I suppose as first time parents, we kind of didn’t do a proper sleep training with Kaia as in… we never taught her how to sleep on her own. We got her to sleep through the night when she was about 12 weeks old. But we never taught her that to sleep, she should do it without us constantly coddling her and being by her side. We should tuck her in at her bed after reading together, kiss her good night, and say “see you in the morning!” But, we didn’t do that.

Well, in some ways, it’s kind of blown up in our faces, as bedtime nowadays can take 1.5-2 hours from end to end, without even factoring in the bedtime stories. And that is a true time suck when you have to do things like… work, clean the house, prepare and cook food, and all the usual tasks that need to get done in a day. And you know what this really, really takes away time from? Time to ourselves… to watch a show or movie, write on this blog (!), read articles and books, or enjoy my too-expensive candle in peace.

This last week, Chris insisted that we not lie down with her until she falls asleep. She needs to know that we’re serious, that this is bedtime, which means… she has to SLEEP. No playing, no stalling, nothing else. Go to sleep, or else. She especially is manipulative of me and pulls my hair, smushes my face, and everything in between. So we are trying “baby steps.” We sit in the chair at my desk (or at least, one of us does, usually Chris since she whines endlessly when it’s me for whatever reason), and then she eventually falls asleep on her bed. We’re doing well if we start reading at around 7:15-7:30, and she’s asleep by 8:30. If she isn’t asleep until 9… well, we need to try again the next day.

My baby isn’t a baby anymore, even if I keep calling her that. She’s over 2.5 years old now. And although she is very independent in some ways, she loves playing us and keeping us around when we probably shouldn’t be around, for our sanity, and for her own future sanity and growth.

Every stage of babyhood and toddlerhood is amazing in itself when you are literally watching your child grow every day. I’ve been so fortunate that I had a long (by U.S. standards) maternity leave and have a flexible schedule that allows me a good amount of time with Pookster. Watching her little changes day to day has always fascinated me. And I love seeing the things that she really gets into that seems to change week to week.

While we were in our Santiago hotel, one thing I would do is open my arms wide from about 5-10 feet away from her, and she’d get excited, start giggling, and run at full speed into my arms. Usually, it would be quite an impact, so part of me might even fall back a little, and I’d yell out a little “oomph!” as she dug her face into my chest and neck. But that would just add to the effect and her excitement, as she’d want to do it again and again. If I don’t initiate it and Pookster wants to do it, she’d say, “I wanna hug.” And that would be a cue for me to back up, open my arms wide, and wait for her to run into me. She also has taken a liking to smushing her face into mine and even biting my lips. Pookster can get quite aggressive sometimes with the face smushing. I just hope I don’t get a black eye with all this affection.

Sometimes when we are doing little activities like this, I get a little sad, thinking that one day, she will not be this easily amused, want to hug or kiss me, or even want to be anywhere near me. She may want to spend all her time with her friends and little to no time at all with me. But it’s just a reminder to me to soak up all the cuddles now when I can and she allows me to; to continue trying my best to create a safe space for her to be herself, voice her thoughts and opinions, and let her be who she wants to be. Every now and then, I look back at older photos and videos of her, and as trite as it sounds, I just can’t believe how quickly she is growing; even just 3-4 months ago, she had chubbier cheeks that I loved to pinch and hold. And now we’re getting into the next “big kid” phase of potty training, which is another reminder to me that every day, as much as it makes me sad, my baby is less of a baby, and far more of a growing big kid.

And hopefully with these intentions, Pooks will still want to cuddle and kiss me, even when she’s 10, 20, 30, or 40-plus years old.

We came back to daycare this week to find out that pretty much every single child across both 2s classrooms were in the process of potty training… except Kaia. Kaia is already over 31 months old. Depending on the source you read, the “sweet spot” for potty training is at around 27 months. We were lazy and not focused on it, so we never even thought about actually doing it back in March when we probably should have. And of course, Chris being Chris, he got annoyed to think that our child was behind in her cohort. “We need to start pushing!” he insisted. We tried to get Pookster to sit on the potty this week, and luckily, she did start sitting on it for a bit. Our teacher told us that she had been sitting on the potty at school for up to two minutes, just that nothing came out.

