Category Archives: Aging

Unexpected customer news today

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Some colleagues and I had a scheduled call this morning with a customer we hadn’t heard from in months. We had tried reaching out countless times to get a meeting on the calendar with them since April, to no avail. Finally, they agreed to this meeting today, so we spent a lot of time thinking about what we’d add to the agenda. Then, when our executive contact came on, she slowly spoke and revealed that they’d unlikely be renewing our contract when we reached the end date in the spring because they had not seen much a return on any of their e-learning providers and needed to rethink their strategy for internal upskilling. And in the same breath, she revealed that she had stage 4 cancer and would not be around for much longer. She would try to make all our scheduled meetings and respond to our messages, but if she did not, she reassured us that she was not ignoring us; she was simply prioritizing her health, or… she just wasn’t around anymore. She also said she’d try to remember putting up an out-of-office auto reply.

I wasn’t even sure what to say. All of us froze on the call, and the customer kept talking business. So that’s the direction the call went. But it just such sad, unexpected news. I didn’t even know she had any health problems. Plus, for her to talk about not renewing the contract and having stage 4 cancer in almost the same sentence was just completely baffling to me. Plus, the fact that she was reassuring us that she wasn’t ignoring us in the midst of everything she’s going through personally… I was just rendered speechless.

Life is short. None of us knows what is going to happen next. Death is just waiting to take all of us away.

Older, not necessarily wiser: I gave myself an ice burn

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I had to ice my elbows last night while reading to sooth the irritation in my elbows, particularly on the left side. While reading, I completely forgot the usual icing advice, which is to only ice for about ten minutes at a time. I got carried away and just kept reading. I probably left the ice pack on my left elbow for over 25 minutes before I took it off. The surface of the inside of my elbow felt irritated, but I didn’t think much about it since the area was already feeling uncomfortable. I woke up, exercised, and showered, to then realize that my entire inside elbow area was not only purple, but I had even developed a small puffy blister where the ice pack rested!

AHHHHHHHH. I was so annoyed. This was not from cubital tunnel syndrome. This blister and purple “bruise” is from excessive exposure to my ice pack. I started cursing myself in my head, thinking about how dumb I was to let this happen.

I am turning 40 in just under four months. I am definitely getting older, but sometimes in moments like this, I certainly do not feel wiser.

Cubital tunnel acts up once again

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I’ve had mild carpal tunnel and cubital tunnel syndrome for about five years now. Since September-October 2020, when almost nightly, I would have to ice my elbows, I’ve come a long way. I know all the right therapy, stretching, and strengthening exercises to keep the symptoms under control and prevent future burning and flare ups. I splint my wrists every night before sleep (very sexy), and whenever I feel elbow irritation, I even splint the annoyed elbow. I know the proper ergonomic computer setup for myself and try hard not to text too much (this really aggravates my elbows and sadly, is probably the number 1 reason for my cubital tunnel). But in the last week, first my right elbow has started bothering me. So I splinted it almost every night at bedtime. Then today, my left elbow started acting up. I wonder if it has to do with all my single arm planks I’ve been doing in the last week during my barre exercises. It’s likely this.

So I iced my elbows tonight while I read on my Kindle at a very specific angle so that my elbows wouldn’t be bent too much. Icing my elbows makes me feel like an invalid, but alas, this has to be done. This is part of pain and health management for me, and well, that also means it’s part of aging.

The clothes I forgot about post-childbirth and a reawakening

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When we moved to our current two-bed, two-bathroom unit from our one-bed, one-bath unit downstairs when I was pregnant, Chris got a bunch of large, deep plastic bins to make our move a bit easier. Since we moved, I have (very inefficiently and messily…) used these to store some of my clothes and Kaia’s bedding/miscellaneous cloth items. In one of the bins is a lot of my warmer weather clothing, including about four above-knee skirts that I would wear relatively frequently pre 2021. Once I had a child, though, I kind of forgot about the existence of these skirts, far preferring single-piece dresses, longer skirts for more coverage, and looser shorts. These were all more comfortable, and after you have a child, comfort is obviously key. I took a look at the bin this morning and thought, hmmmm. I am turning 40 in just a few months. I cannot not wear all these nice skirts that still fit me (plus, while I do not remember what they cost, I’m sure none of them were that cheap!). I still have to look at least decent in them, right? I exercise six days a week; I still have legs, don’t I?!

