The Vietnam (American) War from the eyes of a Vietnamese person

In my adulthood, I’ve tried to find more books to read that would educate me about China and Vietnam, my father and mother lands, that are written from the perspective of people who are actually Chinese and Vietnamese. It’s been a pretty big mix of movies, documentaries, fiction, non-fiction, and perhaps one of my favorite book genres — historical fiction. It’s been easier to find books on Chinese culture and the Cultural Revolution. It’s been more of a challenge to find books that are written on Vietnam’s rich history (especially the French colonial period and the Vietnam War) that are NOT told from an American or European perspective, but rather that of a native Vietnamese person. Then I finally stumbled across a book recommendation in my Modern Asian Moms (MAMs) group called The Mountains Sing by Nguyen Phan Que Mai. From the first page, I knew it would be an easy read, a real page turner of a book. And oddly enough, it was just published in 2020, so it’s a relatively recent book. Some people criticize the book and say the language is too simple since the book was written in English, which is the author’s second language after Vietnamese (someone on Good Reads actually complained that he had to look up words in a dictionary only a handful of times as a person who knows English as a second language… because apparently, that should be the barometer of “complex language”).

When I say the book was an “easy” read, I meant that it took no time to get into the story. It’s actually a really hard book to read when you think of all the brutal portrayals of hardship, death, rape, hunger, and exposure to Agent Orange and its effects on not just the people it physically touched, but future generations; one baby born in the book (this was a time pre ultrasounds) was born without any arms or legs; she had a forehead that was three times the size of her body, and she died within seconds of being born. But it made me realize even more how flawed the western portrayal of the Vietnam War was, as it was nowhere as simplistic as it was taught to me in school. There were people in the North who were recruited to the Southern Army and vice versa. There were many people who were pro French and actually reaped plenty of benefits of French colonialism. And there was a mass re-education camp that was like a prison after the war, which pretty much everyone on the Southern Army was forced into. The land reform of the 1950s created immediate violence and destruction across all of Vietnam; people who were wealthy were stripped of everything they owned and many were executed publicly and brutally.

I thought about what my mom said about growing up poor and the contradictions of the stories she shared. Her dad, my paternal grandma, died when she was only 6, from choking on his own mucus. But he was a highly educated man who was fluent and literate in both Vietnamese and Chinese. She said in her younger days, her dad was a respected “high official” in government. What that meant for her family once the war started, I’ll never know because my mom doesn’t like to talk about it. I don’t even think she’d like to know I’m reading books on Vietnam or the war at all. She seems to want to wipe all that out of her memory, which is not unlike many others who lived through that difficult period in Vietnamese history.

There are two protagonists we shift point of view from in the book: the grandma in the 1950s and her granddaughter in the 1970s. The grandma says, “Do you understand why I’ve decided to tell you about our family? If our stories survive, we will not die, even when are bodies are no longer here on earth.”

It’s the stories of our families, of our lives that keep people alive. And though I’ll probably never fully know my mom’s stories of Vietnam, I’ll have sources like this historical fiction book for me to lean on for at least a glimpse of what she experienced.

Family and politics: The nasty gets nastier

People oftentimes wonder why politics divide families. I think it’s quite simple as to why: politics cannot simply be separated from the rest of life unless you identify with an extremely privileged and wealthy class. You may consider your politics personal, but are they? Your political stances reveal what matter to you as a person and how you see yourself in the midst of a society of people. That is telling of your psychology, your sociology, and ultimately how you treat other people in your life and other people you work with and pass by, and in the world. And in many ways, your political stances reveal your life view and your morals.

So when I think about my paternal grandma’s three living children, as in my dad and his younger sister and brother, while they are all very different personalities, they do have these elements in common:

  1. They always assume they know everything and are the smartest person in the room and want to assume you know far less. They can be pretty condescending and make it seem like you have the intelligence of a rock.
  2. They are all wealthy and are extremely cheap, yet all in their own ways.
  3. They are racist and really look down on Black and Brown people in general. My uncle is likely the most racist since he’s extremely anti-immigrants and has spent part of his career oppressing immigrants coming into this country, something he has truly relished and happily shared awful count-by-count anecdotes of during awkward family dinners.
  4. They are all right-leaning/far-right on the political spectrum.
  5. They all had a far less than ideal relationship with their mother.

