Takeout

For dinner tonight, Chris’s dad had a hankering for Biang, which is the sister and sit-down restaurant version of Xi’an Famous Foods. Unfortunately, they are located in Flushing (and I have since found out that they shut down in favor of a location in East Village), and so we told him that the next best thing would be Chris going to the Xi’an Famous Foods just a block and a half from our apartment and getting takeout. He’d get his spicy numbing fix, and we’d also tempt him with wine. Everyone wins.

My mom is in super jealous mode right now. She doesn’t like it when the in-laws come to town because it means I am spending time with them, not her. Last week, she said to me, “Is it really necessary that they come for a whole week? They just spent several days around the wedding time with you.” Can you imagine her making that same statement about herself and my dad?

“What are you eating for dinner tonight?” she asked.

I told her that Chris would be picking up some takeout. She responds, “Why can’t his parents pick it up and pay for it? They’re not working and the two of you are. It’s the least they could do since you are housing them and they aren’t paying rent or anything.”

Again, imagine if she said this about herself and my dad. It always goes back to the money.

Thank you cards

I can’t stand it when there are outstanding things to get done and I haven’t started, so I’ve already begun writing thank-you cards for those who gave gifts for our wedding. I’ve decided that since I did the lion’s share of planning for this wedding that I will write all thank-you cards for my side, and Chris will write all his. It’s only fair. Of course, I’ve already taken care of about half of mine, and Chris has taken care of… can you guess? Zero. And I want him to get the Aussie ones done before his parents go back to Melbourne next Monday, so that way, we won’t have to deal with international postage.

My mother as always has inquired whether I’ve begun the thank-you card writing and insists on giving me directions on how to address people and how to send the cards:

“If your cousins all signed the same card as your aunt, then you should just send a thank-you card to your aunt only and address all the cousins in it,”  My mom advised. “No need to give them all separate thank-you cards if they couldn’t even all give you separate gifts!”

“Mom, I already wrote them separate thank-yous. The thank-you cards were printed for free anyway at Wedding Paper Divas, so why are you being so cheap?” I exclaimed.

Mom was annoyed. “I’m just giving you suggestions! You can choose to listen to me or not! And also, make sure to address all my friends as ‘auntie’ or ‘uncle.’ You need to show them respect.” She really just never knows when to stop. I just got married, yet to her, I am still 3-years-old.

Me: “Can you just stop telling me how to do this?! I know what to do and how to write thank-you messages!”

Mom: “Why can’t you ever just listen and not talk back?”

 

“How much?”

Now that the wedding and all the hype around it has slowly but surely come to a close, we have now reached the next stage of pestering that I also anticipated from my mom: her interrogation regarding who gave what for the wedding and if it was cash, how much cash they gave us.

She literally went guest by guest for who she could remember, and if she didn’t remember their names, she went by the description of how she remembered them. She also made sure to put in some assumptions about people who apparently just “looked” like they were cheap or wouldn’t give any money or gift.

“The Korean couple that came, those are Chris’s friends, right?” my mom asked.

“No, I said. “Those are my friends! Why do you just assume these people are all Chris’s friends?”
“Well, you’ve never mentioned them to me before, so how am I supposed to know?” my mom responded defensively.

“Yes, because if I told you about them, then you’d ask me 500 questions about them all the time!” I shot back.

“How much did they give? They gave you a gift, right?” she asked.

“I’m not telling you how much they gave, but yes, they did give a gift!” I said.

“Why won’t you tell me? I’m not going to take it from you. I just want to know what kind of heart these people have.” Great. Now money is associated with how big a heart our guests have.

“The Korean with the white boyfriend… the one you used to work with at Efficient Frontier.. I’m sure they didn’t give you anything,” mom insisted. “And Chris’s boss… I’m sure he didn’t give you anything, either.”

I responded that they did give a gift and that she shouldn’t be making mean assumptions about people. The response was not good.

Mother’s commentary

My mom always has commentary on people. Sometimes it’s good, most of the time it’s bad, and other times she surprises you and starts glowing about some random person you never would have thought would impress her. Here’s an example of something that was comical and just went downhill.

Mom: Chris’s relatives are all so nice. His dad’s brother and wife were soooo nice. They are so friendly and humble and always wanted to reach out to hug me and talk to me. I like them very much.

Me: See? I told you his family is great. Everyone is so nice, even the people who didn’t make it to the wedding.

Mom: Well, the dad’s brother’s son… one of them wasn’t so nice.

Me: Who is that?

Mom: The younger one, not the one with the white wife (haha). I think he is the one who just got married in France at the wedding you attended last year.

Me: Andy?! You didn’t think Andy was nice?!!

Mom: Don’t tell anyone I said this, but your daddy kept saying that that boy kept staring at him and giving him funny looks.

Me: That’s ridiculous. You’re being overly sensitive.

Mom: See? I knew I couldn’t be honest with you. You are always so defensive. And we talked to him and said how beautiful his new wife is, and he responded, “Yes, I married her because she’s beautiful!” He is so superficial to say something like that, so shallow.

