Category Archives: Friends

Sharing memories

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To date for this year, I have raised $7,382 for AFSP in honor of Ed. I have a couple of pending corporate matches, but I have fundraised more than I thought I would given the slow start I had. After the walk, my friends shared videos they took of my speech during the opening ceremony, and for some close family and friends, I shared the video with them while thanking them for donating.

One of my college friends watched my speech, and she commented on the part in the beginning when I mentioned that Ed would always lavish generous gifts upon me. My friend said she used to remember when we were in college, and the rare packages I would get would always be from Ed. I completely forgot he had anything delivered to my dorm, but once she shared this, I started remembering. I remember he was skeptical of the bedsheets and bedding my parents bought me in a rush when I moved into my dorm during my first year. So he found a free shipping code at Macy’s while working there to send a bunch of proper bedding and pillows to me that were to his standard. Given he worked in the domestics department at Macy’s then (for regular people, that means bedding!), he wanted to make sure I was comfortable and slept well while studying. Over the phone, he muttered that “our parents won’t understand that.”

I always enjoy hearing memories that others have of my brother, even when they include me, because they are not always things I remember. Or they are things I of course knew, but with the passage of time, I have just forgotten and haven’t thought much about. I also obviously wasn’t part of every part of his life, so I also appreciated when his church friends shared memories of Ed with me at his funeral, in cards and letters after, and also at his funeral meal. That really meant a lot to me; they probably don’t think it meant anything, but it painted a wider picture of my brother for me than I ever knew when he was alive.

Shared memories, as they say, are like the “colors of my life.”

What Halloween and trick-or-treating means is very different depending on where you live

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Halloween means different things to different people across the U.S. (and world). I have some colleagues whose streets completely shut down in the suburbs for neighbor-sponsored parties of bouncy castles, haunted houses, games, food, and drink. Friends in San Francisco go house to house trick or treating, with some of their neighbors even redoing their garages for a mini-haunted house experience. Some go to adult-only Halloween parties where everyone dresses up. Others go to different neighborhoods to see what kinds of candy and fun will be available to them. Until I moved to New York, I had no idea that high-rise, doorman buildings like ours did their own version of trick or treating: they would have participating residents sign up for their unit and time slot they’d welcome trick-or-treaters, Some buildings even do their own lavish decorations in their entrances and lobbies as I’ve seen a few times this year.

In the last two years, we took Kaia trick or treating just in our building. Two years ago, she didn’t quite understand what she was doing, but went along with it. Last year, she understood she was getting candy every time we knocked on a door and she said “trick or treat!” This year, when I said we’d go trick or treating on W 69th Street between Columbus and Central Park West, she didn’t quite understand what this meant. When we started leaving our building at around 4, she got confused and said to me, “Mama, I thought we were going trick or treating?”

“We are going, Pooks!’ I exclaimed to her. “We’re going outside, to 69th Street, to trick or treat there! And then maybe we can see some of your friends, too!”

I chuckled. It dawned on me in that moment that to date, Kaia’s only concept of “trick or treating” was just in our many multi-unit building, going unit to unit, up and down the elevator. Her puzzled face transformed into a big grin when she said, “Aww, okay! I thought we trick or treat in our building?” I had to clarify for her that there are many, many ways to trick or treat, and in our building is just one of them! This was becoming a real adventure for Kaia Pookie, as she’d never before gone trick or treating outside the building!

She got so excited as we got to West 69th Street and saw all the decorated brownstones and businesses; the entire street was shut off to car traffic with cops all around. She loved going to front doors and saying “Trick or treat!”, with pretty much everyone passing out candy also elaborately dressed up. (She avoided the skeletons, though, and was not a fan of them!). Her favorite was this guy who had spray painted his entire naked body, from head to toe, bright green; he was wearing white shorts while passing out candy. She kept giggling afterwards. “He’s so funny!” she shrieked to me after as we ran along up and down W 69th Street.

