Category Archives: Friends

Struggling with the truth of what I see

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I met up with a friend for a catchup at a cafe near Kaia’s school this afternoon. We recently celebrated her upcoming birth with a baby shower. When we met up, she was noticeably tense. I know she hasn’t been sleeping well due to the baby moving around a lot, plus not being able to find a comfortable enough position, which is pretty common in this later stage of pregnancy. She also hasn’t been eating well, as she’s had pretty bad acid reflux, which has caused her to vomit several times. So now, she tries to eat small meals instead of any one big meal at a time.

She was confiding in me that she was feeling a lot of frustration with her dad and sister for pushing her to get married to “protect” herself given the pending birth of a baby. They were giving her grief for not doing enough to plan for her and the baby’s housing and protection in the event her relationship ended or god forbid, if her partner suddenly died from catastrophic causes. Her sister had also insinuated that she was making a lot of decisions and living her life by going along with whichever partner she was with or whomever she was close friends with at the time. In the same breath, she also honestly acknowledged that she’s really struggled with criticism and not taking it personally. Though she recognizes that people do often give critiques because they want to help you or know you can be better, she oftentimes internalizes it and sees it all as a personal attack.

I didn’t say much to any of this. I just asked her questions about the context, how these comments made her feel. I am sure some of the follow-up questions I asked would also reveal my own opinion on these topics even if I didn’t openly speak up about it out loud. But it was a difficult conversation because frankly, I agree with a lot of the points her family is making. These observations her family is making has context because they are patterns she’s exhibited her whole life, and no one would be able to see that better than those who have been around her this long; I’m included in that small group of people. But there’s no way to nicely tell someone that they change with the winds, that they culturally appropriate or adapt the views or interests of those around them so easily. Of course, it will all be met with defensiveness. I also know even without her saying it that she’s delicate and cannot handle feedback like this. People like her dad, sister, or I who have opinions like this are just being “assholes.”

So, I’m just trying to be a good friend and listen and not judge. It’s not like my opinion matters anyway because she’s never looked to me for advice. You kind of have to wait for people to crash and burn on their own for them to see how the decisions they’ve made will ultimately shape their lives. It’s a hard and awkward position to be in, though, because good friends always want to help. But like in so many situations, you can only help those who want your help. I know this from experience, and as I get older, I have to keep reminding myself that people never change because of other people telling them to have to; that desire to change has to come from within.

Bestie’s baby shower today

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For the first time in 15 years, I took the Staten Island ferry today. Though I’d been to Staten Island back in May 2021 during my early pregnancy, we had rented a Zipcar to get around since Staten Island is very spread out and suburban feeling. I went for my bestie’s baby shower, which was being hosted by her boyfriend’s mom at an Italian restaurant there. I met up with a few of her friends on the ferry, and then her boyfriend picked us all up and drove us to the restaurant.

It was a really beautiful, green-themed celebration. A photo arch, endless decorative items, teddy bear stands, menus, baby shower games, and labels were all handmade by her boyfriend’s mom. It was a multi-course lunch that also included alcohol, coffee drinks, massive Italian cookies platters, and a locally made chocolate raspberry mousse cake, which was also of course beautifully decorated. Although I knew her boyfriend’s mom was into arts and crafts, it was really clear to me that she loved my friend a lot and spent a lot of time, effort, and money on putting this event together in her honor. This was truly a grand gesture in every meaning of the term. I felt really touched to see all of this for my friend, as she’s the kind of person who for the entire time I’ve known her constantly bends over backwards for everyone else she loves in her life. But few to none of those same loved ones have done much for her in return — or at least, I have not seen, witnessed, or heard of any of these things. She really did deserve this gorgeous event to celebrate her pregnancy and the coming arrival of her baby boy.

It was weird, though, to be honest to hear that she was having a baby shower at all. She took no part in planning it, as she was told to simply show up. My friend is the kind of person who has always vocally hated on baby showers, bridal showers — all the “frou frou” stuff that women are stereotypically really giddy and gaga over. Though she did play an active role in planning my bridal shower ten years ago now, she ended up not attending because back then, she was bending over backwards for her then-boyfriend, who had stupidly gotten into an accident and had both shoulders out of commission. So while I did press her and asked her if this was really what she wanted, and she insisted it was important to her boyfriend’s mom and would just be a gathering, I wondered if this was really something she wanted for herself, or if she was just going along with what others wanted for her. After being there today, though, I realized… she probably did want all of this. And she should have it. My friend was clearly so happy, touched, and grateful for all of this, and well, she deserves to be showered with love when she loves everyone in her life so much and so conspicuously.