Me: WHAT? MOM!!!!! He was joking!! People say things like that all the time in jest! How can you possibly take that seriously?

Mom: I told you that you get offended too easily. I can’t tell you anything without you jumping all over me!

That was a real conversation. I’m not kidding.

Hanging up

On the first full day back in New York on Tuesday, my mom decided to call and yell at me, blaming me for my aunt, my dad’s younger sister, showing up to the wedding wearing jeans. Apparently, she had claimed she was sick (and definitely sounded sick), missed the ceremony and rushed over in her street clothes to attend the reception. She was clearly mad at me for not allowing her on-again, off-again boyfriend to attend, yet she had no hesitation about crashing my farewell brunch that she RSVPed “no” for and also bringing the boyfriend. Needless to say, he was not warm with me at all and didn’t thank us for brunch.

“This is all your fault,” my mom yelled at me. “This is what happens when you don’t listen to me. I told you to just let her boyfriend come, but no, you had to be stubborn and not listen.”

I told her that it didn’t matter and it was pathetic she was getting so angry about it. “I have no face; don’t you understand?” she screamed into the receiver. I said I wasn’t going to deal with this and said I was hanging up. So I did. It’s my mom’s nature to focus on the tiny bad things and get all angry in her delusional world. But now I can stomp them out.

It feels good to not care about my extended relatives and their selfish tendencies and made-up dramas. It’s also liberating to say out loud that I no longer will make them a part of my life.

Two days

Before the wedding period began, in my head, I knew my mom would get mad at me about something inane and ridiculous within two days of the wedding happening. And the sad thing is that I was actually spot on.

Two days after the wedding on Sunday, I called her to see where she and my dad were. The caterer was quite nice and packed up all of the leftover food for us to take home despite their standing policy on not doing this in fear of violating health codes or getting sued for people who could get food poisoning. I had forgotten about the food that the hotel offered to store for us in their fridge until Chris remembered it. By that time, our farewell brunch had long ended, and my parents had already left the hotel, so we kept some of the food and also gave some to remaining family members and some bridal party before heading up to LA. My mom was furious about this and said that I should have taken the initiative to reach out to her to ask her first. “It’s up to you to ask me, not for me to ask you,” she admonished me. “Why don’t you ever think about your parents first?”

Was that really necessary, and does that question really need an answer?

Cousins and cousins

The funniest thing about having the majority of close family and friends all in one place for your wedding is seeing what the dynamic is like not just in how they act around each other, but how you act with all of them in one place. Who are you going to spend time interacting with, or the most time interacting with, and who are you going to have the most fun and laughs around?

Having my cousins in the same place with most of Chris’s cousins was interesting and clearly revealed who I cared and didn’t care about the most. Chris’s cousins are like my own family, the functional family I never had, and they are fun and enjoyable to be around. I genuinely enjoy spending time with them and have had many a session when I have laughed so hard that my ribs ended up hurting. With my own cousins, I barely spent any time conversing with any of them, and they made no effort to talk much to me or approach Chris and me at all. In fact, my cousin and his wife and children who came from Redwood City barely said anything to us until I went to their table, and they left without saying goodbye or thanks for having them. My cousin and his wife and son in Brooklyn left without saying bye early… in fact, they barely said hi to me at all. They actively chose not to socialize with anyone and instead were all rude during the reception speeches, talking amongst themselves with whatever gossip and negativity they like to occupy themselves with, and allowing their children to make lots of noise without discipline. This resulted in a lot of glares from Chris’s aunts and uncles table, who actually did care to hear our speeches and came because they truly care about us. Chris’s parents later asked who those people were at that table and suspected they must be my cousins. I’m sure they noticed I barely talked to them at all. It says everything about how much we value each other.

The end of the wedding period is over and is sad because it was so much fun, but it’s kind of nice because now, I have no reason to be proactive or in touch with any of those cousins, or my dysfunctional aunt, who decided to complain about her estranged son and his children she didn’t know about to me, and also came to my wedding wearing jeans. As always, the world revolves around her in her head, even when her niece is getting married. Colleagues later commented that this was the ultimate way to disrespect me and my parents, but in all truth, I really didn’t care and dismissed her presence right away. I’m getting better at ignoring idiocies in my family. It’s the end of my relationship with family members who truly don’t care about me, and I don’t really think about much seriously.

He was there smiling at me.

When people say that your wedding day is one of the most emotionally charged days of your life, they are really saying the truth. On our wedding day, I woke up crying and feeling sick in the stomach because I knew Ed wasn’t going to be there. I texted my friend and bridesmaid, who came to my room immediately to hold and comfort me. “It’s normal to feel this way,” she said, “but Ed wouldn’t want you crying on your wedding day. He’d want you to be smiling and happy.” I sucked it up, put ice on my eyes, and had my hair and makeup done with our design team with the moms and bridesmaids.