I finally opened the “Oh Crap!” potty training book this week to get into it, and it looks like we will probably need to start with the naked “watching” phase for at least a day to see if we can push her to pee or poop in the Baby Bjorn potty I got for her via my Buy-Nothing group. Diapers are annoying for all kinds of reasons (packing for a two-week trip with so many taking up so much space in the luggage was pretty grating), but they are especially annoying when you know your child is capable of potty training and is very verbal and smart. I hope we haven’t missed the ripe window to potty train and that she won’t be too stubborn about learning. Potty training is not innate; it’s all socialized. So, we will just need to push her to do it, just as I did with walking. Walking happened just a minute after I really pushed her. I don’t think potty training will happen as quickly, but we can only hope and be optimistic.

One of the most enjoyable parts of child rearing a younger child is when they achieve things they’ve been working on or striving to master. In Kaia’s 2.5 years, it’s been everything from watching her move a ball from one hand to another (as a very young baby) to crawling, to walking, to now riding a scooter and identifying the right objects in a book when we do “search and find” activities. In the last several weeks, when she identifies the right object I ask her to, or she does something that she’s been working on and finally does it successfully, she loves to laugh, squeal, and then yell out, “I DID IT!” or, “Kaia did it!” It’s been so fun to watch and always makes me feel warm and fuzzy.

Sometimes, she gets a little too excited and distracted by identifying something correctly the first time around, and she will just keep yelling, “I DID IT!” anywhere from five to ten times, which then distracts her from identifying the next object. Initially, I would get a little annoyed because we were’t moving on with the activity, but then I realized… this is all for her learning and enjoyment, anyway. So if she wants to bask in the glow of achieving something for another minute or two, there’s no harm in that. I should let her enjoy, laugh, and squeal, and just sit in the moment… Because it is always good to let your kids feel good about themselves.

The first time we visited Australia with Kaia, we did a side trip to Byron Bay, and there, we saw this book by Lonely Planet called A Time to Celebrate: Explore Festivals from Around the World. We’ve been drawn to children’s books that are multicultural for obvious reasons for her, and this one was especially fun because it has little flaps you can lift up that reveal more images and words. Even though there are a lot of long descriptions and sentences, Kaia had enjoyed this book since she was about 1.5 years old. Oftentimes, this is one of the books she will request to read at bedtime. This book highlights these global celebrations:

• The Garma Festival, Arnhem Land region, Australia
• Chinese New Year, Beijing, China
• Rio Carnival, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil 
• Ramadan in Morocco, Africa
• Day of the Dead, Oaxaca, Mexico
• Diwali, Mumbai or Jaipur, India
• Tu Bi’Shivat Festival, New York, USA 
• Christmas in Frankfurt, Germany

For Carnival in Brazil, there’s a line in the book that goes like this: “Lent is the time when Christians traditionally resist treats and temptations. During Carnival, they can feast and enjoy themselves one last time before Lent begins!” Kaia loves to finish sentences of books we read often (and she thus knows) — it always seems like she is reading, but in reality, we know it’s because she’s simply memorized the lines. So when I paused before “…when Christians traditionally resist….” Instead of saying “treats and temptations,” last night, she actually said, “treats and pastries!”

This cracked me up so much because for Kaia, her kryptonite is most definitely pastries. Any time she sees Chris or me carrying anything in a small brown paper bag, she yells, “I want it! I want it! I want some! WANT SOME!” It could easily be coal or dog poo, but she will insist, “I WANT IT!” It’s a weekend treat for all of us, and she most definitely always, always wants in on the goodies. Last weekend when we went to Laurel Bakery near Brooklyn Bridge Park, it was just the two of us, and I got one (very small… 🙁 ) plain croissant and one canele. She probably ate more than half of that croissant and a quarter of the canele. We don’t get them every day obviously, but pastries are most definitely beloved by everyone in our whole family. She has definitely assimilated in this way.