I don’t really know what will come for any of us in the future. But I do know that I am really happy to have witnessed this deep love that her boyfriend’s mom has for her and see that she’s being treated so, so well.

Dining and comedy show night out with friends

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Tonight, we went out for a quick dinner and comedy show with my friend, her husband, his business partner, and the business partner’s wife. We’d never met the business partner and wife before, and although the meal and time chatting was quick, it was fun to be around new people and see what their life and perspectives are like. Unlike the last time we went out for dinner with Kaia and had a babysitter watch her, tonight’s dinner was really delicious. Jazba, which means “passion” in Urdu, specializes in regional cuisines across India, specifically highlighting street food in India’s dhabas, or roadside shacks. We shared a lot of starters and mains, with highlights being the haleem, a slow cooked goat stew with lentils and taftan bread; a Jaituni fish tikka; and a Goan prawn curry. An unexpected treat was that there were appams you could order as sides, so in addition to garlic naan and lacha paratha, we also got two appams, which were spongy, and fluffy. Everything was packed with flavor, and a number of the dishes had lingering heat that made my tongue tingle. Chris said that he liked this meal as much as he disliked the other restaurant we visited for dinner before our Guatemala trip. The only downside was that as is pretty much the norm nowadays, the meal was expensive; after all the food and alcoholic drinks, tax, and tip, it ended up being about $60 per person. And we were barely at the restaurant for an hour. This is just the cost of eating a mid-range meal nowadays that is not fast casual for dinner.

We broke into two groups because one of the women in the group was craving cannoli before the comedy show, and so my friend and I accompanied her to an Italian bakery nearby while the other three went directly to the theater. When we got there, she asked if she could get a cannoli freshly filled, and the guy behind the counter said that they don’t do that; what you see under the glass, which were pre-filled cannoli, was all that they could offer. So, she dismissed cannoli completely and opted for a lobster tail and some eclairs instead. As we walked out, she said that she refuses to eat cannoli that are pre-filled because you have no idea when they were last filled, and that it could have been so long ago that the cannoli shell was now stale or soggy. And as she said this, my face lit up. I think she is literally the only person other than myself I have met who shares this opinion with me. No one else I know has vocalized this qualm. I think we could get along food-wise.

My friend said later that this person. “is a bit too fancy with food — she wants quality stuff only!” And I responded back, well, can you blame her? Life is too short to eat a bunch of crap, and we need standards! We want food that tastes good. Why should we have to settle? I’m totally with the business partner’s wife on this!

An underwhelming dinner out on the town tonight, with a babysitting bill on top of it

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One of our friends has been hounding Chris and me for a double date night. He and his wife have his wife’s parents caring for the kids after they finish school, and the grandparents even take them two nights a week to stay at their home just blocks away. So Sunday and Monday are their nights to themselves, when date night out for them is on Monday. Monday is when they splurge and try something fun and pricey. They will make the reservations for dinner up to a month in advance. So while they have free babysitting very, very regularly, Chris and I don’t have that luxury. When I told Chris that I scheduled this meal out, he got a little sour with me and asked why we were accommodating their free babysitting schedule when we don’t get free babysitting. He also said that (even though he doesn’t work) he doesn’t typically want to go out on a Monday night and would prefer a night later in the week. Either way, it’s our first time doing “date night” with these friends after having a kid of our own, so I thought once wouldn’t be any harm.

My friend suggested this new “2D” Japanese omakase restaurant in the East Village, which I will admit did look gimmicky; it’s the kind of place that I probably would have been really excited to try in my 20s, but now that I’m in my late 30s, I just think it’s another restaurant. But the idea of “omakase” did excite me, as I do love sushi and raw fish, but we don’t really eat much of it when Kaia is around. And $90 for 15 courses did sound like a good deal…

…Until the “courses” came to our table. The first three “courses” came to our table on a single tray for each of us, and two out of three of them were borderline terrible. The first “ball” of raw fish looked and tasted like an after-thought, like leftover fish that they didn’t know what to do with, so they rolled it into a ball. The second in a little bowl was trying to be fancy, but it didn’t taste like anything. The third piece was just fine. It was the start to a miserable dining experience.

