Category Archives: Hope

An interview with a NYC story teller

Posted on by
Reply

A few months ago, the executive director of AFSP NYC asked if I’d be interested in featuring my story about why I walk at the national level. I’m an open book and am happy to find ways to help others, so I said that I’d be willing to participate. Fast forward to this last week, the AFSP head of social media reached out to schedule time before the walk at Pier 16/17 to meet with David Eng, a New York City-based videographer and story teller, to discuss why I walk and why I fundraise with AFSP. He would be producing videos showcasing personal stories of why people walk, and they asked me to sign off on some release forms so that they could post these videos publicly.

I kept looking at his name and wondering why he sounded so familiar. I quickly looked him up on Instagram and discovered that he’s actually done the food videos for Banh and Kopitiam, some of my very favorite restaurants in the city. I actually already knew his work and really enjoyed it. I was a little nervous, thinking, wow, he’s interviewed and featured people who run some of the best businesses in the city, and now, he’s just sharing my (Ed’s) story?!

The head of social media found me, and we chatted while we walked over to David staking out some good recording spots with indirect light. I asked David about his Banh connection, and we geeked out over Vietnamese food for a bit; he was incredulous that I’d actually seen his Banh video since he said it was from over three years ago. He has since stopped doing food stories because they are very chaotic and stressful due to restaurant scheduling/hiccups. Now, he focuses most of his work on social media (for Banh Anh Em!!) and on telling human stories of real New Yorkers — like myself.

They had given me some prompt questions ahead of time to get my thoughts organized before the interview. But the interview itself ended up being a lot more thought-provoking and emotional than I had imagined. David was a really great, sensitive interviewer. He asked me a lot of questions that I don’t believe I’ve ever been point-blank asked before about Ed, about my journey toward healing and helping others.

One question he asked me, which I know no one, not even any therapist or close friend has asked, is, “If Ed were here today (assuming he’s still not alive), what would you say to him?”

I paused for a while on this. I didn’t tell him this, but I write Ed a letter on this blog for every birthday of his, every anniversary of his passing. So I do “speak” to him as though he’s in the other world, heaven, whatever you want to call it. But this question I suppose hit differently because this was a live conversation, in person, and I have never been asked that face to face by anyone. It’s a hard one.

I partially shared this, but not all my thoughts (no one has time for all of it). This is what I would say:

I love you. I miss you so, so much. I hope you are proud of everything I’ve accomplished, everything I’ve done to help others in your name. I want you to know that you didn’t die in vain, you did not die for nothing, that I’m doing everything with the little power that I have to keep your legacy going. Every person I can support and help — I do it in your honor and to keep your memory alive. You may not be here anymore, but in my heart, you are always, always living on in me. I have not forgotten you; I will never forget you. I will try to live my best possible life and do right by people because that’s what you would have wanted for me, for Kaia. You will always be a part of me — the best part of me. Your life mattered. It still matters.

AFSP New York City Out of the Darkness Walk at Pier 16/17: “Why I walk”

Posted on by
Reply

Today was the day of the AFSP New York City Out of the Darkness Walk. This is my 13th walk, and my 12th in Manhattan. It was likely one of the largest turnouts for the walk I’ve seen in years, which was great to witness. Three friends came to support me for the walk; two of them even recorded most or all of my speech, which I was grateful for. It’s also my second year serving on the walk planning committee. As part of my role on the committee and given I have been the longest involved fundraiser/walker for this walk, I was asked to give a brief speech during the opening ceremony about why I walk. So, I wrote this speech below and delivered it this morning. I think overall it went well. Chris held up Kaia in his arms so that she could watch me speak. Chris thinks that Kaia would rate it a 3/5 stars, though, because she started squirming in his arms after less than halfway through…

Good morning, everyone. My name is Yvonne Wong. This is my 12th New York City Out of the Darkness Community Walk.

Every year, I walk for my big brother, Ed. Ed was one of the kindest, most generous people I’ve ever known. I always remember how he used to shower me with gifts for my birthday and sometimes would even get me a “welcome home” cake when I’d come back to San Francisco. 

