Category Archives: Friends

Friends reunion and health scares

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Today, I had a midday meet-up with a college friend who was in town for her kids’ winter break. They came into the city to have a quick midday snack with me before driving back up to Boston. Her kids are obsessed with the American Dream Mall, so they visit about once a year during a school break. I’ve been able to see her both last year and the year before for dinner while I was in Boston for work, but both times, it was just herself. This time, I got to see not just her, but her husband and all three of their kids! The last time I saw her husband was before they even got married. And I was excited to meet all three of her mini-mes today.

The two older kids were very sweet and affectionate and prompted addressed me as “Auntie Yvonne,” giving me a hug, and making sure I knew how old each of them were. The youngest one was 15 months, and he was like a quiet little koala. This is my “go big or go home” friend when it comes to kids: she always said she either wanted zero kids or a LOT of kids. And so now she’s got three. And just before I was going to ask if they were considering a fourth (because this time last year, she told me she and her husband seriously were talking about trying for a fourth!), she told me that they are officially stopping at three because their number 3 child had a very tumultuous first 15 months on earth, with getting RSV at two months and rhino virus at four months; both required multiple night-long hospitalizations. And then just before Thanksgiving (and his first birthday), he started vomiting, and his stool was coming out with blood. They found out that he had intussusception, which is a medical condition where one of his intestines slid into another part of his intestine; they said the most common way to understand what’s happening is to think about how a telescope slides its way in and out. It was a result of having multiple back to back viral infections — poor little guy. And the only way to resolve this was to have him do surgery where the surgeons would cut him open and manually pull the intestine out of each other. Luckily, no parts of the intestine had died (this is a real fear if it’s caught too late), and he made a quick recovery. This little one-year-old was out of the hospital, post-operation, after just a one night stay! In retrospect, they said they really had it good: their first child never got sick and was super easy as a baby and toddler; their second child got sick occasionally but was also pretty chill. This third child, as is evident, keeps giving them one scare after the next!

I think about these crazy situations that can come up that are completely out of our control, and I’m just so thankful that Kaia has, to date, been pretty healthy (and fingers crossed, this continues). I don’t know how I could stomach a situation like my friend’s third child had — to think of a tiny little baby needing to be cut open for surgery just makes me want to cry my eyes out. My friend and her husband are definitely troopers in their own right — and the most fertile couple I am friends with, by far!

Perceptions of commitment and “wealth” in the U.S. vs. elsewhere

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A neighbor friend in our building, who I regularly meet with for play dates with our children, goes to France about three to four times a year for vacation. Her partner has family in Strasbourg, and they like to spend time in Paris on most of these trips, as well. She had previously told me that they usually just get an AirBnB in the same neighborhood because they enjoy it, plus she likes to have her own kitchen to cook with local produce and ingredients. I never thought much of it until today when we had a play date at Complete Cafe and Playground, and she confessed that she actually didn’t use AirBnB when she goes to Paris, but instead actually owns a pied a terre in the fifth arrondissement there. She and her partner bought it shortly after their son was born, and they generally are very tight-lipped about it. She said she’s shared that she has this second home with fewer fingers than she has on her hand (outside of family).

I didn’t really mind; whatever friends or colleagues choose to share with me, I leave it at that. I generally don’t care to pry unless there’s some very specific reason to do so. But I did ask her why she didn’t want to share it openly, or initially with me. I told her I obviously don’t look at her any differently. She told me that a) she didn’t want her employer to find out, because they may look at her like she’s less committed to living and working in the U.S. and may flee to work in Paris or somewhere else in Europe instead, and b) she felt a bit subconscious about it because she didn’t want other people to think that she and her partner were more wealthy than they actually are.

My neighbor friend and her husband are from France and Turkey, so I guess their mindset does make sense. But given I am American, I found it a little funny because the truth could not be more opposite from what she believed. Most employers don’t care what property you own, if any. I’ve known enough colleagues who own a second home far away from their home base, so I don’t see this as a problem at all. And secondly, and this is just anecdotal — I feel like when Americans are able to afford and buy a second home, no one is secretive about it, and they’re more than happy to share it with everyone and their grandmother. Americans love sharing and flaunting “wealth.” It’s almost part of the ridiculous American dream to be this way inclined. I just found this to be an interesting perspective.