My aunt and uncle voted for Trump in 2024. My aunt explicitly told my cousin she voted for him for her financial portfolio. I think she is planning to be buried in her coffin with her millions. I am uncertain whether my dad voted since he’s sat out the last couple elections, but if he did vote, it also would have been for Trump since he used to audibly complain about Kamala Harris as San Francisco district attorney.

When you do enough therapy, read about therapy, and interact with enough people who have done therapy, you find out that the majority of people’s ills can be traced back to one thing: their childhood and upbringing. My aunt and uncle hated their mother so much that they decided that they would hate immigrants and people of *other* color than Asian as much as possible. They grew up poor, barely had enough food to eat, and had to take care of themselves because my grandma and grandpa were always working during the day. They are deathly afraid of losing all their money, so that’s why they barely spend any of it and are all sitting on massive cash piles. So, once you combine the woes of a traumatic childhood with a poor education and even worser media literacy, it’s a disastrous equation when it comes to future politics. They will always want less for others than they have for themselves. They see the world as a zero sum game: if others thrive, that must mean I will starve? If others gain, I will have to lose.

My aunt told me many times, over email and in person, “One day, when you have accrued enough wealth and earn enough income, you will also come to your senses and vote Republican.” She admonished me on this topic many times, and I insisted to her that was unlikely to happen. While it may be easy for me or anyone else to simply vote in my own self interest, I recognize that as a citizen of this country and world that the world and this country do not fucking revolve around me or my family. We cannot simply vote for our own self interests, as we all coexist in one world. We all have to contribute to the world to make it a better, kinder, healthier, cleaner place. We have to care about our neighbors, those around us who are different and have less than we do. Because if we do not, then what kind of world are we bringing our children into – a place where everyone simply fends for themselves and we can no longer trust anyone? Who the hell wants to live in a world like that?

I keep seeing people saying that it’s hard to care about the world when you are living paycheck to paycheck and barely able to afford your rent and mortgage. Do these people think that Trump will make them wealthier? Really?!

When your mother decides she has an opinion on politics

I hadn’t called my mom in several weeks. The truth is that I really dislike calling her because we never have anything that is truly substantive to say to each other. We check in on things like health, my work, Kaia, and then… that’s it. The conversation rarely lasts more than five minutes. But it’s five minutes of inanity that I always feel either bored or annoyed by.

When I think back to all the conversations I’ve had and enjoyed with friends’ parents who I respect, with former teachers who I keep in touch with, with people who are a generation or so ahead of me, the conversations were always so fun and thought provoking because there was some semblance of an intellectual exchange, a discussion of ideas. On their part, they always treated me like my opinions mattered, like the things I was learning about and sharing with them were fascinating to them. They made it seem like they also had something they could learn — from me. I never felt like I was being spoken down to, as though my thoughts, opinions, or knowledge were lesser than simply because I was younger. But that’s generally how my parents, and especially my mom, make me feel on the majority of conversation topics. And the most ridiculous thing is: my mom is not educated, worldly, well traveled, or well read. If you gave her a copy of a world map and asked her to identify where the continent of Europe was or even where her home country of Vietnam was, she wouldn’t be able to answer the question. Yet somehow, she always insists she knows more about pretty much *everything* than me simply because she is older and “has wisdom.”

My mom is a Vietnamese American woman, born into a family as the youngest of ten children who was never wanted because she was the youngest and a girl. Because she was a girl, she was seen as worthless. Her mom (her dad died when she was 6) refused to pay for an education for her. She experienced the terrors and pains of the American (Vietnam War), married into a Chinese American family where the matriarch oppressed her and made her feel ashamed for being Vietnamese, and then experienced endless racism, sexism, and classism at her office job, which gave no opportunity for growth, for 26 years. So, while I do not agree with my mom’s internalized sexism and racism, I see where it all stems from. She has experienced so much hatred and oppression from White people who are “above” her on this so-called race ladder that she eagerly delights in putting down anyone “below her” on said ladder who is Black or Brown.

After talking about a bunch of nothing on Tuesday when I called her, she asked me, point blank, if I voted for Trump. “Why would I vote for an incompetent, racist convicted felon?” I responded.