I lost Ed to suicide in July 2013, after a long struggle with depression and anxiety. I was living here in New York City. He was in San Francisco, 3,000 miles away. I often felt helpless, and I didn’t know where to turn for support.

When I lost him, I was overwhelmed by guilt, anger, and grief. I couldn’t understand why he had to die. I struggled to understand why his suffering hadn’t been taken more seriously.

In searching for answers, I found AFSP. Here was a place where people spoke openly about suicide and called it what it is, suicide, where there was room for my grief, my anger, and my questions. Through AFSP, I found people who understood, and a community I could turn to.

I also found a way to keep honoring Ed. I began sharing his story through fundraising and community events. And year after year, I kept telling it.

Then, something I did not expect started to happen. People started reaching out: friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and even complete strangers. They shared their own experiences of loss and struggle. And many told me I was the very first person they had ever opened up to.

That… has stayed with me. By telling Ed’s story, I was helping make room for other people to tell theirs; I was creating a safe space for them. What began as a way to honor my brother became a way to connect with people whose pain I might otherwise never have known about. And in those connections, I found some healing of my own.

Today, I’m proud to serve on the New York City Walk Planning Committee as a volunteer and fundraiser. This community has given me a way to keep showing up for Ed… and for other people who need understanding, support, and hope.

I can’t bring my brother back. But I can keep saying his name. I can keep listening when someone is ready to talk. And I can keep working toward a future where fewer families experience this kind of loss. 

That is why I walk. I walk for Ed. I walk for the people who have trusted me with their stories. And I walk for anyone who is still carrying their grief or their struggle alone… so they can find what I found here: understanding, connection, and hope.

If that’s you, I’m so glad you’re here. You belong here. And you don’t have to walk alone. Thank you for walking with me.

Opening up the Instant Pot worked so far!

Posted on by
Reply

So I cleaned the inside of the Instant Pot after unscrewing the bottom, emptying out all the burnt over dried up soy milk crud, and scrubbed clean the sensor bars. I aired it out overnight. Then I put the bottom piece back in and screwed it in. I ran a 5-minute water pressure test to ensure the pressure was building up properly. And it worked! The glue to seal the sensor screws has arrived, so I will be gluing them soon and will let it air dry before using the Instant Pot once again.

Phew. I hope this keeps up and this isn’t a false sense of security. I never want to see that awful C6L error or any error on my beloved Instant Pot ever again. I NEED my Instant Pot! It’s an integral part of my kitchen and cooking!

Line up, line up!

Posted on by
Reply

Kaia has really been immersed in Chinese since she started at her current school. Sometimes, she tells me what she’s learning and what things mean, even when I don’t ask. I never formally learned any Mandarin Chinese until college, so a lot of the seemingly basic, kindergarten-level things she’s learning are things I never learned myself. But because I did study it, I pick up a lot of these things simply based on context. For example, she kept saying that they often do work in small groups; she never explicitly said that. But she did say, “G and I are in B 组 (zǔ); but C and M are in A 组 (zǔ).” Based that, it’s clear to me that 组 (zǔ) means team or small group.

While observing the kids at soccer yesterday, I also saw a few of them line up and act silly. As they lined up when going up the stairs from the gym, they chanted, “排排队，排排队，一个跟着一个排. That is “Pái pái duì, pái pái duì, yīgè gēnzhe yīgè pái” or, “Line up, line up, one following right behind the other.” There is something really sweet and almost magical about a bunch of kindergarten kids, chanting the exact same words in perfect unison, all wearing the same uniform.

I wasn’t very pleased that her school had a dress code when we first learned about it; it’s essentially a school uniform, but the colors for top and bottom change by day of the week. But now that we’re over a month into it, I will admit that it does make life easier. I don’t have to fight with her in the morning regarding what she’s going to wear; she knows what day requires which colors. She sees all the other kids wearing the exact same thing, so there’s no reason to whine or have comparisons. Because all the kids are wearing the same thing, they all match, and she does enjoy matching. And well, I do admit that it is really adorable seeing all the kids matching and wearing the same thing every day: it does make school seem more formal and serious.

Plus, as they chant “排排队，排排队，一个跟着一个排,” it looks and sounds better to me when they are all in uniform! Plus yesterday, they were especially matching because three of them had the same single braid hairdo!