Since Chris’s parents were in town with us, Kaia has been absolutely obsessed with sirens. She likes to listen for the sirens outside our window and while outside. When she hears the sounds, she will immediately go to the window to see if she can see where the sound is coming from. She likes to identify the lights and call out what colors they are; she also likes to name whether it’s a fire truck vs. an ambulance. It’s been really adorable to see her obsession.

The other day, she suddenly yelled out, “I want fire truck! I want fire truck!” She went to her toy corner in the living room and grabbed a few of her larger Hot Wheels cars. But I reminded her that while those were all cars and trucks, they actually were not fire trucks. She does have another truck that’s a real fire truck (and transformer!), I reminded her. I pulled it out from her car box and gave it to her. It was as though she was seeing this fire truck for the very first time, as her face had this look of surprise and excitement. A few seconds later, while holding the fire truck and admiring it, she exclaimed, “Wowowow, FIRE TRUCK! MY FIRE TRUCK!” The next few nights, she’d have to have it in bed with her before she could fall asleep. And randomly throughout the night, she would wake up screaming or crying, asking for her fire truck. So I always had to make sure it was within reach to calm her down.

I love seeing her little toddler obsessions and loves. I know one day she will lose this innocence, but I will soak it up as much as I can, for as long as I can, because it’s just too precious. And another thing she isn’t aware of: Suma and Topa have a very large fire truck, complete with a siren sound, waiting for her in Melbourne when we go back later this year!

Sometimes while walking, Kaia will decide that she doesn’t want to walk anymore and protest walking, so she will literally just stop and sit on the sidewalk — you know, RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE. It doesn’t matter how busy the pedestrian traffic is. She will just stop and sit. Once, she almost stopped and sat within inches of fresh dog poo, and you can imagine how freaked out I was by that. Do you think she even knows what dog poop is?

Twice while walking together, she’s decided she no longer wants to walk and has tried to sit in the middle of the street, while the walking signal is counting down. In those times, I immediately piced her up, tucked her under my arm, and powered towards the other side of the street. I felt like that parent, the one with the screaming, kicking, tantrumming toddler who is just trying to appear calm, cool, and collected in public but whose head is about to implode.

Well, today was a new kind of fun. A few times while on her scooter, Kaia decided she didn’t want to use the scooter OR walk. She wanted to be carried… you know, by ME. So I had the fun job of carrying not just her but also her scooter which doesn’t even have the option of being neatly folded up. So I’d awkwardly carry her in one arm and the scooter in another. She’s only getting heavier, so I cannot carry her the way she wants to be held, so she’d get mad at the weird positioning and start fussing. Today while on our way home after school, she decided to abruptly get off her scooter with only four seconds left on the walking countdown, right in the middle of the street, and SIT RIGHT THERE.

It was rush hour obviously at that time. Tons of cars are waiting for their green light. And me. And Kaia. And the green scooter. But they all, of course, stay still and watch me as I collect my screaming child and her scooter, off the street and to the safety of the sidewalk. Two bikers who were approaching even got off their bikes to ask if I needed help with Kaia and the scooter. It was very kind and generous of them. No one honked at me or said anything. Both drivers as well as bikers and people passing by gave me sympathetic looks.

There are many very sweet, cuddly, heart warming, I-want-to-squeeze-you-so-hard moments I have with Kaia from the moment she was born to her now as an increasingly opinionated and stubborn 2.5-year-old. But this… this was not one of them. This is one of those moments that makes me think, “Oh, dear. What kind of a teenager are you going to be….?!”