I tried and failed to get in contact with some of her classmates’ parents; everyone seemed to be running behind, and Kaia was quickly getting tired. We waited at the end of the crowded block for at least 15 minutes before I had to call time and tell her it was time to go back to our building. She kept saying she was tired and wanted to go back… but she also said she wanted to trick or treat at our building. So we hit every unit, and she got excited every time someone opened a door for her to yell trick or treat. And just like last year, she was not super happy whenever someone laid out a bowl of candy instead of allowing her to ring their bell and see her. There is one exception to this, though: one neighbor left out a massive bowl of candy, with RING POPS! Kaia got so excited. I didn’t even realize she knew what those things were. She grabbed two and started giggling hysterically. “I GOT TWO RING POPS” she kept saying over and over to the next floor.

Halloween this year was quite fun for all of us, though it wasn’t the group trick-or-treating I had envisioned with her new classmates. Maybe next year we can be more organized. But either way, the day ended well, with Kaia laying out all the candy she got from trick-or-treating on the rug and telling me which of them were her favorites. My sweet baby is growing up super fast… I cannot believe this is already her third time trick or treating!

“I don’t want you to come to my Halloween party!”

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Since preschool, Kaia has had many moments when she does not necessarily want her parents there. Sometimes, she insists on walking and holding hands with her classmates. Sometimes, she doesn’t greet me at all at pickup, shoves her backpack into my stomach, then keeps walking. This is all “love” when taken for granted, right? I suppose it starts at an early age!

This morning when Chris and I told her we were coming to her school for the Halloween parade and class party, she started whining immediately and kept saying over and over, “I don’t want you to come!” I actually came to the class 45 minutes early to help the class parents set up the Halloween party activity and party treats. So when Kaia was coming back from her other class and saw me, she immediately looked away, pretending not to see me. This is what love feels like with school-aged kids, eh?

The Halloween parade and party were a lot of fun; I got to meet some parents of Kaia’s class I hadn’t previously met, and we got to chat and get to know each other. I even had a pretty lengthy discussion with one of the classmates’ grandparents, who was in town visiting from Singapore. She got so excited when I not only told her that we are planning to go to Singapore at the end of the year, but also when she realized I could speak Chinese (the other parents volunteering don’t speak Chinese). So I had some unexpected time practicing my basic Mandarin. That was a bonus for me. I had a quick chat with Kaia’s homeroom (Chinese) teacher, who told me that Kaia’s focus on Chinese stroke was improving a lot in the last couple weeks; this was news to me, I told her, because every night of doing homework was a cry fest and a repeat shouting of “I don’t like homework! I don’t like it!” in both English and Chinese!

A friend of mine also came to see Kaia for the class party, and then afterwards when after-care started, we went to catch up at a nearby cafe. This was when Kaia suddenly wanted her parents: I went over to her to tell her I was going out with my friend and that I’d pick her up in a couple hours. Chris was already out the door at that point. Kaia grabbed my leg and suddenly said she wanted to come with us with her big sad puppy-dog eyes. The teachers ended up having to console her and gently pull her off my leg…

So, that’s love from your kindergartener. They want you when they want you, and when they don’t want you, they… ignore you and pretend you don’t exist. Love comes in many forms, as I am constantly reminded….

Gratitude for friendship

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The older you get, the harder it is to make friends. The odd thing is that I’ve probably made more friends since the pandemic than before that in my entire time in New York City. Part of it was because I was just more intentional about finding qualities I liked in people and pursuing them (almost like platonic dating).

Fundraising for AFSP has oftentimes felt like a just-me endeavor. I’ve been lucky to have friends come join me at the walk some years. Chris has always accompanied me. Since Kaia has been around, she’s been dragged against her will. This year, I had three friends join the walk; two of them even recorded my speech, which has enabled me to share this with friends, family and colleagues. The fact that I have friends who care enough to come to this walk with me at all show me that the best people in your life will show up for you when it really matters.