Observation days for after school enrichment

Posted on by
Reply

Kaia is enrolled at the after school program at her school. In addition to general after school, which is supposed to have a mix of structured activities and homework help, parents also have the option of enrolling kids in specific enrichment programs. These can range from arts, robotics, and musical instrument learning, to sports like tennis or soccer. We enrolled Kaia in chess and soccer. Chess would be good to learn an important game and strategy (this is a game I’ve never actually learned to play!), and soccer would be good for her to learn a team sport. This week, the school has given parents the ability to watch the kids in action with “observation days.” We can show up during the last 15 minutes of the program to see the kids doing their given activity.

I was the first parent to show up at the observation for today’s soccer. About five other parents trickled in. And I’ll be honest: I wasn’t that happy about what I saw. I saw a single adult coach trying to manage over 20 kids of ages ranging from kindergarten to fifth grade. Half the kids were participating in some form and listening, while the other half were goofing off, doing their own silly things (Kaia included, unfortunately). I really think there should’ve been at least one other adult for authority and direction. Being a lone coach amongst this many kids varying in ages is too tough. For the entire 15 minutes I was there, I don’t think I saw Kaia kick the ball even once! Based on what I watched, I am not fully clear she even understands the idea behind soccer, that you need to kick a ball into a net, and on the flip side, you need to prevent the other team from getting the ball into your team’s net!

I think Kaia knew I wasn’t pleased even though I never said anything. On the scoot back home, she occasionally would stop and say, “Mama, I kicked the ball before you came!” That’s my sweet baby for you.

I never played organized sport other than during PE classes. While I found some sports more fun than others, I don’t think anyone would say that I was even remotely athletic. In middle and high school, I used to win competitions for running (sprinting) and for exercises like sit-ups, push-ups, and pull-ups (abs and arms of steal :). But that was really it for me. So if Kaia isn’t good at any sport, I am definitely not going to be that disappointed. But in the very least, I hope she understands the sports and tries to participate!

Autumn in Vermont: The best leaf peeping

Posted on by
Reply

Although I had previously been to Vermont during spring and summer, I always knew that autumn would be the most spectacular for me (as someone who hates cold winters and does not do snow sports, I have zero, zero desire to visit Vermont in the winter). I didn’t grow up with four seasons in San Francisco. There was even a period in my childhood when I really did think that “fall leaves”/autumn foliage was just completely made up for books and movies. So when I came to the East Coast for college and got to see all the spectacular autumn foliage on the Wellesley campus, I was hooked. Even when I was stressed during midterm exams, I still found some peace in the beautiful fall foliage.

Chris took us on a scenic route headed toward Stowe today, so we visited a number of fun, beautiful, and tasty places, including Cold Hollow Cider Mill (great spot for cider donuts, maple syrup, maple everything, local Vermont products, fun Vermont souvenirs, and lots of fun photo ops), Ben and Jerry’s headquarters (no tour this time, but mainly a stop for their famous Flavor Graveyard. It’s gotten quite an upgrade since we last visited in 2014, as some of the grave stones even have QR codes you can scan for more information on the retired flavor!), the Stowe Foliage Arts Festival, the Alchemist Brewery, and Pie-Casso (pizza) for dinner.

Cold Hollow Cider Mill is the kind of northeast suburban/rural fall retreat stop that we’ve really embraced over the years since Kaia has been in tow. It has everything you’d want at this time of year: pumpkin patches, hay stacks, colorful mums (the flowers!), scarecrows, freshly pressed apple cider, apple cider donuts, and all the fall flavors you can think of. Maple syrup featured prominently here, and I appreciated there were signs explaining how the maple syrup grading changed in 2014 in Vermont, which was then changed at the national level in 2015. Although we didn’t get to take advantage of it, they have an entire section that is open to the public where you can watch the apples being pressed into fresh cider; you are also allowed to pour yourself your own (free) sample out of a tap! The line was crazy long when we got in, so we just bought cider and cider donuts and enjoyed them outside.

