Category Archives: Aging

First Back to School Night

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When I got out of bed two mornings ago, I knew that autumn had really come: it was the first time I felt the need to put another layer on upon waking. The temperatures felt like they declined sharply in the last few days, or maybe it’s just me. And what perfect timing since the autumn equinox was also on Tuesday, the actual official start of autumn in the northern hemisphere!

Lots of things happen in pretty quick succession once fall starts: school begins, Back to School Night is scheduled, lots of kid/school events, Mid-Autumn Moon Festival (that’s tomorrow!), and Halloween. For me personally, there’s the AFSP Out of the Darkness walk and fundraising, which I usually begin pushing at the end of the summer. End of summer is also when our committee meets more regularly to plan the walk day down to the T. Tonight marked our first official Back to School night at Kaia’s new school, another reminder that she really is in formal school days, in kindergarten. As one of my gym friends says, it’s a “marker that you’re getting ready to let her go.”

Since we don’t have a nanny or family for easy childcare, Chris stayed home with Kaia while I attended the Back to School Night event. The schedule was a bit too packed and condensed: the presentations were too long, and there wasn’t enough open time to breathe and let people ask questions freely. They said they would take questions “after” the presentation was done, but the hard part about that was after each session, we were being motioned to move onto the next talk. At least this was a good way to see what the kids are actually learning week by week, unit by unit, and how the target language themes align with the English Language Arts themes. A bunch of the parents were grumbling in our kindergarten class, saying that when they ask their kids what they learned in school today, they usually respond with something like, “Nothing! We didn’t do anything! We talked about nothing! We didn’t read! We just sat!” I can related to this: more than two or three times in the last two weeks of school, Kaia has responded in exactly this way.

After Back to School Night, there was a casual after-party at the wine bar across the street from the school. I originally intended to just stay for a bit and get one drink, but I ended up staying until the very end along with two other fellow moms (I still stuck with one drink, though). This wasn’t too long, though. In total we were there for about two hours. I’ll be honest and say that no, not every single parent here is warm, friendly, and welcoming, but I would expect that, otherwise they might be some crazy cult. For the most part, people seem friendly, genuine, like they want to be open to others. There’s definitely a good sense of community overall here that I enjoy. Parents mostly do want to get to know other parents, and it doesn’t seem forced or competitive.

When I was walking to the school before the event started, I did start feeling a little sad and wistful once again, thinking about my sweet baby, growing up and slowly spreading her wings and flying away. But then I remembered one of the books we’ve read a lot called “The Wonderful Things You Will Be.” Then I think about how every stage of her development has brought so much curiosity and joy and love to our family, and how with every new thing she says and does, I am more and more amazed by her development, her growth, her depth of thought. She will always be my baby, but she has to be set free to learn, explore, and love. It’s a beautiful but sad thing at the same time. I suppose this is what a mother’s love feels like. I am still reckoning with the fact that my baby is in kindergarten. It is still sinking in.

“Calling” on the intercom for morning cuddles

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One fun little thing I started doing earlier this year was making use of the microphone feature on Kaia’s bedroom camera. Chris got this “crib cam” set up just before Kaia was born. It was positioned above her bassinet, then her crib, and now over her floor bed. When I noticed that the app had a microphone feature, I occasionally would mess with Kaia on it. A few times when I was at the gym and saw from the camera that she was playing in her bedroom, I’d talk to her through the camera. Then, when I’d get back home, she’d squeal and giggle because “Mama talked to me through the camera!”

Kaia always tried to sneak into our bed in the middle of the night, but Chris finally cracked down on it earlier this year. So she’s actually been quite good about staying in her bed the entire night, or at least until 6 or 6:30, then coming over for morning cuddles. Given the weekday mornings are such a rush with trying to get her ready before I head to the gym and get ready for work, I try to set my alarm a bit earlier at 6:30, so that if I am awake enough, I will “call” her through the intercom, tell her to wake up, and come over for morning snuggles. Inevitably, she will be half awake, snoozing, and immediately gather her things (usually one or two stuffed animals, plus her infamous snuggly soft cow costume from two Halloweens ago!), and run over to come cuddle with me. Sometimes the snuggles last as long as 30 minutes. Other mornings, they last only five or so. But regardless, I love starting the day like this.

