Category Archives: family

Autumn in Inwood; and the “stalker” at the library

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Today, we spent the day up in Inwood, which is on the upper tip of Manhattan. The last couple of years, we’ve come up here during the fall, when all of the leaves are changing color and there are large swaths of gold, red, and orange leaves scattered all over the ground. We all enjoy stepping on crunchy leaves at this time of year, but unfortunately it has rained the last couple of days, so instead of crunchy, they were all soggy. It still made for some picturesque walking and some good photos, though.

After all the years of coming up here, we finally decided to enter the Inwood public library branch. Just two years ago, this branch was fully redone and renovated, so it looks quite shiny from the outside. We spent a good amount of time inside looking at the endless variety of children’s books, all so multicultural in many languages. I always think about this when I think about children’s books now, but the representation is so much greater now than it was when I was a young child. The interior, as we imagined, was really well done: spacious, well laid out, with lots of floor to ceiling windows and natural light.

A separated children’s reading room can be accessed through double doors from the main children’s area. Kaia insisted on spending time in there, so I joined her and read some books with her together. While we were in there reading together, Chris stood from the outside of the room, and through the floor-to-ceiling windows, he snapped several photos of us reading together to “capture the moment” as he always likes to do. Chris loves taking candid photos, especially ones that we are unaware of, or that can frankly be unflattering (he contests this, but what does he not contest that I say?!). Suddenly, one of the librarians comes into the children’s reading room and says hi to Kaia and me.

“Hi! So sorry to bother you,” the librarian began, smiling awkwardly. “I just wanted to ask: do you know that man there in the blue hoodie? He has been taking some photos of you, and I just wanted to make sure you were associated with him?”

I immediately started grinning. Chris can be so ridiculous sometimes, and he gives “zero shits” what other people think about his behavior. But to a regular bystander who has no idea we are together, his behavior can seem super stalker-like and weird, maybe even borderline “inappropriate”!

“No worries,” I immediately reassured her. “He’s my husband. He just likes to capture the moment!”

We both started laughing.

“Oh, thank goodness!” The librarian responded. “I just wanted to make sure we didn’t have an awkward situation on our hands and I didn’t need to call security! Hope you all enjoy!” And she left the room.

And there, you have it, my friends: This is just one of many endless examples of what a weirdo husband I have and what a weirdo dad Kaia has.

My kid’s palate: You win some, you lose some

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Earlier this week, Kaia came up to me and started grabbing my leg.

“Mama!” she said sweetly, looking up at me smiling with twinkly eyes. This usually means she wants something. She glanced at the kitchen counter, where she saw some bananas I just bought. “Can you make me some banana pancakes this week?”

Kaia has loved pancakes since she was a baby. Banana pancakes was likely her very first type of pancake I made her, and since then, she has consistently enjoyed and asked for them since. I’ve made many variations of pancakes for her over the years, but these seem to be her favorite.

I explained to her that work was very busy this week, so I wouldn’t be able to make the pancakes until this weekend. She doesn’t know this, but the bananas I’d use were actually overripe in the freezer, and so I needed to defrost those for these pancakes, as well. The bananas on the counter were for a different use. Luckily, she didn’t have a melt down and seemed to understand.

“That means you’re gonna make them for me this Saturday, before martial arts?” she replied, grinning. “I’m gonna have banana pancakes with maple syrup this weekend!”

Kaia started squeezing my leg. Though it was like she was tugging on my heart. This felt bittersweet, as in that moment, I wondered when she would become too tall so that when she’d grab me, she’d no longer reach just my legs anymore. It’s one of the many sweet parts of early childhood that I’ve always loved the physical feeling of.

The other thing I love about her pancake eating is that it’s definitely evolving. In the second half of this year, we started letting her have just a little bit of maple syrup regularly with pancakes. She does this really cute thing where she likes the maple syrup, but just on half of each pancake or each serving. And she prefers the maple syrup always on the side to “dip.” So, I never pour any maple syrup on top of her pancakes. It is always poured away from the pancakes, wherever on the plate they are. It’s cute that even at this young age, she has a preference (just like adults!) for maple syrup placement!

As cute as this is, Kaia is not a fan of every single thing I make. This week, I was excited to make my first butternut squash soup of the season, this time with my chicken/duck stock. Chris and I really enjoyed it; it came out thicker than I’d ideally like. I was planning to thin it out with more stock, but Chris insisted he liked the thicker texture, so I left it as is. Well, Kaia did not agree with this; she kept saying that it was “too thick!” and that it was “yucky!” Yet over the course of this week, she had three whole bowls to herself.

