Category Archives: Aging

When your baby calls out in the middle of the night

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Chris and I take turns putting Kaia to bed. Since there’s two of us and one of her, it makes the bedtime routine easy and predictable. Back in the days when we had to wake up Kaia in the middle of the night to pee, I would honestly dread the nights when it was my night to put her to bed because this also meant I needed to do the middle-of-the-night “dream pee” with her (does anyone like interrupted sleep?!). Back then, I had to set an alarm (anywhere from 11pm to 3am) to wake her up (okay, half wake up) to pee. In the beginning of overnight training, we both would wake up, one earlier in the evening, one in the early hours of the morning. So when we went down to one wake up/overnight pee, it became easier and more manageable. But the funniest part when we went down to one dream pee per night was that Kaia always knew which side of the bed to go to, mine or Chris’s, in the nights when it was our turn. Chris found this amusing and pointed it out to me one day. I thought this was very astute of her. Even though we never explicitly told her, she knew that if one of us read to her and put her to bed, then that same person would also be responsible for having her pee in the middle of the night. And likewise, if she had a night disturbance or cried for some reason, it was that same person’s job to wake up to go soothe her.

Although I was happy and proud when she finally slept through the whole night without needing to pee (or pee her pants!), I also felt a little sad. It was like those posts I see on social media where they say that as parents, you don’t always know when “the last time” is when you get to do something with your child. Sometimes it can be a bit shocking, as though something has been taken from you before you were ready for it to be taken away, or as though your baby has moved onto the next phase of their life faster than you were prepared for. Here’s a tangible example: I can’t remember the last time I gave Kaia a proper bath in a tub, but I remember that whenever that last time was, I didn’t realize it would be the last time. She just suddenly decided and declared one day that she didn’t want to do baths. Chris said it would be easier, so he agreed to give her a shower. And that was that. Since then, she’s only had showers we’ve given her!

So in the wee hours of this morning, at around 3:12am, I awoke to a seemingly far-away moan. “Mummy! Mummy! Mummy! Mummy!” Kaia cried, over and over again.

Kaia was sitting on her bed, eyes wide open, blankets in a disarray. Sluggishly, I dragged myself out of bed to see what was bothering her. I opened her bedroom door. She immediately saw me, reached out to hand me her favorite little ice pack (already water by that time, of course). I obligingly accepted the ice pack to put back in the freezer. Then, she asked if I could hand over her cow… As in, her cow Halloween costume from two years ago that she still uses as a stuffed animal… which is always sitting at the right foot of her bed. I told her to lie down and grabbed the cow for her to hold. I hugged and kissed her, then told her to go back to sleep. Then, I went back to bed.

Unlike Chris, when these quick wake-ups happen, I am usually able to go back to sleep again quite quickly. So, they don’t bother me as much. But I also found the entire situation hilarious, endearing, and completely ridiculous at the same time. There was zero urgency in this random middle-of-the-night wake-up and cry-out for mama: The ice pack did not need to be placed into the freezer immediately; she could have easily grabbed the cow at the edge of her own bed for herself to cuddle; none of these needed to be done by me. But she did this all because 1) she knows I will come and indulge her, 2) she wants cuddles and kisses from her mama in the middle of the night, and 3) she simply wants me to come, period. And for me, this is okay. It’s actually more than okay. I love feeling loved and needed, and this is one of those moments that makes me feel loved and needed… even if it physically wakes me up when I do not want to be woken and interrupts my deep sleep (which it did).

One day, she won’t call out for me at night. Hopefully, that will be a long while from now. So for now, I will try my best to embrace each time and give my baby the middle of the night cuddles and kisses that she wants and needs… Because I’ll never know when it will be the last time. And I do love every chance I get to have cuddles and kisses with my little cheeky bubba.

Balloons are not sustainable

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Ever since I was little and never got to have helium-filled balloons for any birthday, I have always loved balloons (with helium) and have wanted Kaia to have them for her birthdays. I’m not a crazy mom in the sense that I have never filled an entire room with helium balloons or done anything that extravagant (wow, that would be expensive!). But at the very minimum, I like to get her a balloon for her age. She has loved them since she was 1, and she gets excited to see the new balloon every year. Playing with it gives her a lot of joy, and it gives me joy to watch her giggling and hitting it.