I have a more distant friend who has donated every single year. And with her donation, she always writes me a really sweet, heartfelt note. This is part of what she wrote me this year:

“Each year, you find a way to capture the lingering effects of the loss of a sibling to suicide. Each year, the story is a little different as your life evolves, as your child’s life evolves, and yet the empty place in your heart left by Ed’s tragic death remains. It is not static, but changes shape and form as the things in your life show you all the different angles from which his light could have shined brightly. We see in our mind’s eye the Ed that might have been, the proud brother, the doting uncle, maybe even the fellow parent?

When I first began donating, I did it mostly for your sake, and the horror I felt regarding the way others in your family reacted. It is truly as you say: Silence and stigma help no one! My psychiatrist says, though it’s hard to witness, their reaction is not uncommon. What a wonderful contrast we have in you, and in the whole “Out of Darkness” concept.

Now I feel that I donate for you AND for Ed. Each year your portrait of him, painted with your heart, has made this person I never met more and more dear to me, and I look forward to spending this time with him through your words. I’m knowing him as he was, but also who he IS, as he lives again through your words and actions. What a man he must be, to inspire such loyalty in his sister!”

How lucky I am to have friends who not only show up for me, but also take the time to write such thoughtful messages.

Back to back kids events in a single day

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We were invited to a joint birthday party of Kaia’s classmates today, so we knew we would take her. But then her school also decided to host a Halloween fest later in the afternoon, and we thought it would be good for community building (and for Kaia) if we went to both. It seemed like a lot for us, and highly unusual given our usual Saturdays, but we do things to make our child happy, right? The birthday party would be at a large kids indoor play space from 11:30-2:30; the school’s Halloween fest would be held just blocks away from us from 3-5pm. Time was tight. And I told Chris that I was always envious of other friends with kids and how they attended preschools and schools with a strong sense of community/friendship. I wanted that, too. So now that I have it, I should take advantage of it by going to most of these events that I am here for, right?

“Well, there goes my Saturday,” Chris grumbled as Friday approached and he knew we would be forgoing our usual Saturday food crawl.

He doesn’t really mean to grumble, though. Chris enjoys socializing, and we have a pretty decent group of parents in our kindergarten class. We’re still getting to know everyone and their personalities. We’re also still discovering who we get along better with than others.

I would say that almost two months into being at this school and interacting with the parents in our class I have met, I have definitely identified people I jive with more than others. There are the people who are very thoughtful and insightful; some seem to have views and perspectives that mirror ours; some are more analytical (and anal) than others; some show they are always thinking about how others perceive them; some are trying to get into higher level parents association positions at the school; some are trying to do everything within their power to increase the school’s enrollment; one is definitely a complainer all around. So far, it’s a good mix of parents and it feels comfortable.

In the meantime, Kaia seems to be identifying friends who are her favorites or “best friends,” though, and sometimes, they change by the day. It sounds like a typical girl thing of this age range. Chris got her this book from a used book store last week called The Invisible Boy, and with its theme, we’re trying to teach her to try to be friends and play with everyone. You never know who you might get along with unless you branch out. (Adults are a different story, but hey, she’s not even five yet!).

Line up, line up!

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Kaia has really been immersed in Chinese since she started at her current school. Sometimes, she tells me what she’s learning and what things mean, even when I don’t ask. I never formally learned any Mandarin Chinese until college, so a lot of the seemingly basic, kindergarten-level things she’s learning are things I never learned myself. But because I did study it, I pick up a lot of these things simply based on context. For example, she kept saying that they often do work in small groups; she never explicitly said that. But she did say, “G and I are in B 组 (zǔ); but C and M are in A 组 (zǔ).” Based that, it’s clear to me that 组 (zǔ) means team or small group.

