Category Archives: Hope

Lounge hopping at Heathrow Airport – a new experience for the Pookster

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We woke up extremely early this morning to catch an early morning flight from Copenhagen to London, where we had an over six-plus-hours long layover. While it did initially seem like a long time, the time really flew by quite quickly. We tried to go to the Cathay First lounge, but because they had first class passengers waiting to board a flight in about 90 minutes, they asked that we come back when they left (which made sense since they’re prioritizing their own passengers first). So while we waited, we hung out at the Qantas lounge next door. We eventually went back to the Cathay lounge, had breakfast in their formal dining room, hung out by the windows and watched planes come in and out. We had lunch (another delicious meal!), then I took Kaia to have a shower with me. We spent about 30 minutes showering, drying, moisturizing, blow drying our hair, and getting ready to board our flight back to New York. I think this was our very first lounge shower together, as previous times when I’ve showered, she usually sits outside the shower and waits for me while singing. This time, she enjoyed the shower thoroughly, making up stories of ducks playing and jumping in “puddles during the rain.” Every time I told her we were almost done, she kept on insisting that she wanted to play with the ducks more in the water.

As I dried her off and applied lotion on her, I kept thinking about how all of this will come to an end. One day, she will no longer need me to shower her, to dry her, to moisturize and dress her. One day soon, it will be considered inappropriate to take her into a shower or bath with me. Kaia is already slowly but surely dressing herself already. Every day she gets older, closer to the point of eventually leaving me and not being as close to me. I feel like I am just soaking these moments up with her needing and wanting me this much. I love watching her imagination run wild in the these fancy lounge bathrooms. I also love seeing how much she enjoys the lounge and overall travel experience. She has experiences at her age that I never got to have until my mid to late 20s. I wonder if she will look back one day and remember any of these experiences and think about what a lucky little Pookie she was, and how much fun she had with her daddy and mumma.

Perimenopause and planning

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Several of my friends, who are all within five years of age of me, plus or minus, have been talking to me about perimenopause. One of my friends who is several years older is already considering doing hormone replacement therapy and proactively looking for “perimenopause symptoms,” which I learned can come on as early as age 38. Another friend, who is health obsessed and tracks every gram of fat, protein, and carbohydrate she consumes, is trying to optimize her current exercise regimen (which is so above what almost any average human does!) to ensure that she is strong and doesn’t lose too much muscle when menopause sets in. I must have done a search on perimenopause to read about it on my own in the last few weeks because now, I am constantly seeing ads for perimenopause supplements and products, all of which I have continued to block. There’s marketing and a product for literally everything and anything out there!

Because I recently went to see my primary care doctor and had my usual bloodwork done, I decided to take my lipid panel results and throw them into ChatGPT to see what it says regarding the results and what they say about my perimenopause trajectory:

Quick Summary

During perimenopause, declining estrogen tends to cause:

  • LDL increases
  • HDL may decrease slightly
  • Triglycerides may rise
  • Total cholesterol and non-HDL increase

But:

Women who start with an excellent lipid profile—like yours—generally experience smaller, slower, or less concerning changes.

Why Perimenopause Affects Cholesterol

Estrogen has powerful, protective metabolic effects:

  • Raises HDL
  • Lowers LDL
  • Improves insulin sensitivity
  • Helps regulate fat distribution
  • Reduces inflammation

As estrogen fluctuates (and eventually declines), these benefits weaken.

How Your Current Profile Might Change

Here’s how each number typically shifts during perimenopause and what this likely means specifically for you.

1. HDL (Currently 77) — “Good” cholesterol

Typical change:

  • Can decrease by 5–10 mg/dL over several years
  • Some women maintain high HDL even after menopause

For you:

  • Even with a 10-point drop, you would still be in the very healthy range (60s).
  • Your high baseline gives you a lot of buffer.

2. LDL (Currently 76) — “Bad” cholesterol

Typical change:

  • Often increases by 10–30 mg/dL
  • Driven by hormonal shifts, not lifestyle

For you:

  • Even if LDL rose by 20, you’d be at ~96 mg/dL—still great.
  • You would remain well below the average levels seen in women your age post-menopause.