I asked the birthday party venue for their pricing on balloons and found it to be quite reasonable, and even borderline cheap for the neighborhood. I shared this pricing with the parents we’re co-hosting this party with. Thus far, they have been very easy going and eager to hear our opinions on everything. If anything, they seem to be deferring to us to suggest things and make decisions. But then the dad, who happens to be the co-chair of the parent association’s sustainability committee, messaged our group Whatspp to say that he doesn’t have strong opinions about much, but one area that he definitely does feel strongly about is that he does not want balloons because they are simply not sustainable. But, he said that if Kaia really wanted them, then he would just relent.

And there, my friends, my childhood love of balloons was popped in a second.

Okay, so to be clear, I am very well aware that balloons are not sustainable and are terrible for the environment; this is a fact. After they deflate, they simply go into a landfill. They are not recyclable… nope, not at all. Helium has its own controversy that I’m not getting into here. But we get a balloon just once a year — ONCE A YEAR. It’s like with things that are clearly bad for us, such as bacon: we don’t eat it often, just a handful of times a year at most! So when I saw this message, while my heart did break a little, I did want to respect his opinion and also let his opinion matter here, so I asked if we could compromise: instead of getting all twenty of the balloons plus the number balloons I envisioned, could we just get one “5” and one “6” (their son is turning 6) balloon so that their son didn’t feel left out when our daughter would have one? Plus, this would also save us some money by not buying more balloons, and who doesn’t want to save money when throwing a kid’s birthday party?

It’s still win/win doing a joint kids’ birthday party!

Visiting a kids’ party venue

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After exchanging many messages between the family of the child we’d like to do a joint birthday party with, we realized pretty quickly that hosting a party in our respective building lounges probably wouldn’t be a great fit. For one thing, my building lounge does not even allow children’s birthday parties in the lounge (talk about age discrimination to the extreme!). Their lounge fee is 25 percent more than ours; it also requires a mandatory extra cleaning fee that we have to pay. None of those fees includes any real help or coordination; we’d have to do all that work ourselves. It also wouldn’t include any kid entertainment. So when I found this venue in our general neighborhood that basically charged similar fees but included built-in entertainment (a large indoor play gym!), I thought this sounded pretty promising.

I was a little skeptical of the space, as the photos publicly available looked like those wide-angle distorted views that make spaces look far larger than they are. But when I went up there this afternoon to see it in person, it was even bigger than I expected! There’s a very large, open play space and a good entry way for gifts, goodie bags, and coats. From the open floor, there’s a stairway that goes up to a fun loft area that overlooks the play space. This consists of two rooms, one large room for the kids to eat and have cake, and a smaller room for the adults to congregate and hang out. I got a tour by the husband of the husband and wife team who run the place, and he seemed pretty relaxed, but also very informative. I took lots of photos and videos to share with Chris and the other parents, and I left feeling pretty good about this space.

I guess I found a little gem in the neighborhood I would have had zero idea about before. And this is all thanks to ChatGPT!

Planning a joint birthday party

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Kaia got invited to a joint birthday party of two classmates later this month. They invited all the friends and family in our entire kindergarten class of 20 kids, and it’s being held at a popular indoor play space in lower Manhattan. As soon as I found out it was joint, I thought this was the most amazing idea: combine two birthday parties so that you reduce the number of parties you require parents to take kids to, thus consolidating schedules, while also decreasing all costs by half. This is win-win for everyone! I immediately started thinking about who else has a birthday close to Kaia’s.

Then at the mid-Autumn Moon picnic on Sunday, a mom who has a kid whose birthday is in late November said she wanted to do a joint birthday because the costs were going up by so much, and I said I wouldn’t mind doing a joint one with Kaia. It would be Kaia’s first real birthday party outside of her class birthday parties, plus her first birthday that Chris’s mom threw, which of course Kaia cannot remember. So I said we’d exchange ideas and figure out a date.

It’s nearly a crime how expensive kids’ birthday parties can be in New York City. Space Club, which is a play space with multiple locations in Brooklyn, charges $990 simply to have a private room for about 90 minutes, and it’s 12 kids maximum. That does not include food, drink, cake, decorations, or goodie bags. It certainly does not include adult food. We tried looking at hosting in our building lounges, but that would require more coordination on the part of us as the parents/hosts.

The research and planning continue. I wonder where we will end up?

Dental visit, sans baby tooth

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This afternoon was my first visit to the dentist since my baby tooth finally came out. They asked me questions about how long ago it came out and inspected the gum to make sure there were no tooth fragments still remaining.

“It looks like it was a clean break!” The dental hygienist said to me. “The gum looks healthy and clean, barely like there was even a tooth there before!”