I read this quote that made me a little sad because of how true it was. It went something like: my child will remember their childhood as only a small portion of their life, but I will spend the rest of my life remembering theirs. It’s already true: I reminisce all the time about Kaia’s infant days, her baby days, her early toddler days. I look at photos and videos of her from just a year ago to remind myself how much she has grown, both physically and mentally. Her sentences are longer now, her words clearer, and her personality more and more distinct. So when I think about all this and that quote, I really wonder what she will look back on and remember with fondness, with joy, with warmth. I also think about what she will look back on and remember with annoyance or disdain. I do hope that she remembers these little mommy “intercom calls” for morning cuddles on weekdays and relishes in the fact that we could have a nice, long, warm embrace before a long day apart.

Kaia’s first birthday party at the new school

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Another new kid in Kaia’s kindergarten class had her birthday this last week, and her parents invited us to the birthday party today at a martial arts studio on the Upper West Side. I figured we should attend since we’re here, and because it’s the first birthday party of the year; it would be a good opportunity to get to know other parents who would inevitably be there and build a relationship with this new family. I think of this kindergarten class, it’s just Kaia and this kid Z who are new; all the other kids and their families are existing families to the school, as this school starts at 2s.

One thing that got me personally excited when I got the Paperless Post invite was that there was a mention of food I wasn’t expecting: Nigerian food. Ummmm, yes, please sign me up? We’ve enjoyed a little Nigerian food here and there in New York City, but it’s not a cuisine I am very familiar with and would love to learn more about. I subsequently found out that Z’s mom is Nigerian; her parents immigrated from Nigeria to Dallas before she was born. So they’re very connected to their roots, and I am excited for that connection because it means I get to enjoy amazing dishes as a guest at this event!

While the kids had an intense obstacle course and jumped, swung, and danced to their hearts’ content, the parents were jammed into the small front area with all the bags, gifts, shoes, and tables of food and drink laid out. But somehow we made it work; it almost forced all of us to talk more, which I was happy to do as it gave me time to get to know not just other parents at the new school, but also some parent friends of Z’s parents, who were all very kind and fun to be around. As for the food, I got to get a small fix of jollof rice, fried plantains, egusi stew (ahhhh, this was a huge highlight. The texture and flavor were so unique to me!), and fufu (such fun to eat and squish in my hands to wrap up the stew!).

The event went by quickly, in just an hour and 45 minutes. Before we knew it, we had to empty out. The kids got their goodie bags, and we had to drag them out of the place because they never want the fun to end. As predicted by Z’s parents, Kaia slept very, very well tonight.

I definitely feel a sense of community at this new school, one that was severely lacking at Kaia’s last two schools. So far, it does feel like a good place to be.

The babysitter who came with food and gifts

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To date, we’ve had really great babysitters and some flat out terrible ones. The ones that have been really reliable are the ones who are Kaia’s former daycare teachers. We already had a relationship with them from daycare, and so Kaia would not only know them already, but they’d also know her. All of them have been pretty straightforward in delivering on our asks, which are fairly simple given they’ve been with Kaia in the evenings: they play with her, change into pajamas, brush teeth, read books, pee, and go to bed by a certain time. Given the scope is so limited, it’s kind of hard to “mess” this up, especially now that Kaia is older and can speak and understand. She can also report back to us what happened in case there are incongruencies.