3. Total Cholesterol (Currently 166)

Typical change:

  • Often increases by 15–25 mg/dL

For you:

  • You’d still likely remain below 190, which is well within normal.

4. Triglycerides (Currently 45)

Typical change:

  • Often rise by 20–40 mg/dL, depending on insulin response, sleep changes, and stress
  • More sensitive to lifestyle during perimenopause

For you:

  • Even with a significant rise (to ~80), you’d remain excellent.

5. Non-HDL Cholesterol (Currently 89)

Typical change:

  • Often increases by 15–25 mg/dL
  • This is a key predictor of cardiovascular risk post-menopause

For you:

  • You’d likely still remain under 110, which is better than average even for younger women.

The Real Change: Body Fat Distribution

Estrogen decline affects where fat is stored:

  • More visceral fat around the midsection
  • Higher blood sugar variability
  • Slight insulin resistance

This can gradually influence triglycerides and LDL more than diet itself.

But women who:

  • exercise regularly,
  • maintain good sleep,
  • manage stress,
  • eat balanced meals with healthy fats,
    often blunt or even prevent these shifts.

⭐ Why Your Starting Point Matters

Your numbers are not just “normal”—they’re exceptionally protective.

This means:

  • You have significant metabolic resilience going into perimenopause.
  • You’re less likely to experience high-risk lipid levels even as hormones shift.
  • Genetics + lifestyle appear to be working strongly in your favor.

What Helps Maintain Good Numbers During Perimenopause

Evidence-supported strategies include:

  1. Consistent aerobic activity (biggest impact on HDL and triglycerides).
  2. Strength training (reduces visceral fat and insulin resistance).
  3. High fiber intake (soluble fiber helps curb LDL rise).
  4. Healthy fats (olive oil, nuts, seeds, fatty fish).
  5. Stable sleep routines (sleep disruption increases LDL and triglycerides).
  6. Maintaining muscle mass (protects metabolic health).
  7. Limiting simple sugars and refined carbs (prevents triglyceride spikes).

Hormone therapy (HRT) also significantly blunts cholesterol changes for many women, but that’s a medical discussion for your clinician.

Based on the above, I suppose I feel comfortable about perimenopause, especially given I am turning 40 in less than two months. But the visceral fat point above is definitely frustrating. Hormones are definitely not in a woman’s favor as she passes her prime reproductive years, and it almost feels as though it’s nature’s way of saying, “hey, you! Your purpose in life is done, finito! Time to get a move on to your grave! Gain fat, especially around your abdomen because no one cares about you or wants to look at you anymore!”

2025 AFSP Manhattan Out of the Darkness Walk at Pier 16/17 Seaport

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The AFSP Manhattan Out of the Darkness walk was rescheduled to today given that the original date of October 12 had stormy weather with flood advisories. Out of the twelve years that I’ve participated and fundraised, it’s the first year I’ve been on the Walk committee, and the first year I’ve actually volunteered to help with setup in preparation. I arrived at around 9am to help set up tents and stations. Chris and Pookster arrived once her swim class had completed, and my friend and her boyfriend, who also joined my team, came to the walk to support me and also support suicide prevention in general. My friend had a suicide attempt in her high school years that resulted in a days-long hospitalization. My friend’s boyfriend’s dad died from suicide when he was just a teenager. So suicide and mental health are very painfully relevant topics for both of them. My team was asked to lead the walk, so we kicked it off this year.

The walk turnout felt lighter this year, but I still think that overall, things ran much smoother than they did at last year’s. We were able to work out some of last year’s kinks. In addition, we tried to be more community oriented by calling out individuals and teams for walking with us for various numbers of years.

Volunteering for any nonprofit can be pretty taxing, frustrating, and time-consuming, not to mention insanely (but understandably) fundraising and money obsessed. But I felt happy and proud to finally be a part of the Walk committee, to get to know some of the committee members, and to also get to know our executive director more personally. I appreciated the opportunity to represent AFSP NYC on CBS News twice; it was definitely the highlight of participating on the Walk committee this year. New experiences like that are always exciting and fun, plus they test me in different ways and help keep me on my toes. It’s been a valuable experience, and maybe I will actually continue to be on the committee next year.