“Why would you vote for that idiot Black lady and not Trump?” she retorted back. My mom doesn’t vote and has never cast a single vote in her entire time being American. And frankly, given how little she knows, it may actually be better she does not vote.

“You know, she’s not an idiot. And why do you have to be so racist and call her an ‘idiot Black lady’?” I said back, as calmly as I could.

“Why can’t I call the Black lady an ‘idiot Black lady?” my mom cackled back. “She’s an idiot Black. She’s stupid. She does no good! She has no face now. NO FACE! What is she going to do now? Nothing! Trump won because he’s better than her! Who wants a Black running this country?”

I have oftentimes thought about the things I would say to my parents if I truly, truly wanted to cut off all contact with them and go nuclear. And in this context, what I would have loved to have said, but refrained from and simply told her that this conversation was done and hung up, was this:

“At least ‘that Black lady’ never drove any of her (step)children to suicide like you did. You are really the one with no face.”

I may not have said it, but I mean every word of that statement.

No Stupid Questions Podcast: When do you become an adult?

In the last year or so, I’ve gotten into the No Stupid Questions podcast, which is a spinoff of the very popular Freakonomics books series. Research psychologist Angela Lee Duckworth and tech and sports executive Mike Maughan ask a lot of questions, some that can, at a glance, appear to be “stupid,” and so they ask each other these questions and delve into them. Many of the questions are suggested by their listeners.

The latest one I listened to that made me think was on “When do you become an adult?” and how it’s been fairly arbitrary that 18 has been the designated “adult” age. Why shouldn’t people ages 16 and above be able to vote? Why can you legally drive at age 16, vote at age 18, but then you cannot drink alcohol until age 21 in the U.S.? They go through all these questions and the historical reasons behind them in this episode.

One of the things that really made think was what Duckworth called the “life history theory,” which says that these things that you think are just fixed, or are on some cellular clock, they are actually profoundly influenced by experience. There’s an evolutionary reason behind it: if you sense that you are in some chaotic, uncertain, and/or dangerous environment, you had better get to adulthood fast. “Get to adulthood, reproduce, and get the hell out of there! You don’t have a lot of time!” Duckworth says. Life history theory says: what if you have the sense that you are in a stable, rich environment where you will live years and years? Then you have an incentive to forestall puberty and whatever line you want to give yourself for adult roles. This theory says you can procrastinate on adulthood if you live in a secure world because then, you have time to learn from your parents, get more educated from your peers and develop skills.

This made me think about two individuals I know. One is a former colleague from my last company who was essentially the biggest child I’d ever known who was my age. Let’s call this person Amber. Amber came from a wealthy, prominent Bay Area family with all the resources and support you could ever ask for. Yet somehow, when she started working at my last company, Amber came across as the most needy and insecure 30-something-year-old adult I’d ever met. She was constantly trying to make friends with everyone and get everyone to like her. It was really confusing to me, and I kept my distance from her. But eventually, I found out that she seemed jealous of the role I played in the office. I was effectively the culture queen in the office and organized happy hours and gatherings, and she did not like it since she wanted that role. She tried to get people to call her the “office mom,” as ridiculous as that sounds. Since Amber was the first and only recruiter in our office, she was the land line to HR in our San Francisco headquarters, and she kept tabs on and falsely reported goings-on and “moods” in the office. I will forever and always remember this stupid incident that happened: She had the balls to report me to HR for not wishing her a public happy birthday message on our team Slack channel. Amber knew I had an office birthday list, and when I happened to forget to ask her when her birthday was, she got upset and actually reported me! On top of that, because I had recently co-organized a happy hour event for a departing employee (who left on awkward terms), she also reported me for being “exclusive” and not inviting her (even though 1) another colleague was helping me organize, who she never reported, and 2) I purposely didn’t invite her because I knew she would be out of town for a work-related conference). Instead of HR looking at this as some senseless, childish, and elementary-school-like behavior and dismissing it, they actually took it seriously (since HR at my last company was full of toxic, drama-instigating individuals who substituted activity for achievement every day). Our “People Partner” (what a joke of a title, by the way, as she couldn’t have been less of a “partner” but an trouble maker who abused her “power”) asked my manager to have a chat with me about it. My manager, who was relatively new at the time, seemed a bit helpless when he confronted me about it. It was clear he thought it was dumb, but he shrugged and said he was simply delivering a message that HR had asked him to share with me. In general, people at the office despised Amber; endless people would say she was childish, bratty, and lacked self esteem (one former employee who was on her way out said to me in disgust, “She is a child! She tried to force me to hang out with her after I left!”), but they were generally afraid of Amber since she was like a pseudo HR-representative in our satellite office.

