Category Archives: Health

When eating a piece of bread feels like knives going down your throat

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I knew my HFM was getting worse when on Friday morning, I attempted to eat a piece of bread that wasn’t even toasted, and it felt like I was trying to shove and swallow knives. Everything going down my throat felt like my throat was being shredded to pieces. I had no idea how a sore throat could possibly be THIS painful. Was I going to have to resort to smoothies and pureed food just the way Gerber and all those nasty baby food companies intended for tiny humans? Even drinking hot ginger tea with lemon and honey hurt. Anything citrusy or even remotely acidic made my entire mouth and throat burn. The lesions were just waiting to scream at me, mocking me for even attempting to eat anything with flavor. It was miserable.

Today, despite knowing it would hurt, I still ate the delicious Boomerang Bites Aussie mini slices that Chris ordered. Yet somehow, even the tiny bits of cherry in the choc-cherry slice burned my mouth. Then, the CARAMEL in the sticky date bite wanted to murder mouth. Pretty much anything that tasted like anything hurt to either be in my mouth or go down my throat.

So, this is what hand foot mouth disease is, I thought to myself sullenly. I can only pray that I never get this again. Yet somehow, I have a feeling that this will NOT be my last time. This is what it’s like to have a young child who is getting exposed to every germ possible in the world. This is a mama’s life. I’m going to just take it one day at a time, even my throat feels like it’s going to close up completely and kill me.

14 months of pumping: a pumping mama’s reflection

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1,430.83 hours 

59.62 days 

225.07 litres

59.46 gallons 

That’s a lot of time being spent attached to an electric nipple sucker. I still can’t believe I produced that much milk. My husband still calls me an udder. 

Whoever said breastfeeding was easy either a) has never done it or b) got really, really lucky with it. I was not so lucky with nursing despite reading all the possible sources about it while pregnant, taking an online course about it, and naively thinking I was super prepared. I had a useless lactation consultant at the hospital, an arguably even more incompetent and toxic one at my baby’s pediatrician’s office who just assumed I naturally had low supply (the woman shaming truly never ends…).

When I became a new mother, I had no idea people “exclusively pumped” breast milk to feed their babies. I thought they only did this when they were nursing and were separated from their babies. I had no idea “EPing” as it’s called became a “thing” historically because women who had babies in the NICU who wanted to breastfeed started doing it, and these babies, either because of their size or condition, could not latch or suck properly to eat adequately and help mama build and maintain milk supply. I didn’t know my own baby had a “weak suck” until my pediatrician, of all people,  called it out at her 1-month check-up. All I knew from my useless breastfeeding articles and virtual course was to focus on the latch! Latch! That’s all they talked about! WHY DID NO ONE WARN ME ABOUT A WEAK SUCK?! So after a week, my baby’s weight was the same; she wasn’t gaining. In my super hormonal postpartum state, I actually thought my breast milk was poisoning her. So I went down the miserable road of “triple feeding” (nursing, bottle feeding pumped milk or formula to “top up” baby, and then pumping) – every three hours, around the clock – for the next three weeks.

My baby’s suck never improved. So I turned to exclusive pumping, or at least the pumping schedule of someone who DOES exclusively pump. I still nursed baby regularly, if just for comfort and bonding, up until about 5 months, then finally just stopped. I had to let go of my fantasy of being a nursing mom and really sit in my reality: I was actually an exclusive pumper. 

Due to having nearly two weeks without proper milk removal, I was late to catch up in building my milk supply. So I had to find a way to compensate and do it as quickly as possible. That’s when I turned to power pumping (#iykyk), as miserable and time-consuming as it was on top of already pumping 7 times a day. I power pumped at least once a day for two months. I drank endless amounts of water, ate all the oatmeal. I went through many resentful, teary moments, mostly in the middle of the night pumping, wondering why it felt like I spent more time with my breast pump than my own baby I was pumping for. My entire life revolved around pumping. It took me until about 3.5 months to be fully comfortable and in my routine with it. At around 4 months, I made peace with pumping and figured that although I didn’t choose to pump, my pump ultimately chose me. This was my destiny and how I was meant to feed my Kaia Pookie.