(One of) the most enjoyable conversation topics: cross-cultural differences

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I love talking about food, culture, travel, books, food, cooking, and more food. But when I think of the best and most interesting conversations I’ve had with people I am just getting to know, one of the most exciting ones is most definitely about cross-cultural differences. Although I have not always been passionate and loved what I have done for a living, I know I’ve been really lucky and privileged to meet a lot of genuine, kind-hearted, and truly good people in the last 17-plus years of full-time work. I mean, work life is how I met the love of my life — my fuzzball Chris. And it’s also how I’ve met some people I am lucky to still call friends today. What has also been lucky is that although all the companies I’ve worked for have been American companies, the last two have had global offices, so I’ve been able to meet people who were born, raised, and live in other countries that I previously had known little about.

I met up with a friend and former colleague from my last company who happened to be in town from Amsterdam today. I hadn’t seen him since pre-pandemic — in November 2019 in Amsterdam, so almost exactly six years ago. This was before COVID-19, before the world shut down, before he got married and had two kids, before I got laid off, started a new job, and then went through IVF and had Kaia Pookie. We did the best we could to cover what’s happened between our respective lives in the last six years since we saw each other, though we had loosely kept in touch over Whatsapp throughout these years. He told me that while he would be in Manhattan, he was also meeting up with another friend he’d made recently, an American he met while in Uzbekistan last month. This person was very friendly, and they got along really well during their travels. And he had said to him that if he would ever come to New York that he’d like to meet up with him. And so he figured it wouldn’t hurt to message him to ask because he really did plan on coming.

“So, I never know what to think of Americans when they say things like that because most of you don’t mean what you say,” my friend started. “If a Dutch person says they want to meet with you while you are in town, they definitely mean it. I’m very direct in that sense, as Dutch directness is a real thing. But Americans? Americans say all kinds of shit they don’t mean, and then I’m left wondering if they really mean their offer!”

I laughed at this because I know exactly what he means. People here always say stuff they never follow through on: “Please keep in touch (this is actually code for: let me stalk you silently on social media/LinkedIn especially so I can see how you are doing personally/professionally, but I have zero desire to interact directly with you live).” “Please reach out when you are in town, and we can grab coffee.” “Let’s get lunch when you’re around!” Personally, I’ve messaged former colleagues and people I thought were work friends when I’ve been where they are. And when it came to making plans, a number of them have just not responded or responded initially, and then when it came to setting a firm date and time, stopped replying. And that’s when I realized, okay, I made the effort, but they don’t want to make the effort, and therefore, I’m not going to try anymore. It is what it is; I accept it, stop thinking about it, and move on.

I told him that at this point, I think he knows me better than to assume I am full of shit – this is where I am not like the American stereotype. If I say I want to see you, I definitely do want to see you. I will never suggest catching up with someone I am either indifferent to or flat out do not like.

He grinned. “I know, and that’s why I messaged you to see if you wanted to have a meal! Plus, I knew you’d recommend a good place because you know food!”

I think American culture could improve quite a bit by being more direct the way Dutch people are. At work, it can be especially painful. One of the things (of a long, endless list) I hate the most about American work culture is excessive politeness and small talk because then you are left wondering if they are asking because they genuinely care, or if they are just doing all this to put on a polite front to gain favor with you. But I suppose that is the fun in working with global organizations — learning to navigate all these nuances and making sense of it.

The Nor’easter that postponed this year’s AFSP Out of the Darkness Manhattan walk

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On our Wednesday evening Walk committee call, everyone was wondering about whether we should be postponing the Manhattan walk this Sunday given the weather report citing a Nor’easter on its way to us. For those who are not located in the northeast of the U.S., a “nor’easter” is a large-scale extratropical cyclone in the western North Atlantic Ocean. The name comes from the direction of the winds that blow from the northeast. Usually, storms like this go for over a hundred miles and can result in flight delays/cancellations, as well as large wind and flooding advisories. Every time you hear about this in the news, it’s probably a good idea to stay indoors and not be walking along a waterfront in lower Manhattan. On that evening, we said we would still have the event, rain or shine… until the city came to us and strongly advised us to postpone the walk until November 9 due to wind and flooding advisories. Since the Walk would be on the waterfront at Pier 16/17 at the Seaport, it was just too risky to put all of our volunteers and walkers in a potentially messy weather situation. It was likely a good call; I wasn’t sure how many people would come with the nor’easter in the weather report. Plus, this is actually Columbus Day/Indigenous People’s Day weekend, so many people who would have attended the walk were already planning to be out of town. We’ll be in town November 9, so when our co-chair called to let me know, I told him we’d still be at the postponed event next month.