They asked me how it felt, then asked if I’d be interested in having an implant placed in. I figure it wouldn’t hurt to get cost estimates from the insurance on this, so I asked them to contact the insurance to get the full breakdown and send it over to me. I doubt I will end up doing it since the missing tooth isn’t in a visible spot. I also have zero problems eating without it. It was doing so little work all these years as a teeny weeny baby tooth that it really didn’t add any value to my eating life at all.

When I look back on all those years when I was nervous about my baby tooth falling out, I actually find it a little funny. I suppose hindsight is 20/20. And I guess there’s always fear of the unknown, but in this case, I barely even notice that it’s gone. I was scared of a hole in my mouth and how it might make my mouth less efficient. I was also worried about the cost of an implant. But now I realize an implant isn’t even fully necessary where it is. I’ve been eating just fine without this baby tooth there for about two months now, and I have zero concerns. I also told the dentist today that I also don’t have concerns about other teeth shifting as a result of this gap because I’m one of those diligent freaks and wears a lower retainer every single night.

I still have the baby tooth. I will keep it as a long time souvenir to remind me of my weird predicament of having two baby teeth with no adult teeth that ever developed under them. All I have to say is: I really hope Kaia has all her adult teeth develop under her baby teeth!!!

Parenthood: the ultimate test of patience and perseverance

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As I sat there with Kaia yesterday evening, struggling through getting her to complete a single page of Chinese strokes, specifically, the “na” (捺) stroke—the sweeping downward-right stroke, I thought about my mom and all the work she put in for me before I even got to kindergarten. Before I entered kindergarten and during my preschool years, my mom had taught me the entire English alphabet. She taught me all the letters, both lower and upper case. She made me write them over and over and over again. Before kindergarten began, I knew how to write all of them on my own, and in relatively good form. In addition to that, she taught me all the numbers and had me do basic addition and subtraction in hopes that I’d be more advanced than my peers. While I was initially more advanced than the majority of them, that quickly ended by the time I reached third grade. Multiplication and division did not come naturally to me; it was a painful and miserable process before I finally understood it. I do not think I was the slowest of the pack, but I was most certainly not the quickest in that realm. The concept of “carrying over” numbers was a true struggle. To this day, my mom can do quicker and better mental math than I could even dream of.

When Kaia started 3K, I did momentarily think that maybe I could model my mom and proactively teach Kaia these things in her 3-4K years. But I thought to myself: she has a real curriculum she is following in her two years of preschool. She’ll be fine! They’re going to teach all of that to her, right?

Wrong. They taught her recognition and sounds. We all know that recognition is not the same thing as applying and writing it all yourself.

We are still struggling with writing the date on each page of homework. I wonder when we will get over this hump. She still does her “9” and “6” backwards. She doesn’t do a real “8” that has two circles on top of each other. She also does not like to do the same thing more than three times, apparently, and then has a total melt down. I have to let her cry it out. Then, I myself have to take a deep breath and try not to yell.

I wonder how much whining, screaming, and crying I did when my mom started the alphabet and numbers with me when I was just three years old. I suppose next time I can ask. But whenever I ask her questions about my childhood, she has only vague recollections and does not remember the details. I cannot blame her for that; that would be 37 years ago now. So maybe through this blog, I can preserve some of these “fun” and truthfully painful memories so that one day when Kaia gets older and she asks me, I can simply reference this blog and tell her what a total brat she was and give very clear, concrete examples. I can also share how many times we had to insist to her that she did not have the option of giving up, that she “can do hard things” about a million times.

Massive kudos to my mom, though, for getting me through all that before formal schooling kicked in for me. I just knew I wouldn’t have the patience to do it with my own kid even though my mom did it with me.

The beginning of… HOMEWORK

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Looking back at my school days, I had a love/hate relationship with homework, as most kids do. We know it’s necessary to reinforce learning, but it can be a real drag to do. Sometimes when it’s on a subject we like, it can be fun. Other times, it can feel like pure torture. I do not remember having homework until I got to first grade, but at Kaia’s school, homework begins in kindergarten. I appreciate the rigor because what earlier homework also does is that it forces self discipline a lot earlier. And I think in today’s society, kids really do need to learn self discipline and have it reinforced more often.

Kaia gets two sets of homework each week: one is for ELA (English language arts), and one is for Mandarin Chinese. The ELA one is about the things you might expect: daily reading with a caregiver, practicing writing one’s name (first AND last), as well as letters. For Chinese, some of it is just drawing pictures that resemble Chinese strokes, while others are actually stroke practice to begin. For Chinese, Kaia is required to complete eight pages of Chinese homework each week for this term; we shall see how it progresses and accelerates.