The rest of the 11 “courses” came on a single plate, all lined up, little nigiri along with one hand roll, which though they said they recommended we eat right away to prevent the seaweed from getting soggy, was already soggy and had zero crisp at all. The fifteenth and final course was a miso soup, which just felt like an after thought.

Our server was also pretty terrible. I couldn’t tell if he was either sleepy, high, or both. Multiple times, he forgot to bring Chris’s drink, give us more napkins, or more ginger as we requested. He also had to be nudged a few times to simply refill our water. Although I tipped 20 percent, in retrospect, I am not totally sure he deserved that.

We spent over $100 per person for what is likely the most subpar omakase experience we’ve ever had. Plus, once you tack on the inevitable babysitting bill of about $80-100, that is a really, really expensive night out. Granted, omakase dining experiences in New York have only gotten more and more expensive. Many of them are over $300+ per person now. While the company was good tonight, and we had a reasonably fun time out with our friends, I promised Chris that if we go out with them again that I’d do a more careful vetting of the chosen restaurant to ensure that it’s something that’s really worth paying for, as well as paying for babysitting on top of that. He was venting about how “not worth it” this meal was. I agreed with him. But alas, we can’t dwell on the past anymore. It’s literally a sunk cost now!

Puddle jumpers, pool dates, and arguing over the push of a button

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As part of a Buy Nothing group bundle several months ago, I was gifted a puddle jumper. I actually wasn’t sure what a “puddle jumper” was until I received the item. It’s essentially a floating device for a young toddler that has straps that snap around the child’s back, as well as floaty pieces that you ring through their arms. I figured this would actually be great for Kaia to use when she’s in our building pool. It would also mean that when Chris and I take her into the pool, we wouldn’t have to hold her 100 percent of the time, which would actually be a bit more relaxing and freeing for us.

Today, we had a planned play date at our building pool with a neighbor and her similarly aged son. Two times ago when we saw them, it was actually also in the pool where he had his own puddle jumper on, and it was clear he was obsessed with it. So I figured Kaia would enjoy using it knowing her little friend had one on, too. She was excited to have a play date and was eager to go up to the pool to see her friend. But they were running late, and she didn’t want to go into the pool before her friend arrived. So she watched me swim a couple laps as we waited for them to join us. She insisted she would not come in… and finally I convinced her to come into the pool with me and to put on the puddle jumper. She resisted initially, yelling and attempting to swat me away, but I was able to get it on. And then, when we got into the pool, she was holding onto me with a near death grip, refusing to let go of me and feel herself float. When our friends arrived, the little one was so eager that he stepped down two steps in the pool and jumped right in! It made sense, as his mom told me that they try to take him into the pool (with the puddle jumper on) at least once a week, so he is absolutely obsessed with the water and fearless. At that moment, Kaia got super excited, pushed me away from her, and said she wanted to swim by herself. I guess all the kids really need is some peer influence/pressure, and they will do as they do (which is actually what I wanted all along). Every time she saw her friend jump into the pool, she wanted to jump in again and again with her puddle jumper on.

Eventually, it was time to go, so we all rode the elevator down together. The first floor we reached was ours, and the two kids fought over who was going to push our floor button. Kaia eventually won, which resulted in a huge melt down from her little friend, who buried his face into his mom’s crotch as she laughed hysterically. And as we exited the elevator and said bye to them, Kaia wondered out loud, “Why is Hugo crying? Why?”

It really is the little things with toddlers. And as hysterical and upset as they get, it makes it all the more amusing and funny for the parents to witness.

Handmade with love – ceramic mugs flown in from Seattle

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As someone who spends a lot of time thinking of what food to make and then making the majority of foods she eats at home from scratch (or near scratch), I have always deeply appreciated homemade, handmade things. Aside from food, I used to scrapbook a lot before Kaia was born. I also regularly handmade cards for holidays like Christmas and Valentine’s Day. The rare times I have been given handmade things, whether it was jewelry, cards, and Kaia’s hand-knit and crocheted clothes from Chris’s mom and cousin, I have always marveled that someone would actually want to spend their time and energy hand making something for me (or my child). We live in a fast-paced, fast-everything world, where people seem to value cheapness and mass production over unique, hand-crafted things now. Even the platform Etsy, which historically was founded as a marketplace for unique, one of a kind handmade items made by artisans, has now been overtaken by mass producers in China, Korea, and other parts of the world, touting the facade of uniqueness and artsiness.