Tonight’s babysitter is a babysitter we sourced through my neighbor friend. She is the daughter of a former daycare teacher of theirs, and she also happens to be a Wellesley alum (ten years after me). She is Singaporean Chinese and is fully fluent/literate in Mandarin Chinese, so I saw this as an even bigger plus, as this babysitter could converse and read with Kaia in Chinese. What shocked me when she came, though, was that she brought snacks for Kaia (Icelandic yogurt and a fruit pouch), and even little gifts: a Hape coloring book, a Paw Patrol coloring book, and a Ty dragon beanie baby. She also came with about eight different books she checked out from the library based on the interests I told her Kaia had, and a set of colored pencils in case Kaia wanted to color.

The last thing I expect or want is for any babysitter to spend money on us. The whole point is that we get her time/labor in exchange for an hourly babysitter rate. So after she left, I told her to please not do this again The library books are fine, but any additional expense on her part is not. It was beyond thoughtful, though.

I wasn’t super happy that despite my notes outlining she needed to be in bed by 7:30 that Kaia pushed her bedtime until 9pm. She is the only babysitter who has gone past my stated bedtime. So I emphasized when she comes back in two weeks that bedtime has to happen by 7:30 because she needs the sleep. I can see Kaia can see this babysitter is a bit softer, and of course she’s manipulating the situation to her advantage. But I need this babysitter to be more firm, otherwise we may not be able to use her again. I do not want the Kaia gifts; I do need the firm bedtime to stay.

Parents Association involvement

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Parent Teacher Association (PTA) involvement has always been something that I was aware I’d do at some point, but when and to what extent, I was not sure. At Kaia’s current school, by default all parents are considered part of the Parent Association (I guess no teachers are involved in this). Since we are a new family, we were asked to fill out a survey before the school year began to indicate how we’d like to be involved. I said I’d be interested in volunteering time for events and also co-chairing a committee or two. I committed to co-chairing the Parent Coffee/Breakfast meetups that happen once per semester. The first one is tomorrow morning, and the second one will be in January.

This level of commitment to co-chair the Parent Coffees/Breakfasts seemed like a small commitment: it would be enough so that I’d show I was interested in some level of leadership/organization and also give me exposure to more social events. What I ended up finding out was that it was an even lower lift than I expected: all I really did was send out a few emails about volunteers to help set up, staff, and clean up the event. The second co-chair ordered the food and confirmed an admin at the school would be available to pick up and store the food order at the right temperatures. She’s also picking up bagels on her way to school tomorrow. Then, I ordered Starbucks coffee travelers and accompaniments today and will be picking them up tomorrow morning and carting them over to the party room space. I requested a reimbursement with my receipt.

Maybe next year, I will be more inclined to do something that is more involved. But this year, this seems fairly easy and straightforward to get involved with our new school community!

A cooking challenge: whole duck

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Last autumn while at Costco, I stumbled upon a whole duck in the refrigerator section. I looked at it and realized it was quite a gem to find a WHOLE DUCK as an option, and for a bargain price of about $3.69/lb! So I decided to add it to our cart… and then was so intimidated by the thought of cooking a whole duck that I left it in the back of the freezer this entire time. The idea of cooking a whole duck has terrified me pretty much my entire cooking life.

So I finally gathered all my courage and yanked my 4.5-lb halal duck out of the back of the freezer and have been thawing it in the fridge since Saturday night. I took it out, drained it, then fully dried it. I decided I would cook it the only way I knew how to, which is Chinese-style. I created a Chinese five spice rub with my Burlap and Barrel five-spice blend (the best!), fresh minced garlic, ginger, salt, and pepper. I rubbed it all over inside and out after pricking the skin all over to allow the fat to render out during the roast. I placed it, uncovered, in our fridge to dry out. I plan to roast it tomorrow afternoon.