When “Jupiter” played during the bridal processional and my parents walked me out to the ocean terrace towards the altar, we stopped at the top of the stairs where Kim, my coordinator, asked me to stop so the photographers could get photos of my parents and me staring out at the water and our guests. We stopped there for a few seconds longer than we were supposed to because when I looked out, the first face I saw… was Ed. He was wearing a suit and a tie, and he was smiling back at me. I caught my breath and blinked my eyes, and then he was gone; what I thought was him was actually Chris’s friend’s husband smiling up at me.

I know I didn’t imagine him, though. He was really there. He was really standing there, smiling at me and happy that his baby sister was getting married. I missed him the entire day, but for him and for Chris, my family and friends, I was so happy. It was truly the happiest and most fun-filled day of my life.

Wedding vows revealed

We wrote our own wedding vows and tried our best to customize our wedding as much as possible to reflect us and what is most important to us. These are the words and promises I shared on an ocean terrace overlooking the Pacific Ocean in Southern California today:

Eight years ago when we first met, it was certainly not love at first sight. But, it was definitely the beginning of an amazing friendship that over time, somehow evolved into a passion that has reached a depth I never thought possible. The truth is that before I met you and loved you, I always thought that in the ideal life partnership, two people would accept each other as is, and that was it. With you, I’ve realized how wrong I was. The rawest and most genuine love is one that recognizes your potential, is able to challenge you to reach that potential, and is ultimately able to encourage you to be the best possible version of yourself. It takes great strength, courage, and a lot of tough love to get there, but when we love, we face our fears, and we move forward in spite of those fears.

In you, I have found my best friend in every sense of the word. Your empathy, understanding, and optimistic view of the world and our place to contribute to it have inspired me to love more, give more, and slowly lose the cynicism I’ve held onto for so long. In my darkest hours, you’ve cut through all surrounding chaos and made clear your endless devotion to me and making my world a better, happier, and calmer place. You are not only my best and most loyal friend; you are my fiercest defender, my cheerleader, my travel and culture buddy, my food adventure mate, my taste testing guinea pig (even when my dishes don’t always come out well), my laundry boy, and my soul mate and inspiration.

Today, in front of our family and friends, I promise to continue growing with you, to encourage you to be all you are capable of being as you do with me. I vow to laugh, wrestle, and play with you even when life circumstances are challenging and hard. I promise to cook you fried rice and chicken curry stew, to rub your scalp with coconut oil when it gets too dry, to sew up the holes in your shirts and pants.. since you are inept at sewing. 🙂 But, above all, I promise to cherish and love you forever, putting you, my fuzzball, above all else.

I look forward to all of our life adventures together as we grow older, have a family, and contribute to this world we share together. My world is a brighter place with you in it. Thank you for loving and believing in me.

 

Welcome and rehearsal dinner

Tonight, we welcomed our friends and family to a welcome and rehearsal dinner to kick off our wedding celebration. I was insistent that the food be Vietnamese and found a place within 30-minute driving distance that was a sister restaurant of a well-known restaurant in the Westminster area. It was authentic Vietnamese flavors with a modern take, and lots of fresh flavors and ingredients. I wanted everyone to know why we chose Vietnamese food, why I wore an ao dai, and a little more about our thoughts about my heritage, so I gave this short speech toward the end of dinner to honor my mom and her heritage:
Hi everyone – Are you all enjoying the food? Thanks so much for traveling from all over the world to be here with us this long weekend to celebrate our wedding. It really does mean so much to us, and we’re overwhelmed with gratitude knowing that all of you spent the time, money, and energy to be here these couple of days. Every time an RSVP “yes” came in, we were more and more overwhelmed.
We hope you’re enjoying the food. I’m not sure how much you guys know about the LA and Orange County area, but the OC actually has the largest concentration of Vietnamese people outside of Vietnam, and being half Vietnamese (or a quarter after taking a 23AndMe genetics test and realizing my mom is half Chinese, half Vietnamese), I wanted to honor my heritage and that of my mother’s tonight. My mom has no idea what I’m about to say right now, so she’s probably getting a little worried, but what I want to say is that I’d like to use this dinner celebration to honor her, not just with the food on the table tonight and her here in the room, but also with my traditional Vietnamese dress, which is called an ao dai. My mother left a war-torn country in the early 70s and all her family to marry my dad and start a brand new life here in the U.S. Unlike other immigrants, she had no way to get all her family over here. In fact, she never got to see any of them again until 2008, when we went back to Vietnam to see them. She came here without any other family, was able to get the equivalent of a high school degree, and then an office job that helped to support my brother and me and put me through private college. She dealt with extended family, who frankly, did not feel that happy about accepting a woman of Vietnamese descent into their Chinese family. My mother’s strength and perseverance inspire me, and I’d like to let her know today, in front of all our family and friends, that I love her dearly, respect the culture she has brought into my life, and hope to mirror her hard work, perseverance, and determination in my own life and give that type of hope to our future children. Love you, Mommy… and Daddy, love you, too. 🙂 (Thanks for bringing mom over and marrying her.)
————–
Needless to say, she was completely embarrassed and caught off guard when she realized that the speech was about her. She turned away from me and started looking down and towards the opposite end of the room. She thanked me later, but I think she was still digesting everything she heard and trying to understand what had happened and why.