Today, I received a package of goodies from a friend in Seattle. It included a few things she got Kaia and me on her recent Japan trip, as well as Rooted Fare black sesame butter (which I’d been wanting to try for ages), and something I was not expecting at all: two unique, handmade ceramic mugs her husband had made at their pottery studio to which they have a membership. While I love and appreciate all the gifts, I couldn’t help but stare at and move the ceramic mugs in my hands multiple times. As soon as I saw them, I was about 90 percent sure they’d made these at their pottery studio, so I texted her to ask. She confirmed that she actually did not make them, that her husband made them, since she was taking a break from pottery. I knew she had been going to a pottery studio, and I was floored that they’d actually share things they handmade with me. I just felt really touched.

I guess it’s my old-fashioned side, but I really don’t think people appreciate handmade items much anymore. It’s easy to look at these mugs and not be impressed; you can get aesthetically pleasing, reasonably priced (or exorbitantly expensive) mugs anywhere and everywhere now. But the special thing here is: I know these were handmade by friends of mine, and they chose to give these to me. And for that, I am grateful. They’re giving me a gift that they actually made with their own hands, and with their precious time. Their time that they put into these mugs is a gift.

And as an added bonus, they’re dishwasher safe! So I am definitely planning to use these regularly now.

When hosting becomes an excuse to make dessert

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I grew up in a large household, in a duplex where my parents, brother and I lived on the second floor unit. My three cousins and their mom and dad lived on the third floor. Until age 9, my grandma lived in the basement/ground level. We had 9-10 total people to share food with, so whenever I baked anything, whether it was cookies, brownies, or bread, there was always lots of people to share the food with and eat it. There was never a worry about “who is going to eat all this?” or “are we going to have too much sugar/fat?” because when you’ve got at least eight or nine people around, that food is most definitely getting eaten one way or another, and pretty darn quickly.

That all changed once I moved to New York and just had a roommate. We shared food only occasionally, but not always. It’s pretty hard to make food just for one person or meal. I still baked, but when I did, I’d usually share it with her and even my colleagues. The food had to go somewhere, and I would never want to waste the food. And even now with Chris, I can’t bake too much because we probably shouldn’t be eating that much sugar and butter, anyway. We’re also trying to limit Kaia’s refined sugar intake. So whenever I know I am hosting friends or relatives over, whether it’s just for one meal or for an extended duration of time, like with Chris’s parents staying with us on and off for about three weeks, I look at these as opportunities to make dessert: what kind of sweets can I make? What have I been dying to make for the last several months that I haven’t had an excuse to make?

So the short list for now looks like this:

Mango and coconut sago, maybe with coconut milk and juice agar agar jelly

Gulab jamun nut bread/cake

Brown butter chocolate chunk cookies (The Food Lab)

Lemon ricotta cake

Orange blossom almond cake

I was chatting with my friend about this, and she could completely relate. She lives alone, and she sees her brother a lot since he lives nearby. Once, she made cookies and he inhaled the entire batch in a single sitting. When she has friends or family over, it’s also her excuse to experiment with baking, especially since she’s more comfortable cooking and has shied away from baking. Yesterday for Easter brunch, she made egg yolkless tiramisu, which turned out really well, so this has given her more confidence to bake other things. It’s been fun to have a friend who is really into cooking and food and to have them around to share food fun stories (and the nightmares of the last several days) and know that they can empathize and understand your situation from experience.

Differing approaches to parenting regarding choking hazards

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Today, Kaia and I met up with a friend and his daughter, who is about eight months younger than Kaia, for lunch and an outing to Central Park. As we were getting settled in and after we ordered our food, Kaia asked for a snack. So I whipped out a bag of unsalted peanuts that I packed for her. I laid some out on her plate, and she started grabbing them and stuffing them in her mouth.