Chris coached Kaia through her English homework; I watched over and encouraged her Chinese homework. The most ridiculous thing that I never got warned about becoming a parent is what a true pain in the the ass the transition from “no homework” to “homework every day” is. To be honest, it wasn’t even the homework itself that was painful; she was actually pretty decent about completing the basic Chinese strokes (we are entering week 3, after all). The worst part of the homework… WAS GETTING HER TO WRITE THE DATE ON THE TOP OF EACH PAGE. She still gets the number “9” backwards. Sometimes, she forgets to add the straight horizontal line at the bottom of the number “2.” On her homework pages, she’s expected to write her name and the full date at the top corner of each page. She hated this so, so much. She whined, whinged, screamed, cried, jumped up and down, ran from the table, and got boogery over this whole process. I eventually had to sit down with her and coax her through… each date.

We finally finished after what felt like an eternity. This was a true, true test of my freaking patience. I gave her some apple sauce (from Trader Joe’s, since she said my homemade apple sauce is not good…) as a “treat” for finishing. And then we still have… tomorrow, and every next day of her academic life for more homework. What joy awaits!

Museum of Chinese in America (MOCA) Mid-Autumn Moon Festival family event

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Chris and I visited the Museum of Chinese in America (MOCA) once many years ago pre-Kaia. back then, it was still a pretty new museum, but it was quite extensive in its story telling and artifacts from Chinese people all over the world making a path into the U.S. I follow MOCA on social media, and I started thinking about visiting them again after Kaia was born, as they hold a number of family/kid-centered events throughout the year for holidays like Mid-Autumn Moon Festival and Lunar New Year. This year, I finally took Kaia to MOCA for their Mid-Autumn Moon Festival family event; it helped that a handful of her classmates from kindergarten and their families were also there. All the adults tag-teamed on watching the kids to make sure we knew where they were and were playing nicely and safely. I got to meet some new parents for the first time there, so it was a great mix of socializing, cultural immersion, and pure kid fun.

I was really happy with how the event turned out: it helps that MOCA had a lot of corporate sponsors, so on top of having their own staff, they had a whole army of corporate volunteers helping out with everything from ticketing to manning all the various kids’ activities. I lost track of the number of hands-on activities there were: it spanned from fake “play” clay mooncake making, real snow mooncake making (fillings included red bean, lotus paste, and green bean paste), Chinese calligraphy, drawing, painting, Chinese potion making (out of different colored sand), card making, and glitter wand making. They also had a well-known Chinese kids’ book author come and do a reading while marketing and selling her books, generous samples of (uncaffeinated) Asian-inspired tisanes/teas and mooncakes, several professional musicians play traditional Chinese instruments like the guzheng, and even a very well done shadow puppet show depicting the story behind the Mid-Autumn Moon Festival in China, which was run by a Chinese shadow puppet company that hand makes all their puppets. I am honestly not sure what Kaia loved more: all the endless activities and things to touch and see, or the together-time with some of her very favorite school friends.

While the parents all tag-teamed with watching over the kids to ensure everyone was looked after, one of the parents told me she’d proactively save us all seats for the much-awaited shadow puppet show — in the front row, no less. So as she did this and I kept track of time, I was watching Kaia and her two kids interact and play. One of them was curious about another library section that had lots of toys, so she proactively came up to me to ask my permission if she could go check out the books. I was shocked: she barely knew me, but she was already asking me for my permission. Then when all three went to the library area, they studiously read the books until I told them (in Chinese) that it was time to get ready to clean up and go to the performance. As if on cue, they all cleaned up, neatly put the books back on the shelf, and then walked with me, in a straight line across, into the little theater; there wasn’t a peep of objection or protest. I thought to myself; this is freaking amazing. WHO ARE THESE KIDS?!

They say that once school starts, peers play a huge influence on a child, far more than a parent does. As someone who was obviously once a kid, I am very, very aware of this. So, it’s important for us as parents to be aware of who our kids are spending time with and considering their friends. All I have to say is: these are the types of friends I need Kaia to have!

First Back to School Night

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When I got out of bed two mornings ago, I knew that autumn had really come: it was the first time I felt the need to put another layer on upon waking. The temperatures felt like they declined sharply in the last few days, or maybe it’s just me. And what perfect timing since the autumn equinox was also on Tuesday, the actual official start of autumn in the northern hemisphere!

