Category Archives: Child rearing

Another homework meltdown

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I know for a fact that when I was kindergarten, I did not have any homework. Homework did not start until first grade for me in my San Francisco public school. I had a bit of a head start with learning since my mom was diligent enough to force me to practice writing and reciting numbers and all letters of the alphabet, both lower and upper case, before I entered kindergarten. Discipline was taught to me pretty early, and when I wasn’t behaving, I was whacked (as were most kids of our generation by our immigrant parents). A common complaint of kids of Kaia’s generation is that they do not have enough self discipline. Every single action is monitored and manned. They have a high level of ADHC diagnoses because their parents cannot handle parenting and succumb to simply drugging their kids up, likely with medication that is not even needed. It’s not an individual parent problem, but rather a generational problem: every generation has its challenges that it needs to attempt to solve.

Although I did not have the self discipline or patience to do what my mom did and try to get Kaia to know how to write all her English letters and numbers before kindergarten, I am very much a fan of homework at this age, if just in shorter bursts. I like that her school starts homework at this age; other people will not agree with me, but the reason I like this is that it instills discipline young. It forces parents to carve out the time in the day to dedicate to learning and reinforcing learning in the classroom. At the end of the day as sucky as it sounds, it’s really a test of the parents and how much patience they can have when enforcing that homework is not optional; it must be done, and done by a certain date for teachers to review.

I was chatting with my friend over tea about this last week. She asked me if homework was really necessary at this age. She said it seemed excessive, that when she was in kindergarten 35 years ago, she didn’t have homework (and she’s just fine now!). I don’t think that using us as the example is necessarily the right thing since every generation and its standards for everything will be different. Yes, I also didn’t have homework in kindergarten, but just because I had that experience, does that necessarily mean I do not want my child to have homework in K? If discipline is an all around issue for kids of this generation, we should probably be doing more to instill it at a younger age. It needs to become a habit, one they understand that is repeatable.

So even though once again, Kaia had a meltdown after lunch today and refused to do a second page of Chinese character writing, I insisted she had to finish the second page. We took many breaks. She ran away screaming and crying from the table multiple times, yelling in Chinese that she doesn’t like homework. But I told her: in life, she’s going to have to do lots and lots of things that she doesn’t like, but they are very necessary for her life and well being. She won’t get that now, but this needs to be reinforced… forever, muah hahaha!

Okay, that sounded a little mean to laugh. But I do mean that. We need to repeat to her that there are endless things she will need to do in her life that she does not like. I hate doing half the things I do in a day, but I know they are beneficial to me, and I’m almost 36 years older than her!

Durians and rambutans in the restroom!

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We have eaten in a lot of different eateries and restaurants in NYC over the last almost two decades. Some have no restroom. Others have tiny restrooms that can barely fit a single person in them. Some have restrooms that could legitimately be bigger than an entire New York City apartment. But it wasn’t until today when we ate lunch at the “creative” Malaysian restaurant Kelang in Greenpoint, Brooklyn, when I finally decided I may have found my favorite restaurant bathrooms in all of New York City.

For one thing, the entire restaurant is beautiful: it was originally inspired by old Malaysian cinema and the moody, romantic atmosphere of Wong Kar-wai films. It has rich, plus red velvet with vintage fringed lamps, custom stained glass fixtures, and even personal and regional family photos alongside beautifully cut mirrors. They also have all the old metal tea and snack tins that you might be familiar with if you have grown up in a Chinese or Malaysian household. But it wasn’t until I went into the two different restrooms and saw rambutan trees and birds on one set of wallpaper and massive cut open durians on the other wallpaper that I declared these to be the most fun and aesthetically pleasing (and unexpected!) restaurant restrooms in New York City.

Kaia also immediately noticed these: She first confused the rambutans for lychees, then fought with me and insisted that I was wrong, that they had to be lychees (I just gave in, because what was I to gain?). Then in the second restroom when we went to wash our hands after we finished lunch, she immediately yelled out that there were durians everywhere!

