Given we are still living in a global pandemic, taking a progesterone pill three times a day via an applicator in my vagina really has been quite simple seven days a week. While I do need alarms set for morning, mid-afternoon, and bedtime to remind myself, when you are at home most of the time when these need to be “consumed,” it’s quite simple. I prefer to lay on my back and do them on the bed, but obviously, on Saturdays when we are out and about, that is not really possible. So like any other woman on her period, I just need to find a public restroom to insert them, similar to how you’d insert a tampon. Except me being my mom’s daughter, I have literally, not even once, ever used a tampon in my life (she has huge fears of dying from Toxic Shock Syndrome, and well, I figured a pad is just easier, especially since they are made so lightweight and thin nowadays).

It’s not always easy finding a public restroom though, especially when you are in neighborhoods like Crown Heights, which mostly have divey hole-in-the-wall takeout spots that don’t have public restrooms. I managed to ask a restaurant we didn’t even get food from if I could use theirs, and they agreed, but it was pretty clear they were not thrilled I was using their restroom without buying anything. I mean, when a pregnant woman has needs, she has needs, right?

I told my therapist the good news this morning during our regular scheduled session. She asked me how I was feeling, and I immediately burst into tears.

“I’m so excited, but I’m completely terrified at the same time,” I said to her. “I don’t want to get too excited because I’m so scared this is all going to be taken away from me tomorrow.”

She insisted to me that it was okay to be happy or to celebrate the small wins along the way. None of my reactions or feelings are abnormal, and given the long and painful road of infertility, we need to celebrate these little wins because…. what the hell else is there to celebrate or be happy about? It’s a normal dichotomy of feelings, she said. The important thing is that I learn what works best for me in terms of balancing those two opposing emotions so that it does not overrun my life.

I started doing pregnancy-focused yoga and meditation a few days ago. Some of the mantras that seem to be working for me are around trusting the universe a little more, and trusting my body to care and nourish my developing embryo.

“I am happy. I am healthy. My baby is coming to me.”

“I trust my body to care for my baby.”

Just one day at a time. Just one day at a time. Just one day at a time. I can do this. I can definitely do this.

Last night, I went on a rant to Chris and my friend.

“My body is supposed to be a baby making machine!” I yelled. “The female body was designed to be a baby making machine! Why do you think you get a period every month? Every single month, the female body releases an egg from one of its ovaries, and the egg is just flying out there, asking, ‘heyyyyy, sperm, where you at? Are you even there? Come save me! Be with me! Fertilize me!'”

The released egg is like a damsel in distress running or floating every single month out of one of your ovaries, wondering where the heck its prince charming is to come fertilize and save it. And then, when she is disappointed to find out that no prince charming/sperm is waiting for her, she then dissolves into nothing. (And if we had to get really scientific and specific about this, sometimes there ARE sperm / prince charmings waiting for it, but unfortunately they are too ugly (poor morphology) or too slow (poor motility) to even get considered by the egg or to penetrate the egg for fertilization). Your uterine lining is disappointed at this, with no embryo to attach to it, and thus it sheds each month, resulting in your monthly period, or a “visit from aunt flow.” That can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on what stage of life you are currently on.

I woke up this morning with a noticeable stiffness in my left wrist. I had to shake it out and stretch it a few times before it went away. While I do have cubital tunnel syndrome related problems, that affects the elbows and my fingers. I’ve never had any wrist problems. But I took that as a sign that perhaps, yes, I actually am pregnant (carpal-tunnel can be a temporary symptom of pregnancy. Isn’t that insane??). And I was going to find out shortly when I went in for my beta-HCG test. That’s why today is called Beta Day for women hoping to get pregnant.

My friend accompanied me to my 8:30am appointment to get my blood drawn. The earlier you go, the less you have to wait, so I was in and out of there in less than five minutes literally, which wasn’t enough time for my friend to get through her first news article of the day. We then went to have lunch at a popular spot along Central Park South and discussed life and a potential pregnancy over eggs, bacon, and popovers.

Just before noon, the nurse from the clinic called. I immediately jumped up to take the call into my bedroom. With my friend holding her ear close to the closed bedroom door, the nurse said, “So, I am calling with good news. You’re pregnant!”

I was in shock. I’ve been waiting for this moment for nearly two years now. My eyes immediately welled up and I blurted out, “OHMIGOD, ARE YOU FOR REAL?” She congratulated me and explained some of the levels that we’re looking for and will need to monitor, explained next steps and other things I need to watch out for, and said she’d send over instructions to me through the portal.

My friend embraced me and we cried together, still in shock at the good news, both terrified and excited at the same time. Chris came in and I told him. And him being him, he was even keeled and “smiled on the inside,” trying to temper my excitement since we had no idea if all of this would be taken away from us tomorrow.