Bonding over the mental load of deciding what to cook

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My friend who loves to cook and experiment in the kitchen messaged me yesterday, telling me that she was inspired to finally browse Mala Market’s website after reading about this chili garlic noodle recipe she wanted to make. The special Sichuan chili flakes needed for the specific flavor of these noodles had to be from this website, the recipe insisted, so she said she would have no choice but to finally make the leap and buy from here. She remembered I originally told her about the website around this time last year, right before the stupid President Dipshit tariffs got announced. I told her I made a big order from the site right before the tariffs would be official to avoid any tariff hikes. I had zero regrets because everything I got was extremely high quality and made all of our stomachs happier.

She said she felt like she had fallen into a rabbit hole with Mala Market. She would browse a page looking for one thing and then eventually want to buy five other things that were linked to that page. “There’s too many things I want to make!” my friend told me, laughing. “How do you decide what to make and when? And then so there are many MORE things to try out and make!”

“The mental load of deciding what to make, when, is real,” I lamented to her, also laughing. “This is a real struggle every day!”

“I think you’re the only person I know who understands this who I can talk about it with,” she confessed. “Whenever I tell this to other people, they look at me like I’m crazy.”

“And that’s why we were meant to be,” I responded back.

I still don’t know how or why it took me until November 2023 to find a friend like this, but these types of conversations always make my heart feel warm. She’s like my kitchen sister, if something like that even exists.

The growing Le Creuset collection

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I am now 40 years, two weeks old. For most of my life, I’ve looked longingly and with a bit of foam at the corner of my mouth at Le Creuset and Staub bake and cookware — you know, those glorious enameled cast iron dutch ovens, pots, and stone bakeware, all handmade in France, that you always see in fancy kitchenware sections and shops. Just the variety of bright colors would get to even the most indifferent-to-cookware people. Although I always admired them, I could never bring myself to buy even a single piece for myself. It felt like too much of an indulgence for me. I tend to be a lot more practical with kitchen items. So instead, I accepted a $35 Amazon Basics five-quart dutch oven from Chris’s aunt and uncle as an early Christmas gift in 2018 when they visited us, and I insisted to myself that I never needed Le Creuset or Staub anything. For comparison sake, a 5.5-quart Le Creuset round dutch oven currently goes for a whooping $435! So there’s clearly a massive markup there. So until this past December, I owned zero Le Creuset or Staub pieces. Hell, I bought a five-quart Staub dutch oven for our ex-nanny and never even bought myself so much as a single Le Creuset ramekin!

In December before we left for Australia, Chris presented me with an early Christmas gift: a Le Creuset 3.5-quart dual braiser and grill pan in a Marseille blue color; the grill pan also acts as a lid for the braiser. I was excited at the acquisition of this item, as it would be my very first and only Le Creuset item. I loved the color immediately. But I wasn’t sure how much I’d use it given I have most of the pots and pans that I use a lot. This braiser also seemed quite shallow at just 3.5 quarts, so other than pasta, I am still not sure what I will “braise” in it. But I knew I’d find ways to use it because after waiting almost 40 years, did you think I’d actually consider giving up my first and only Le Creuset…?!

Then we had the funny Shun knife debacle around my birthday. My friend kindly accepted the return of the eight-inch Shun knife. In its place, she got me a four-piece Le Creuset Heritage line stoneware baking set — one loaf pan, one fluted pie pan, one square baking dish, and one oval dish — all in Marseille blue to match my current braiser-grill pan duo. Of all these dishes, I will likely use the loaf pan the most since I make a decent number of loaf breads in a year. But all the dishes are sturdy, gorgeous, and heat evenly. They would all look beautiful simply as serving dishes. And they could easily reheat in different methods. I laid them all out on the dining table after opening them yesterday and just stared at them. I had the same feeling I do whenever we return from a Costco trip: I felt RICH. Once, I was poor and had no Le Creuset. And then, out of nowhere, I have (technically) six pieces! I am rich now!

“Maybe you can do this every year now!”

