Since early on in my career, I’ve had a general distrust of people who work in Human Resources. That sounds judgmental, you’re thinking. But think about it this way: trust is something that should be earned and should never be a given, regardless of who it is. Whether you are aware of this or not, you feel the same way, too. Are you just going to trust the guy who’s standing next to you at a red light with your baby?

When something goes wrong at a company — say, some bullies you, slaps your behind, or tries multiple times to ask you out on a date that you absolutely do not want to accept, what you will initially be told is, “You should talk to HR.” But I am here to say…. well, think about it for a second. What are the positions of power here? What is the social standing or level of hierarchy of the person you want to “report”? What is your social standing? These are all things you should consider before “going to HR.”

At every single company I’ve ever worked at, HR has been known to have loose lips, and having worked for over 12 years and spoken with people across industries, this is not unique to places I’ve worked; this is a universal fact. People who work in HR, contrary to their titles, are gossips, and they are more than happy to share confidential conversations when they feel like it. They are only human, after all.

I once worked at a company where our HR director would go out for drinks with different colleagues and just spill the beans on all the C-level execs and managers she couldn’t stand, sharing very colorful details around specific incidents she had witnessed or conversations she’d participated in. Once, I went into her office to discuss some questions I had about our health plan, and with the door closed, she went off for about 10 minutes about our company’s CEO and how childish and unprofessional he could be. At that point, I had only been at the company for a few months, but I definitely did not think this reflected well on the company overall that our head of HR was so willing to badmouth its leadership with a new employee.

In another meeting with an HR professional at another company, perhaps in an attempt to gain my trust and reveal something that was particularly vulnerable (and controversial), an HR rep told me that many people I would never expect to be struggling at their jobs actually are: she then divulged that my manager had sought her counsel and was “under review” (oh, hello, performance improvement plan!), that another manager was also on plan (she actually named names). Oh, and someone on our CXO team? He doesn’t believe that race is an issue in our society anymore; he thinks we all need to be focused on the gender divide!

These conversations were supposed to be… confidential. Yet, this HR professional shared these tidbits with me completely on her own, without my asking or even wondering about these individuals. Sadly, I’ve experienced so many of these breeches with HR professionals that now, I have to assume by default that nothing I ever share with an HR person at any company will be kept 100 percent confidential. It’s supposed to be HR’s job: to act discreetly and in confidence. Yet somehow, they can’t even get this basic piece right. If they are willing to divulge even what our C-level execs say, what do you think they will do with your or my information?

Historically in the United States, the concept of “paid time off” has been a controversial one. The U.S. is the only industrialized Western nation to have zero national policy around paid parental leave in the world; some companies, some of which I have called customers, who are large multi-national companies with thousands of employees, have zero recognition for parental leave at their U.S. locations, and so when employees become new parents, if they choose to take time off, it’s deducted from their paid time off (PTO) allotment. We’re also the only Western country that does not require payment for time not worked, such as vacation leave, sick leave, or federally recognized holidays. These benefits are considered matters of agreement between an employer and an employee.

So it would appear that the U.S. values capitalism, productivity, and work, work, work as its number one priority. And it values human life or human health very little to not at all (we will not discuss healthcare in this post, though, as that is its own disgusting can of worms). It’s a wonder why people want to continue living here sometimes, self included.

But that idea inside, when you are living in a country that has egregious laws, or lack of laws, around paid time off, it would initially seem to be a sort of dream when you are finally employed by a company that actually has what is known as an “unlimited PTO policy.” The average American company across industries only offers around 10 days of PTO per year, so… unlimited? WHAT A DREAM LIFE, right?

Perhaps initially, it may seem that way. That’s why so many tech companies list it as a “benefit” or “perk” when you visit their Careers page or see one of their job listings on sites like LinkedIn. That’s why when recruiters do phone screens with potential candidates, it’s one of the very first perks they note on their calls. But in reality, it’s much more nuanced than this. No, just because you work at a company that has unlimited PTO does not mean you can just take off for half the year, a quarter of the year, or even a full month. Nope. They expect that you will still work as you would normally work as if there were a set number of days you could take off per year.