I’m not throwing an implantation or embryo party. I’m not calling everyone I know and their mother to let them know I am pregnant. But this has been a long, miserable journey with very few highs. And with this one high after a long time of frustrations and disappointing news and periods, I finally feel like there actually may be hope for us finally growing our family now. I just need to take it one day at a time.

Well, today was the big day. I had my frozen embryo transfer around midday. I kept checking my phone this morning to make sure the clinic didn’t call me… because if they did, it would have been bad news. Two percent of embryos do not survive the thaw. Luckily, mine was okay.

When I checked in upon arrival at the clinic, the front desk assistant (my favorite) was there. She asked me what music I wanted played during the procedure. I thought I misheard her. “Did you just ask me what music I want played?” I asked her, confused. She smiled and confirmed I heard right. I told her I wanted Lady Gaga playing, so she went to set that up for me. That’s a nice touch.

While waiting to be called in, my favorite sonographer came out to greet and hug me. “Yvonne! GOOD LUCK TODAY! I’m rooting for you!” she said, embracing me. “I’m praying for you. You will do great.” I got a little teary eyed when she said this. I didn’t realize how much pent up emotion I had in myself until she said this to me. There are some really good humans who work at this clinic. She is one of them.

They make you come in with a semi-full bladder for this procedure, which happens in the operating room. The semi-full bladder helps them better visualize where to best place the embryo along the uterine lining. And of course, the doctor was running late with another patient. I was not super thrilled, lying on the table with my feet up in stir-ups. They even made me change into an operating room gown, booties, and a hair net given it’s a sterile environment. The room has a tiny window with a curtain that opens up into the embryology lab, where they hand over the embryo in a vial to the doctor to insert.

When the doctor finally arrived after the nurse buzzed him multiple times, I was pretty much ready to pee all over him (remember how I said above that there are some really good humans who work at this clinic? This doctor may or may not be on that list). Luckily for him and me, I have some level of self respect and did not pee on him, as I was able to hold it all in despite his being 25 minutes late. However, if I had peed on him, he definitely would have deserved it. During the procedure, they show you the embryo on the screen before they insert it. They even give you a picture of the embryo as a little souvenir of the event.

Once the transfer was complete, I rested for about five minutes on the table before getting dressed, checking out, and leaving. I also said a little prayer to myself, hoping this would be the very last time I’d leave the operating room here.

I went home, finished the work day, made and ate dinner, and rested and read in the evening. They told me to do nothing strenuous, no exercise other than walking, and no heavy lifting for today. I felt some little twinges and what felt like tightness or pressure down there throughout the day. I hope that’s a good sign of implantation. I can only hope now for the best.

In nine days, I return to the clinic for my b-HCG, progesterone, and TSH tests. The b-HCG is the test that detects the pregnancy hormone in your blood. Pleeeeease be positive.

Before starting fertility treatment, the idea of injecting myself with a needle was completely horrifying. I can barely look at the nurse when I have to get blood drawn at annual physicals or during gynecologist appointments. I’ve always turned away when they insert the needle into my vein and only look down when the needle has been taken out. Once I realized I was actually going to go through this journey, I realized I had to suck it up and deal with it. You have it so good, I thought to myself. I am a relatively young, healthy woman with no known illnesses, diseases, or conditions that would make me a bad candidate for this. I have generous health insurance coverage that actually covers the vast majority of these costs (and sadly, am also painfully cognizant of how few people have this luxury. I’ve read in many fertility support groups that some women, even those in the medical professions, have such poor coverage that they have taken up a part-time job at Starbucks once or twice a week *just* to get fertility coverage). I have a good AMH level (that’s the test that determines whether you have diminished ovarian reserve or not. In plain speak, that means I have a good quantity of eggs remaining in my ovaries). I also have normal hormone levels across the board. I should feel lucky, I told myself. So if the worst thing I have to do is self-administer injections, I got this! So many other women do this with zero medical background, so if they can do it, so can I, right?

I watched the videos for each medication at least 5 times. I read through the illustrated instructions a few times, also going through all the potential side effects I could experience so that I was well aware of what I could feel or experience. I mentally prepared myself for this. And oddly enough, it really wasn’t so bad. The first time, the second time, the 10th time… it all became relatively normal after the first prick. Occasionally I’d bruise a little. But this was all nowhere as awful as I imagined in my head. And lucky for me (again, I am counting my blessings here), the worst side effect I’ve felt was a little bruising as well as some tiny bloating post injection.