All I could think when I saw the weather reports about the impending nor’easter was: how ridiculous is it that I’ve been participating in this same walk for the last 12 years, and this is the first year that weather is a problem. There were only two years when I was not physically there: the first was 2020 when the walk was completely virtual due to COVID-19 precautions. The second time was in 2022 when Chris and I had a communication snafu, and he booked an autumn Delaware road trip the same weekend as the Manhattan walk. So the one year I finally join the Walk committee and am officially volunteering at the event, it gets postponed due to weather. Oh well – c’est la vie.

Either way, we still had our usual Saturday outing. We spent the grey, drizzly day in Park Slope indulging in handmade campanelle pasta, a number of Chinese-French fusion pastries at our beloved Breadivore, and then admiring all the Halloween decorations already up at many of the neighborhood brownstones. Once the weather cleared up a bit later in the afternoon, Kaia spent time running and climbing at the huge Washington Park Playground in the ‘hood while I explored the tents at the fiber (yarn!) festival surrounding it. I’m still happy the walk is postponed as opposed to cancelled. I’m proud of the two TV segments I got to be on to represent AFSP and share why I walk. So regardless, this year’s participation is definitely a win for me personally — and the walk hasn’t even happened yet!

When OMNY card fails, mass pandemonium erupts, and two teenage boys save the day

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I went to pick up Kaia from school this late afternoon, and as usual, I walked her one block over from her school to the Grand Street B/D subway station so we could head home. Before I even got into the station, I knew something seemed off: there were huge crowds of people trying to get in. When we descended the stairs, something seemed very, very wrong: all of these people were trying to scan in with their OMNY cards to get through the turnstiles, and it just wasn’t working. All I saw were error messages and red flashes, indicating the turnstiles weren’t letting people in. I observed several people ahead of me, who tapped their OMNY cards so many times and failed that they gave up and just tapped their phones to pay because that looked like the only thing that worked for people. People were complaining loudly that OMNY cards weren’t being recognized; the MTA guy behind the counter was doing zilch to help (and sadly, even if he wanted to, he’d likely be powerless to help). I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. Everyone ahead of me only scanned in and got through because they tapped to pay. And I did NOT want to tap to pay. Chris already mentioned that OMNY had an outage earlier this week, which resulted in him having to renew our weekly pass one day earlier. We hate losing out on money we spent. When I finally reached the front of the turnstile, my card did not work. It wasn’t even registering that something was being scanned. I tapped it at least 10 times, and still nothing.

Kaia had no idea what was going on, so as per usual, she ducked under the turnstile ahead of me and started heading towards the stairs to the uptown track. I called out to her to wait for me. She kept looking back to see what was going on and even asked a few times, “What happened?” I continued calling out to her after tapping another 10 times (no exaggeration) to please wait for me. But then when I poked my head over to see her, I noticed there were two teenage boys — they could not have been any older than 15 — who were hovering over her and telling her to wait for her mommy. One of them tapped her shoulder and said, “You can’t go! You have to wait for mommy to come.” I was immediately so touched; they were watching over Kaia because they saw that I didn’t get through with my card, and they were concerned for her safety. I yelled out to thank them, but then also told Kaia to come back with me so I could figure out the card and not have to inconvenience the boys from getting to where they needed to go. She initially pouted but came, and then the boys went down the stairs to wait for the train. Maybe on the 21st or 22nd tap, my OMNY card finally (and luckily) registered, and I was able to get through. When we got down to the stairs to wait for the B/D going uptown, I saw the two boys again and thanked them profusely for looking out for Kaia while I was occupied. They waved me off and commented on how cute Kaia was.