As soon as my friend saw the nuts on Kaia’s plate, his eyes widened, an apparent frown showed up on his face, and he raised his voice. “Wait, you’re giving her peanuts?” he exclaimed. “Really?”

Initially, I wasn’t sure what he was reacting to. Did he object to peanuts or legumes as a snack? Did he think it was unhealthy? Or did he perceive it to be a choking hazard?

“Yes… What’s wrong with peanuts?” I said, confused, handing Kaia more when she asked for more. “They’re unsalted, and they’re a healthy source of protein and a whole food. What’s wrong with peanuts?”

“All right, then,” he said. After I pushed him for his objection, he said he thought nuts were a choking hazard up until age 5, so even though most of the peanuts were halved, he still didn’t trust giving them to his daughter. I offered to share some with his daughter, and he vigorously waved his hand to indicate he didn’t want her to eat them. I tried to tell him that every child is different, and obviously you need to know your own child and what they are capable of…. plus, you also have to be comfortable feeding your child of a young age whatever it is they are eating. He waved me off, clearly not wanting to talk about this. He told me he knew of a kid in another classmate’s previous class who had choked to death on a whole nut. He cited another article he read about another kid choking on other similarly sized foods. And he said he’d only allow his child to eat a peanut if I broke it into a sixth of a piece. I think at this point, we were nearing the point of insanity, but I refrained from making this comment. His daughter is almost three years old, and I’d seen her eat far larger things in my presence. I think this level of overprotection was just too much, but again, I said nothing to contest it.

“I didn’t realize you were this cautious with her eating,” I said, still confused. “I have offered nuts to her before when (your wife) was around, and she was happy to let her eat them. In fact, she ate them back then! I think they were cashew halves.”

He shrugged. “Well, I’m not having any more kids, so this is all I’ve got!” I looked at him with a slight eye roll; yeah, because I’m planning to have boat loads more kids after Kaia!

In general, I’ve never really said anything with friends who have young kids when I don’t agree with their approaches or what they do with parenting or feeding. I never said anything when I’d seen him or his wife previously spoon feeding their daughter purees even though I strongly believe in baby-led weaning; granted, I am biased, though, because Kaia ultimately decided on that path. I offered her miniature versions of our food and purees at the same time when she was sixth months of age; she categorically refused the purees and leapt right into hand held foods and never looked back. I never said anything when I saw their pouch consumption be pretty frequent, or when they refused to let even a grain of refined sugar into her diet (at least, to their knowledge).

Parents have to make their own choices for their kids, and I totally respect that; but what I get confused about is when people think that I am in some way being reckless or irresponsible in my own parenting choices, or as though I am trying to put my kid at risk of choking and dying. I started preparing for introducing my child to solid foods before I was even pregnant! I did so much research, and I read so many studies. I coached my own child through eating solids from day 1 and watched and observed her like a hawk. Frankly, I am the reason she is the great little eater she is today. I know my child better than anyone else when it comes to food preferences and eating abilities. Kaia was hand feeding herself at age 6 months. She was eating hot spices at age 7 months. She was eating chicken off the bone at 7-8 months and navigating all the bones and cartilage at age 1-1.5. She was devouring pretty much every vegetable in her baby months. She was eating whole grapes at age 2; she started picking around a cherry pit at age 2.5. With eating, she has always been advanced for her age both in skill and in wide preferences for what she will eat. Food has for obvious reasons been a huge priority in my parenting with her, as I want her to flourish in her tastes and abilities with eating. So I think I’d be the best person to make the call on whether she can eat whole or half peanuts or not. I also think you kind of have to put your kid in somewhat challenging situations so they can learn and figure it out. When Kaia started picking out cartilage and bone pieces from bone-in chicken thighs and drumsticks, that’s when I knew that she could handle more “questionable” foods. Plus, it’s always with our supervision.

I am not a fan of helicopter parenting and strongly dislike overly cautious approaches to parenting in any form — food or non food. But hey, I’ll let my friends do whatever the hell they want — as long as they let me do what I want with my own kid.