I pumped 7 times a day until 3 months; 6 times a day until just shy of 4 months, 5 times a day from 4 to 6 months; then 4 times a day until 11 months. Even after reducing PPD (pumps per day), my supply miraculously just KEPT on going up. At 11 months, I went down to 3PPD, then at 12 months, 2PPD. Shortly before 13 months, my Spectra S1 Plus pump died while traveling, and so I luckily was saved by a local mom’s group, where moms were happy to loan their pumps to me during my stay in Southern California. I will always be grateful for the selfless, generous support I got from that one mother in Fountain Valley, California. But when I came back to New York, Spectra had shipped my replacement pump late, so I had to use my Baby Buddha pump as a backup. Unfortunately, that pump just didn’t jive as well with me since my body was so used to the Spectra, so my supply depleted really quickly. It was then that I knew I had to end my journey at around 14 months.

I pumped in five different US states, three Australian states, and four countries. I have pumped at home, in my company’s mothers’ room (just a handful of times since I’m lucky to work from home), in cars, trains, planes, airport lounges, hotels, hotel lobbies, restaurants, at wineries, in multiple friends’/families’ homes. And don’t even get me started on how many times I had to constantly wash all my pump parts!! Yet somehow, some way, I made it to 14 months of pumping. 

Exclusive pumping is the hardest, most challenging thing I’ve literally ever done in my life. It was more emotionally, mentally, and physically intense than anything, even labor and child birth. And while I do feel liberated that my pumping journey has now come to an end, it is actually bittersweet; I have loved knowing that my body has provided the majority of my baby’s nourishment in her first 14 months of life; I say it repeatedly, but I mean every word of it. At the end, I got to 84.3% lifetime breast milk for Kaia. The haters above never would have guessed that. Pumping to feed my baby gave me a deep sense of purpose, like I was actually doing something that truly mattered. The saying is true: I didn’t love pumping, but I pumped because I love. I am proud of this journey my baby has allowed me to go on. During this journey, I truly came to understand and live the meanings of “perseverance” and “patience,” as no one’s milk supply increases dramatically overnight.

Do I wish I successfully nursed my baby? Yes. Do I wish I had better in-person support for overall breastfeeding? Of course. But I am thankful for my breastfeeding journey, the amazing support I had from Andrea Ramirez, the Cleo lactation consultant from The Latched Life who encouraged me, helped me identify I had “elastic nipples” (yeah, because how does a first-time mother figure THAT one out?!), and gave me the emotional support and empathy I really needed to continue my breastfeeding journey, but perhaps not in the exact way I had originally envisioned; my night nurses who kept cheering me on (one of them repeatedly said to me, “Everything has its time, and then it ends. Cherish it and be proud of what you are doing for your baby!”), my friends who encouraged me, and of course, my loving and supportive husband Chris, the best bottle feeder I know who is planning a mini blog series that details ALL the data behind feeding and raising our now 14-month old Kaia Pookie. 

And that’s a wrap for my breastfeeding / pumping journey. It was a wild ride, but one I’ll always be grateful for.

Hand foot mouth disease, seriously?

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Chris convinced me to go make an appointment for urgent care, so I saw a doctor this afternoon. Their assistant gave me rapid tests for both COVID and strep, both of which came back negative. I had noticed my throat getting worse this morning, so I took a look at my throat to see if I could see anything. It was absolutely hideous: I had small white blobs lining the back of my throat and tonsils. It hurt even worse today to eat or drink. Even drinking liquids that were more than warm hurt too much. 

After examining me, and looking thoroughly over my hands and feet, the doctor concluded, much to my shock, that I had caught hand foot mouth disease (HFMD). I didn’t even realize that I was also developing tiny red lesions all over my fingertips, but she caught them. It’s a viral illness, so I’d just have to let it run its course. But it was super painful and miserable. I always thought that having Kaia at home with a nanny would prevent her from getting it. But since she was exposed to other kids at the playroom, one of which is in daycare, I guess it was inevitable she’d get it at some point and pass it to me. I finally realized that the tiny red dots around her mouth were actually HFM. At least she didn’t have it too bad, as it lasted about three days and was mostly just a fever for her. Unfortunately, I have not been so lucky. 