“榴莲! 榴莲! (Liúlián! Liúlián!” Kaia excitedly kept repeating over and over as she pointed at the wallpaper.

I just never expected to see durians in a restroom before. This tickled me all day long. And what made me laugh in my head even more was that a lot of people would have no clue what this wallpaper design was even of! Here’s yet another case of #iykyk!

The food here was also ridiculously good; service was also very attentive. I’m likely going to be thinking about this place and its food for a long while!

Moms’ night out at Paint N’Pour

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Kaia’s school’s parent association organized a moms’ night out event tonight at the local Paint N’Pour just a couple blocks from the school. Although I am terrible at painting, I decided I would go for the parent socializing and of course, the drinks that would be covered. Paint N’Pour is a bit different from other similar venues in that the drinks are fully covered (and unlimited, as dangerous as that can be!), and they exclusively serve top-shelf alcohol. They also try to keep the vibe very fun and festive, borderline like painting while at a night club. Given that we had rented an entire room, there was a bit of a premium per entry (this was a self-pay event, so not covered by the parent association or the school at all), but I will say that for what we paid for our two hours, it was time well spent. Our instructor was really engaging and gave really clear, easy-to-follow instructions. He also injected humor into the class throughout our time together. He was also very hands-on, and anyone who had questions was quickly attended to and taken care of. The drinks were also fun: all the specialty cocktails had fun drinks like Picasso Punch or Mona Lisa Margarita. They were also very well made!

I got to chat with some moms I already knew in Kaia’s kindergarten class, a few other moms who had kids on the Spanish track at the school, plus moms of older children on the Mandarin track. The mom I probably spent the most time talking with is originally from Nancheng, China. She was in China until age 18, when she went to Japan for college and really didn’t like it. She ended up coming to the U.S. for a PhD program in chemistry and has been here ever since. We were talking about what Kaia was currently doing for homework and discussed Chinese stroke practice. She told me she was embarrassed to admit that after all these years of living outside of China, she actually has forgotten to write most characters other than the extremely basic ones. Given she rarely writes in Chinese anymore and most communication is digital, she just types it out when she communicates with her family/Chinese friends, so there’s really not much need. It made me feel a little better that sometimes when I am looking at characters that I recognize, I actually have forgotten the stroke order on some of them. I haven’t really written any Chinese regularly since about 2007, so it’s been almost 20 years for me since I would write Chinese every day for class. It’s just another example of how, if you do not use or practice a skill, it will eventually just disappear. I told her that I used to be quite fluent in Taishanese/Toisanese as a child. But after my grandma died, I completely lost the ability to speak it; it’s just another case in point. I can still recognize it now and understand the basic Chinatown-type conversations I hear when I am down there, but that’s about it.

I am really hoping that one day, when Kaia is no longer at this Chinese immersion school, that there will be a desire and an active way for her to retain her Chinese language abilities; I am clearly not enough. It would make me really sad to think that she could possibly lose all these bilingual skills she is learning. But I suppose only time will tell.

Line up, line up!

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Kaia has really been immersed in Chinese since she started at her current school. Sometimes, she tells me what she’s learning and what things mean, even when I don’t ask. I never formally learned any Mandarin Chinese until college, so a lot of the seemingly basic, kindergarten-level things she’s learning are things I never learned myself. But because I did study it, I pick up a lot of these things simply based on context. For example, she kept saying that they often do work in small groups; she never explicitly said that. But she did say, “G and I are in B 组 (zǔ); but C and M are in A 组 (zǔ).” Based that, it’s clear to me that 组 (zǔ) means team or small group.

While observing the kids at soccer yesterday, I also saw a few of them line up and act silly. As they lined up when going up the stairs from the gym, they chanted, “排排队，排排队，一个跟着一个排. That is “Pái pái duì, pái pái duì, yīgè gēnzhe yīgè pái” or, “Line up, line up, one following right behind the other.” There is something really sweet and almost magical about a bunch of kindergarten kids, chanting the exact same words in perfect unison, all wearing the same uniform.