While observing the kids at soccer yesterday, I also saw a few of them line up and act silly. As they lined up when going up the stairs from the gym, they chanted, “排排队，排排队，一个跟着一个排. That is “Pái pái duì, pái pái duì, yīgè gēnzhe yīgè pái” or, “Line up, line up, one following right behind the other.” There is something really sweet and almost magical about a bunch of kindergarten kids, chanting the exact same words in perfect unison, all wearing the same uniform.

I wasn’t very pleased that her school had a dress code when we first learned about it; it’s essentially a school uniform, but the colors for top and bottom change by day of the week. But now that we’re over a month into it, I will admit that it does make life easier. I don’t have to fight with her in the morning regarding what she’s going to wear; she knows what day requires which colors. She sees all the other kids wearing the exact same thing, so there’s no reason to whine or have comparisons. Because all the kids are wearing the same thing, they all match, and she does enjoy matching. And well, I do admit that it is really adorable seeing all the kids matching and wearing the same thing every day: it does make school seem more formal and serious.

Plus, as they chant “排排队，排排队，一个跟着一个排,” it looks and sounds better to me when they are all in uniform! Plus yesterday, they were especially matching because three of them had the same single braid hairdo!

Balloons are not sustainable

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Ever since I was little and never got to have helium-filled balloons for any birthday, I have always loved balloons (with helium) and have wanted Kaia to have them for her birthdays. I’m not a crazy mom in the sense that I have never filled an entire room with helium balloons or done anything that extravagant (wow, that would be expensive!). But at the very minimum, I like to get her a balloon for her age. She has loved them since she was 1, and she gets excited to see the new balloon every year. Playing with it gives her a lot of joy, and it gives me joy to watch her giggling and hitting it.

I asked the birthday party venue for their pricing on balloons and found it to be quite reasonable, and even borderline cheap for the neighborhood. I shared this pricing with the parents we’re co-hosting this party with. Thus far, they have been very easy going and eager to hear our opinions on everything. If anything, they seem to be deferring to us to suggest things and make decisions. But then the dad, who happens to be the co-chair of the parent association’s sustainability committee, messaged our group Whatspp to say that he doesn’t have strong opinions about much, but one area that he definitely does feel strongly about is that he does not want balloons because they are simply not sustainable. But, he said that if Kaia really wanted them, then he would just relent.

And there, my friends, my childhood love of balloons was popped in a second.

Okay, so to be clear, I am very well aware that balloons are not sustainable and are terrible for the environment; this is a fact. After they deflate, they simply go into a landfill. They are not recyclable… nope, not at all. Helium has its own controversy that I’m not getting into here. But we get a balloon just once a year — ONCE A YEAR. It’s like with things that are clearly bad for us, such as bacon: we don’t eat it often, just a handful of times a year at most! So when I saw this message, while my heart did break a little, I did want to respect his opinion and also let his opinion matter here, so I asked if we could compromise: instead of getting all twenty of the balloons plus the number balloons I envisioned, could we just get one “5” and one “6” (their son is turning 6) balloon so that their son didn’t feel left out when our daughter would have one? Plus, this would also save us some money by not buying more balloons, and who doesn’t want to save money when throwing a kid’s birthday party?

It’s still win/win doing a joint kids’ birthday party!

Visiting a kids’ party venue

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After exchanging many messages between the family of the child we’d like to do a joint birthday party with, we realized pretty quickly that hosting a party in our respective building lounges probably wouldn’t be a great fit. For one thing, my building lounge does not even allow children’s birthday parties in the lounge (talk about age discrimination to the extreme!). Their lounge fee is 25 percent more than ours; it also requires a mandatory extra cleaning fee that we have to pay. None of those fees includes any real help or coordination; we’d have to do all that work ourselves. It also wouldn’t include any kid entertainment. So when I found this venue in our general neighborhood that basically charged similar fees but included built-in entertainment (a large indoor play gym!), I thought this sounded pretty promising.