The second person I think about when I think of this life history theory is a friend of mine who is currently on her second divorce. We met in college and connected over our love of Chinese language and culture, food, and travel. Throughout college, I got to meet and hang out with her parents multiple times. They used to visit at least a couple times a year and were so generous to take me out to many delicious meals together. We talked about all sorts of topics that I’d never dream of discussing with my own parents. They treated me and my opinions with respect. I’d never felt so intellectually stimulated by another person’s parents in my life at that point. I always envied her relationship with her parents, and I had wished my parents could be more like hers. My friend married for the first time in 2011, then got divorced around 2015. The guy was literally a clown, as he was a professional clown artist and apparently a bit of an unstable fraud. She got married a second time in 2017 (to someone who, from any outsider’s view, was the total opposite of her, morally and politically), had a kid with this second guy in 2019, and then filed for divorce last year. Somehow, she has dug herself into a hole where she not only gave up her house that she is still paying bills and mortgage payments on, but she is also paying for a Christian private school that she didn’t want her child to go to. Because medical related decisions need both parents to sign off on them, he rejected my friend’s request to get their child therapy for how to handle the divorce. Their child is struggling and hating the separation, and she’s acting out because she doesn’t understand what is going on. Her ex-husband, who is unemployed, is making no attempt to work again given that he’s essentially living for free off my friend’s hard-earned money. She is so short of money now that her grandparents, who are well off, are paying for her rental payments for her apartment that she escaped to.

I wonder about the two of them, though. Is it possible that both of them were so loved, so supported, so coddled by their parents and grandparents and all the money and resources they had, that they are basically like living examples of people who never felt truly compelled to “grow up”? No one wants their children to feel unsupported or unloved, but according to life history theory, we may need to find ways to instill grit in our children so that they do not feel like they have all the time and endless resources in the world to “grow up” and be independent. No one will really respect you when you are in your mid-30s and crying to mommy when someone won’t wish you a happy birthday. Few people will respect you when your grandparents are paying your rent payments as a nearly 40-year-old.

Matrescence: On Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood

I recently started reading a book called Matrescence: On Pregnancy, Childbirth, and Motherhood, written by Lucy Jones. The term “matrescence” still doesn’t seem to be recognized by the dictionary in the year 2024, which is quite sad and pathetic considering time has evolved. Matrescence refers to the state of a person becoming a mother and all that this transition entails. I first heard of the term in a news article my friend linked to me, which I think was in NPR, about matrescence and how it doesn’t get nearly as much research, news coverage, or talk as it should. My friend sent this to me as she was sharing with me how much her body and her mind had changed after giving birth. She said it was hard to describe, but the way she thought about things and saw the world was completely different. She expected it to be different after becoming a mother, but she wasn’t prepared for exactly how different her perspective would be in her postpartum state.

A lot happens to a person when they become a mother, both mentally and physically, yet somehow, we’re all expected to just “bounce back” in every sense of the word after giving birth. Children do not give birth to themselves; mothers give birth to them, and that’s a very wild and intense ride, and for some women, can even be traumatic. To this day, the 25 hours I spent in labor from beginning to end was the most intense 25 hours of my entire freaking life; I doubt anything will ever top that – physically, mentally, emotionally. IT WAS BEYOND INTENSE. It is said that it takes somewhere between two to four years for a woman to feel like “herself” again after giving birth. Unfortunately, in the U.S., you’re meant to go back to work the next week, in six weeks, and if you’re “lucky” like me, in the next 16-20 weeks. So who cares if you are “yourself” again!

