I’ve really become so soft since becoming a mother. I’m probably a bit more sensitive. I tear up and cry more easily at things. I’m definitely a lot more sentimental. But it wasn’t until today when Kaia finally made me cry because of something she said.

I was sitting at my in-laws’ dining table, indulging Kaia with fresh lychees I’d just peeled for her to enjoy. She was sitting there happily, meticulously biting and chewing all the lychee flesh around the little pits and spitting them out into her bowl. I rubbed her back and asked her if she loved me in Chinese.

She shook her head and said no.

I asked her why she didn’t love me. She hesitated between lychee bites. And she said, “I’m not happy, mummy. I’m sad.”

“Pookster, why are you sad?” I asked back, concerned.

“Because… because… because I’m a big girl,” Kaia slowly responded, looking down at her lychees, then at me. “I’m not mumma’s baby anymore.”

My eyes immediately welled up with tears, and they started falling down my face. I gave her a big hug and held her tightly. “Oh, Pookster! Nooooooooo. You will always, always be mumma’s baby no matter how old you are. You’re a big girl now, yes, but you will always be my baby. I will always love you no matter what. Always remember that, okay?”

Kaia looked down again, then peered up at me and smiled. “I love you, Mumma!” And then she reached out to hold my hand.

My baby is just so thoughtful, so sweet and affectionate. Since she was a baby, to me she has seemed like a deep thinker who usually thinks before she speaks, and thinks long and hard about things we say and tell her. I was of course sad at the sentiments she expressed. But I was also so sad, shocked, and even impressed at the depth of her thought. To think that at age 3, she is already thinking about her own evolution and how she is seen through my eyes is crazy. Every single damn day, this child impresses me and gives me new emotions. I’m so freaking proud to be her mummy.

Since she started showing signs of shame around pooping earlier this year, Kaia has not pooped at school. Back then, she was still in diapers, but she would still wait until she got home to poop. Then we went through potty training in August. She mastered peeing in the potty right away, but poop was a struggle initially. After several weeks of hiccups, she finally started getting comfortable with “letting go.” She pooped easily in her small potty at home. But it took some coaxing for her to poop in hotels. She would never poop at school. Every time we asked, the teachers always said she’d only pee in the potty at school. We kept hoping, though. Chris even said that when she finally pooped at school (in the potty, NOT in her pants!), he’d get her a pair of shoes with lights, which she’d been asking for since she started at this school in September.

Then came the last day of school for Kaia this year on December 6. At pickup, I got a quick debrief of her day from the admin. And before we left, she stopped me and said, “Oh, wait! I almost forgot! Something amazing happened today, Mommy! KAIA POOPED IN THE POTTY!”

She reported to me that Kaia had simply told them she wanted to go to the potty. She hopped on top of the toilet, took her little dump, and then declared she was “All done!” And the teacher was shocked to see she had pooped.

My baby is most definitely growing up. Her bowel movements are getting more comfortable everywhere, including school! She doesn’t just poop at home and at fancy hotels anymore!

If there is something to always be aware of when it comes to young children, it’s to know that things will rarely go as expected, and your child is unlikely to feel how you think they will feel about literally almost anything.

Kaia excitedly wore her winter princess dress that my friend got her last year for her birthday party day at school today. We also had her wear her new light-up shoes that Chris got her, which she was extremely happy about. I delivered the pre-ordered mixed fresh fruit cake to her school before the party time, and also got her a rose gold (really, it’s pink) “3” balloon for the party. The teachers were charged with passing out goodie bags to her and her 19 other classmates.

Well, Kaia unexpectedly took a nap right before the party and woke up very groggy and annoyed. She hasn’t napped at school in weeks, so it was a bit funny she decided to nap today. Then, when it was party time, the admin let me know that she was still very groggy and tired. Kaia also seemed overwhelmed by all the birthday attention and was sort of recoiling. “I just want to warn you, Mommy, that she’s not very happy looking in the photos,” the admin told me at pickup time.

And how annoying for me was that this cake that I chose for her ended up completely going uneaten by her. She didn’t seem to like it and just took one bite of it, declaring she was all done. All her classmates went nuts over the cake; there was literally nothing leftover even for the teachers (which was crazy because this was a large cake!!). I’m sad I wasn’t even able to try it out myself.

At least Kaia was completely enamored by her 3 balloon. She kept hugging it and holding it the entire ride back to the Upper East Side. I took her to the doctor’s office for a COVID booster, went to Trader Joe’s with her proudly holding her balloon, then ran an errand at Duane Reade before heading home. When we finally got home, she had a tantrum that lasted over 20 minutes because she didn’t want to take off her light-up shoes. I knew this would happen. I eventually coaxed her out of the shoes. We spent some time making pumpkin tiramisu for dessert tomorrow when my friend and her mom come over, and she enjoyed time with her goodie bag contents, especially her stickers and bubbles. I presented her second pair of light-up shoes I got her from an Amazon Black Friday deal, and she insisted she go to sleep with them.