I wasn’t very pleased that her school had a dress code when we first learned about it; it’s essentially a school uniform, but the colors for top and bottom change by day of the week. But now that we’re over a month into it, I will admit that it does make life easier. I don’t have to fight with her in the morning regarding what she’s going to wear; she knows what day requires which colors. She sees all the other kids wearing the exact same thing, so there’s no reason to whine or have comparisons. Because all the kids are wearing the same thing, they all match, and she does enjoy matching. And well, I do admit that it is really adorable seeing all the kids matching and wearing the same thing every day: it does make school seem more formal and serious.

Plus, as they chant “排排队，排排队，一个跟着一个排,” it looks and sounds better to me when they are all in uniform! Plus yesterday, they were especially matching because three of them had the same single braid hairdo!

Observation days for after school enrichment

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Kaia is enrolled at the after school program at her school. In addition to general after school, which is supposed to have a mix of structured activities and homework help, parents also have the option of enrolling kids in specific enrichment programs. These can range from arts, robotics, and musical instrument learning, to sports like tennis or soccer. We enrolled Kaia in chess and soccer. Chess would be good to learn an important game and strategy (this is a game I’ve never actually learned to play!), and soccer would be good for her to learn a team sport. This week, the school has given parents the ability to watch the kids in action with “observation days.” We can show up during the last 15 minutes of the program to see the kids doing their given activity.

I was the first parent to show up at the observation for today’s soccer. About five other parents trickled in. And I’ll be honest: I wasn’t that happy about what I saw. I saw a single adult coach trying to manage over 20 kids of ages ranging from kindergarten to fifth grade. Half the kids were participating in some form and listening, while the other half were goofing off, doing their own silly things (Kaia included, unfortunately). I really think there should’ve been at least one other adult for authority and direction. Being a lone coach amongst this many kids varying in ages is too tough. For the entire 15 minutes I was there, I don’t think I saw Kaia kick the ball even once! Based on what I watched, I am not fully clear she even understands the idea behind soccer, that you need to kick a ball into a net, and on the flip side, you need to prevent the other team from getting the ball into your team’s net!

I think Kaia knew I wasn’t pleased even though I never said anything. On the scoot back home, she occasionally would stop and say, “Mama, I kicked the ball before you came!” That’s my sweet baby for you.

I never played organized sport other than during PE classes. While I found some sports more fun than others, I don’t think anyone would say that I was even remotely athletic. In middle and high school, I used to win competitions for running (sprinting) and for exercises like sit-ups, push-ups, and pull-ups (abs and arms of steal :). But that was really it for me. So if Kaia isn’t good at any sport, I am definitely not going to be that disappointed. But in the very least, I hope she understands the sports and tries to participate!

Vermont: Population density, covered bridges, and maple grading changes

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I have lots of fond, delicious, and happy memories of being in Vermont. Back in 2009 (or 2010), I came here for the first time for canoeing, hiking, and the Burlington and Brattleboro towns and farmers market. In 2014, I came here on a stop with Chris and his parents, and we did a Ben & Jerry’s factory tour and tasting, visited the “graveyard” of retired ice cream flavors, and also did a very thorough and delicious tasting of cheeses at Cabot Creamery. Now over 12 years later, Chris and I are back with the Pookster in tow for our autumn leaf peeping long weekend! And we are in luck: the leaves are definitely changing colors. We’ve seen so many gorgeous colors on this trip already!

I started thinking more about the state of Vermont versus New York and California, the two states I am most closely associated with. And as we were driving through Vermont and even in just Middlebury, where we are based during this trip, I thought about how I have always lived in relatively densely populated places, and how living in a place like Vermont would probably feel far too quiet and even borderline spooky for me. California is where I was born and raised and lived for the first 18.5 years of my life; it’s the most populous state in the U.S. New York is the fourth most populous state in the country, with a large chunk of that population in New York City, where I live. Vermont, on the other hand, ranks 49th (out of 50) for total population, and it’s one of the least densely populated states in the country. New York State’s overall population density is about six times Vermont’s; New York City is about 400 times more densely populated than the entire state of Vermont. It’s no wonder everywhere we go here, I marvel at how much open space there seems to be, and how far apart all the houses and buildings are. It’s because relatively speaking, they are all very far apart when compared to anywhere in New York City! The town of Middlebury feels rural, but then to me, perhaps the entire state of Vermont feels rural!