A week or two ago, she had butternut squash at school lunchtime. I asked her what she liked more, school lunch butternut squash or mama’s butternut squash. I did not get the answer I wanted.

“Butter Beans (that’s the name of the lunch provider) butternut squash!” Kaia responded enthusiastically. “It’s not yucky!”

Ughhhhhh.

Sharing memories

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To date for this year, I have raised $7,382 for AFSP in honor of Ed. I have a couple of pending corporate matches, but I have fundraised more than I thought I would given the slow start I had. After the walk, my friends shared videos they took of my speech during the opening ceremony, and for some close family and friends, I shared the video with them while thanking them for donating.

One of my college friends watched my speech, and she commented on the part in the beginning when I mentioned that Ed would always lavish generous gifts upon me. My friend said she used to remember when we were in college, and the rare packages I would get would always be from Ed. I completely forgot he had anything delivered to my dorm, but once she shared this, I started remembering. I remember he was skeptical of the bedsheets and bedding my parents bought me in a rush when I moved into my dorm during my first year. So he found a free shipping code at Macy’s while working there to send a bunch of proper bedding and pillows to me that were to his standard. Given he worked in the domestics department at Macy’s then (for regular people, that means bedding!), he wanted to make sure I was comfortable and slept well while studying. Over the phone, he muttered that “our parents won’t understand that.”

I always enjoy hearing memories that others have of my brother, even when they include me, because they are not always things I remember. Or they are things I of course knew, but with the passage of time, I have just forgotten and haven’t thought much about. I also obviously wasn’t part of every part of his life, so I also appreciated when his church friends shared memories of Ed with me at his funeral, in cards and letters after, and also at his funeral meal. That really meant a lot to me; they probably don’t think it meant anything, but it painted a wider picture of my brother for me than I ever knew when he was alive.

Shared memories, as they say, are like the “colors of my life.”

Homemade food: So under appreciated

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Since Kaia was a baby, I have been pretty maniacal about the food she has eaten and making sure the majority of what she is eating is homemade, made from scratch, and wholesome/healthy-ish. Then again, I suppose that even before her, I was maniacal about all that for myself. We really are what we eat; I believe that statement inside and out, and so I want to make sure that Kaia is eating mostly whole foods most of the time. Working from home and not needing to go into an office has made this very possible for us. If I had to be an an office four or five days a week, this definitely would not work out as well for us.

I remember during the early newborn days when cooking tasks that I consider basic and routine, like mincing garlic, seemed like such an annoying chore: that is how most people view cooking who do not like to cook. Every single additional step or ingredient is a chore, an annoyance, an inconvenience! So when I look back at my childhood and realized that almost every single night, Ed and I had something different to eat, something new, something homemade, I really think it was a true feat on the part of our mom (my dad only cooked occasionally, and it was more a hobby for him). She worked a miserable 9-5 job in an office five days a week, yet somehow managed to have dinner on the table ready for us by 6pm (she was also maniacal about getting on the express bus back home from downtown San Francisco!). Today, I just think that’s insane — real mom magic! I even told my mom this when I went back home in August. She half smiled and shrugged. “I have to take care of my family,” my mom said in response. It’s really that simple to her.

So when I made butternut squash soup today, which ended up becoming part of tonight’s dinner, Kaia whined and said she didn’t like it even before she had a bite. And all I could think was… ugh. Kids are inclined to be this way, to whine and whinge and decline things they don’t know or haven’t tasted. Their moods change with the wind. But she has no idea how much effort went into this soup: the bones-in-the-freezer saving, the Instant Pot pressure cooking, the (whole!) butternut squash needing washing, peeling, cutting, and cubing — just some of the steps to begin. That last part is such a chore that many people who eat butternut squash do not do any of that prep. They skip straight to the “buy butternut squash peeled and cubed” step (which I have never done even once in my life!). Then there’s the cutting and roasting of the carrot and squash, the dicing of the onions, more garlic slicing, sauteing and browning, simmering, BLENDING in a real blender (yes, really!). And then you end by simmering for a last time and adding extras like spices, a splash of milk, cream, or additional stock. THEN, IT IS FINALLY DONE. These autumnal soups are a labor of love; most soups are. But really, all homemade dishes are a labor of love that not everyone can appreciate, even in adulthood.

In the end, Kaia ate the whole bowl of butternut squash soup. She whined, but we could tell she enjoyed it. I am waiting for the day when she has other versions of food out there in the wild, and she comes home and tells me she prefers my version. I am still waiting patiently and eagerly.