I’d read of some pretty awful side effects, from intense nausea, massive bloating, constant headaches, vomiting, and noticeable mood swings. I was really preparing myself for the worst. A few people who posted in groups I am in said they were crying nearly every single day during their shots. Some people truly had the worst experiences of their life using these medications. I was also concerned about medication mixing, but these pharmaceutical companies have dummy proofed these pretty well to the point that pretty much anyone could self-administer these shots after reading through the instructions. They have so many checks in place to make sure you DO NOT overdose and that you do NOT mess up.

When I called with a question for a nurse on one of the injection pens and she gave me the answer, I exclaimed immediately, “Wow! These things are incredible! They really are mistake-proofed, aren’t they?!” She laughed in response. “Well, that’s the first time I’ve ever heard anyone say that about these meds, but I’m happy you feel that way!”

This isn’t so awful, I kept telling myself. This isn’t so awful. I can do this. I’m getting through this, and I’m nearly done. And this will all be worth it in the end. I just need to keep meditating, keep calm, and keep positive thoughts. I’m going to get through this, and I’m going to have the successful outcome I want. I have the grit to get through this. I am mentally and physically tough enough for this.

Pleaaaaase. Please, be true.

For our end of year team event this year, my team and I broke into two groups and did a “prison break” virtual escape room. As someone who has done a real-life escape room four years in Little Rock, I really had no idea what this experience would be like, but our host and informant from the company we worked with did a really great job in facilitating, planting clues, and making this a fun and enjoyable event for all of us. And, I’ll definitely say this escape room experience was NOT easy at all. My group was able to escape with about six minutes to spare (you get 60 minutes).

It’s amazing how nimble companies like escape rooms have been in evolving with changing times and the pandemic. I’d definitely recommend this experience for a team building event. I feel like our team was extremely open and communicative. It was definitely a good way to “build the team.”

Since the pandemic began, Chris has been getting antsy about a lot of things. He’s upset that he cannot do work or personal travel. He’s not happy he is unable to see theater and comedy. He’s not enthused at all that he’s not able to travel back to Australia for his annual summer Christmas. And with international travel basically being blocked, his parents were unable to visit us this spring, which meant that his usual Aussie treats delivery did not happen as per schedule. The treats they intended to bring him have been sitting in their garage and and second refrigerator, waiting to be eaten by someone at some time.

One package after another, he sadly saw his Aussie treats stash being depleted. Arnott’s biscuits like Tim Tams and Teddy Bears? One by one, they were gone. Arnott’s Shapes? Oh, those were gone long ago. The All-Naturals Fruit Confectionary fruit snacks, made with real fruit and sugar, NO high fructose corn syrup in sight? Those are his favorites, and he lamented not having easy access to them as he plowed through one bag after the next. So of course, being resourceful, Chris found a solution to all his maddening snacking problems: He discovered Treats from Oz, the company that ships all these glorious treats around the world… as long as you are willing to pay for the high shipping costs. Because, as well all know, homesickness has no real cost, right? This company lovingly and carefully packs Aussie treats and even accepts requests for specific items when you have them (and Chris definitely had these to offer!). We had a box arrive today that was over 36 pounds, filled with everything from special flavors of Tim Tams, chocolate scotch fingers, all naturals fruit snacks, to even plum pudding and Lamington desserts!

This should satiate my Australian baby… at least, for now.

This past week, I was reading an article that discussed the best rated peanut butter brands in the U.S. Comments following the article mentioned a certain New England brand that I loved when I was in Boston: Teddie Peanut Butter. A former boyfriend got me hooked on this, as it was a local Massachusetts brand that seems to only distribute in the New England area, as I have yet to see it anywhere outside of a Massachusetts grocery store. Teddie is famous for making all natural peanut butter — in other words, no added oil or sugar. The only addition that IS allowed — salt! And if you ask me, that’s the only addition that is needed or should ever be added. Mainstream brands like Skippy and Jif, while temporarily satisfying, have extra palm or vegetable oil added to make it easier to spread the peanut butter, and the extra sugar is really, really unnecessary and borderline too sweet. Peanuts have a natural sweetness that comes out especially after you roast them, so why is there a need to make this glorious nutty spread even sweeter?! All peanut butter needs is a little savory balance from some salt, and then, it becomes pure magic. And I don’t know what makes these specific peanuts so good that they use…. I’ve tried other all-natural brands from Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s that are organic and have nothing else added to the peanuts other than salt, and for some reason, they just don’t compare to the special combination of Teddie peanuts and salt. This peanut butter has the perfect balance of sweetness and saltiness that just makes it peanut butter sent down from the peanut gods… if they exist.

I was telling my Boston-based colleague about how much I loved this peanut butter, and she so generously and graciously presented a brand new jar of Teddie organic all natural peanut butter (with salt) to me when she showed up at the office earlier this week. I was ecstatic — it was the biggest highlight of the entire week. And when we got notified we had to work from home beginning today due to COVID-19, the very first thing I thought about was... I left my Teddie’s in the office fridge.