So I tried one of them on this morning to see if it still fit. Yes, it still did, and it still looked good on me. I decided in that moment that I could not give up on these skirts (or really, my body, for that matter) and give them away. I had to maximize the ROI of these skirts by wearing them as much as possible before I actually become old and wrinkly. And so, I wore one of them today proudly. Granted, I did not immensely enjoy running around a playground with this bright orange mini skirt on, or going down multiple slides wearing this skirt, but I figured that was a small price to pay for getting more wear out of clothes I have already invested money in.

I might be turning officially middle aged in January, but I still have a decent body. And I suppose I should still flaunt it while I still have it — that is what confidence looks like!

Perks of being “young”: cheaper access to theater and the arts, including the Met Opera

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In the many years pre-Kaia, Chris and I took advantage of a lot of inexpensive ticket offers at theaters across New York City. So many extremely affordable to downright cheap offers exist for those who are under the age cutoffs of 40, 35, and 30. First, Chris took advantage of them. Then, when he aged out of the cutoffs, he had me go buy the tickets for us. We’d get highly sought after seats at popular shows for next to nothing. During all that time, though, somehow I had forgotten about how I wanted to take advantage of the Under 40 Met offer, which is deeply discounted tickets for those under 40 (limit of two tickets) to see opera performances at the very famous Met Opera. When we think of the opera, we typically think of very old White people attending in their fanciest clothing. But as those people are eventually dying out, the arts scene needs younger people to fill those seats in (and pay those exorbitant ticket prices). To this day, I have still never seen any opera. So I wanted to do this just once to see how I might enjoy it.

A friend of mine who is over 40 told me she always meant to take advantage of the Under 40 tickets, but she had forgotten and alas, aged out. So she suggested I take advantage of it. I told her that I could actually get the tickets for both of us — we just had to agree on the show and a date, and I could even walk over to the box office to avoid the extra convenience surcharges. So we agreed to get tickets to Madama Butterfly in early January. I went to the box office this afternoon and asked for the Under 40 ticket pricing. And surprisingly, the agent gave me the paper tickets right away. I got confused since the policy online said they’d check my ID at Will-Call to ensure I was actually under 40. So I asked her about this.

“Oh, no. We don’t do that,” the agent said, laughing. “We actually are supposed to check your ID for your age when you purchase the tickets at the box office. But I took one look at you and thought, there’s no way this woman is over 40, so I believe you’re being honest!”

I laughed, thanked her, and went on my merry way. I’m finally taking advantage of the Under 40 Met tickets… for a show that is less than ten days before I actually turn 40. I told my friend about this encounter, and she told me that I could likely pull off being “under 40” for these discounted Met tickets for years and years to come!

Body weight, fat, muscle, and overall health tracking

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Ever since I weaned off breastfeeding over 2.5 years ago now, I still cannot get rid of this excess lower belly fat. It’s annoying, and though no one else really notices it, I always notice and feel it when I put on clothes and when I look at myself in the mirror. I’ve never thought of myself as a vain person, but I really, really dislike this. It doesn’t seem to matter how much I exercise or what ab exercises I do (YES, I am aware spot training doesn’t work), but it won’t go away. I was telling a friend of mine about this who has had two kids, and she feels the same and says she has the same issue. She also said she wonders that given we both exercise a lot and eat decently, that maybe it could just be excess skin?

Haha, there’s zero chance that is the case. If only it was excess skin and not real FAT.

I was chatting with my other friend about this, who has taken pretty much every health test written about that’s not covered by American health insurance, things like the DEXA scan, VO2 Max test, amongst other heart/oxygen/blood sugar related tests. She was urging me to get a DEXA scan to see what my muscle/fat ratio was, as that could help me pinpoint what I needed to change about my diet and/or exercise regimen. Although the DEXA scan does intrigue me, the idea of drastically changing my diet did not sit well with me. I eat mostly whole foods 99 percent of the time. I am intentional about eating lots of fruit, vegetables, and varying up my protein sources; I try to make some type of plant-based protein (beans!) every week. I almost never eat ultra highly processed, packaged foods. I barely even drink alcohol anymore (excess sugar/carbs that I don’t absolutely love). I told all this to my friend. But she chuckled and said, “Yeah, but it’s hard for a foodie to make big changes to their diet. I mean, CARBS. We love our carbs.”