Am I terrified of how it will turn out? Yes. I am scared I will overcook the breasts and not achieve crispy skin. I have procrastinated on this long enough, though. And age is supposed to make me wiser, right? I kept trying to get reassurance from ChatGPT Pro, who has been telling me that while I may be a novice to cooking duck, I am certainly no novice cook. I know the usual signs of poultry doneness, whether it’s under or overcooked, etc. I just need to breathe. So tomorrow, I will do a two-temperature roasting, the first at 325 F, then the final blast at 425 F to crisp the skin. I need as many good vibes as possible to ensure I don’t smoke up the whole kitchen from all the duck fat that will be rendered; I read that it can be as much as two to three CUPS of rendered duck fat out of a single bird!! But as all my fitness app trainers have always said: if it doesn’t challenge you, then it won’t change you!

NYC ID and Union Square Greenmarket

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New York City has a whole network of farmers markets that operate all over the city throughout the year, but it’s a well known fact that the Union Square Greenmarket is its biggest. It’s at its most vibrant during the late spring to early autumn months. During the summer months, there is probably the most variety when it comes to various types of produce. All colors of the rainbow can be found here in the summer! Once upon a time while at several different companies, I was lucky to work close to Union Square and would stop by regularly. Sometimes, it was just to browse. Other times, I’d pick up things to bring home and cook with. Regardless of whether I purchased anything, I always found it fun to look at what was local and seasonal.

Given I work from home now, I don’t have much reason to be in the Union Square area that frequently anymore, but I always look forward to the chance to go back, not just for the Greenmarket, but also because I just love the area. It was where I spent the first five years of my New York City life working, so there’s some nostalgia there. It’s also got a great restaurant/bakery scene.

Plus as I learned this week, Union Square is also home to New York City’s Human Resources Administration office, where I had to go to renew my NYC ID. I was lazy with it when it expired over ten years ago and didn’t go into the office to do the renewal paperwork. Given I already had access to lots of free things that benefited Kaia through my public library card tied to Culture Pass, I decided I’d let it slide because I really did not want to go and make yet another appointment. Chris reminded me that I am losing out on all kinds of freebies by not having my NYC ID active… things I (or Kaia) would actually enjoy and get value out of that were not originally perks. Some major areas we could benefit from would be a free annual membership to the New York MoMA (which I’ve been wanting to go to again for the last six months…), Brooklyn Children’s Museum, New York Aquarium, and the Bronx Zoo. While I’ve gotten once-a-year free tickets to the Brooklyn and Manhattan Children’s Museum, it certainly wouldn’t hurt to have unlimited free access to them in a given year, as it would give more options for low cost/free play dates, especially as Kaia is slowly but surely going to age out of those museums in the next 3-4 years.

I definitely had quite the haul at the Greenmarket after my NYC ID appointment, though. Summer is still clearly here for now but ending, as pretty much every vendor had many varieties of vibrant heirloom tomatoes on offer. Corn was huge and plentiful. Endless colorful varieties of peppers were also being sold. I picked up lots of corn, several varieties of heirloom tomatoes, red mustard greens, some beautiful striped zucchinis, locally grown fat garlic, bright red leaf lettuce, a loaf of multigrain sourdough from Our Daily Bread, and a massive bouquet of basil. My haul wasn’t cheap by any definition (Chris called it “Vuittoning,” the term he uses whenever I spend money…), but I suppose a lot has changed in the last eighteen years of living in New York City. I still remember back then, I thought $4-5/lb for heirloom tomatoes seemed expensive; today, the same heirloom tomatoes are anywhere from $8-10/lb, so at least twice as much. Inflation, higher wages, and a higher cost of living contribute to all these costs going up. But at least I can feel good knowing that a) I am supporting local by eating local, b) the produce is super fresh and seasonal, and c) I know for sure that it will all taste delicious!