The main highlight of the day was definitely the fall foliage surrounding us everywhere. We made some stops along the way to take photos to capture the beauty. And we also got to enjoy leaf peeping to the max at the Stowe Foliage Arts Festival. The festival happens at this time of year annually in the Stowe Events Field, which is surrounded 365-degrees by mountain views and vibrant colors of the autumn foliage right now. If it wasn’t already clear from the name, it’s not just an art festival; it’s a foliage arts festival! They have lots of local fine arts and crafts, live music, specialty food and drink, and of course, fresh food. Going through the marquee with all the art vendors was really fun: we saw so many types of art that we’d never been exposed to before. My favorite in terms of uniqueness was this female artist who uses threads to create composition. At different angles, the colors of the thread look different. The artist incorporates a little swing on her trees for a 3D feel. I also loved seeing all the different large scale photography of the stunning Vermont landscapes; one artist printed his photography on metal, which had an interesting effect on the photo itself!

The Stowe Foliage Arts Festival also had a marquee with specialty food and drink, which of course, we embraced. They had lots of generous samples; it reminded me of what the New York Chocolate Show and food festivals have been like that I’ve attended in the past. After tasting, we bought a bottle of local mead and a very unique bottle of chocolate raspberry (!!) wine. I finally caved in and bought more maple syrup (despite having just opened a Costco maple syrup bottle at home) after trying Green’s Sugarhouse maple syrup (Amber, Dark, and Very Dark). The standard and most common maple syrup you get is amber, which is considered the most versatile for cooking, baking, and drizzling on pancakes and waffles. At this booth, we got to try all four grades side by side. Given we love very strong flavors, we decided to get the “very dark.” And along with that, we picked up a bottle of their maple balsamic vinaigrette, which was very zippy. The lady working the booth says that she uses it not just as a salad dressing, but also to glaze her fish and meats. I am definitely using this on fish soon! I love that Green’s Sugarhouse is a seventh generation maple sugaring house; it felt good to support a local, family-run business. But hey, there’s another fun fact I learned: the majority of maple sugaring houses in Vermont are all family owned and generational traditions!!!!!! This state is so unique and fun!

We ended the day at Alchemist Brewery, which is likely the most fun and interesting-to-wander-and-look-around-at brewery we’ve ever visited. They have lots of art and murals everywhere, even on their ceilings. They have very tall trees growing inside the brewery. The brewery has a large outdoor space for drinking, corn hole and other games (perfect for letting your children be outside and safe!). There was a live band playing outside when we arrived. This place was anything but boring. I got to enjoy a very good stout while Chris had a hazy IPA. Kaia and I played corn hole, and she eventually found two new little friends to play with.

We had pizza after the brewery and a long, DARK drive back to Middlebury. If you didn’t already think it was rural here in the day, then at night, you will know for a fact you are in the middle of nowhere driving here. Chris drove us safely back with long stretches of high beam and low beam on (no lights on roads here!!). Upon putting his head down on the pillow back at the hotel, he passed out and immediately started snoring. That’s how I know he’s really tired and had to concentrate a lot!

The babysitter bearing gifts… again

Posted on by
Reply

We had our babysitter from a couple weeks ago come back to take care of Kaia this evening, as Chris got us tickets to see Mo Amer at Radio City Music Hall tonight. Last time, I wasn’t that happy that this babysitter allowed Kaia to sleep at 9:15; in fact, I was so annoyed that when we got back, I had to give her a mini lecture (and then followed up with a text message to reinforce this) about why Kaia needs to sleep earlier. I gave very clear instructions both verbally and written in a notebook for her. Before this babysitter, I’d never had any issue having Kaia in bed, lights out, by 7:30pm, if not earlier. All the other babysitters were good about this, and she was always asleep for quite some time by the time we got home (usually around 10pm). This babysitter, while well meaning and very sweet, just isn’t as strict, and Kaia clearly picked up on this quickly.

Tonight when we got out of the show and I checked my phone, the babysitter messaged to let me know Kaia went to sleep at 8:45, which is still an hour and 15 minutes AFTER the time I said she had to be in bed by. So while I was annoyed, I was a little less annoyed. When we got back, she told me that Kaia kept tossing and turning in the bed, then finally got out and told her she was not that sleepy and asked if they could play hide-and-seek for a little. And so the babysitter relented. I was annoyed and had to repeat myself again that she really needs to be in bed by 7:30, no stalling, no questions, no nothing.

