My goal was to make it to the gym at least twice this week. Now, it’s looking like it will be zero times because my ribs are really not ready to be exposed to stretching and deep breathing that an aerobic workout would necessitate. I’m getting sad looking at the calendar, thinking that I may not even be able to go next week. When will this bruising stop and the pain go away? Who knew that whooping cough could leave such dire bodily effects on you?

There’s partly vanity involved in wanting to go to the gym, but the other part about it is that I always feel fresher, more alert, and focused when I work out in the morning versus when I do not. It’s always a struggle to get out of bed, especially when it’s as cold as it is here in January, but when I get out of the apartment and hop on the train, I know all that effort was worth it. It helps that I also have gym acquaintances, including a trainer who is trying to get me to do pull ups and lifts, who keep me in check; a few of them make fun of me when they don’t see me for a while, telling me I am slacking off or getting lazy (sometimes, this has some truth; other times, it’s because I am traveling for work or pleasure, which I don’t always tell them about ahead of time). As the wedding date approaches, of course, I’m also thinking about that, too. Chris and I need to work off all the calories we ate in Australia and in Hong Kong as delicious as they were, and now we have FitBits to keep us accountable (and competitive).

Tonight, I figured I would try to be social despite feeling cold and miserable being back and see my friend for dinner. We weren’t even out that long, but I could feel my ribs on the left side starting to hurt every time I coughed or laughed. Since the end of December, only the right side of my ribs ever acted up and needed to be iced, and I thought that was all I would have to deal with in terms of bruising. Yet somehow tonight, I realized I was wrong and would also need to deal with bruising on the right side, as well. It’s frustrating how these things creep up on you.

I’m coughing and wiping my nose with tissues at work, which I am sure is making my colleagues who sit around me feel even more thrilled that I am back. I think I will need to stay home and keep myself away from others for a while, if not just to prevent myself from speaking which causes coughing, but from laughing and also getting everyone scared that I might give them something contagious.

It’s sad to know that I now live in a country where mass shootings are an everyday occurrence. It’s gotten to a point where they are so everyday that people aren’t phased by hearing the news via radio, TV, or the internet. Mass shootings are part of American culture now in the same way that pop music and Saturday Night Live are. And this time, the San Bernadino shooting appears to have been done at a facility that helps persons with disabilities. How can you be more cruel than to hurt those who already have harder lives and are suffering more than the average person? The gun lobbyists don’t care that all these people are dying; they are pushing irrelevant concepts like mental illness. We can’t even require background checks for people who want to buy guns, which is completely senseless. And it’s become trite when you read articles like this and you see lines about these mass murderers being calm, good, upstanding citizens. In that sense, many of these people are first time (MASSIVE) offenders. How do we identify those who just want to start killing people for the sake of killing without any past history of crime or mental illness? In the mental illness case, many mental illnesses are undiagnosed and unrecognized. The debate could go on and on, but what we are inevitably doing as a society is turning a blind eye to the problem of guns. Easy gun access here is a huge problem that cannot be ignored. Yet it is. People will continue dying – the young, the old, and everyone in between.

Because just as a very succinct Tweet I read yesterday said, “In retrospect Sandy Hook marked the end of the US gun control debate. Once America decided killing children was bearable, it was over.”

Seeing that in black and white on my Twitter screen was like pain to my eyes… because it is true.

Tonight, a friend and I had a disagreement, which completely got blown out of proportion because we were lazy and decided to debate back and forth over text rather than just call each other and talk it out. Part of the reason for this was that I was in transit from one location to another and took the subway, so it would have been impossible for me to call her, but the longer the disagreement went on, the more ridiculous and futile I realized it was becoming. In the end, it all got resolved, but it just further proves how poorly tone comes across in writing rather than over voice or in person. We’re products of the technology age, though, so our laziness to not call each other is partially due to our heavy reliance on speaking through machines rather than being human beings and using our voices.

But the more I thought about it, the more I’ve realized that it’s not just technology that has made us more distant and prone to not understanding each other. It’s the fact that we rarely have deep discussions about really important topics, whether it’s current events, our opinions on life values, etc. It’s frustrating because then you realize that this person who you think is supposed to be close to you doesn’t really know you at all. And what is equally bad is that you don’t really know her, either.

I guess that’s why a lot of friendships don’t stand the test of time, especially when they may relocate and move to areas far away for work, family, or some other reason, and they meet other people and their lives and values evolve. We get sucked into the thought that we don’t have time to invest in the people who are not convenient for us to talk to or be near, and then gradually, friendships start fading away. We meet other people who are more in physical proximity to us who may be at similar life stages, and we end up bonding and growing with them instead.

I am lucky to say that I’ve had friendships that have lasted almost two decades, but I know people who are still best friends with their friends from age four or five. What I always wonder about them is how their friendships may have evolved. Maybe at age five, all you thought you wanted in a friend was someone to play tag with. Then at age ten, you wanted someone you could do math homework with and watch your favorite TV shows Then at age fourteen, you needed someone who was like your Siamese twin, who you thought knew all your darkest secrets and could even complete sentences for you. But at age nineteen, you’ve realized that your best friend who who you thought could be your best friend was “failing” at certain areas. Maybe she no longer knows all your deepest secrets. Maybe she doesn’t share your love of surfing or travel. Maybe she doesn’t know how to empathize with you when you share your family problems and she just tries to throw a blanket over it and say all families are dysfunctional and yours isn’t unique.

But then you meet someone else who does love surfing. You meet another person who listens to you when you are crying about that stupid argument you had with your mom and talks to you like she has gone through the exact same argument with her mom… except you know she definitely didn’t but just is able to convey a deeper understanding of you and your feelings. And that’s okay. Everyone you choose has a reason to be in your life and a different role to play. Not everyone can check off all the things you crave and need in a friend; in fact, no one probably ever will. But as long as they can check off at least a couple of them, then they can be a friend of some sort to you. And that’s enough.

We don’t seem to get this until after adolescence. Some people never get that. I’m still reminding myself this all the time. I wish I knew this when I was a teenager.

I was working from home yesterday afternoon when I found out that Paris was experiencing terrorist attacks in the very neighborhoods that we walked through just weeks ago. Innocent people going to sporting events, concerts, eating at restaurants were dying, and for those who were lucky enough to survive, they are likely to live with the intensity and paranoia of post-traumatic stress for the rest of their lives. We contacted Navine and her family to see if everyone she knew was all right, and luckily, they were. The saddest thing about doing that is that sure, perhaps Navine’s family and friends in Paris were fine, but that would mean that someone else’s family and friends were not fine and were dead or injured.

It was sickening to read the reports and see photos from the scenes. Every time a tragedy like this has happened, I get knots in my stomach. My insides feel hurt. I have moments when my eyes water, and I don’t really know what I am feeling. My sensitivity to pain, death, and loss has only intensified since losing Ed. Every time a shooting has happened, a terrorist attack, or a plane has unfortunately gone down in the last two years and I find out about it, the first thing I imagine is the reactions of the people who have died or lost the ones they love. How will they cope with this? How do you really go on with your life when such horrid tragedy so closely affects you? Life is hard, unfair, and cruel so many times. It’s a challenge to move forward some days.

I am sad and scared for the future sometimes. With the whole recent talks I’ve been having on children and procreation in general, I think that all of us (who’d like to be, anyway) as future potential parents want to bring children into a world of love and hope and safety. It is terrifying to think and see that this could potentially be their future, a world of terrorism, killings of innocent people in the supposed name of God, and random mass shootings everywhere.