We were just wandering and eating through Arthur Avenue in the Bronx today. I picked up two pounds of fresh pasta noodles, a box of pumpkin-porcini ravioli (frozen for future), a bag of dried Malfalda pasta imported from Italy. I got a pound of fresh buccacini mozzarella from my beloved Casa Del Mozzarella. We also got two loaves of bread from our favorite Italian bakery up there, Madonia Bakery, plus two pounds of Italian sausage from our favorite meat shop, Calabria Pork Store (with its famous sausage chandelier all along its ceiling!). And I thought about all these carbs (evil foods!) I brought back and grumbled; I can’t not have these delicious things in my life! You can’t take them away from me! You cannot!

My friend reminded me that we’re nearing 40… me sooner than her by two years. “Things have to change, even if just a little.”

The things that give my dad joy: his compost pile and worms

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Years ago, my therapist asked me if I’d ever thought that maybe my parents actually are happy, that they might just define “happiness” or “joy” or even “fun” differently than me. I agreed with her and said that yes, they most definitely define all those things differently than me. But I did not think that living in spaces that are cluttered with literal trash and junk up to the ceiling was hygienic, healthy, or joyful.

My mom tries her best to clean what she can. But I know her fatigue and spine misalignment do prevent her from doing as much comfortably, so she has let go of caring of a lot of cleaning that she used to be obsessive about (and constantly yell at Ed and me about growing up). My dad isn’t a very clean person sadly. It’s almost like he doesn’t see the thick layers of dust accumulating on the shelves or the gunk accumulating in his soap dishes. But while he fails to keep clean and tidy, he seems to be very into his compost pile in the backyard. Right now, it seems to be his mini source of pride. He was talking about it when we got home today, and I suggested that maybe he could show it to Kaia. My dad, almost like a kid lighting up at the mention of “candy,” immediately agreed and offered to take us to the backyard to show us. We bundled Kaia up and brought her down to the yard.

My dad showed us the black bins where he stored fruit, veggie, and shredded paper scraps. And in it was mixed dirt which had been turned into very rich, dark, (and stinky) soil. He used a shovel to see if he could show Kaia some worms, and he found three of varying sizes, all wiggling around excitedly at being moved. Kaia was extremely intrigued, looking at all the worms squirming around just inches from her face. And like last year, her eyes were glimmering with fascination at the extremely messy, weed-strewn yard, with endless piles of dirt, overgrowth, potted plants, and zero sense of order. It’s almost as though lack of order, untidiness, and piles of junk are a young toddler’s paradise for treasure hunting. She ran around it a few times, poking and peering at random plants and pots. She seemed to find the chaos and mess fun — that’s youthful “ignorance is bliss,” isn’t it?

Even though the yard is a total mess, and has continued to be a weed fest since my grandmother died in 2005 with signs of only getting worse and more cluttered, my dad seems to have his own blissful ignorance about it. My parents have both propagated and bought new potted plants that do seem to be faring well, even in the last year. But there is zero chance that any of these plants will be properly planted into the ground with any real landscaping work to be done to make the yard into a welcoming garden or a place of pride. My dad was happily explaining the way compost works and how the worms help the soil get richer to Kaia. It was likely the happiest I’d seen him during this entire visit. I asked him if he was planning to use this enriched soil for his plants, to which he responded… No, because he just wanted it to keep regenerating and feeding!

I thought the whole point of having a compost pile was to a) reduce waste by recycling food scraps and b) create rich soil to help other plants grow. The rhyme and reason never quite makes sense to me in this house.

So, maybe I do think it’s a bit senseless to create compost soil and not do anything with it to help other plants or with up-soiling the yard. But it seems to make my dad happy and give him some purpose. Maybe in that sense, I should just accept that as something that brings him joy. And if it partially keeps him occupied in a way he finds productive, then that’s all that matters. It’s ultimately his life and what makes him happy.

Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) ingredients; appreciation for culture

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I’ve never been a pro medicine person. I avoid pain medications for as long as I can possibly stand, which is a bit odd to say because luckily, I rarely have a need for them unless I’m having a god-awful period, or suddenly a headache is coming on. I would much rather do whatever “natural” remedy out there exists. For period pain, if possible, I would use a heat pack on my abdomen. For headaches at night, I would rather just sleep it off or drink more water. But sometimes, the medication is absolutely vital, like when you get pertussis (good ol’ whooping cough!) or a peri-tonsillar abscess (the miserable joy from last November that I would much rather forget ever happened to me). Then, you have to take the damn pills and give in.

I never thought much about Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) even though I was given endless tonics, herbal teas, and soups lovingly made by my grandma, mom, and aunt growing up. They always said that at a given time of year (depending on the season), your body needs these herbs or these berries or special ingredients. I generally just smiled and nodded, obediently drinking or consuming whatever they gave me and assuming that it really was all good for my health. It’s not that I ever doubted it; it’s more that I wasn’t sure how much “better off” I was now that I had consumed said soup or tonic. I didn’t start actively thinking about TCM until I got pregnant in 2021 and was carrying my Kaia Pookie. Then suddenly, I was reading about all the benefits of all these Eastern ingredients and assuming that of course, they all must be nourishing and making my baby and me stronger! I wanted whatever natural remedies and herbs were out there to help me recovery more quickly and to potentially help give me a good milk supply!

One of my best friends is about to give birth any hour now. And I told her that I would make some of these TCM herbal teas and soups for her after she came home. So now, I’m once again immersed in all the ingredients. I had to restock a bunch of things I ran out of from my postpartum period, and I went to a herbal shop in Chinatown today with English/Chinese/pinyin notes ready in case I couldn’t find what I wanted and needed help. This was my list:

Red dates (hong zao): High in antioxidants; “heaty,” so good for postpartum recovery and “warming the body”

Dang shen root: Good for restoring “qi” or vital energy; helps combat fatigue and exhaustion; nourishes blood, supports digestion by strengthening spleen and stomach; boosts immunity; like “poor man’s ginseng” because it’s milder but still beneficial

Goji berries (gou qi): Combats fatigue, boosts immune system, high antioxidants

Dried wild yam slices (huai shan): Restores energy and vitality; good for kidney health, can increase milk production, cleanses system after giving birth, helps with hormone balance

Dried longan (gui yuan gan or long yan gan): Improves blood circulation, increases energy and vitality; can increase milk production

Astralagus root (huang qi): Immunity boosting, high in antioxidants, good for kidney function and sleep quality

Dried hawthorn berries (shan zha): Rich in antioxidants, boosts digestion, improves skin health

I suppose it’s true that with age, we start believing more of what our elders taught us when we were young. I guess that may be the reason, along with my general anti-medicine approach, that I’ve started reading more about TCM. In the last two years, I’ve gotten more into making nourishing, homey Chinese soups; it’s made me realize that many times, less actually can be more. And I’ve also read more about what traditional Chinese herbs and ingredients I could incorporate into everyday cooking. It’s not only been fascinating and fun to learn about, but the other way I look at this is that I’m delving into yet another aspect of my (Chinese) culture that I hadn’t previously paid much attention to. No, I won’t be using or suggesting any of these herbs to cure anyone’s cancer or HIV, but I do believe that a lot of these herbs can play a role in everyday health maintenance and wellness, so why not incorporate them? Plus, it’s another way to diversify one’s diet and ensure you’re eating more plants, which is a win for anyone!

Increased time spent online vs. with loved ones

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Several days ago, my mother-in-law sent a moving image that depicted the years moving forward and how retired people spend their time. It has categories that you would expect: volunteer work, hobbies, travel, part-time work, spending time with family, friends, and loved ones, etc. The point that she implied was disturbing is that as time moved forward into today’s era, the time spent with family/friends had decreased significantly, and instead, the top place for “time spent” was “online.” That could mean one’s mobile device or computer or tablet. The medium didn’t matter; it was the fact that they were online in front of some screen as the majority of time spent while retired. This made me think about how much time Chris’s dad spends going down Wikipedia rabbit holes when he learns of something he’s unaware of but wants to know more about (and then, I am sure, immediately forgets after he closes out the page). It made me think about my own dad and how he dangerously spends too much time on YouTube watching user-created content made by users who are likely factless and data-less. It also made me think about how my mother-in-law, ironically enough, spends a decent amount of time scrolling through her Instagram and Facebook feeds and watching way too many pointless videos that are sent via her various Whatsapp college alumni and family groups.