A lot has resonated with me as I am going through this book, but what I wasn’t expecting was this excerpt near the beginning:

“During pregnancy, cells are exchanged between the mother and fetus in the placenta. When the baby is born, some of those cells remain intact in the mother’s body. For decades. Perhaps forever. The phenomenon is called microchimerism. The exchange creates what the leading geneticist Dr. Diana Bianchi calls “a permanent connection which contributes to the survival of both individuals.

“Cells have been found in subsequent siblings, too. If you have a younger brother or sister, they may have your cells.”

I figured that something would likely be left behind from my baby after giving birth, especially given the role the placenta plays and how that also needs to be birthed out of you, but I didn’t realize that my baby’s cells could stay in me potentially forever. Nor did I ever think that any subsequent siblings would have their older siblings’ cells in them. But that then made me stop and think: Wow. That means that I physically have some of Ed’s cells in me. He actually is a part of me, and in more ways than I had previously thought or known. I always knew that a part of Kaia would be in me, and I’d obviously be in her, but Ed’s in me? But it gave me this sense of joy and warmth, as strange as it sounds. He may no longer be living, but he physically is still living on in me, through cells that I got from him through our mother.

I think it goes without saying that I am definitely enjoying this book.

“Take good care of Kaia”

I can’t remember how long it was after Ed died, but I remember being in a room just with my mom in San Francisco, and she murmured about him and finally admitted some level of regret or remorse about how she treated him when he was alive. I remember her voice quieted down, and she said, “I didn’t take good enough care of him. I should have. I didn’t take good enough care of him. I should have taken better care of him.” And she left it at that. I was pretty silent. And she was, too, after she said, that. And moments later, she changed the topic. I didn’t say much in response because… what was I supposed to say? There would have been nothing I could have said to make her feel better. Plus, to be frank, I agreed with her: No, she and my dad did not take good enough care of their son. They did not treat him well. That’s a very succinct summary of how their relationship was.

On the day before and the day we left San Francisco last month, I remember my mom taking a lighter tone and voice with me and saying repeatedly, “Take good care of Kaia.” She also said, “She’s all you have. Take very, very good care of Kaia. Don’t forget.” And while I know she was trying to be loving and caring when she said this to me, something about it just felt eerie, as though her message to me was echoing what she had said just years ago about not taking “good enough care” of her own son. It wasn’t what she said; it was her tone and how it felt like the same message she told herself about Ed. But instead here, she was directing it to me about my own daughter, her granddaughter, and warning me that if I didn’t take “good enough care” of my own daughter, that my own daughter would fall into a depression and want or attempt to end her own life.

That felt jarring to me. Kaia is turning three this December. She’s my sweet baby, even if she’s no longer really a baby anymore. She will always be my baby. I’m trying my very best to keep her safe, healthy, and happy. I want nothing more than to be her safe space for life. I want that as her mother, but I also want it because Ed and I never had that with our parents, and I want to do everything in my power to do good by Ed’s memory and give Kaia the love and support he never had. I am trying my very best. The thought of Kaia Pookie falling into a depression is enough to kill me. But we can control only what we can control, and I’m not going to obsess or worry about what is not present.

Family reminders and life savers

Every time I come back from my parents’ house, I always feel like I need to give my mind and body at least several days to detoxify and de-clutter. The whole Marie Kondo idea of having a clean, tidy, uncluttered space to have a clean, tidy, and uncluttered mind is a thousand percent true. I never feel comfortable or free in my parents’ home, and it’s not just because of who they are and how they treat me; it’s also due to how much junk is everywhere in the space they call home.

I’d already tried over the last ten-plus years to suggest to my parents to de-clutter and give away things. While it did look like some random things were gone (like a tall broken floor clock that my mom took, BROKEN, from my aunt’s house up the hill), it somehow got replaced by even more crap. There really is no light way to tell them that they cannot take all this stuff to the grave with them. My mom says to just be peaceful. My dad has repeatedly agreed out loud to me that they need to throw out stuff… but instead, he ends up collecting more junk and piling it all on top of each other.

So I thought about maybe having my aunt or uncle suggest it in some way to my dad. I texted my uncle. Unfortunately, he also knows my dad way too well given they are brothers, and he told me that there’s pretty much no one who can tell my dad what to do or how to live his life: wanting to un-clutter his life will have to come from himself.