Stereotypically when I think of Vermont, I think of three main things: 1) maple syrup (obviously), 2) dairy and all things related (Cabot Creamery makes some of the best cheese in the country. Plus, I even like their branding and logo), and 3) Bernie Sanders. But when I started reading more about Middlebury, I started thinking more about the local college, Middlebury College, which is a highly ranked liberal arts college here, and all these “covered bridges” I kept seeing pop up as potential tourist stops here. For about a split second during my senior year of college, I considered applying to Middlebury College… that was, until I looked at it on the map and saw how it was in the middle of nowhere. Then, I immediately nixed it. Even at the age of 17, I knew I needed to be in or near a major metropolitan area, otherwise I would go nuts (I still feel this way today, so no wonder I live right in Manhattan). Vermont, the “Green Mountain state,” is also known for its covered bridges. While there used to be about 700 of these peculiar bridges, today, only 100 remain standing. These covered bridges were originally built with large structural wood trusses; their main purpose was to solve for all the endless rivers that are all over the state. The bridges are all quite short; Chris drove across the Halpin bridge yesterday and I walked across it; it took me less than 30 seconds to walk across this tiny covered bridge, built back in 1840. Because these bridges were all wooden, if they were exposed to rain, snow, and freeze-thaw cycles, they would rot pretty quickly. So, the bridge isn’t covered to keep travelers dry; the bridge is covered to keep the bridge dry and protected. This is such an interesting fun fact!

Today, we visited two different farmers markets: Burlington Farmers Market and Shelburne Farmers Market. There was a great variety of vendors at both. I always love seeing the local produce and goods at each city and town we visit when we can. At the Burlington Farmers Market, we picked up some local chestnut and lion’s mane mushrooms (they were organic and so fresh and springy!), Vermont goat cheese (loved the taste and texture of this one), “artisanal” marshmallows created by a local pastry chef, a bottle of local bourbon, and a bottle of local whisky. At the Shelburne Farmers Market, we bought a bottle of local orange wine. At both markets, we saw the inevitable vendors selling maple syrup and other maple products, and I noticed that instead of saying “Grade A” or “Grade B” as I had previously seen during my 2009 Vermont visit, the labels said something more descriptive, like “Golden Color,” “Amber Color,” or “Dark Color.” So I made a mental note of this to research this later. In 2014 (the year we last visited Vermont), Vermont actually officially overhauled their maple syrup grading system, as “Grade A” vs. “Grade B” was far too confusing (I would agree with this). In 2015, this became official nationwide. The old hierarchy that I remember, “Fancy,” Grade A, and Grade B, was replaced because darker syrup was not actually lower quality; it just had a stronger flavor, which many people prefer (including me!). I distinctly remember a colleague who had a spouse from Vermont say that he preferred “Grade B” because it had a stronger maple flavor and was darker in color. But to the average person, “Grade B” sounds like it would be inferior quality to something labeled “Grade A.” Today, the grade tells you mainly about color and flavor intensity, which makes more sense immediately. Grade A is all commercially available maple syrup now; this is the default for anything you can buy. “Grade B” does not exist, period.

So, I learned a lot of new things today about the second least populated state in my country! I’m so happy I got an update on Vermont’s maple grading and how it changed in 2015; I feel so much more “in the know” about local Vermont facts, and perhaps more importantly, national food facts now. 🙂