Adverse reaction to skincare products

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I’ve never considered myself to have sensitive skin. I’ve always thought I had normal to oily skin, especially in my T-Zone area, where it tends to get very shiny about a few hours after I wash my face. When I got pregnant, I stopped using any retinol or beta hydroxy acid (BHA) products because they’re supposed to get into your blood stream, which could either affect your growing baby or your breast milk. So since 2021, I haven’t used any BHA products. Now that I’m close to fully weaning off of breastfeeding, I figured I could start using my BHA serums again. So I whipped out a Farmacy brand BHA serum this past weekend, and without thinking, I slathered it all over my face, neck, and chest. It’s been suggested that when you introduce a new skin product that has “powerful” ingredients, you should be conservative and test it on just a small patch of skin to ensure no adverse reactions. Well, I never had to do that before, so I clearly wasn’t going to do it this time. The next morning, I woke up feeling itchy and sore from my face down to my chest. I looked in the mirror and realized that I had tiny red bumps ALL over my neck and chest where I applied the serum. My face had tiny bumps on my forehead, and the texture of my face suddenly felt super leathery.

What the heck happened to my skin in the last two years that I suddenly cannot handle higher percentages of BHA? Or is it just that this product had expired? Every morning for the last few mornings now, I feel like my skin is burning when I wake up. I need my skin to get back to normal and stop feeling like I tried to burn it all off.

When baby led weaning really pays off

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Kaia is just a few days shy of 14 months of age. She has about 7-8 teeth in the front, and in the last month, I’ve really noticed how adept she’s gotten at biting and tearing food, especially bread and vegetables. On Sunday, when I roasted brussel sprouts, I was cutting the sprout halves for her, assuming it would be easier to eat, but she rejected them. So I changed it up and instead just gave her whole halves. I figured she was advanced enough to handle this shape, even for the smaller sprouts, so why not try it now? And what did she do? She picked up a brussel sprout half, started pulling individual leaves and shoving them into her mouth. And when a sprout got to be about half the original size, she started tearing it with her front teeth to bite. I had this moment of pride just bursting out of my chest, and I felt so proud to watch my sweet baby developing her eating skills.

And well, that was tempered by her a couple meals later, when she decided she wanted nothing to do with the brussel sprouts. In the baby/toddler eating world, you win some, and ya lose some.

And after an afternoon in the playroom, a 104 F fever

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When we go in for check-ups at the pediatrician’s office, one of the first questions they will ask when you sign in is if your baby is at home or at daycare. There’s clearly a different set of expectations for illnesses for babies in daycare vs. at home, and I think they just want to make sure to ask all the right follow-up questions. We’ve been lucky to have a good nanny and have Kaia at home; it’s kept endless illnesses at bay that we’re ignorant to, but have just heard of. Well, after an afternoon at the play room yesterday, today, after her mid-morning nap, Kaia woke up feeling quite warm and barely ate anything other than a few brussel sprout leaves and some blueberries. We went out to a bakery, and she seemed completely listless the entire time. We went home and took her temperature, and no surprise — she had a fever. It was 104 F.

THAT IS HIGH. EEEEEK.

So we gave her some Dymadon (Australian version of infant Tylenol. No high fructose corn syrup, wee!), and had her take a nap. In a couple hours, she was kind of back to herself and had some appetite. She drank plenty of fluids, and her temperature came down in a couple hours. And then she talked and moaned in her sleep all night long.

Babies are like walking illnesses when they are young, and especially when in daycare. Luckily for us, Kaia is a little trooper and handled her fever well.

Change the shape, and the Pookster will eat it

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I was determined to get Kaia to eat the sweet potato, lentil, and kale fritters I made. There was no way I was going to let her not eat any of them, especially after all the time and effort I put into making them. I figured the “finger” like shape wasn’t working, so this morning before the nanny came, I set Kaia up in her high chair and took the fritters apart, shaping them into tiny half domes and laying them all out in front of her. I told her what they were, and without any hesitation, she reached out and shoved one into her mouth, and then another, and then another, and bam! Suddenly, they were all gone except for crumbs (which, because I am frugal, I squished all together and had her eat, as well). The nanny arrived, and I told her that Kaia was finally eating the fritters.

“I knew she would eat it once the shape was changed!” the nanny exclaimed. She claims she tried to cut them up yesterday, but Kaia still refused to eat them. I guess we just have to do it when she’s not watching, otherwise she will know we are trying to “convert” her.

The best practice with trying to prevent picky eating is to constantly expose your child to different foods, even the ones they continually refuse just for the exposure. They cannot “dislike” food they are never shown. So regardless, even if it’s just one thing, I keep presenting them to Kaia in different ways so that even if she doesn’t touch the food, she will at least see it and know it exists. So far, this is working. It just takes… a LOT of time.

