Mentoring children

Last year, I started volunteering at two mentoring programs for two different organizations. The first group paired me up with a ninth grader, and ideally I’d follow her until she graduated from high school. I’m still participating in this program this school year. The second group was to mentor fourth and fifth graders, and unfortunately because the program was so disorganized, I never got paired up with a nine or ten-year-old the way I was supposed to. This week, I decided to let the program coordinator know I would not be returning this school year. Even though the second program was disorganized, I realized another reason I didn’t want to continue with it was because I didn’t really like kids that young. They just bother me. There was no structure to the program, but when we did chat, I realize it was really hard to pretend to be interested in these kids’ thoughts and what they were interested in. I felt like I was adding no value to their lives, so I ended my commitment to the program.

I was hesitant when I first started it, as I thought that age group may be too young for me, but now I know it will definitely not be a fit. It’s better to be honest with yourself rather than delude yourself into thinking you will make a difference in their lives when you not only are not making a difference, but also just dislike the entire act of going and being there. I may not be a fit for them, but I’m sure others can and will be.

Coffee catch up

I met with my former boss’s boss for coffee this afternoon. We reconnected when I found out he lost his wife, who was a nonsmoker, to lung cancer two months ago. He knew about Ed, too, so inevitably a big part of our catch up was about loss, grief, and how to deal with everyone else and their reactions to moving forward with life without the ones we love. He has a 4.5-year-old son who seems very emotionally mature for his age and seems to understand everything that has happened, so that’s an added layer of difficulty for him as a single parent now.

We talked about how when tragedies like this happen how quickly people advise you to seek therapy or professional help. “I don’t know that I even believe in that, so I don’t think it’s a smart thing to do to just jump right into it without first thinking through what you are trying to get out of seeking professional help,” he said to me. He’s a very introspective person, so it makes sense that he would first try to think about his actions before proceeding. I got mad about that, too, when Ed passed away. I hated it when my friends told me that I needed to get help. I know that part of them just wanted the best for me, but part of me also felt it was their way of saying they didn’t want to hear me and my sob stories anymore. I’m sure it came from a place of simply lack of understanding, and even partially lack of desire and energy to understand. You can’t expect any friend to be everything to you. And sadly, as I’ve gotten older, I feel like I expect less and less because I’ve been disappointed a lot.

I didn’t see anyone until four months later, and at that point, I’d thought long and hard about what I wanted to get out of this. And it had less to do with Ed as it did dealing with our massively dysfunctional family.

People are so stupid when it comes to tragedies. All we want is a little love, and then we get told to get help elsewhere.

Thai in Midtown East

Tonight, Chris and I went to his friend’s apartment in Midtown East and ate takeout Thai with a bunch of their mutual friends. Two of the friends were relatively new, so one of the friends was describing how we’d all met and how our lives have changed over the last four years since they met. We’re engaged, one of them is married and has a child on the way, and two of them are “the same,” as in, single without any realistic prospects for romantic relationships in the near future. This isn’t really the future that the three of them had envisioned for themselves four years ago.

Chris’s pregnant friend is actually due the week after our wedding, which pretty much means that she and her husband won’t be able to come. It’s a sad truth, but that’s life. We can’t all coordinate our lives to make sure we can always be there for each other at our biggest life moments. It makes me sad, but it’s just another reminder that we should all just live our own lives and stop living it for other people or around other people’s schedules.

Apartment prep

We’re prepping the apartment for our guests who will be staying at our apartment while we are in France. The nice thing about having guests while you are away is that you are forced to have a reason to clean your apartment and make it tidy. The bad thing about having guests while you are away is that you are forced to have a reason to clean your apartment and make it tidy. Sometimes, you really just want to pack and get the heck out and not clean every speck of dust and make sure the bath tub is shiny before you leave.

AirBnB insures your apartment for about a million dollars when you have a guest staying over, but I still get a little worried before every guest comes, even if it’s not super rational, because I think of the things that don’t necessarily cost a lot of money but have a lot of sentimental value. These are things that if they were to break, I’d get really upset. The things I think about are things like my Disney World It’s a Small World mug. It probably cost no more than ten bucks, but I get really antsy when I think of someone dropping it. I think about the German and Austrian gingerbread-like houses we bought in Europe during the last two Thanksgivings, and I think of them shattering to pieces.

I still put away the mug into my underwear drawer before the guests come. It’s slightly paranoid, but I do it anyway. I’ll continue to do this.

Upwardly Global Silk Road of Queens Food Tour

A good friend of mine is an active volunteer for the organization Upwardly Global, and for the second year in a row, he’s organized the Silk Road of Queens food tour to raise money for this charity. The tour consists of 5-6 restaurant stops, where the group is able to sample the vast variety of cuisines and dishes that make up the borough of Queens. I loved the concept when he came up with it, particularly because I’ve always felt since I moved to Queens from Boston in 2008 that it was a highly underrated area to live and visit. Queens is probably one of the most diverse neighborhoods on the planet with the number of languages spoken, number of immigrants, and of course, its huge variety of restaurants, which frankly cannot be replicated probably anywhere else in the world. Manhattan can’t hold a candle to the sheer diversity of food that Queens is lucky enough to have.