As an HR professional once told me pointedly, “‘Unlimited PTO’ is not a benefit to the employee; it’s a benefit to the company,” she said. What this means is: the day you decide you want to leave your company (or said company fires/lays you off), the company will be required to pay out zero accrued PTO days because you didn’t accrue anything; there’s an “unlimited” policy, remember? The company wants to “owe” its employees as little as possible, and this is their way of getting there while also at the same time appearing to do something that is beneficial and “perk” like for its employees. Yet, hmmmm. Despite having an “unlimited” policy, pretty much all companies that have this policy in place still require you to “log” PTO so that it’s still be tracked (to potentially be used against you later for baseless reasons). Fun, right?

“So then, how much PTO are you expecting I actually take with this policy?” I responded back to this HR professional.

She smiled. When HR professionals smile, you should really never trust them. Every time they smile, they are just lapping up their perceived power in the conversation. “You should take however many days you would have taken if you were able to accrue PTO at your previous company.”

Here is where I smiled back. “Well, it’s funny you say that because the last time I actually accrued PTO, I had 23 PTO days, 4 summer days, plus the week between Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day off,” I said to her. “So in other words, here, do you suggest I continue taking 31 days off?”

Her smile faded. She paused, wrinkled her brow, unsure of how to respond. Frankly, I don’t remember what her response was to that in the end because it was so plainly insipid. But I did remember to tell her at some point of this conversation, “If the stance of HR at this organization is that ‘unlimited PTO’ is a benefit to the company and not to its employees, I would suggest that you stop having our recruiters talk so enthusiastically about it during their phone screens with prospective candidates, and also to remove it from our Careers page as a listed perk.”

That was when I made it clear to our HR professional that I wasn’t going to take bullshit explanations. It was also probably when they decided to wage a form of war against me. At the end of the day, stupidity and hypocrisy need to be called out, and I don’t really care if they enjoy it or not.

I once worked at a company that had “coffee klatches” where you could get to know people with whom you do not normally work through “coffee appointments.” An automated script would pair colleagues together based on “shared interests” you’d identify in a Google form. It was a voluntary activity, but a way in which you could get to know others across the organization, and thus would build work culture. I decided to participate in it to try it out.

I got paired up with someone who… let’s just say, from the surface level, you’d think we had shared interests, but we absolutely did not. Let’s call her Anna. We both wrote in our Coffee Klatch form that we both loved “travel.” In the last year, she had traveled to X country, and after telling her I was planning to go to X country in the next month, she eagerly shared her “must see/do” list with me. As someone who always loves to share packed lists of sights to see, nooks and crannies that most tourists would miss, and local eateries complete with cuisine type, what dishes to try, and price expectations, I jumped at the chance to look at her list.

I opened up the document to discover a flight itinerary, hotels booked, and a couple lines pertaining to a Hop-On, Hop-Off sightseeing bus schedule (literally, all this section said was, “Pick up at Hotel at 8am; Last stop at hotel at 6pm”), in addition to a few restaurants (no descriptions, just names). If you aren’t familiar with this company, it’s a mainstream tourist company that allows for easy double-decker bus transport from different tourist destination sights in specific cities around the world. Let’s be clear: I don’t really care that she used a sightseeing bus to get around, but this bare-bones document didn’t have any details — no sights, nothing about what to look out for – it had nothing. This was not the kind of “list” I was expecting, and I was pretty baffled that she would send something so barren to me. I genuinely thought she had made a mistake and sent me the wrong list. How would a hop-on, hop-off bus pick-up and drop-off time from her booked hotel me plan my trip…?

Anna was so excited to hear about what I thought of her list. She came to my desk and asked my opinion. “Did you find it helpful?” Her eyes were overflowing with hope and the desire for positive feedback.

“Hey!” I said, startled. “So, I opened the doc, but all I saw was your flight schedule and a hop-on, hop-off bus start and end date each day. Was this a mistake?”

Anna’s face immediately fell. From her outward expression, she was part confused, part hurt, and part angry. “No, that’s the right doc. I just wanted to share it so it might help you with your trip planning,” she responded slowly.

Oh, crap. She thinks I’m a jerk now, I thought. “No, no! It is helpful! Thanks so much for sharing! I was just thinking it might have a list of specific sights or something…”

It was too late. Anna had decided I was an awful person. She had no idea why I would dislike her awesome list. She eventually trailed off and started a conversation with another colleague. Later, I learned that she told a work friend of mine that I was “rude and passive aggressive.”