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I was telling a colleague about my birthday party after she asked. She saw the pictures and videos I posted on Instagram and was telling me how amazing the food presentation looked, and she said she wasn’t surprised I’d have such a crazy spread given it was my 40th. I told her I’d actually never thrown myself a real birthday party before this past Saturday; it took only 40 years for me to plan and host my own birthday party. I told her that planning it was so easy and fun, made especially smooth by the restaurant manager at Patok by Rach. And so she said to me, half jokingly, “So, this means that you’ll do a birthday party every year now, right?”

It’s not an awful idea. Though I would be unlikely to book out an entire restaurant in the next year or so for a non-milestone birthday year.. or pay for it all. But when I think about it, the focus would be less on the fact that it’s my birthday, but more an excuse to get people together. Whenever Chris or my friends would groan about things like bridal or baby showers, my response would always be that it’s far less about “showering” someone with gifts, and much more about just having togetherness, which no one does as much of anymore. Since the pandemic, people have led far more isolated lives, whether it’s because they live farther from people they care about, or because they simply have no desire to initiate get-togethers. Vivek Murthy, the former U.S. Surgeon General and an internal medicine doctor, has said in a podcast I listened to that the biggest epidemic he’s worried about… is loneliness. And it would be so easy for us to resolve that by being less formal or rigid about having our houses perfectly cleaned or planning get-togethers with extensive menus or programming months in advance; we can be more spontaneous with some friends and family and just lay out some crackers and cheese or pizza, and get people together just for the sake of it. And it would create warmth and connection just like that.

So who knows – maybe I’ll do something more casual and simple like that for a future birthday of mine if I am so inclined. It could even be a cupcake party — Kaia would love it!

The odds of getting the exact same birthday gift from two different people

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As the years go on, gift receiving isn’t as exciting as it once was when you were a child. As a child, getting gifts was what made Christmases and birthdays so sparkly and exciting. You’d always wonder if your parents, siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and other family friends would give you things you actually wanted (or never even realized you wanted!). There’s the excitement in the anticipation, then even more excitement in the unwrapping or unveiling of gifts from fancy gift boxes and bags. And then, you’d finally get to enjoy your presents!

As I’ve gotten older, I also have gained more power and control over what I have and own, as well as what I can afford to buy for myself — whether that’s everyday essentials, the occasional indulges through experiences, or true splurge/indulgent items (the latter of which I pretty much never do because… well, Asian guilt/practicality). If I really want something, I can just buy it now. I don’t need to wait for a special occasion or nudge a good friend or Chris to buy it for me. That’s the beauty of earning your own money! Plus, as I’ve gotten older, naturally I’ve just gotten fewer and fewer gifts. I no longer exchange Christmas gifts with almost any friend; I give some very close friends (and their kids) birthday gifts, or treat them to special (higher priced) birthday meals. We don’t really “need” as much stuff as we get older.

So when I decided to have this 40th birthday party for myself, I wasn’t sure what anyone would get me, if anything. I figured some close friends would give me some splurge-worthy items, but I wasn’t sure what. One friend got me a very expensive ticket to see Maybe Happy Ending on Broadway, which I very much appreciated. Another friend got me my favorite Burlap & Barrel spices and Rancho Gordo beans (how could I not have appreciated these?!). But then something unexpected happened: a best friend and Chris’s friend got me the same high-end Shun knife: my friend got me the 8-inch, and Chris’s friend got me the 6-inch. I was floored not only at the generosity of the gifts, but also: how the heck did two people totally unrelated to and unaware of the other get me the same fancy gift…?!

They are technically not the same knife because one is two inches longer than the other, but for me, they are essentially the same. Given my hand size, I am more comfortable using a 6-inch santoku-style knife for everyday cutting and chopping needs. So I felt bad, but I think I will have to ask my friend if she can return the 8-inch she got me… and perhaps replace it with something else splurge-worthy I’d normally never get myself. Maybe it could be a Le Creuset bakeware set? I’m truly grateful for my gifts, especially these really pricey ones that no one ever needed to get me. And I know the way my friend thought about it: she specifically wanted to get me a gift that she knew I’d never buy for myself, but would really appreciate. I’m so grateful and genuinely touched.