As a person living in New York City for over 17 years, I have always believed that the vast majority of people here mean well and look out for others. I’ve had countless times when people have been incredibly kind to Kaia and me, and it’s always given me a little more faith and hope in humankind. Usually, though, when these kind moments have happened, it’s always been other adults, both men and women. But in this instance, it was two boys who were either pre-pubescent or just going through puberty who really shocked me with their maturity and concern. I don’t know who their parents are or what communities they have grown up in, but I just felt this deep gratitude to whoever raised them to be kind, caring, concerned citizens of the world. I wish I could have shared this story with their parents or caregivers, but I hope whoever they are that someone is telling them that they are doing a truly amazing job; their boys are truly good humans, and I have a feeling they will grow up to be truly good, well meaning men.

CBS News New York Livestream covering the AFSP Out of the Darkness Manhattan walk this Sunday

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After the live segment the AFSP Manhattan walk co-chair and I did on Saturday, we were informed yesterday that they’d like us to come back for the CBS News New York live stream. It was a bit chaotic in the last 24 hours because the date and time of recording kept changing; we weren’t sure if it was going to be filmed today or Friday. Plus, the volunteer manager and I (the ones who were asked this time) both have day jobs obviously, so we had to coordinate our work schedules on top of the changing filming schedule.

I arrived at the CBS Studio at 9:45 this morning and waited for our volunteer manager to arrive. When he did, we noticed that they had just sent the interview questions about thirty minutes before. And when we finally started recording at 10:15, I realized that the questions were not exactly what was shared. I was a bit thrown off and stumbled a little bit during one of my answers, but eventually picked myself up and kept speaking. I kept thinking to myself after: how funny it is that during the live segment, I spoke fairly well, yet during the pre-recorded taped segment, I stumbled! That was so annoying to me. We were reassured that because this was being taped and not airing live, we didn’t need to worry about any stumbles, that they would cut/edit it so we all looked and sounded good.

When we finished our segment, the director stopped filming. Cindy Hsu, the news anchor who interviewed us, is also on the board of AFSP, and she was really great to work with. She was warm and friendly as soon as we got on the stage. We made some small talk before and after about AFSP and our families. She took photos with us and also did a cute little social media video for each of us on her phone.

CBS News would also be present at the walk on Sunday, likely interviewing AFSP volunteers and participants every hour starting at 9am, and our executive director asked that I also speak with them there. I figure that will be a lot more ad hoc and casual since it will be at the event, and so I don’t have any pressure to look or feel polished. All in all, both TV experiences this week were completely unexpected a month ago, and it was a fun way to mix up my usual week to week routine. Now, I can always look back on this and say that I was on live and pre-recorded TV!

Unexpected customer news today

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Some colleagues and I had a scheduled call this morning with a customer we hadn’t heard from in months. We had tried reaching out countless times to get a meeting on the calendar with them since April, to no avail. Finally, they agreed to this meeting today, so we spent a lot of time thinking about what we’d add to the agenda. Then, when our executive contact came on, she slowly spoke and revealed that they’d unlikely be renewing our contract when we reached the end date in the spring because they had not seen much a return on any of their e-learning providers and needed to rethink their strategy for internal upskilling. And in the same breath, she revealed that she had stage 4 cancer and would not be around for much longer. She would try to make all our scheduled meetings and respond to our messages, but if she did not, she reassured us that she was not ignoring us; she was simply prioritizing her health, or… she just wasn’t around anymore. She also said she’d try to remember putting up an out-of-office auto reply.

I wasn’t even sure what to say. All of us froze on the call, and the customer kept talking business. So that’s the direction the call went. But it just such sad, unexpected news. I didn’t even know she had any health problems. Plus, for her to talk about not renewing the contract and having stage 4 cancer in almost the same sentence was just completely baffling to me. Plus, the fact that she was reassuring us that she wasn’t ignoring us in the midst of everything she’s going through personally… I was just rendered speechless.

Life is short. None of us knows what is going to happen next. Death is just waiting to take all of us away.

When Kaia saw her mama on TV

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Yesterday when I left to get to the CBS studio in time for our live segment on AFSP, Kaia was just finishing up her Saturday morning gymnastics class. So Chris took her home and of course, he got the antenna set up with the TV to see if they could watch me on CBS New York live. Kaia got quite the surprise when she saw her mama on TV. Chris got a few videos and photos of Kaia watching me on the live segment. She kept pointing and poking at me when I was on the screen. Her fingers followed where I went. And she kept saying over and over, “Hi, Mummy! Hi, Mummy!” when she’d see me on the TV.