This was my second year participating in the tour, and this time, I took Chris with me. We had some very interesting conversations with some of the other people who came on the tour, and we tried a number of restaurants that I’d definitely want to go back to, especially Fu Run, which is Northeast Chinese food (strongly influenced by the western Chinese provinces), and Stix, which is Uzbeki cuisine. We had everything from veal liver kebab at Stix to yak dumplings at a Nepalese/Tibetan restaurant to candied sticky taro and spiced cumin lamb chops at Fu Run. It was almost a struggle to keep up with all the food, but now I have an even longer list of restaurants I can’t wait to go back to. It’s really true what they say about living in New York. You could probably live here for something ridiculous like ten years and eat every single meal out — breakfast, lunch, and dinner — and still never eat at every single restaurant that existed here. This city is absolutely amazing. There’s always something new and different to eat.

Facial day

Today, I indulged Chris and myself and went to have facials done in the afternoon. I think professional facials are extremely indulgent; in my whole life, I’ve only had three including this one. But it’s nice to pamper yourself occasionally, especially when you live in a city that is as polluted as New York is. And I suppose it could be argued that it is a health benefit.

The esthetician who worked on me today told me that my skin was in very good condition, and I had no signs of aging or wrinkling other than the expected expression lines that are expected of people my age. I don’t think I naturally have good skin; I broke out like crazy from the ages of 11-13, and I still occasionally get a pimple or two. I have huge pores, which I hate, but I guess it’s part of the package when you are Asian and your mom has big pores, too. I had the fear of God put into me from a young age that I needed to wear sunscreen on my face every single day, even on days when it’s gray and gloomy outside, because the sun’s rays will cause me premature wrinkling. I’ve done that since the age of 9. Maybe that fear of God has paid off. It’s like when my dad kept instilling the importance of putting away a sizable percentage of my income into my 401K. “You don’t want to retire and be poor, do you?” No, I don’t think anyone would answer that question affirmatively. It’s amazing how authority figures can instill fear in you to ultimately be good. But it’s nice when you can see it benefiting your life later.

Queens

I miss my old borough. Well, I don’t miss everything about it. I don’t miss the longer commute. I don’t miss how the general neighborhoods there are a bit seedier, the trains get less love from the MTA and so they run less efficiently, especially on weekends. But I do miss the food, the quality and the cheapness, and the variety of types of food that is just within a few blocks of each other. I miss my old laundromat, where the guy who worked there was always friendly with me, and he had the cheapest possible prices for the few times I actually did dry cleaning.

So after work today, I went all the way out to Elmhurst, my old neighborhood, and I picked up my favorite Indian Chinese takeout and dumplings — in the rain. That’s how much I wanted it and how much I missed the area. I got my boots wet and almost broke my umbrella from the wind, but I was so happy when I brought it all back to my apartment and ate. You can’t get Indian Chinese or dumplings of this quality on the Upper East Side. And if you did, it would probably cost two to three times as much. But realistically, that isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

Nail salon outing

Ever since that infamous New York Times article was published last spring about the unfair treatment and pay of nail salon workers, I’ve been painfully cognizant and wary of nail salons and have pretty much resisted any impulse desire to get my nails done anywhere. Granted, I rarely get my nails done outside of my apartment, mostly out of my own cheapness, but I resisted the idea even more after I read this article even though I knew beforehand that it had to be a bad lifestyle for the salon workers. I mean, the cheapest manicure to be had in New York (which I personally have benefited from) is $10, and how could anyone possibly be making any real money at that level of earning?

As a little indulgence that would perhaps happen on my own dime about once a year, I started looking for nail salons that pay a fair wage and have safe working conditions for their employees; these places typically charge $25-45 for a basic manicure, which probably makes more sense given the cost of living. A publisher partner has asked to take my team and me on a mani/pedi outing, so now we’re scheduled to go to Ten Over Ten next Friday at my request. Now I can feel a little better about supporting a business that treats its employees properly.

South Indian in Curry Hill

Tonight, I met with Chris’s cousin’s friend from Melbourne who is doing grad studies at NYU, her friend from Melbourne who is interning temporarily at the Council for Foreign Relations, and my good friend for dinner at a restaurant that specializes in South Indian cuisine in the Curry Hill area of Manhattan. I’ve made a number of South Indian dishes, including masala dosa and appam, and these were things that were on the menu tonight. I ordered the kal dosa, which according to Chris’s mother is the most basic everyday dosa eaten by Indian families in South India. Chris’s cousin’s friend ordered the appam, not because she actually remembered it but because she vaguely thought she had the dish before and wanted to make sure she remembered it, as the last time she’d had it was in South India visiting relatives. I was curious to see how it tasted since I’d never had it or even seen it on any restaurant menu ever. I took a piece of her appam and was a little confused and almost even disgusted when I tasted it; it was sour, which made sense because the batter is fermented, but it was too sour. I’d had it the very first time when Chris’s mother and aunt made it for a Christmas Eve dinner, and after that, I replicated it myself here twice. It’s supposed to taste coconuty because the batter has coconut and rice, but this appam had zero coconut flavor. It was salty and very sour. I was so disappointed. And it looked so pretty, too, so it was obviously made in the right style pan.

And then it hit me: I think I’m a better Indian chef than the people who work in the Anjappar kitchen in Curry Hill, and I’m not even Indian. I was able to replicate the flavor of a real appam better than the Anjappar cooks could. I had a brief moment of smugness that I had to hide and keep to myself.