welcoming they are. I guess I should be used to it by now, but I feel like I am still waiting for the one person who will not be warm and happy to meet me, the person who may even be passive aggressive or grill me about every detail of my life that I may keep hidden from the wider family. Clearly I think this way based on my life experiences and the way my family is, but in some way, it could even be tainting my ability to truly just accept that others can be so accepting and genuine with me and not have some motive to find fault in who I am.

The other thing that surprised me about today was how many gifts we received. When Susan and Tony originally informed us that they’d like to host a party for us, I honestly was not even thinking about receiving or asking for gifts, yet we left the party not just with heaps of leftover sandwiches and cake, but also with boxes and boxes of gifts and greeting cards. It reminded me of the original reason I wouldn’t have wanted to throw an engagement party for myself – I hate the idea of engagement gifts and registries, particularly the expectation that simply because one is engaged that she should receive gifts. It’s the reason so many people hate weddings – the (sometimes) unspoken, constant expectation for material goods in the form of “gifts” – presents for engagement, then for bridal showers, potentially even for bachelorettes, and then of course for the wedding itself, and even honeymoon gifts!! I don’t want people to think we are hosting these events to hoard gifts or profit off of them. We honestly just want the time to celebrate and for me to meet friends I haven’t had the chance to meet. We appreciate the gifts, but we don’t really expect them in this case.