He did remind me that this conversation brought up the one, single time that my dad actually was not stubborn: it was almost exactly 10 years ago, in the fall of 2014, when my uncle emailed him to get himself checked out and insist on a stress test from his cardiologist. My uncle said, “He could’ve stuck to his stubborn ways and emailed me back and said there was nothing wrong with him. He never replied but went and did what I strongly suggested. A month had gone by when I emailed him again if he ever did what I suggested. That’s when he replied that his main coronary artery was also plugged and his two auxiliaries were barely passing blood to his brain and that he was going to have a double bypass on that Thursday.”

His bypass was in November 2014. I came back home for two weeks to be with them. It’s one of those times when I really thought, maybe, just maybe my dad and uncle could mend their relationship. My uncle’s suggestion is ultimately why my dad is still around and humming ten years later. But unfortunately, the romantic thought I had in my head was just that: a thought. My dad never truly expressed any gratitude or emotion to my uncle in insisting he move forward with that procedure. It always made me sad and angry for my uncle, but as my uncle and I both know: my dad is beyond stubborn and will always do whatever he wants regardless of the situation.

I am still not sure what my dad has done that has either been productive or made his life happier or better in the last ten years outside of that bypass surgery. But, given that he’s still here and seemingly healthy, I think he owes quite a bit to my uncle. I don’t think he will ever acknowledge it, though.

“No alone time to talk”

My mom called this week to vent to me. Predictably, she was annoyed we had limited 1:1 time while I was in San Francisco since I was out and about with Kaia and friends. So she used this time to complain about my dad, how filthy and unmotivated he is, how almost all their rental units are vacant. She complained about all the mice in the house, the lack of care being done to their own living space, my dad’s general lack of empathy and feeling around everything, including the recent death of her sister. “You think that when your sister dies, your husband would say things to comfort,” my mom lamented. “But no, he just says things to hurt.”

As though to criticize and defend him in the same breath, she also started preemptively saying that regardless of all his flaws, she still needs him to drive her places, to pay all the bills, to take care of the property (not sure what he’s doing in that regard, but this is what she said). She said her back is in bad condition, so she even needs him to help bathe her. But I insisted to her that all the excuses she makes can be taken care of; she can get a scrubbing brush to clean her own back. She can find and hire support online for things like cleaning or sending money to Vietnam. She just got angry, as per usual, and said I didn’t understand. I don’t have wisdom, she said as always, so I wouldn’t know.

It’s the same annoying conversation every time I come home, except now that I didn’t spend time talking to her at home, it’s a post-visit “talk.” And luckily for me, it didn’t go long enough for her to start criticizing me and my life and my choices as it usually does. I understand that my parents both come from places of trauma. They were both unloved and barely cared for as children. They barely had enough food to eat growing up and were both constantly criticized. But I always hoped that one day when they got to retirement, they’d actually start… trying to enjoy life. But as my therapist once said to me, maybe my definition of “enjoying life” is different from theirs. Maybe they’re just very content constantly complaining about and to each other and living in filth and squalor. Maybe they are so used to each other and each other’s snapping that to know anything different is to be in a terrifying world.

I know I am lucky to be in my late 30s and still have both my parents living, even if I am not close to them. A number of friends, former classmates, and colleagues over the years have lost one or both parents. But I always wonder what life will be like for one of my parents once the other one dies. It’s unlikely that they would die at the same time unless a freak accident happened. So how would one handle the other’s death? And what expectations would they have of me in that event?

My mom used to say that if she died before my dad, she would expect that I would quit my job in New York and move back to the house in San Francisco and take care of my dad. I openly scoffed at the idea to her, said that was ridiculous, and I’d never do it. She got upset, responding somberly, “You’ve changed. You’re not the same as before,” in a negative way, clearly.

I don’t know what the future holds for any of our deaths — when, where, how. But I do know that I never, ever want to move back into that awful, decaying house ever again. I call it that because that is what that house is: a place of constant decay where nothing will ever grow or flourish. It’s seriously in need of a thorough Buddhist cleansing or something equivalent so that anyone who chooses to live in a future iteration of it at least has some shot at happiness and success — however they want to define either of those two terms.

Happy 45th birthday, dear Ed

Dear Ed,

Happy 45th birthday. I wonder what you are doing to celebrate… another year not around the sun?