I was a little skeptical of the space, as the photos publicly available looked like those wide-angle distorted views that make spaces look far larger than they are. But when I went up there this afternoon to see it in person, it was even bigger than I expected! There’s a very large, open play space and a good entry way for gifts, goodie bags, and coats. From the open floor, there’s a stairway that goes up to a fun loft area that overlooks the play space. This consists of two rooms, one large room for the kids to eat and have cake, and a smaller room for the adults to congregate and hang out. I got a tour by the husband of the husband and wife team who run the place, and he seemed pretty relaxed, but also very informative. I took lots of photos and videos to share with Chris and the other parents, and I left feeling pretty good about this space.

I guess I found a little gem in the neighborhood I would have had zero idea about before. And this is all thanks to ChatGPT!

Planning a joint birthday party

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Kaia got invited to a joint birthday party of two classmates later this month. They invited all the friends and family in our entire kindergarten class of 20 kids, and it’s being held at a popular indoor play space in lower Manhattan. As soon as I found out it was joint, I thought this was the most amazing idea: combine two birthday parties so that you reduce the number of parties you require parents to take kids to, thus consolidating schedules, while also decreasing all costs by half. This is win-win for everyone! I immediately started thinking about who else has a birthday close to Kaia’s.

Then at the mid-Autumn Moon picnic on Sunday, a mom who has a kid whose birthday is in late November said she wanted to do a joint birthday because the costs were going up by so much, and I said I wouldn’t mind doing a joint one with Kaia. It would be Kaia’s first real birthday party outside of her class birthday parties, plus her first birthday that Chris’s mom threw, which of course Kaia cannot remember. So I said we’d exchange ideas and figure out a date.

It’s nearly a crime how expensive kids’ birthday parties can be in New York City. Space Club, which is a play space with multiple locations in Brooklyn, charges $990 simply to have a private room for about 90 minutes, and it’s 12 kids maximum. That does not include food, drink, cake, decorations, or goodie bags. It certainly does not include adult food. We tried looking at hosting in our building lounges, but that would require more coordination on the part of us as the parents/hosts.

The research and planning continue. I wonder where we will end up?

Autumn baking for friends

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I am always looking for an excuse to bake. I have an endless list of desserts ranging from muffins to cakes to tarts to custards to mousses to brownies I want to make that it’s nearly impossible to keep track of. They are in OneNote, my phone’s notebook, in my browser “favorites,” bookmarked in my New York Times Cooking app, saved in my Instagram posts; the whole situation is unruly and totally out of control. With just the three of us at home, it’s hard to justify baking regularly. Plus, as someone who is working on body recomposition, I think it’s just a bit too self-indulgent.

So when a friend invited us over for brunch today, I immediately knew I wanted to bake something autumnal. So I chose these spiced apple muffins and got Sweet Tango apples from the local farmers market for them. I wanted to perfect these muffins and ensure they got a good muffin top, especially after my blueberry muffin fiasco from the spring when Chris’s parents came. I was so excited to make them fruit muffins for breakfast, but I really messed up: not only did the muffins stick to the tin (which I ended up tossing), but they didn’t rise that high. So I read more about what causes muffins to rise and get a proper “muffin top.” After some research, these are the secrets: 1) after mixing dry and wet ingredients, allow the batter to rest for at least 30-45 minutes, and 2) blast the muffins in the oven with 425 F heat for the first five minutes, then lower the temperature to about 350 for the remaining time to evenly bake. The resting allows full hydration of the batter and the rising agents to work their magic to the fullest extent. This lets the flour’s starch molecules absorb liquid to create a thicker batter that holds a taller shape. The initial high heat blast in the oven “shocks” the batter into an initial rapid rise and sets the crust into a dome. And well, this time, it worked! I also didn’t make the same mistake twice, and I got proper muffin liners for my muffin pan. I felt quite happy when my friend’s husband looked at the muffins on the brunch table when I laid them out and asked where we bought them from. 🙂

Now that I got this right, I feel more empowered to keep the muffin momentum going. What’s the next muffin I am going to make?