Wistful for the past and reflecting back on Kaia’s first words and foods

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Since Kaia started kindergarten yesterday, I suppose it’s only natural that as her mother, I have been thinking a lot about her life to date, reminiscing on past moments and fun with her. While I did look through a number of old photos and videos over the last 4.5 years, what I also did was go back to Chris’s master Google spreadsheet, detailing her feeding/eating/my pumping journey. I included a tab for her solid foods eaten up to age 14 months, as well as a tab for first words. At some point, the words got to be so many all at once that I stopped keeping track; it looks like I stopped at the 76th word. Unfortunately I don’t have dates for those. But these are some funny things I had forgotten about that happened with solid food and words:

  • After her first word “diaper” at about 10ish months, which we found hilarious, Kaia’s second word was “purple,” which is her favorite color next to pink!
  • Her fifth word, which is a vegetable, was “beets!” She still loves beets today.
  • Kaia’s first Chinese word was 面/mian (noodle)! This is very fitting for my noodle loving Pookie!
  • “Weetbix” was her 21st word; she truly is an Aussie baby!
  • Her 54st word, or phrase rather, was “Oh shit!” 🙁
  • Her first solid food, eaten within week 2 of her life, had to be prune juice because her poop was so backed up! Her next solid food was not until she was exactly 6 months old on June 10, 2022, when she was given avocado. The next day, she had both alphonso AND ataulfo mango.
  • About a month later, she had peach for the first time, which gave her a red mouth reaction. Luckily, it subsided, and the reaction never occurred again.
  • She had her first cayenne pepper AND Thai chilies on July 17, 2022, at just over seven months of age!
  • Kaia had her first durian, from Say Weee! and imported from Malaysia, on September 17, 2022 and liked it.
  • On the same day she had her first taste of durian, she also tried hibiscus and lemon verbena in herbal teas separately and seemed to enjoy.
  • The last new food I documented that she ate was just before she reached 14 months of age: this was croaker fish at BCD Tofu House in Koreatown, NYC! This was food #312!

It’s still so much fun introducing her to new foods. I hope my sweet baby always stays this open-minded with cultures and foods.

A letter of well wishes for my sweet Kaia Pookie on her first day of kindergarten

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I originally wanted to write a little letter, as in a real paper letter, to Kaia and read it to her on her first day of kindergarten. But then I wasn’t sure she’d want me to read it to her.. And that she may end up writing and doodling all over it since she cannot yet read herself. So, this year, I will keep it on this blog. I will save writing a real letter on paper for her when she is able to read… which is unbelievably just around the corner.

To my dearest Kaia Pookie,

It is with a bittersweet, squishy heart that I write this message to you, wishing you the very best on your first day of kindergarten, or your first day of formal schooling. 祝你幼儿园第一天超级棒！开开心心上学去! It is trite because it is so true: the days are long, but the weeks and years are so short. I can say with complete honesty in my heart and mind that taking care of you, protecting you, and loving you have been the ultimate joy and job of my life. I don’t think you are aware of how often I look back at old photos and videos of you on my phone, whether it’s a year, two, three, or four years ago when you were just a wee baby, and think about how precious all these sweet moments have been for me. The days were often exhausting, especially in your newborn days, but I could not get enough of sniffing your ethereal, sweet newborn scent. I regret none of my time and efforts in nourishing and taking care of you in the best way possible. I still look back fondly all the time at every moment with you, but especially your solid start days; those were some of my true favorite moments in raising my sweet Kaia Pookie. You were an amazing eater then, and you still are an incredible eater now! Please don’t stop!

It feels like it all flew by so quickly: triple feeding, pumping milk, endless diapering, prune juice (#ifkyk), blow outs, baby-led weaning, your first (and then endless!) words, your first steps, tantrums, potty training, and increasing understanding and awareness of everything around you. Where did all the time go? Sometimes, I get very wistful and sad. But that’s why sometimes I make your Daddy mad and am soft with you; sometimes I just want to sit in the moment with you and snuggle and cuddle and see you carefree and silly. You are my only baby, my one sweet baby, and I want to relish the moment with you. I’ve loved every stage of your development and hope you will continue to be sweet, kind, thoughtful, curious, affectionate, cuddly, and think of others. Kindergarten is a big step, Pookster, but there is a long, windy path ahead of you, filled with lots of learning. Remember: you always have to try, try, and try. Sometimes you will try and fail, but that doesn’t mean you just give up. You have to keep going and try again. I always say this to you: 加油! You have to keep going and keep trying! And when you succeed, we can celebrate the wins. Some things will come easily to you, while other things will be more of a challenge. If it doesn’t challenge you, it will not change you. And change is a good thing. Remember that the next time something is really hard. Don’t be afraid of failing, though; you can learn from every mistake, not just in school, but in life.