Lots of things happen in pretty quick succession once fall starts: school begins, Back to School Night is scheduled, lots of kid/school events, Mid-Autumn Moon Festival (that’s tomorrow!), and Halloween. For me personally, there’s the AFSP Out of the Darkness walk and fundraising, which I usually begin pushing at the end of the summer. End of summer is also when our committee meets more regularly to plan the walk day down to the T. Tonight marked our first official Back to School night at Kaia’s new school, another reminder that she really is in formal school days, in kindergarten. As one of my gym friends says, it’s a “marker that you’re getting ready to let her go.”

Since we don’t have a nanny or family for easy childcare, Chris stayed home with Kaia while I attended the Back to School Night event. The schedule was a bit too packed and condensed: the presentations were too long, and there wasn’t enough open time to breathe and let people ask questions freely. They said they would take questions “after” the presentation was done, but the hard part about that was after each session, we were being motioned to move onto the next talk. At least this was a good way to see what the kids are actually learning week by week, unit by unit, and how the target language themes align with the English Language Arts themes. A bunch of the parents were grumbling in our kindergarten class, saying that when they ask their kids what they learned in school today, they usually respond with something like, “Nothing! We didn’t do anything! We talked about nothing! We didn’t read! We just sat!” I can related to this: more than two or three times in the last two weeks of school, Kaia has responded in exactly this way.

After Back to School Night, there was a casual after-party at the wine bar across the street from the school. I originally intended to just stay for a bit and get one drink, but I ended up staying until the very end along with two other fellow moms (I still stuck with one drink, though). This wasn’t too long, though. In total we were there for about two hours. I’ll be honest and say that no, not every single parent here is warm, friendly, and welcoming, but I would expect that, otherwise they might be some crazy cult. For the most part, people seem friendly, genuine, like they want to be open to others. There’s definitely a good sense of community overall here that I enjoy. Parents mostly do want to get to know other parents, and it doesn’t seem forced or competitive.

When I was walking to the school before the event started, I did start feeling a little sad and wistful once again, thinking about my sweet baby, growing up and slowly spreading her wings and flying away. But then I remembered one of the books we’ve read a lot called “The Wonderful Things You Will Be.” Then I think about how every stage of her development has brought so much curiosity and joy and love to our family, and how with every new thing she says and does, I am more and more amazed by her development, her growth, her depth of thought. She will always be my baby, but she has to be set free to learn, explore, and love. It’s a beautiful but sad thing at the same time. I suppose this is what a mother’s love feels like. I am still reckoning with the fact that my baby is in kindergarten. It is still sinking in.

“Calling” on the intercom for morning cuddles

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One fun little thing I started doing earlier this year was making use of the microphone feature on Kaia’s bedroom camera. Chris got this “crib cam” set up just before Kaia was born. It was positioned above her bassinet, then her crib, and now over her floor bed. When I noticed that the app had a microphone feature, I occasionally would mess with Kaia on it. A few times when I was at the gym and saw from the camera that she was playing in her bedroom, I’d talk to her through the camera. Then, when I’d get back home, she’d squeal and giggle because “Mama talked to me through the camera!”

Kaia always tried to sneak into our bed in the middle of the night, but Chris finally cracked down on it earlier this year. So she’s actually been quite good about staying in her bed the entire night, or at least until 6 or 6:30, then coming over for morning cuddles. Given the weekday mornings are such a rush with trying to get her ready before I head to the gym and get ready for work, I try to set my alarm a bit earlier at 6:30, so that if I am awake enough, I will “call” her through the intercom, tell her to wake up, and come over for morning snuggles. Inevitably, she will be half awake, snoozing, and immediately gather her things (usually one or two stuffed animals, plus her infamous snuggly soft cow costume from two Halloweens ago!), and run over to come cuddle with me. Sometimes the snuggles last as long as 30 minutes. Other mornings, they last only five or so. But regardless, I love starting the day like this.

I read this quote that made me a little sad because of how true it was. It went something like: my child will remember their childhood as only a small portion of their life, but I will spend the rest of my life remembering theirs. It’s already true: I reminisce all the time about Kaia’s infant days, her baby days, her early toddler days. I look at photos and videos of her from just a year ago to remind myself how much she has grown, both physically and mentally. Her sentences are longer now, her words clearer, and her personality more and more distinct. So when I think about all this and that quote, I really wonder what she will look back on and remember with fondness, with joy, with warmth. I also think about what she will look back on and remember with annoyance or disdain. I do hope that she remembers these little mommy “intercom calls” for morning cuddles on weekdays and relishes in the fact that we could have a nice, long, warm embrace before a long day apart.