Kaia’s first ring pop… and real lollipop experience

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After Kaia finished a bunch of English and 75 percent of this week’s Chinese homework today, I told her that as a reward, she could pick one piece of candy from yesterday’s trick-or-treating stash and eat it. Of course, she chose one of the two ring pops she got — this time, the “blue raspberry” one. She licked and sucked it and giggled and shrieked throughout. And as I watched her greatly enjoy this massive sticky ring on her finger, it dawned on me that this was her first real lollipop experience; she’s never had one before. She’s watched many other kids have them, but she herself has never enjoyed one. I showed her a mirror so she could see how blue her lips and tongue were turning from the blue ring pop, and of course, it completely delighted her. Kaia knows that we don’t allow candy, so this truly is a very special, very rare “treat” for her. She savored it until the very, very last lick. It was really cute for me to watch her enjoy and savor every bit of that teeth-rotting thing.

It’s funny to think about how permissive my parents were about my sugar consumption when I was the same age. I got to eat plenty of candy, chocolate, and ice cream all the time; I suppose my grandma didn’t help because she also had a sweet tooth, and she’d let Ed and me eat whatever she was eating. Then, she’d indulge us further by buying us candy at the corner stores nearby. We especially loved “sour power,” or the sugar-coated sour belts; even thinking and writing about them now still makes my mouth water a bit. My parents never brushed my teeth except with water until the age of 5 because I was so fussy with the toothpaste, so my mom just gave up (I think it’s a safe bet to say that my dad never attempted to brush my teeth… ever). Then I ended up with three cavities at my first dental visit at 5 years of age — what a surprise! So when I tell my mom that Kaia doesn’t get candy or almost any sweets unless it’s a shared dessert, she thinks I am being far too strict.

Well, times have changed. We need to protect our child’s teeth and physical health for long term benefits. We know a bit more now about the dangers of overconsumption of sugar versus back then. And so, it actually makes me feel quite proud to see how Kaia self polices herself with sweets, and how she knows what foods we approve (and don’t approve) of. I hope she keeps this up.

An interview with a NYC story teller

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A few months ago, the executive director of AFSP NYC asked if I’d be interested in featuring my story about why I walk at the national level. I’m an open book and am happy to find ways to help others, so I said that I’d be willing to participate. Fast forward to this last week, the AFSP head of social media reached out to schedule time before the walk at Pier 16/17 to meet with David Eng, a New York City-based videographer and story teller, to discuss why I walk and why I fundraise with AFSP. He would be producing videos showcasing personal stories of why people walk, and they asked me to sign off on some release forms so that they could post these videos publicly.

I kept looking at his name and wondering why he sounded so familiar. I quickly looked him up on Instagram and discovered that he’s actually done the food videos for Banh and Kopitiam, some of my very favorite restaurants in the city. I actually already knew his work and really enjoyed it. I was a little nervous, thinking, wow, he’s interviewed and featured people who run some of the best businesses in the city, and now, he’s just sharing my (Ed’s) story?!

The head of social media found me, and we chatted while we walked over to David staking out some good recording spots with indirect light. I asked David about his Banh connection, and we geeked out over Vietnamese food for a bit; he was incredulous that I’d actually seen his Banh video since he said it was from over three years ago. He has since stopped doing food stories because they are very chaotic and stressful due to restaurant scheduling/hiccups. Now, he focuses most of his work on social media (for Banh Anh Em!!) and on telling human stories of real New Yorkers — like myself.

They had given me some prompt questions ahead of time to get my thoughts organized before the interview. But the interview itself ended up being a lot more thought-provoking and emotional than I had imagined. David was a really great, sensitive interviewer. He asked me a lot of questions that I don’t believe I’ve ever been point-blank asked before about Ed, about my journey toward healing and helping others.

One question he asked me, which I know no one, not even any therapist or close friend has asked, is, “If Ed were here today (assuming he’s still not alive), what would you say to him?”

I paused for a while on this. I didn’t tell him this, but I write Ed a letter on this blog for every birthday of his, every anniversary of his passing. So I do “speak” to him as though he’s in the other world, heaven, whatever you want to call it. But this question I suppose hit differently because this was a live conversation, in person, and I have never been asked that face to face by anyone. It’s a hard one.