To be fair: Yes, we both do enjoy travel. But we do not travel the same way, and therefore could not really help each others’ travel journeys. So the next time you think you have a common interest with someone, dig a little deeper and ask the probing questions, and don’t just assume you will be joined at the hip with them.

In the tech industry, and in every industry as well as in life in general, you should always be aware of people who are looking to take advantage of you. These people are only out for themselves to gain and have no care in the world for you at all, and if you can, be polite and do not egg them on. They will take you for everything you are willing to offer them, and then some, with zero regard for you at all. While I am a strong believer in “paying it forward” and have lots of hesitations around a term our current President Dipshit made popular, “quid pro quo,” I am not a believer in people who associate with you only when they have something to gain, then immediately forget you exist after. I find it rude, distasteful, and just reeking of selfishness.

Unfortunately, this is quite common in our industry, not just when people are seeking new opportunities, but also within organizations for Internal “favors” done, whether that is beneficial 360 reviews leading up to promotion/raise considerations, adding “thumbs up,” compliments, or AOPs (“air of praises”) to certain individuals on public channels. You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours. You talk me up to your boss, and I’ll talk you up to yours. This is how the working world works.

Some of these instances are more blatant than others. Let’s look at one recent incident that a friend experienced: she’s currently working at a large, reputable public tech company (let’s call it TechCo) with over 20,000 employees. A former company she used to work at recently had layoffs, resulting in a mutual ex-colleague getting let go – let’s call him Harry. Harry reached out to her on LinkedIn, noting that she worked at TechCo, summarized the layoff story, and asked if she knew if there were any relevant openings that might fit him. She replied back, suggesting he look over their career site and note any job listings that stand out to him, and she’d be happy to refer him.

Harry didn’t respond right away, but while she was procrastinating one day, she took a look herself and noticed a listing that would be an exact match for him. She responded to Harry again, sending him a specific listing and suggesting he look it over. His response? “Wow, thanks! I”ll take a look when I have time, but right now I don’t have time. I’m prepping for an interview.”

Okay. But it gets better. Eventually, Harry replies back to her and says, “Great. I’m going to see how I’m connected to anyone else at TechCo and reach out through those channels.”

So, let’s summarize what just happened here. First, my friend was too kind and actually looked up specific jobs for Harry on TechCo’s career page, and I’ll remind you, in case you aren’t aware, that at large companies, navigating their career listings pages can be a total BEAST and a time suck. Second, Harry’s initial response ignored the fact that my friend was offering to do a favor for him that she did not need to do at all after he initially did outreach to her. Third, Harry, in the end, decided that my friend was not “good enough” to be a company source or referral for him despite the fact that he started this conversation by seeking her help, so he would review his other connections to the company via LinkedIn and try to get a referral through one of THOSE potential channels.

These are the types of people you need to be aware of. And when you properly identify them, avoid them. Run. Far. Hide if you can… Because they are only pests in a world that is running rampant with cockroaches.

One of the many skills that hiring managers look for in tech and pretty much every single job outside of engineering is teamwork/collaboration: how do you work with and share ideas and projects with other people? Are you able to navigate cross-functional teams, build relationships, and work to come to one solution, even when your points of view at the beginning may be starkly different? If you work in any kind of customer-facing role, during your interview process, you will likely get grilled to show examples of how you tread through murky waters with disparate personalities, opposing opinions, and undercurrents of passive aggression on a team or across teams.

A while back, I had to work on a project with someone (he will be called Daniel) who was so anti working with others that when he disagreed with you and did not want to incorporate your idea, he simply said, “Well, let’s see what Jack (pseudonym for our mutual manager) thinks.” End of discussion. No more shared ideas, no compromise. Just bring in Dad to sort this out. Got it.