When your baby calls out in the middle of the night

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Chris and I take turns putting Kaia to bed. Since there’s two of us and one of her, it makes the bedtime routine easy and predictable. Back in the days when we had to wake up Kaia in the middle of the night to pee, I would honestly dread the nights when it was my night to put her to bed because this also meant I needed to do the middle-of-the-night “dream pee” with her (does anyone like interrupted sleep?!). Back then, I had to set an alarm (anywhere from 11pm to 3am) to wake her up (okay, half wake up) to pee. In the beginning of overnight training, we both would wake up, one earlier in the evening, one in the early hours of the morning. So when we went down to one wake up/overnight pee, it became easier and more manageable. But the funniest part when we went down to one dream pee per night was that Kaia always knew which side of the bed to go to, mine or Chris’s, in the nights when it was our turn. Chris found this amusing and pointed it out to me one day. I thought this was very astute of her. Even though we never explicitly told her, she knew that if one of us read to her and put her to bed, then that same person would also be responsible for having her pee in the middle of the night. And likewise, if she had a night disturbance or cried for some reason, it was that same person’s job to wake up to go soothe her.

Although I was happy and proud when she finally slept through the whole night without needing to pee (or pee her pants!), I also felt a little sad. It was like those posts I see on social media where they say that as parents, you don’t always know when “the last time” is when you get to do something with your child. Sometimes it can be a bit shocking, as though something has been taken from you before you were ready for it to be taken away, or as though your baby has moved onto the next phase of their life faster than you were prepared for. Here’s a tangible example: I can’t remember the last time I gave Kaia a proper bath in a tub, but I remember that whenever that last time was, I didn’t realize it would be the last time. She just suddenly decided and declared one day that she didn’t want to do baths. Chris said it would be easier, so he agreed to give her a shower. And that was that. Since then, she’s only had showers we’ve given her!

So in the wee hours of this morning, at around 3:12am, I awoke to a seemingly far-away moan. “Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!” Kaia cried, over and over again.

Kaia was sitting on her bed, eyes wide open, blankets in a disarray. Sluggishly, I dragged myself out of bed to see what was bothering her. I opened her bedroom door. She immediately saw me, reached out to hand me her favorite little ice pack (already water by that time, of course). I obligingly accepted the ice pack to put back in the freezer. Then, she asked if I could hand over her cow… As in, her cow Halloween costume from two years ago that she still uses as a stuffed animal… which is always sitting at the right foot of her bed. I told her to lie down and grabbed the cow for her to hold. I hugged and kissed her, then told her to go back to sleep. Then, I went back to bed.

Unlike Chris, when these quick wake-ups happen, I am usually able to go back to sleep again quite quickly. So, they don’t bother me as much. But I also found the entire situation hilarious, endearing, and completely ridiculous at the same time. There was zero urgency in this random middle-of-the-night wake-up and cry-out for mama: The ice pack did not need to be placed into the freezer immediately; she could have easily grabbed the cow at the edge of her own bed for herself to cuddle; none of these needed to be done by me. But she did this all because 1) she knows I will come and indulge her, 2) she wants cuddles and kisses from her mama in the middle of the night, and 3) she simply wants me to come, period. And for me, this is okay. It’s actually more than okay. I love feeling loved and needed, and this is one of those moments that makes me feel loved and needed… even if it physically wakes me up when I do not want to be woken and interrupts my deep sleep (which it did).

One day, she won’t call out for me at night. Hopefully, that will be a long while from now. So for now, I will try my best to embrace each time and give my baby the middle of the night cuddles and kisses that she wants and needs… Because I’ll never know when it will be the last time. And I do love every chance I get to have cuddles and kisses with my little cheeky bubba.

Balloons are not sustainable

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Ever since I was little and never got to have helium-filled balloons for any birthday, I have always loved balloons (with helium) and have wanted Kaia to have them for her birthdays. I’m not a crazy mom in the sense that I have never filled an entire room with helium balloons or done anything that extravagant (wow, that would be expensive!). But at the very minimum, I like to get her a balloon for her age. She has loved them since she was 1, and she gets excited to see the new balloon every year. Playing with it gives her a lot of joy, and it gives me joy to watch her giggling and hitting it.