I partially shared this, but not all my thoughts (no one has time for all of it). This is what I would say:

I love you. I miss you so, so much. I hope you are proud of everything I’ve accomplished, everything I’ve done to help others in your name. I want you to know that you didn’t die in vain, you did not die for nothing, that I’m doing everything with the little power that I have to keep your legacy going. Every person I can support and help — I do it in your honor and to keep your memory alive. You may not be here anymore, but in my heart, you are always, always living on in me. I have not forgotten you; I will never forget you. I will try to live my best possible life and do right by people because that’s what you would have wanted for me, for Kaia. You will always be a part of me — the best part of me. Your life mattered. It still matters.

Back to back kids events in a single day

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We were invited to a joint birthday party of Kaia’s classmates today, so we knew we would take her. But then her school also decided to host a Halloween fest later in the afternoon, and we thought it would be good for community building (and for Kaia) if we went to both. It seemed like a lot for us, and highly unusual given our usual Saturdays, but we do things to make our child happy, right? The birthday party would be at a large kids indoor play space from 11:30-2:30; the school’s Halloween fest would be held just blocks away from us from 3-5pm. Time was tight. And I told Chris that I was always envious of other friends with kids and how they attended preschools and schools with a strong sense of community/friendship. I wanted that, too. So now that I have it, I should take advantage of it by going to most of these events that I am here for, right?

“Well, there goes my Saturday,” Chris grumbled as Friday approached and he knew we would be forgoing our usual Saturday food crawl.

He doesn’t really mean to grumble, though. Chris enjoys socializing, and we have a pretty decent group of parents in our kindergarten class. We’re still getting to know everyone and their personalities. We’re also still discovering who we get along better with than others.

I would say that almost two months into being at this school and interacting with the parents in our class I have met, I have definitely identified people I jive with more than others. There are the people who are very thoughtful and insightful; some seem to have views and perspectives that mirror ours; some are more analytical (and anal) than others; some show they are always thinking about how others perceive them; some are trying to get into higher level parents association positions at the school; some are trying to do everything within their power to increase the school’s enrollment; one is definitely a complainer all around. So far, it’s a good mix of parents and it feels comfortable.

In the meantime, Kaia seems to be identifying friends who are her favorites or “best friends,” though, and sometimes, they change by the day. It sounds like a typical girl thing of this age range. Chris got her this book from a used book store last week called The Invisible Boy, and with its theme, we’re trying to teach her to try to be friends and play with everyone. You never know who you might get along with unless you branch out. (Adults are a different story, but hey, she’s not even five yet!).

Another homework meltdown

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I know for a fact that when I was kindergarten, I did not have any homework. Homework did not start until first grade for me in my San Francisco public school. I had a bit of a head start with learning since my mom was diligent enough to force me to practice writing and reciting numbers and all letters of the alphabet, both lower and upper case, before I entered kindergarten. Discipline was taught to me pretty early, and when I wasn’t behaving, I was whacked (as were most kids of our generation by our immigrant parents). A common complaint of kids of Kaia’s generation is that they do not have enough self discipline. Every single action is monitored and manned. They have a high level of ADHC diagnoses because their parents cannot handle parenting and succumb to simply drugging their kids up, likely with medication that is not even needed. It’s not an individual parent problem, but rather a generational problem: every generation has its challenges that it needs to attempt to solve.

Although I did not have the self discipline or patience to do what my mom did and try to get Kaia to know how to write all her English letters and numbers before kindergarten, I am very much a fan of homework at this age, if just in shorter bursts. I like that her school starts homework at this age; other people will not agree with me, but the reason I like this is that it instills discipline young. It forces parents to carve out the time in the day to dedicate to learning and reinforcing learning in the classroom. At the end of the day as sucky as it sounds, it’s really a test of the parents and how much patience they can have when enforcing that homework is not optional; it must be done, and done by a certain date for teachers to review.

I was chatting with my friend over tea about this last week. She asked me if homework was really necessary at this age. She said it seemed excessive, that when she was in kindergarten 35 years ago, she didn’t have homework (and she’s just fine now!). I don’t think that using us as the example is necessarily the right thing since every generation and its standards for everything will be different. Yes, I also didn’t have homework in kindergarten, but just because I had that experience, does that necessarily mean I do not want my child to have homework in K? If discipline is an all around issue for kids of this generation, we should probably be doing more to instill it at a younger age. It needs to become a habit, one they understand that is repeatable.