Last night was rough after Kaia refused to sleep in her bed. I thought she’d be better off sleeping on my bed, so I put her on the bed and she passed out within 15 minutes. But then this morning, just before 5am, she woke up screaming and crying, likely from a nightmare. In the nightmare, I suppose I am refusing to allow her to turn on my Kindle. So she kept screaming over and over, “I wanna turn on the Kindle! TURN IT ON! TURN IT ON!” She wouldn’t stop screaming or crying for almost 30 minutes. There were times when I wondered if she’d stop breathing or have a seizure because she was so visibly distraught. Luckily, that did not happen. I tried to calm her down, but nothing worked. Finally, she got off the bed, stomped over to her own bed in her bedroom, and lied down there. She got mad when I didn’t come over, and she started screaming that she wanted “mummy lie down here,” so I went with her to lie down next to her, passed out, and didn’t wake up until 7:40.

The morning routine was fine. I managed to get her to school at just past 9am, which was actually pretty quick when I think about it.

But I guess the paci used to help with her nightmares. Now she has no sense of security without the paci and is vulnerable when these stressful dreams happen. And I suppose it doesn’t help that she is very aware that her Daa-Tee is not here. My poor baby.

Chris left for Melbourne yesterday for his cousin’s wedding coming up this Friday. So for the next 1.5 weeks, it’s just going to be Pooks and me at home. Today was our first full day together with Chris, and it actually went pretty well… overall, anyway. Swim class was good this morning — it was Kaia’s first class where I got in the water with her instead of Chris, and she was actually very focused and followed instructions well. The leader of the swim group said she just needs to tilt her chin up a bit more during independent float, and then she can graduate and move on to level 3 class, which means she won’t need to have a caregiver in the water with her. I think we are all looking forward to that day for many reasons.

After we came back from her swim class, we spent the rest of the morning cooking and baking together. Kaia was in a happy mood almost all morning. Sunday late mornings are always fun with her eating because we don’t really put her in a high chair much anymore; she will usually eat as I cook, and it feels like less pressure on both sides. She’s more likely to eat the food since she’s watching it be prepared. Today, she even ate quite a bit of completely raw cremini and king oyster mushrooms, plus raw gai lan, which I never, ever eat raw… At her insistence, we also made muffins. This time, we made apple banana oat muffins with some extra sunflower seeds for crunch. She ate four of them in one go.

Together, we made stir-fried gailan, spicy sesame king oyster mushrooms, air-fryer garlic cremini mushrooms, air-fryer roasted za’atar carrots, and apple banana oat muffins. Sometimes, she got bored and went to go play with her xylophone or her train. Other times, when I’d announce I am doing something and asked if she wanted to see it or “try” something, she’d come running back and up the stool in the kitchen to watch the stir-frying action or the mixing of the muffin batter. She especially loved seeing the muffin batter come together since it meant she got apple sauce…. and even finished the remainder in the jar.

Kaia didn’t fall asleep for her afternoon nap until almost 4pm, which meant she had a late wake-up time. She had a decent dinner, but a terrible bath, during which I insisted we use conditioner (she HATES double hair cleaning, which is why we usually just do shampoo and then do a conditioner spray after). Her tangles have gotten worse, and the liquid conditioner always makes her hair easier to manage (she definitely has my hair!).

Bedtime was frustrating. She pretended to sleep, then every time I’d leave the room, she’d cry. A couple times, she demanded “Daa-TEE!” but I’d insist he wasn’t here. “Where is Daddy?” I’d say. He’s in… Melbourne.” And I’d have her repeat after me.

Kaia would repeat after me, but also resume her pretend sleep game. She knew what she was doing. She even giggled a few times when she knew I realized her “game.” So I ordered her to go to my bed, which she happily did. She fell asleep within 15 minutes.

I got about 1.5 hours to myself during her nap, most of that time spent cleaning, then 15 minutes to myself before bed. This is what solo parenting is like, especially with a toddler who is very aware of who is and isn’t there.

Welp, I hope this isn’t her sleep pattern every night this week…