I asked the birthday party venue for their pricing on balloons and found it to be quite reasonable, and even borderline cheap for the neighborhood. I shared this pricing with the parents we’re co-hosting this party with. Thus far, they have been very easy going and eager to hear our opinions on everything. If anything, they seem to be deferring to us to suggest things and make decisions. But then the dad, who happens to be the co-chair of the parent association’s sustainability committee, messaged our group Whatspp to say that he doesn’t have strong opinions about much, but one area that he definitely does feel strongly about is that he does not want balloons because they are simply not sustainable. But, he said that if Kaia really wanted them, then he would just relent.

And there, my friends, my childhood love of balloons was popped in a second.

Okay, so to be clear, I am very well aware that balloons are not sustainable and are terrible for the environment; this is a fact. After they deflate, they simply go into a landfill. They are not recyclable… nope, not at all. Helium has its own controversy that I’m not getting into here. But we get a balloon just once a year — ONCE A YEAR. It’s like with things that are clearly bad for us, such as bacon: we don’t eat it often, just a handful of times a year at most! So when I saw this message, while my heart did break a little, I did want to respect his opinion and also let his opinion matter here, so I asked if we could compromise: instead of getting all twenty of the balloons plus the number balloons I envisioned, could we just get one “5” and one “6” (their son is turning 6) balloon so that their son didn’t feel left out when our daughter would have one? Plus, this would also save us some money by not buying more balloons, and who doesn’t want to save money when throwing a kid’s birthday party?

It’s still win/win doing a joint kids’ birthday party!

Visiting a kids’ party venue

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After exchanging many messages between the family of the child we’d like to do a joint birthday party with, we realized pretty quickly that hosting a party in our respective building lounges probably wouldn’t be a great fit. For one thing, my building lounge does not even allow children’s birthday parties in the lounge (talk about age discrimination to the extreme!). Their lounge fee is 25 percent more than ours; it also requires a mandatory extra cleaning fee that we have to pay. None of those fees includes any real help or coordination; we’d have to do all that work ourselves. It also wouldn’t include any kid entertainment. So when I found this venue in our general neighborhood that basically charged similar fees but included built-in entertainment (a large indoor play gym!), I thought this sounded pretty promising.

I was a little skeptical of the space, as the photos publicly available looked like those wide-angle distorted views that make spaces look far larger than they are. But when I went up there this afternoon to see it in person, it was even bigger than I expected! There’s a very large, open play space and a good entry way for gifts, goodie bags, and coats. From the open floor, there’s a stairway that goes up to a fun loft area that overlooks the play space. This consists of two rooms, one large room for the kids to eat and have cake, and a smaller room for the adults to congregate and hang out. I got a tour by the husband of the husband and wife team who run the place, and he seemed pretty relaxed, but also very informative. I took lots of photos and videos to share with Chris and the other parents, and I left feeling pretty good about this space.

I guess I found a little gem in the neighborhood I would have had zero idea about before. And this is all thanks to ChatGPT!

Planning a joint birthday party

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Kaia got invited to a joint birthday party of two classmates later this month. They invited all the friends and family in our entire kindergarten class of 20 kids, and it’s being held at a popular indoor play space in lower Manhattan. As soon as I found out it was joint, I thought this was the most amazing idea: combine two birthday parties so that you reduce the number of parties you require parents to take kids to, thus consolidating schedules, while also decreasing all costs by half. This is win-win for everyone! I immediately started thinking about who else has a birthday close to Kaia’s.

Then at the mid-Autumn Moon picnic on Sunday, a mom who has a kid whose birthday is in late November said she wanted to do a joint birthday because the costs were going up by so much, and I said I wouldn’t mind doing a joint one with Kaia. It would be Kaia’s first real birthday party outside of her class birthday parties, plus her first birthday that Chris’s mom threw, which of course Kaia cannot remember. So I said we’d exchange ideas and figure out a date.

It’s nearly a crime how expensive kids’ birthday parties can be in New York City. Space Club, which is a play space with multiple locations in Brooklyn, charges $990 simply to have a private room for about 90 minutes, and it’s 12 kids maximum. That does not include food, drink, cake, decorations, or goodie bags. It certainly does not include adult food. We tried looking at hosting in our building lounges, but that would require more coordination on the part of us as the parents/hosts.

The research and planning continue. I wonder where we will end up?