Again, even after I told her not to bring gifts, this time she said she just wanted to share and knew Kaia would like these things. In addition to more bilingual English/Chinese kid library books, she also brought a couple coloring books (she claims she has “lots” of these at home), as well as two packs of ready-to-eat chestnuts, and even a little Taiwanese pineapple cake. She insisted that these were for belated good wishes for Mid-Autumn Moon Festival. It was very hard for me to fault her for this kindness and generosity in thinking of Kaia with this recent Chinese holiday, so I thanked her and let it go.

So I still feel conflicted. I know this babysitter means well, and she is clearly very kind, warm, sweet, generous, and thoughtful. But I need a babysitter who can set boundaries better and instill discipline. The next time she comes will be a Thursday, which means it will be a school night, and so she absolutely needs to sleep by 7:30pm.

There is no such thing as a perfect babysitter or caregiver. I don’t totally mind that she gets these random one-offs to sleep later while having fun and building a relationship with a different trusted adult, especially as she is close to turning five now. But I need my instructions to be followed. So, we shall see how this works out.

Parenthood: the ultimate test of patience and perseverance

Posted on by
Reply

As I sat there with Kaia yesterday evening, struggling through getting her to complete a single page of Chinese strokes, specifically, the “na” (捺) stroke—the sweeping downward-right stroke, I thought about my mom and all the work she put in for me before I even got to kindergarten. Before I entered kindergarten and during my preschool years, my mom had taught me the entire English alphabet. She taught me all the letters, both lower and upper case. She made me write them over and over and over again. Before kindergarten began, I knew how to write all of them on my own, and in relatively good form. In addition to that, she taught me all the numbers and had me do basic addition and subtraction in hopes that I’d be more advanced than my peers. While I was initially more advanced than the majority of them, that quickly ended by the time I reached third grade. Multiplication and division did not come naturally to me; it was a painful and miserable process before I finally understood it. I do not think I was the slowest of the pack, but I was most certainly not the quickest in that realm. The concept of “carrying over” numbers was a true struggle. To this day, my mom can do quicker and better mental math than I could even dream of.

When Kaia started 3K, I did momentarily think that maybe I could model my mom and proactively teach Kaia these things in her 3-4K years. But I thought to myself: she has a real curriculum she is following in her two years of preschool. She’ll be fine! They’re going to teach all of that to her, right?

Wrong. They taught her recognition and sounds. We all know that recognition is not the same thing as applying and writing it all yourself.

We are still struggling with writing the date on each page of homework. I wonder when we will get over this hump. She still does her “9” and “6” backwards. She doesn’t do a real “8” that has two circles on top of each other. She also does not like to do the same thing more than three times, apparently, and then has a total melt down. I have to let her cry it out. Then, I myself have to take a deep breath and try not to yell.

I wonder how much whining, screaming, and crying I did when my mom started the alphabet and numbers with me when I was just three years old. I suppose next time I can ask. But whenever I ask her questions about my childhood, she has only vague recollections and does not remember the details. I cannot blame her for that; that would be 37 years ago now. So maybe through this blog, I can preserve some of these “fun” and truthfully painful memories so that one day when Kaia gets older and she asks me, I can simply reference this blog and tell her what a total brat she was and give very clear, concrete examples. I can also share how many times we had to insist to her that she did not have the option of giving up, that she “can do hard things” about a million times.

Massive kudos to my mom, though, for getting me through all that before formal schooling kicked in for me. I just knew I wouldn’t have the patience to do it with my own kid even though my mom did it with me.

First Back to School Night

Posted on by
Reply

When I got out of bed two mornings ago, I knew that autumn had really come: it was the first time I felt the need to put another layer on upon waking. The temperatures felt like they declined sharply in the last few days, or maybe it’s just me. And what perfect timing since the autumn equinox was also on Tuesday, the actual official start of autumn in the northern hemisphere!