So even though once again, Kaia had a meltdown after lunch today and refused to do a second page of Chinese character writing, I insisted she had to finish the second page. We took many breaks. She ran away screaming and crying from the table multiple times, yelling in Chinese that she doesn’t like homework. But I told her: in life, she’s going to have to do lots and lots of things that she doesn’t like, but they are very necessary for her life and well being. She won’t get that now, but this needs to be reinforced… forever, muah hahaha!

Okay, that sounded a little mean to laugh. But I do mean that. We need to repeat to her that there are endless things she will need to do in her life that she does not like. I hate doing half the things I do in a day, but I know they are beneficial to me, and I’m almost 36 years older than her!

Line up, line up!

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Kaia has really been immersed in Chinese since she started at her current school. Sometimes, she tells me what she’s learning and what things mean, even when I don’t ask. I never formally learned any Mandarin Chinese until college, so a lot of the seemingly basic, kindergarten-level things she’s learning are things I never learned myself. But because I did study it, I pick up a lot of these things simply based on context. For example, she kept saying that they often do work in small groups; she never explicitly said that. But she did say, “G and I are in B 组 (zǔ); but C and M are in A 组 (zǔ).” Based that, it’s clear to me that 组 (zǔ) means team or small group.

While observing the kids at soccer yesterday, I also saw a few of them line up and act silly. As they lined up when going up the stairs from the gym, they chanted, “排排队，排排队，一个跟着一个排. That is “Pái pái duì, pái pái duì, yīgè gēnzhe yīgè pái” or, “Line up, line up, one following right behind the other.” There is something really sweet and almost magical about a bunch of kindergarten kids, chanting the exact same words in perfect unison, all wearing the same uniform.

I wasn’t very pleased that her school had a dress code when we first learned about it; it’s essentially a school uniform, but the colors for top and bottom change by day of the week. But now that we’re over a month into it, I will admit that it does make life easier. I don’t have to fight with her in the morning regarding what she’s going to wear; she knows what day requires which colors. She sees all the other kids wearing the exact same thing, so there’s no reason to whine or have comparisons. Because all the kids are wearing the same thing, they all match, and she does enjoy matching. And well, I do admit that it is really adorable seeing all the kids matching and wearing the same thing every day: it does make school seem more formal and serious.

Plus, as they chant “排排队，排排队，一个跟着一个排,” it looks and sounds better to me when they are all in uniform! Plus yesterday, they were especially matching because three of them had the same single braid hairdo!

Cooking with my Costco and local Vermont goodies

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Every time we come back from a road trip, we always make a stop by Costco on our way back to take advantage of having a car. So of course, we come back with the car fully loaded, and I always tell Chris when we get back, “We’re rich!” It feels that way because when your fridge, freezer, and pantry are stocked to the point of nearly overflowing, it really does make you feel rich: you have plenty in a house of plenty in a land of plenty, and that feels very full. It also makes me grateful that we can actually afford to stock up on our staples, as I am very well aware that not everyone has the ability to do this.

In addition to the Costco stocking up we did, we also got way more consumable items in Vermont than I originally imagined: this includes a bottle of local whisky, a bottle of local bourbon, orange wine, chocolate raspberry wine from New Hampshire, and honey mead. The whisky and bourbon we tasted and purchased at the Burlington Farmers Market, the orange wine is from the Shelburne Farmers Market, and the last two bottles are from the fine food and drink marquee at the Stowe Foliage Arts Festival. In addition, we also got local organic chestnut and lion’s mane mushrooms and a Barn First Creamery brie-style goat cheese at the Burlington Farmers Market, a quart of Green’s Sugarhouse Very Dark maple syrup and maple balsamic vinaigrette, fancy marshmallows, and a couple chocolate bars from Adagio Chocolate shop in Middlebury. It was quite a local Vermont food haul! If it wasn’t already clear, I love Vermont!

Today, I spent a good amount of time cooking some of our new foods and ingredients. I seared and sautéed my lion’s mane and chestnut mushrooms; they browned beautifully and have a delicious, earthy, almost nutty flavor. They are almost even a little sweet! We sampled a little of these (Kaia loved the chestnut mushrooms the most!), but I’m planning to use most of them for toast with our Vermont goat cheese. I sautéed half a pound of spinach from Costco, roasted a pound of brussel sprouts (Costco!), made a maple balsamic roasted salmon with my new vinaigrette from Greens Sugarhouse. I also cooked my last bag of Rancho Gordo Blue Goose Field Peas and some brown rice. And on top of all that, I made my third batch of fresh, homemade soy milk! I always feel good when I’m cooking with new and fresh ingredients. This meal felt like fall to me! Now, all I needed to add was some butternut squash to the mix!