I know Kaia doesn’t know what her mama does for work or for volunteering quite yet; she’s still a bit young. But I do hope that she looks back at these photos and videos one day and is proud of what her mama did to honor her jiujiu’s life. When Chris’s photos and videos had synced in Google Photos of my being on TV and Kaia watching and touching me on the screen, my heart melted to see how excited my sweet baby was to see her mummy on the live TV. It was so heart warming for me. In some ways, it almost made me more proud to see her reaction than to see myself on the TV!

Having a child is a lot of work. Having a toddler is beyond tough with endless ups and downs. But these “ups” make it all so, so worth it, and they are what I live for.

CBS New York Live – AFSP NYC Walk

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At 9:55 sharp, I checked into CBS’s studio just 3.5 blocks away. And at 10:25am, we filmed for five minutes – no cuts, all live. And this was how it turned out. It was a good thing the AFSP ED asked me to prepare a “why” statement a few days in advance because that statement ended up being what I mentally referenced when I was on the stage speaking.

After checking in at the front desk of CBS News, an assistant escorted us up an elevator and through a maze of long, seemingly endless wide hallways with exposed wires of endless colors. It really felt like those “behind the scenes” shots where you see performers go down long hallways before getting on stage. After what seemed like ages, we finally got to a “waiting room” where there was a lit up sign that said “ON AIR.” Signs everywhere said to keep our voices down. The producer came out to briefly introduce himself, told us that the hosts would ask us these several questions (never shared with us ahead of time, but hey, this is live TV!), and then asked which of us would answer what question. He said everything was already behind schedule, apologized for his brevity and the fact that everything felt rushed, and then got each of our lapel mics set up on us. He tested the mics and made sure they looked good on us without having wiring exposed oddly (my dress was particularly annoying, for some reason…), and then said he’d be back in about two minutes to get us.

Just minutes later, we were escorted onto the stage, where we met Doug and Jenna, the news hosts. They warmly greeted us, and we ran through how to pronounce our names, confirmed our AFSP titles/positions, who was going to answer which questions, and then clarified which camera (of the FIVE) there were to look at, or who to look at when. Our co-chair Scott answered questions about who and what AFSP is, I answered questions about why I joined AFSP and why I continue to support and fundraise for it, as well as how to get involved. It all went by so fast that before we knew it, Jenna and Scott were already in the out-tro view, where they were discussing how to seek help if you need it. Once the director yelled “CUT!”, they thanked us for coming on and commended us for being so vulnerable in sharing our stories and wanting to help others. For news casters, I really felt both of them seemed genuine, warm, and kind, which wasn’t really how I imagined anyone regularly on TV being with regular everyday people like us.

The entire experience was so frantic, fast-paced, and tight, with pretty much zero notice of anything that was about to happen. I know I would never do well in TV production, much less live TV production. But even though it went by so quickly, it was a pretty fun and interesting experience to see how live news is filmed at a major broadcasting station like CBS. I felt really honored and privileged to have this experience as a Walk committee member, volunteer, and fundraiser; it’s not like I have a real leadership role at the NYC Chapter for AFSP, so I realize it was a rare opportunity for me to represent them and share my personal story; they definitely instilled their trust in me in this way. It felt really good to be open about losing Ed in a very open and public way, and the conversation we had live, though very brief, felt very conversational and natural, the way I’d have it if someone were to ask me about my involvement with AFSP or how Ed passed. Even though he’s no longer physically here, he still lives on through me and all that I do. And I will never stop sharing his story and how much I love and care for him, even long, long after his death. I don’t want Ed to have died in vain. I want his life and story to live on.

“It’s really amazing that you both do this,” Jenna said, as she walked us off the stage. “I hope this doesn’t sound trite, but I think your brother and your friends (Scott’s friends he lost to suicide) are looking down on you and feel so proud of the work you are doing and how you are choosing to honor their lives.”

I do hope that is true. I really hope so.