Guess what? I managed to survive the trip to San Francisco this year, and it was actually quite enjoyable, more so than the last one two years ago! It’s likely because I had very small windows to have one-on-one time with our mother, who would likely use the time to complain about our dad or me. But all in all, it went better than I expected. Our dad actually had small spurts of a minute here and there interacting with Kaia directly, after our mom would hiss at him to get off his phone (which he had, up to his face, almost every time Kaia was around), play with, and talk to her! Was it pathetic? Of course, but it was still more than I expected. Our mom took my words to heart when I told her that she barely spent any time with Kaia when we came two years ago and instead, always made excuses to go clean or walk somewhere. So this time, she actually did make an effort to play with and talk to her.

I took a photo of our parents’ yard. It looks just as awful, if not worse, than two years ago: completely overgrown, weeds galore, and turned over buckets and flower pots everywhere. At least Kaia enjoyed rummaging through it and searching for big sticks. The one tiny thing that my dad did to improve the room going into the yard was that he actually put in mini blinds (ugh) instead of those ugly black tarps used in cheap housing. At our family dinner the first night, our uncle was showing the family his flourishing orchids (you know, the ones our dad got me one birthday that he failed to take care of, so our uncle took them off his hands… and then now, so much time has passed that now, he thinks they were his all along. He denied that they were actually mine…!), and our mom makes these ridiculous remarks about how — of course he’s able to grow things in Pacifica because the weather is better there. The weather in Pacifica, as we all know, is the same or worse as in San Francisco. How about we just say what this is really about: one of them was able to put the time and effort into the flowers blooming, while the others didn’t and so that’s why they have the yard of shame? I didn’t bother taking photos of the inside of the house. I think the outside yard says everything about what inside looks like. It’s the house where nothing thrives or grows, just as that dream I had in my senior year of high school so clearly illustrated.

Our mom whined to me and said that she spent so much time cleaning the house before we arrived. I don’t doubt she did. I know she probably spent a lot of time taking care of all the bedding and cleaning the bathrooms. But honestly, with everything else, you could have fooled me. There was not an uncluttered area to walk in a straight line through, not even from the living room to the damn dining room. All table surfaces in every single room were completely covered. The few surfaces of my book shelf in the bedroom I could see were covered with at least a half-inch of dust, which I actually cleaned off (but they’ll never notice). She said our dad is filthy and never cleans anything. How did he get like this? He was once a minimalist and always throwing things away. And now, he hoards like the world is ending. Is this what old age has done to him?

Chris, Kaia, and I went to visit you at the Columbarium on Saturday. When we arrived, Kaia had to go to the bathroom, so Chris went to take her (with her little potty seat). And in those moments alone with you, just staring at your urn in your niche, I started sobbing. I felt so terrible looking down at you, knowing you weren’t here to see and hold and play with Kaia. You’ll never be able to see her, and she’ll never be able to see you. I felt like she and I had been robbed. It didn’t seem fair to me at all. You should be able to meet your niece and enjoy her company. Kaia should be able to enjoy time with her jiu jiu; that was the way life was supposed to be for us. And it isn’t. I also felt guilt I hadn’t come back to see you last year, but I honestly just could not stomach it as I told you. But it felt like in not coming, I was also abandoning you. And that made me think about all the guilt I felt about leaving home, and leaving you to rot there under the constant bullying and criticism of our parents. I’m sorry I was never enough for you. I’m sorry I could not save you.

I told Kaia it was your birthday today, and she said, “Happy birthday, Jiu Jiu.” She has seen lots of pictures of you. She even recognizes your face when I show her photos of you. I thought about going to the Golden Gate Bridge to see the suicide barrier this trip, but a big part of me didn’t feel I was ready to see it myself. A former colleague had messaged me about it late last year when the construction had completed. It made me happy to hear it had completed, but I also just felt sad thinking about you. Maybe I’ll go see it next year. At least that barrier will hopefully save other lives.

I’m getting older every day and aging without you, Ed. We were supposed to age and get old together. You’re eternally 33, and I’m 38 going on 39 soon. I’m not sure how this happened or why. Kaia will get older every day and not know what it’s like to know you, and that will always be something I’ll be sad about. Though I will do my best to have her know you as much as possible. We won’t ever forget you or pretend your life did not matter. You will always, always matter to us and live on through us. I love you so much and hope you are feeling peace.