Friends for 29-plus years

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Three years ago when I went to my friend’s 40th birthday celebration out in Long Island, I found out that her best friend from business school was flying in from Texas for the weekend to celebrate. At the time, I thought it was the sweetest thing. It wasn’t a bachelorette party or wedding — that type of major milestone, but it was for a milestone birthday celebration. It seemed like a really kind, thoughtful, and generous thing to do.

In the middle of last year when I told two of my close San Francisco friends I was looking into a restaurant for my 40th birthday, one of them asked to keep her in the loop because she’d like to fly out to New York for it. And when I finally found the right place and put a deposit down for it, I let her know, and she confirmed she would definitely come. A month or so later, she booked her flight, and then we made plans for the rest of the weekend she’d be here. And she even treated me, as a 40th birthday gift, to see the Broadway show Maybe Happy Ending on the Sunday after my party. She came to my party on Saturday night. We had an early brunch on Sunday, went to see the show, hung out in Midtown and had yuan yangs at Urban Hawker, then went back to my apartment so she could spend time with Kaia and eat dinner with us. It was a really enjoyable time together that I’m very grateful for.

We’ve been friends for 29 years now. Along with my two other best friends, she’s my longest standing friend in my life. We haven’t always agreed with each other or seen eye to eye on things, but the amazing thing is that it hasn’t gotten in the way of our bond, of the comfort we have with each other. It doesn’t seem to matter how much time has passed since we’ve last spoken or seen each other. Because when we’re together, it almost feels like nothing has changed. Sure, most of the friends I’ve made in the last few years are very different from her or my childhood friends. But each person adds something different and special to my life. And that’s why we all have multiple friends and not just one.

It’s been a long weekend of love and gratitude. I’m just feeling thankful to be here to get to soak all this up.

Happy 40th to me

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It snowed today. I went to and from the Upper East Side for my makeup appointment in the snow. The crosstown bus was delayed getting there, but I still made it five minutes ahead of schedule. We had two spouses decline last minute due to unexpected lack of childcare for young children. Chris’s friend and his wife were supposed to come were deserted by their scheduled babysitter, who cancelled on them right at the time she was supposed to arrive. Then, his friend decided to come on his own… but made the mistake of going to the Brooklyn food hall location of Patok by Rach. He ended up taking the A train all the way up to Inwood and arriving about 1.5 hours late.

Things don’t always go as planned, but despite the snow, the fact that my birthday is right smack in the middle of Northern Hemisphere winter, and that cars and trains were delayed today, it all went amazingly well, probably even better than I could have imagined. I had so much fun at my party tonight. Everyone enjoyed the food and drink. I got rave reviews from several friends who had never really had Filipino before. The service was amazing by the Patok by Rach team. And we ended the night with karaoke!

I gave a little toast at the beginning that went something like this:

….

I’m so happy you could all make the trek to the very top of Manhattan to celebrate with me tonight.

Thank you so much for being here. A couple special individuals I have to call out: Rebecca, one of my best friends along with Crista here, since we were 11 — which means we’ve been tolerating each other for a very long time. Thank you for flying all the way from San Francisco just to celebrate my 40th. That means more to me than you know.

And of course, to my life partner Chris — the most loving and most annoying person I know — thank you for sharing this incredibly happy, lucky, and full life with me for the past 14 years. You may find this hard to believe, but I consider it a privilege to be annoyed by you every day. And I consider it an even bigger privilege to get to annoy you every day! 

Every person here tonight is special to me in a different way. I’ve met you across many chapters of my life — through work, food, friends — some of you just recently, some of you over a decade ago. And even if we don’t know each other well — if you’re a partner of a friend or a friend of Chris — you’ve brought joy into my life by making the people I love happy. And that makes me happy.

I’m truly grateful to be here, to have made it to 40. I know that may sound strange, but as many of you know, I carry with me the people I’ve loved deeply who didn’t get to reach this age, and I think of them every birthday — and how lucky I am to still be here, experiencing how beautiful and delicious this world can be.