Toddlers and their tantrums and big feelings. I honestly feel like her tantrums have gotten worse in the last few weeks. Maybe the “terrible 2s” really aren’t so terrible, and that what we should really be more concerned about are the “terrifying 3s” when kids have developed even stronger opinions, larger vocabularies, and likely even larger “big feelings.” I try to take it in stride, but wow. Sometimes, these moments really, really do test my patience.

Since Kaia has started at her new school in Manhattan Chinatown, there have already been a number of birthdays that have been celebrated across the 2s, 3s (her class), and the 4K class. Cake, fun snacks, and goodie bags have been provided by the families, and so we thought Kaia would like it if we also did this for her early birthday celebration for her classmates, as they are essentially her day-to-day friends. She clearly loves birthdays and parties, and she has been saying she wants her own birthday event endlessly. Chris organized all the goodie bags for the three classes, and I am taking care of ordering her birthday cake (a mixed fresh fruit sponge cake from Manna House Bakery, one of my favorite spots, in Chinatown) and birthday balloon and delivering them to the school.

Kaia knows she’s having a little birthday party at school. She’s been talking nonstop about her birthday party, her birthday cake, and her presents. As one of her many gifts, Chris got her the most requested present she’s had since September: shoes with lights on them. Chris told her she would get shoes with lights — *if* she only pooped in the potty. And Pookster certainly listened. She’s had zero poop accidents since as far as I can remember now. Chris unveiled the shoes to her tonight, and she went nuts: she immediately wanted to put them on and constantly stomped her feet on the floor to get the lights to twinkle. She even wanted to take them to bed with her along with one of the goodie bags!

It makes me so happy to watch her face light up when she sees things that excite her, like shoes with lights, or a cake she knows is just for her. Her excitement is pure, unadulterated, and unambiguous. Unfortunately, the school wouldn’t let us be there for her little birthday party, so I asked them to share the photos directly with us so we’d have the original files. I’m sure we will have more birthday festivities for her once we’re in Melbourne, but I know she will enjoy all the attention and the party centered around her with her classmates.

People often ask us if Kaia prefers one of us over the other. I think for the longest time, she preferred Chris for comforting and holding, but occasionally in the last year, she has shown a preference for me. I think it’s very much situational: if one of us is not giving her what she wants, she will prefer the other and say she doesn’t like the other parent. That’s typical and expected toddler behavior, so I try not to let it get to me when she says things like “I don’t like mummy” or “I don’t want mummy.”

Tonight, I went out to meet a friend visiting from out of town for dinner. Before I even said anything, she knew I was getting ready to go out. She got feisty and said she didn’t want mummy to leave, that she wanted mummy to stay. I explained to her that mummy’s friend is in town and wants to have dinner, so I will just be out for few hours and come back. She had a melt town in the doorway and said she didn’t want me to leave and go out with friends. She kept demanding, “I want a hug! I want a kiss! I want a hug! I want a kiss!” over and over again. I kept relenting until Chris looked at me and said I needed to just go, otherwise this would go on until I would be late. By the time I got to the elevator, I could still hear her crying and yelling for me. She had just done a big poop in her little potty, and after most poops even now, she still wants her “reward” of a sticker. So she asked for a sticker from Chris, who gave one to her. She usually likes to proudly show me her new sticker after he gives it to her, but I wasn’t there this time. So instead, she “showed” it to me by bringing the sticker over to the front door and holding it out to “show” mummy.

Chris shared this story with me when I got back. I couldn’t help but “Awwwwww!” at how cute and sweet it was. That’s my sweet baby Kaia Pookie.

Being in the ER was no fun. It was also frustrating because I spent so long there, just over six hours, when I was originally told I’d be there for about four hours end to end. And not knowing whether I was going to be able to make our original flight was unnerving from a logistics standpoint. But what was cute was seeing how Kaia responded to all of it. The night before, when it was evident that I found it challenging and painful to speak and eat, I tried to explain to her in my croaking whisper voice that I wasn’t feeling well and that I needed to rest in Chinese. She responded back in Chinese, “No, I want mama to be comfortable. I want mama to be comfortable!” It was really sweet and almost made me tear up to see how affectionate and concerned she was being.

While spending almost all Saturday at home when she expected to head to the airport, Kaia got upset when Chris tried to get the both of them dressed towards the end of the day to pick up soup and yogurt for me since I couldn’t eat solid foods. Kaia had a melt down and started screaming and crying, saying she didn’t want to go to the airport without Mummy. “We need to wait for Mummy to come home! We can’t go to airport without her!” she cried. My heart almost broke when Chris told me she said this after I got home from the ER.

I hope Kaia is always filled with this much love, affection, and empathy. These are the moments I absolutely love — seeing her grow and blossom and show how deeply human and compassionate she is as a growing tiny person. It would be a shame not to write all these moments down and document them to share with her once she is older and able to see how far she has come. These are the special moments that make me realize exactly how lucky I am to experience motherhood and having a child — a truly beautiful child, inside and out.