Lots of things happen in pretty quick succession once fall starts: school begins, Back to School Night is scheduled, lots of kid/school events, Mid-Autumn Moon Festival (that’s tomorrow!), and Halloween. For me personally, there’s the AFSP Out of the Darkness walk and fundraising, which I usually begin pushing at the end of the summer. End of summer is also when our committee meets more regularly to plan the walk day down to the T. Tonight marked our first official Back to School night at Kaia’s new school, another reminder that she really is in formal school days, in kindergarten. As one of my gym friends says, it’s a “marker that you’re getting ready to let her go.”

Since we don’t have a nanny or family for easy childcare, Chris stayed home with Kaia while I attended the Back to School Night event. The schedule was a bit too packed and condensed: the presentations were too long, and there wasn’t enough open time to breathe and let people ask questions freely. They said they would take questions “after” the presentation was done, but the hard part about that was after each session, we were being motioned to move onto the next talk. At least this was a good way to see what the kids are actually learning week by week, unit by unit, and how the target language themes align with the English Language Arts themes. A bunch of the parents were grumbling in our kindergarten class, saying that when they ask their kids what they learned in school today, they usually respond with something like, “Nothing! We didn’t do anything! We talked about nothing! We didn’t read! We just sat!” I can related to this: more than two or three times in the last two weeks of school, Kaia has responded in exactly this way.

After Back to School Night, there was a casual after-party at the wine bar across the street from the school. I originally intended to just stay for a bit and get one drink, but I ended up staying until the very end along with two other fellow moms (I still stuck with one drink, though). This wasn’t too long, though. In total we were there for about two hours. I’ll be honest and say that no, not every single parent here is warm, friendly, and welcoming, but I would expect that, otherwise they might be some crazy cult. For the most part, people seem friendly, genuine, like they want to be open to others. There’s definitely a good sense of community overall here that I enjoy. Parents mostly do want to get to know other parents, and it doesn’t seem forced or competitive.

When I was walking to the school before the event started, I did start feeling a little sad and wistful once again, thinking about my sweet baby, growing up and slowly spreading her wings and flying away. But then I remembered one of the books we’ve read a lot called “The Wonderful Things You Will Be.” Then I think about how every stage of her development has brought so much curiosity and joy and love to our family, and how with every new thing she says and does, I am more and more amazed by her development, her growth, her depth of thought. She will always be my baby, but she has to be set free to learn, explore, and love. It’s a beautiful but sad thing at the same time. I suppose this is what a mother’s love feels like. I am still reckoning with the fact that my baby is in kindergarten. It is still sinking in.

The compost worms and Kaia

Posted on by
Reply

While in San Francisco and staying with my parents, Kaia loves to go out to my parents’ backyard and see my dad’s compost, specifically the worms that live and nourish the compost bin. To be frank, I am not sure what the hell my dad does with this nutrient rich compost soil he is creating, but since it gives him joy, we just have to “let them!” If it gives him joy and a reason to be, plus it keeps his mind and body occupied, then I consider it a win for all. Before we left, Kaia requested to see the worms before going to the airport. So my dad was really excited and proudly showed them to her one last time. Then last night unexpectedly, I got this text message from my dad:

“My compost worm said hi to Kaia.”

I smiled when I read this. If you don’t know my dad, then you won’t know why this message tickled me so much and warmed my heart. My dad is usually stoic, always emotionless and rarely shows any real love or affection; he just doesn’t know how. He’s spent his entire life just surviving and being deprived of any real tender care. So now that Kaia is here, she gives affection so easily that it’s like her second nature. So she happily showers it on everyone and anyone, including her Gonggong. And I’m sure it made my dad happy. So he remembered this and wanted to interact with her in this way by sending this text, which is a hundred percent out of character. This is a very playful, affectionate message, one that in a million years I would never have guessed my dad would send to me, even if it’s for my kindergarten-age daughter.

Becoming a mother has changed my life in more ways than I could count. And incredibly, it’s also even changed the way I see my dad. At the core of every person is someone who wants to be seen, recognized, and loved; this is no matter how unfeeling and stoic they may be on the outside. Maybe that’s what my dad was missing in his life all along. Now that he has someone who does this for him, loudly and unabashedly, as in, his granddaughter, something new has been awakened in him.