If there is one tiny piece of advice I will give for learning, it is to always be curious, to ask lots of questions when you don’t understand or may not agree. The more questions you ask, the more answers may come. Don’t be silent and keep lingering questions to yourself. You want to expand your horizon and your knowledge! This is what school and learning are all about!

I hope you make new good friends at your new school. The definition of “friends” will change and evolve over time and as you get older, but always remember to be kind and share with your 小朋友. You will not get along with everyone, and not everyone will like you, and that’s okay. You don’t have to be friends with everyone, but you should always be kind, always be true to who you are.

I hope you know how much Mama and Daddy love you, how your health, safety, and happiness are our utmost priorities. We hope that you will be open with us about what is going well and what is not. You should never feel afraid to share with us; you can always tell Mama and Daddy everything and anything. We hope you will always see us as your safe space. We are always here for you no matter what.

We love you so, so much, my sweet Kaia Pookie baby. Even though you are in kindergarten now and are soon turning five, you know you will always be my sweet baby, right? You are my one and only, and for you I want to do my very, very best and be here for as long as humanly possible to watch you grow and thrive. Wishing you the very best on your first day of kindergarten. Muah.

As one of your favorite Chinese songs, “宝贝宝贝,” (BaoBei BaoBei) says: 你是我们的心肝宝贝 / 爸爸妈妈的爱永相随 (You are the apple of our eye; Daddy and Mommy’s love will always be with you). <3

With all my love, your mama,

Yvonne

13 years fundraising and writing blurbs to encourage donations

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It’s hard to believe that it’s been 13 years since Ed passed, and now 13 years of fundraising for the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP). When I first sought out some nonprofit fundraising effort to preserve Ed’s memory and keep his spirit alive, I wasn’t sure how long I would do this for or even if I’d stick with AFSP. For a couple years, I thought I might switch organizations to change things up for myself, plus to expose myself to different nonprofit environments. But in the end, I stuck with AFSP because it was comfortable, familiar, and I got used to the setup, events, and the people. I’ve been involved in various AFSP events, including going on local TV to represent them and discuss why I walk. I’ve also been an AFSP NYC walk committee member for the last year and am continuing this effort this year.

Every year when I write my fundraising message, I try to change the message up so that it’s a little different and current to my life at the moment and what’s top of mind for me. The first couple years were about the shock of losing him. Then it evolved into missing him at milestone moments of my life, whether that was my wedding, my pregnancy and the birth of Kaia, and this year, my 40th birthday. And now, it’s really become about… every year I’ve lived past age 33… all the years he never got to live. So what am I really doing with my life to make it more meaningful and to make it “worth” living, both for his memory and for myself?

Sometimes I wonder if anyone really reads my updated blurbs, specifically the people who are in my repeat donor group. I am grateful for their repeat donations, but I always wonder if they really read anything I write. Then last year, one person actually texted to let me know that he loved “the evolution of my message” each year, and how my reflections about my brother and his passing have changed over time. That was something I really appreciated.

So, here we go again. This year, I couldn’t put my thoughts together as early as I usually do, as I typically target July, the month of his passing. I didn’t figure out what I wanted to write until around his birthday in late August. So here I am, scrambling to organize my message and fundraiser just a month and a half out from the walk on October 25! Wish me luck in meeting my goal.