The project we were working on was a user manual for the technology platform we were supporting. Our team was lean, and thus we had no team members solely focused on educating our customers on how to use the platform they bought via any type of training portal or webinar. This meant countless hours of live trainings and demos, which meant a lot of time (read: money) wasted for the company. We needed to streamline this process and enable customers to first train themselves, then be supplemented with a live, one-time training with someone on our team. The solution? A user manual complete with screen shots and a step-by-step guide of how to use the platform. Daniel was ecstatic; he could finally use his experience as an English teacher in his first job in tech! He spent the next week owning the project, completely leaving me out of it and pretending to work on other tasks when I asked him, until he proudly showcased the 110-page user manual he had come up with (he stole the formatting and style from his previous job’s templates).

I balked when I saw the document — 110 pages? Who is going to use this, much less read even the first few pages? I told him that no customer would take this manual and run with it; everyone is constantly complaining about how little time they have, so what is their incentive to read through a 110-page user manual? He argued, “Well, they bought this platform, so it’s on them to learn it.” Well, here is where his lack of experience in the tech industry truly showed; just because some stakeholder signed a SaaS contract with us did not mean the actual day-to-day users would adopt the product. He did not get this… at all. I tried to explain to him, and he kept going back to, “Well, they bought this, so they should use it.”

“Yes, but 110 pages is not a reasonable ask,” I responded. “It’s WAY too long!”

“It’s mostly just screen shots and pictures,” he fought back. He refused to make it shorter or even consider cutting specific words out of the document which I thought were just plain verbose. He wouldn’t even give me the document so that I could edit it. He was that resistant to even considering a change. Plus, there was no way in hell I was going to create a user manual from scratch if he’d already started work on one.

I went to our mutual manager Jack and told him my point of view. He agreed, saying it should be shorter (Daniel was NOT happy with this), but we could still keep the 110-page version (Daniel was thrilled with this – he wasted endless paper printing out many copies of these and placing them all over the office. For the record, no one ever opened a single copy). So, now I was tasked with taking Daniel’s guide and condensing it. Within a few days, I got it down to just 15 pages – yes, with the screen shots and pictures. We eventually shared this with every new customer who was onboarded. To be frank, there weren’t that many new customers, but hey, I got my point across that 110 pages wasn’t going to fly!

I became a manager pretty early on in my career. While it began as player-coaching, it eventually evolved into at one point, having 5-6 direct reports all having a dotted line to me. I didn’t really think anything of it, as I always imagined at some point, I’d be in a management role and have management responsibilities. I was prepared and poised to lead, and based on feedback and performance reviews, it looked like I did pretty well as a manager. What I was not prepared for was having people report to me who not only were older than me and less experienced in this specific industry, but also being agist and sexist against me.

One of my direct reports (let’s call him Dave) repeatedly gave me a hard time not only because I was a few years younger than him, but because I was his female boss. He frequently made comments about how ridiculous it was that he reported to me despite having more overall work experience than me (I use to clarify and say that while he did, in fact, have more work experience, he did not have more experience in this realm, and thus if he had problems, he could speak to our team lead about this), how I was a feminist (always with a derogatory, negative tone), how he didn’t always have to follow everything I said. And when he didn’t follow what I said, he inevitably made mistakes. Some of them cost the company quite a bit of money, and for that, our team lead (Ogre) would then drag him into a room and verbally ream him. We had multiple layoffs at this company, and during one of them, Dave was actually on the chopping block; HR confirmed this with me. I nearly went hysterical at the idea of Dave getting laid off due to the timing; we were having a huge campaign launch next week, and if Dave got cut, I’d have to take care of this launch all by myself (read: many, many late nights into the wee hours of the morning being spent working on this to ensure success). I pleaded with HR to either hold off on laying him off until after the campaign launch or to choose someone else. Somehow, for once in my career, someone actually listened to me: they chose to lay off someone else and Dave was saved.

Three months later, Dave, constantly flustered by having a younger female boss, got a new job offer and tried to get a counter offer from our company. While the normal thing to do in a situation like this is to tell your direct manager, he instead went over my head and directly to our team lead, telling him that he had another offer, but would stay here if we doubled his salary (the balls to ask for that, really?). Both HR and our team lead declined, and Dave went on his merry way across the fence where the grass was greener. A few months after he left, we hired someone else who was likely four times as competent and quick on her feet. And she never questioned my authority or expertise.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m all for questioning authority and asking probing questions – in fact, I do this all the time (and have, at many times, paid for it). However, what I am not for is questioning authority merely on the basis of age, gender, or race. Discrimination, much?