Love,

Your little sister, Yvonne

Pandora’s box gets opened: the endless piles of letters from my middle and high school years

A few months ago, one of my close friends from middle/high school said her mom was cleaning out her garage, and she noticed that there were two boxes with my name on it. My friend retrieved the boxes, messaged me, and asked if I could take them back the next time I was in town. I remember asking my friend to store these for me back in high school: it happened after a very painful and excruciating episode of my mom going through all my belongings (even my electronic files on my computer) and reading things that people had written me, as well as things I had written. My mom even went so far as to call one of my friends and ask what she meant when she wrote, “I don’t know how you deal with your parents.” My mom never wanted to have conversations with me about life or how I felt; instead, she always went through my things and claimed that she had a right to given that she birthed me, raised me, and put a roof over my head. We screamed and yelled. I even considered suicide for about a minute. I felt trapped in that prison of a house. I felt angry and violated, and I wanted to remove anything that could be spied upon or read far away from my parents’ house and in a place where they would be safe.

Fast forward 23+ years later, most of these letters and their contents are completely meaningless to me. Though there are a handful of funny and sentimental gems, nothing here could possibly be “used against me” today. Though I will say: I am truly amazed at the sheer volume and quantity of letters and cards from a number of friends who still remain and are close to me today. After spending a lot of time reading and sorting through old cards and letters this week from middle and high school friends, I realize that I’m really lucky to still have a handful of those friends still in my life in a meaningful way. As life goes on and people mature, have different experiences and priorities, move away and come back (sometimes), have intense jobs and have children, people evolve and grow apart. Yet, we’ve managed to stay friends and make the effort to keep in touch. Not everyone is as lucky as me in this regard. I went through the piles and piles of letters, each organized by the letter writer, and I could not count with all my fingers and toes how many letters (and even more pages) were all handwritten just for my reading pleasure. I admired the cute stationery (ranging from Tare Panda to Hello Kitty to various other Japanese characters I no longer know the names of) and the still-in-tact writing done by endless glittery and sparkly Sakura Gelly Roll pens (one of our teen obsessions!). Some letters were painfully emo. Others were more on the mundane side obsessing over SATs and grades. A handful were so heavy with then-current slang and Asian ghetto expressions that I could barely understand what the point of the correspondence was.

Of course, I couldn’t go through everything; to save time and effort, I immediately discarded all piles from former boyfriends, guys who were interested in me, and friends/acquaintances I no longer keep in touch with. Some of the letters were absolutely atrocious to read (oh, the teenage angst I had managed to block out of my memory all these years!), but some of them were truly endearing and laugh-out-loud hilarious. In one letter, my friend wrote: “You are like my mommy, always scolding me and making sure I stay in line.” I laughed to myself reading that.

I also had some cards from people I had completely forgotten about: a good friend of my mom named April, who she knew from work, would regularly send me very fancy (for me back then, anyway) birthday gifts every year along with a card. She gave me beautifully wrapped and packaged gifts, things like wallets and watches, in brands I never thought I’d ever own. In one card, she wrote, “I’m so sorry that I am late, but happy belated birthday!” I laughed, thinking, why are you even apologizing? You don’t need to send me anything or acknowledge my birthday at all! Then, there were a few birthday cards (which likely came with accompanying gifts) from my mom’s former boss Chris(tine), who she got along with very well. And lastly, some of my most treasured (and all beautifully handwritten) letters came from my sixth grade English teacher, Mary Rudden, who I still think of today as one of my all-time favorite teachers in the world. She was the one who made me feel like I had a voice, a real talent in writing and expression, and as though I actually mattered as a kid. I look back at my childhood, and I truly credit her plus two other teachers for my general confidence and self esteem. Adults who speak to young children like their voice and opinions matter can truly help children grow into good, self-confident, well-meaning adults who contribute to society. These are letters that I am definitely not tossing into the recycling bin.

The rest got ripped up and tossed into the recycling bin. I re-read them, wished them well and thanked them for their place once in my life, and bid them adieu. I don’t want to hold onto the past… well, maybe just a handful of them.