So, naturally, I went to the office at midday today to retrieve it. I mean.. I had to, right? I hadn’t had this peanut butter since 2011! I told some colleagues that I did this… and they found the entire thing hysterical.

It certainly was not beyond me to do something like this, but hey… I travel for food. And what’s the worst that could seriously have happened, anyway?

As the 2010s decade comes to an end, many articles are being posted on a recap or reflection of the major events/milestones of the last ten years. On social media, influencers are posting summaries of their most popular posts or products they’ve advocated for, while Facebook and Instagram posts are about a highlight of each year of their life of this last decade, and what the biggest takeaways have been for them personally. 

My life today is quite different than what it was like in 2010. Today, I have a very different job at a very different company. My perspectives have changed on people and travel; I travel very differently (and much more often) than I did then. I have a life partner now who complements me and pushes me to be better and do more, and a slightly different attitude on life and the future in general. But at my core, I’m still the same person: just trying to find as much meaning (and as many laughs) as possible wherever I can find it and attempting to learn as much as I possibly can about things I think are important to the world. 

If a theme exists to the last decade of my life, I’d likely say that each year, it’s been an attempt to go out of my comfort zone and do something “different” for me. I used to think that being “comfortable” was good enough. I wasn’t much of a risk taker at all and became way too comfortable and used to doing things the way I always did them without realizing how bored I could actually get; it was as though my life was passing me by and I wasn’t discovering anything new. I spent too much time with people who didn’t have very strong opinions and didn’t have much conviction about anything, not to mention people I didn’t really care about because I was so concerned with being “nice” and accommodating to everyone. You are what you surround yourself with; if you choose to spend time with people who aren’t ambitious, you will likely become lazy and accomplish less. If you are around people who lack strong stances, you will likely become indifferent yourself. 

I started this decade with an older brother; I ended it with a dead one and a new big brother by marriage. Losing Ed was the biggest tragedy I’ve ever experienced in my life. It was the worst pain I’d ever known and the most powerless period of my life. His death forced me to reconsider so much, everything from work and career to the way I interact with my parents and wider family, to how I prioritize my life and goals. Experiencing this major loss also gave me better insight into the people in my life who truly cared vs. those who did not; as such, my circle of friends has gotten smaller, not to mention the circle I actually confide in regarding the most personal topics. I’m at peace with that today, though it can still be a struggle. I was never going to be the person with dozens of friends and a packed social calendar, nor did I ever want to be because for decades I have found that empty, superficial, and downright exhausting. Since high school, I realized I rather have a few really close friends I truly trust and can talk to as opposed to dozens of friends who just want to discuss celebrity gossip and someone to do activities from their “bucket list” with.  

Getting out of one’s “comfort zone” obviously varies quite widely depending on the person; my list is never going to be like yours or your friend’s or your friends’ friends. 

In addition, I hate confrontation – this is one of the worst things for me and makes me so uncomfortable. I get sick (literally, in my stomach) thinking about, leading up to it, doing it. But in the last decade, I’ve probably done the most confrontation I’ve ever done in my life, ranging from colleagues, my parents, relatives, friends. It is never fun, but sometimes, things that need to be said are never said, and problems continue to linger and boil over, and that’s just not healthy or right. I unfortunately in many cases need to continue being the bigger person, but if I am the reason that conflict ends, then I’ll be satisfied and relieved. If you want to think I am an aggressive person, that’s totally fine, but realize that this likely says more about you than it does about me because I am NOT an inherently aggressive person AT ALL. I just don’t like lingering problems, plus I hate bullshit. 

Over the last decade, I’ve realized that perceptions mean a LOT. Sometimes, it doesn’t matter what you do or how you evolve, but people’s perceptions of you will continue to stick just because they don’t want you to change, their minds are stuck on a certain time they interacted with you in a certain place, or they want to judge you by a particular interaction that was completely dated and should have been forgotten. That’s not necessarily something you can control, and that’s okay. Again, that says more about other people than me. 

The Mark Manson article on “the subtle art of not giving a fuck” really resonated with me this decade. Periodically, I re-read it to remind myself to stop worrying about things that are inconsequential to me and my well-being. 

In the next decade, I hope to expand my creative outlet with my YouTube channel and video shooting and editing, continue my meditation and yoga journey, and make sure that I am having meaningful conversations and confrontations when needed. I also hope to surround myself with more creative, opinionated people who can help me expand my own views. A motto I picked up through my Aaptiv fitness app that I keep repeating to myself is something I am trying to live by: if it doesn’t challenge you, then it won’t change you. 

I’ve learned a lot over the last ten years, and I hope to learn even more in the next ten. More fun and excitement await.