My baby, the true Chindian baby

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Since Chris had his molar extracted on Monday, I decided to make some chicken jook/congee. While I would normally insist on making this with homemade stock, alas, I am not always that lucky to have it at home, so I got a quart of stock from Whole Foods and “Asianized” it. After 15 minutes in the Instant Pot on high pressure and a little simmering, it tasted pretty good, if I do say so myself. And not only that, Kaia has really enjoyed having it as part of her dinner the last couple of days. Even though she’s only been exposed to jook one other time, which was when we were in San Francisco last August, she still clearly loves her jook. She cleaned her bowl completely both nights she had it for dinner. Our nanny said she was extremely happy with dinner both times I had her serve it. I also made some masoor dal, and despite it being a bit on the spicy side, she has eaten that well today with red quinoa. So while she may be wavering on certain vegetables and “fritter” preparations I’ve been doing, it is very clear: she is still true to her Chinese and Indian roots.

Baby led weaning – baby recipe testing

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Since Kaia turned 6 months old, I’ve mostly been doing baby led weaning (BLW) with all of her solid food eating. Although I have seen lots of articles, blogs, and social media posts about “BLW” food made specifically for babies (things like zucchini fritters, sweet potato/lentil fritters, etc., I wasn’t sure I really wanted to make any of them… because what if Kaia didn’t like these foods, and I ended getting stuck eating them, as Chris probably wouldn’t care for them? Plus, she would get more long term benefit just eating modified versions (no salt/sugar added) of what we’re already eating.

But then in the last month I figured, there wouldn’t be harm in trying to get different foods into her in different ways, and it would also be a little fun for me experiment with different recipes and how she could consume various vegetables or beans in fun ways. So I went a little nuts and I made three different things for her in the last couple of days: egg, cheddar, broccoli, red quinoa “muffins,” sweet potato, lentil, kale, and harissa fritters, and banana, chickpea, and peanut butter sugar-free “biscuits.” All of these recipes took quite some effort, especially since my food processor is quite small and not that strong (I’ve had it since I was 14, so that means this thing is 23 years strong!!). And when I was done making them, I felt quite proud at how they looked and came out. But the real test was: would she like eating these?

She took to the banana/chickpea/peanut butter “biscuits” right away. She’s happily eaten 3-4 of them every single day since Monday, as part of lunch and her afternoon snack. The egg bites she seemed fond of – she eats them but doesn’t seem to care when it runs out. And the sweet potato/lentil fritters? Well, she wants nothing to do with them. Two days in a row, and she just stares at them and swats them away. She will barely look at them, let alone touch them. Then she whines when it’s the only thing on her tray at meal time. What joy!

I might continue making the chickpea biscuits and will definitely keep making different combinations of mini egg muffins for her. But some of these recipes are just a bit too laborious to keep testing out to see if she’ll take to them. I’m way better off just giving her the exact food I’m making for Chris and me and seeing if she likes that. That will be far more sustainable in the long run, anyway.

When the nanny calls out sick and your entire family is either sick or exhausted

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Our nanny texted me last night to let me know that she likely ate something bad at the wedding she attended on Saturday and felt terrible. Her entire body hurt and she couldn’t keep any food down, so she would likely be taking a sick day today.

That’s just great, Chris and I both thought. This is exactly what we needed after a hellish weekend. But it is what it is, and we’d have to suck it up. I took the day off to care for Kaia Pookie while Chris went to have a back left molar extracted and chiseled away. It was an exhausting day of childcare, cooking, more childcare, and cleaning. At least Kaia ate better today and wasn’t as upset. I went to buy some things to make Chris some jook since he needed soft food, and I figured it would be good, simple, comforting food for all of us to have now. And when I checked my work email and Slack, I felt so overwhelmed looking at all the things I had to follow up on. I was NOT looking forward to going back to work tomorrow, already feeling behind, and knowing I also had an 8am presentation to do, likely with some challenging characters.

This is why being a working mom can really suck. There is literally always something to do, always something that you forgot to do or are behind on, and always someone or something waiting for you to do something else. And you really cannot have it all, all at once, ever. And when you have external childcare, it doesn’t always work out, and there’s really nothing you can do about it but just take a deep breath and try your best to power through it all. That’s why we just have to take it day by day.