So tonight, I’d like to raise my glass — to all of you. Thank you for the love, laughter, food, and meaning you bring into my life. Here’s to many more meals, thought-provoking conversations, and memories together. Cheers! 

….

When the evening ended, we took the A train back down with a small crew. We thanked the babysitter, and she went home. I spent about 15 annoying minutes taking off all my makeup to find several white heads on my forehead and nose — thank God I rarely wear foundation because this would completely ruin my skin! And after four hours of my party, I left with a very full heart — and maybe even a fuller belly.

A birthday kamayan feast planned

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Given I never had a real birthday party growing up, other than the one that one of my besties threw me for my sixteenth birthday, I figure that my 40th birthday coming up tomorrow will be the one party that I actually get to throw myself. I found the perfect restaurant for it, Patok by Rach, up in their cozy Inwood location, complete with a large tree growing inside and a kamayan feast. Kamayan is a traditional Filipino celebratory meal that symbolizes community, camaraderie, and cultural heritage. Large banana leaves are laid out across tables where guests sit, and the food is served directly on top. It traditionally will include dishes like pork BBQ, chicken inasal, kare kare stew, different types of lumpia, lechon (with crispy skin!), freshly fried shrimp chips and fruit. I’ve had it a few times before with my cousin’s wife’s family, as well as for a friend’s birthday dinner in lower Manhattan. I just love the idea of everyone being surrounded by endless food served on banana leaves, directly on the table, and eating and drinking to their heart’s content. That’s ultimately why I chose this place — not to mention the deal we got on this space, and to have the entire restaurant booked out, seemed almost like robbery!

I think every birthday is special because it’s another year around the sun, another year when I get to continue experiencing life and all that it has to offer. But I haven’t had a group birthday dinner since pre-pandemic. It’s mostly just been Chris, Kaia, and me in the last few years — nothing big or splashy. But this year, one of my besties is flying in from San Francisco to partake in festivities. I’m using a gift certificate she got me two years ago to get my makeup professionally done tomorrow. And we have a set kamayan menu for 18 guests tomorrow night. Kaia has her babysitter lined up. I’ve never been this excited to celebrate my birthday before now! Who knows — maybe I will have so much fun that I’ll decide to do something like this (okay, maybe not at a restaurant and pay for everyone) every year from now on!.

A happy surprise at the door: when your neighbor friend shows up with freshly baked goods and milk!

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Growing up, I always wished I had a friend who was just next door or on the same block who I could easily go play with. That never happened. Then as an adult living in New York City, I always wished I had a friend who either lived in my building or just a block or two away who I could see as often as I wanted, with as little notice as possible. For the longest time, I only had that once with a friend who lived about six blocks south of us. But he wasn’t very easy to get a hold of, and so that “ad hoc” nature of hanging out just never happened. We’ve been living in our current building for almost nine years now, and unfortunately, I’ve just never been able to make a real friend in this building until last year. This friend has a child who is close in age to Kaia, and luckily, they love each other. So the four of us try to arrange a catch-up about once a month when we’re all in town.

This friend remembered when we were coming back, so she messaged me randomly yesterday afternoon that she had done some baking and wanted to bring us some treats! So she stopped by and hung out with us for about half an hour with her son. They even brought over a half gallon of milk in case we were short of groceries! Kaia and her friend didn’t talk very much, but they did run around each other and squeal quite a bit to indicate that they were both super excited to see each other again! It was a quick and rushed visit because they had to get back to their home to welcome an out-of-town friend, but it was still so nice that they came to see us and came bearing edible gifts.

I love that I have a relationship like this now and that it’s right in my own building! It was so touching when she texted me to say she wanted to share baked goods and to see us even briefly. I know Kaia got really excited when I told her she might see a little friend later that day, and it definitely warmed my heart, as well. One thing that I haven’t loved about adulthood, or “adulting” as my friends call it, is that it always feels like everything needs to be scheduled and planned in advance. Yes, that’s necessary for a lot of things, but not everything. I wish I could do more ad hoc, spontaneous things more often with friends; it would feel a lot more fun… and frankly, more young. But I guess the older we get, the less spontaneous we can be, especially when we all don’t live in the same building or down the block from one another.