I responded and said, none of that was very surprising. Everyone in this chat is addicted to their own devices, so we’re just examples of what the data is showing.

Then, I thought about my friend who semi-recently gave up social media. We used to interact a lot with each other over Instagram, but she said she had to give it up because she spent way too much time doom-scrolling and wasting time on it. Now that she’s almost six months free of it, she feels more liberated than ever. She spends more time meditating, reading things she actually wants to read, and thinking about productive things she wants to do in her future. She never has to look back at her day and wonder where the hell all that time went and how it got wasted.

I was thinking about this and decided that I need to be more intentional with the time spent on my phone. I can’t control that I have to be online for work during work hours. But I can control how I use my phone and for what when it’s non-work hours and days. I really should stop doing what Hari Kondabalu joked about at his show last week, which is falling for “your phone beckoning you,” and immediately looking up something that “bothers” you or that comes to mind that you just absolutely need to know in that very second. Chris does this all the time, too. It’s a terrible phone addiction. Chances are high that it wasn’t that important, anyway, so why do you feel so compelled to immediately go online and look it up? Instead, I am spending more time with my phone in another room. I do not respond to texts right away unless they are urgent (surprise: none have been), and instead, I respond to them in groups at a time. I am also being more intentional about how much time I spend on certain apps and when I use them. After three days of doing this, I already feel mentally better and like my intentions with the world are better. I do not want to be one of those people who is addicted to their phone. And I definitely do not want my child to think that I rather spend time on my phone than be present with her.

A day in La Antigua, Guatemala

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Our driver took us for a day trip to Antigua today. Antigua is the third capital of Guatemala, from 1543 to 1773, and is famous for its Baroque-style architecture from that period. It has been designated a UNESCO World Heritage Site since then and is the capital of the Sacatepequez Department (or state). You can feel the aura of Spanish colonial times while walking the cobbled streets here. A number of ruins have survived that you can visit, as well as plazas with large fountains and multiple cathedrals. The city is flanked by multiple volcanos, including Agua Volcano, Fuego Volcano, and Acatenango Volcano. Antigua, like the town of San Juan La Laguna, is also colorful and very picturesque. It definitely had the most number of tourists of all the areas we have visited thus far on this trip.

One thing I will say about cobbled streets: they are absolutely NOT ideal for a stroller. I am not even completely certain I would call all of these cobbled streets “cobbled.” A lot of the “cobbles” look like they were just broken stones or rocks that were never properly repaired, which is fine if you are going for an old colonial feel, but pretty terrible if you are pushing a wheeled device. We also walked up about 10-15 minutes to Cerro de la Cruz, a beautiful view point of Antigua and its volcanoes. The cobbled streets and the steps to get up to this viewpoint prevented us from letting Kaia sit in the stroller for most of this visit to Antigua, and she was definitely not a happy camper. She demanded all day to sit in the stroller and would whine and whinge endlessly when we told her she couldn’t sit on it. This meant she had to walk more, which most definitely tired her out, but at least it meant she was active and would sleep well in the evening. I have a video of her protesting walking up to the viewpoint, as well as several videos of Chris running away with the stroller while Kaia is trying to catch up to sit on it. I hope these make for future laughs when she is older and can look back on her younger self, refusing to move.

Another thing about being a toddler mom, or a mother in general: I think I just have to keep telling and reminding myself that it doesn’t matter how much I do or what I do or sacrifice for my child… because no matter what, they will never “repay” me to match it (mind you, I never expected this anyway), nor will they ever express the “gratitude” that we may think we deserve. Every time I asked Kaia to pose and take a picture with Daddy, she was happy to do so. She would pose, smile, and look at me and my phone taking the photo. Multiple times when Chris attempted to photograph me with Kaia, she refused, yelling, screaming, and crying. She said she didn’t want to take a photo with me. Chris got several classic shots of my posing and smiling, with Kaia very visibly screaming and/or attempting to run away from me.

It’s okay. I accept it. Sometimes, I laugh it off. Other times, I actually do feel a little hurt. It doesn’t matter what a mother does, but a child will never fully, completely appreciate it, even after s/he may have their own child in the future. I am sure my own mother feels the same way about me. And the cycle continues. C’est la vie.