Twelve-years-aged tangerine peels from my friend’s mom

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When I met up with my friend for lunch this past Monday, I was shocked when she told me that her mom had brought me back a gift from her trip to China. Over a year ago, I told my friend that I was taking on “old Asian lady” habits by attempting to dry a bunch of mandarin peels that winter. In the winter time, we eat so much citrus that it felt wasteful just to dump the peels out. One winter during the pandemic, I was taking citrus peels and making homemade house cleaner with it, but I eventually got bored of that. I felt like a better and tastier way to use the peels was to preserve them via drying for future Chinese dishes. In Traditional Chinese Medicine, aka TCM, preserved mandarin or tangerine peels are known to be a warming ingredient that can warm your spleen and regulate your qi. It’s supposed to help with dampness and disperse phlegm from the lungs. But in general, even if you don’t believe in TCM, aged tangerine peels give an interesting, complex, complementary flavor to savory courses, such as braised pork belly, beef noodle soup, or tangerine beef or chicken dishes. In a lot of traditional homely Chinese soups, a single peel or two can be thrown into the pot for an extra flavor note.

So, when I shared this with my friend last year, she told her mom, who I’d only met once back in 2018. I went to her house so that I could meet my friend’s then new baby. And since then, she’s shared lots of stories of what I cook with her mom and also showed photos and videos, and I guess her mom has been very impressed. She remembered this story about my drying mandarin peels, and so she picked up this individually sealed bag of 12-years aged tangerine peels for me and carted it all the back from China to New York! If you are not aware, dried tangerine peels get more expensive with age (the color also gets deeper and darker brown), so 12-years aged tangerine peels cost a small fortune here.

I was honestly in shock when my friend told me this, and I felt like my eyes were going to bulge out of their eye sockets when she presented the bag to me at lunch on Monday. I kept on staring at the bag and turning it every which way, admiring how thin and dried and deep brown they were, and even trying to see if I could smell some aged citrus fragrance from the sealed bag. I was just so touched that her mom would not only think of me, but even be so generous as to buy me a highly prized Chinese cooking gift while in China and carry it all the way back here for me. I’d only met her mom once — ONE TIME. And somehow, she has remembered me AND gifted me something now! I love a lot of things about this scenario, but I guess I especially love it because it is such a unique gift, one that not just anyone would appreciate. Her mom thought specifically of me, how I dried mandarin peels, and knew I’d appreciate this a lot. And I really, really do. I am beyond grateful and felt so blessed in that moment — not just for her thoughtfulness and generosity for someone she only met once, but also for having this friend who would have a mother who would do something like this for me!

“That’s my mom’s love language: remembering random things I tell her about friends or me and then taking action on it and gifting something related!” my friend exclaimed. “She’s bad at most other things, but she’s really good at this!”

As with most things that matter, if you know, you know #iykyk. And if you know, you know that 12-years-aged tangerine peels in Chinese cooking is like aged fine wine.

“Startling” laugh

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I was out at a Yemeni cafe having saffron adeni tea and Dubai milk cake with a friend, when out of nowhere she said that she “has gotten used to” my laugh. I wasn’t sure what to say about this and waited for her to continue. “When I first met you and heard it, I found it a bit startling,” she said. “But now it just blends in and I anticipate it now!” I kind of chuckled at this when she said it because I wasn’t sure whether she was saying a good thing or a bad thing.

I told her that I’ve always had a loud laugh, and that in general, people either love or hate it, and if they hate it, chances are high that we won’t get along or be friends. I’m not really one of those Asian women who, stereotypically as Chris always half jokes, “covers their mouth and goes ‘heeheehee!'” really lightly. People should live their lives as their full selves without abandon. And if you cannot laugh comfortably or fully, I”m not really sure you are fun enough for me to want to be around.

This comment, for some reason, reminded me of my one of my best friends from childhood, who is now living here in New York City. I think that if there is just one thing I love about her, aside from her general personality, it’s her laugh. When she is really laughing and finds something extremely funny, her laugh is the loudest, most boisterous thing in the world. She has a laugh that almost makes you want to laugh along with her, even if you don’t find said topic funny. And so when we’re together laughing nonstop about something, I always notice that there is at least one or two tables around us (assuming we’re at a restaurant or bar) that will turn around and look at us. I’ve never gotten self conscious about it or seen that as a way to police us. If anything, I’ve always looked at it as: we’re just here having a good time. And if that bothers you in some way, then the problem is clearly you and not us. Who gets annoyed at other people having a good time in their own respective space?