Today, we backed up my iPhone 6s and traded it in for the latest iPhone XS. In the last few months, I’d noticed that my phone’s battery life was waning severely and quite early in the day to the point where while at the office, I’d just leave it plugged in pretty much all the time unless I had my Bose bluetooth earbuds plugged in. The phone was constantly desperate to be charged. The pull to get email and other updates had slowed down, and it was really bothering me. I’d had this phone for about three years at this point, and unfortunately, I recognized that I was being pulled into the Apple fanboy base in the same way that other Apple product users were; I wanted a faster phone. And these phones were designed to not last forever and be as performant. We are all being brainwashed to want something better, faster, newer, more efficient. And so I caved in and got the stupid XS today.

I have no sentimentality when it comes to technology. My iPhone 6s will be taken apart and recycled for parts for future phones. Who cares. Bye bye. It once served its purpose and now will serve a new purpose in getting taken apart and reused. I guess I don’t have much sentimentality when it comes to most physical things I own. Chris has talked about selling my engagement ring once diamonds actually do increase in value in the mid 2020s (thanks to the brainwashed mainland Chinese people who actually are buying diamonds so fast that there will truly be a diamond scarcity; who would’ve thunk it?!). And I’m genuinely okay with it if it means that a profit could be made, and something more special, more attractive, and actual rare could take its place. In retrospect, I am saddened by the fact that I was brainwashed into the DeBeers’s marketing scam that “a diamond is forever,” and the trite belief that that is what a wedding engagement ring should be. Now, I actually occasionally oogle over the beautiful and rare bi-colored sapphires I see in my Instagram feed — gemstones that truly are rare in nature that are also worth quite more than a diamond.

Human beings are so predictable. We just want all the same crap other people want. So, it’s refreshing when people rebel from the status quo and want something different. But I still can’t live without my smartphone, though.

It’s been a long work week. Every day this week has felt long and tiring. Even on the nights I was social and spent time with friends and colleagues, I really looked forward to coming home to a quiet apartment to be all by myself. And tonight, given it’s Friday night, I especially looked forward to coming home and being by myself knowing that I wouldn’t have to wake up by a set time the following day. Chris wouldn’t be home until past 1am from his flight back from San Francisco from Dreamforce, so I’d have a lot of downtime to think and be on my own. I came home, made my dinner, watched two Ali Wong specials and two episodes of Ken Burns’s Vietnam War documentary. I did laundry, had some at-home facial time, and even replenished my homemade chili oil since we ran out of our batch when my colleagues came over for brunch this past weekend. A colleague messaged me to ask what I was doing and if I wanted to come hang out in Brooklyn, but at that point in the night, I really could not be bothered. I was simmering chili oil over the stove and in my pajamas. There was nothing else I would have rather have been doing. My alone time is vital to my sanity now.

Over a month ago, a bunch of colleagues and I decided to sign up for Dominique Ansel’s famous Pie Night, when for one hour, all attendees have one hour to eat as much of the ten varieties of pie that Dominique Ansel Kitchen can produce while drinking bottomless apple cider sangria and having ice cream on the side. These were the varieties that we were able to try this season:

– Home-style Chicken Pot Pie with Butter Biscuit Crust
– Slow Braised Pork Shank Pie with Potatoes, Onions, and Cognac
– Artichoke & White Cheddar Pie
– Fennel Sausage and Tomato Pie with Sage and Melted Mozzarella
– Wild Mushroom Sherry Cottage Pie with Creamy Parsnip Purée
– Vanilla Bean Flan with a hint of Dark Caribbean Rum
– Salted Caramel Harvest Apple Pie
– Nutella Angel Cream Pie with Whipped Sour Cream Mousse
– Stone Fruit Pie with Honey Guava Mousse & Raspberry Jam
– Warm Chocolate Poached Pear Pie

My personal favorites of the savory varieties were the chicken pot pie — it was homey and classic, but with nice little soft biscuits lining the top; the wild mushroom with the parsnip puree; and the pork shank of the pork shank pie. Hands down, my favorite sweet pie was the stone fruit pie with honey guava mousse and raspberry jam. Granted to be honest, the guava flavor was not very strong at all, but the flavor combination of all the fruit ingredients was so delicious.

On the way home, a colleague and I took the train uptown together. He’s been asking me every now and then how the fundraising has been going and has been checking my fundraising page to see my progress. He generously donated two years in a row, and sent me a heartfelt message this year about it.  When talking about his two siblings today, he asked me about Ed and referred to him by name, which caught me off guard a bit. At first, I didn’t really understand why I felt so surprised, but then I realized the reason was obvious; most people, unless they are close to me, never refer to Ed by his name; they always just refer to him as “your brother.” Most people also do not ask anything about him given that I’m pretty public about the fact that he has passed, and I’m also very public about how he passed given my fundraising drive.

He asked me how old he was when he passed, what he was like, what he did for a living. We were cut short given we had to get off the train, but it actually felt comforting to have a colleague I’m friendly with openly ask me questions about my brother as though he was a real person, someone with an actual life and past that matters. Oftentimes, when a person has died by suicide, all they tend to be known by, well, by people who know how they died and didn’t personally know them, is simply that they died from suicide, and that’s it. They aren’t known or thought about for their actual life on earth, their passions, their previous reason for being, their foibles. My colleague today reminded me of this sad truth, and tried to make Ed a real person again. For the moments we talked about Ed, I felt grateful that he recognized Ed as a real human being who once breathed on this earth and just wanted what any ordinary, everyday person wants: to be recognized, loved, and heard.

Every year as the season transitions from summer to autumn in New York, fashionistas across this city regale in the fact that once again, their favorite time of the year to get dressed has come. Light sweaters! Booties! Scarves! Ponchos! Layering! It’s all back again.

I, on the other hand, lament the fact that I have to wear layers, am frustrated by the fact that I cannot throw on a dress or a simple shirt, skirt, and sandals, and run out every morning. Layering clothing makes me so annoyed. I hate always having to bring extra things “just in case” the weather changes. I hate wearing heavy, clunky rain boots to keep dry. I strongly dislike wearing stockings. If I had it my way, I’d wear airy clothing all year long. I’d never wear a sweater or a big bulky jacket. But that is a fantasy here.

And then, to make things worse with the changing weather from summer to fall, the subway cars have no idea what they’re supposed to do with their thermostat. For instance, today, it was 74 degrees F, extremely humid, and when I got on the subway car this morning… the HEAT WAS ON. Why was the heat on?! It was threatening to rain, so I wear my knee-length rubber rain boots and my raincoat, and I sweat so much that all my clothes felt wet by the time I got to the office. Yet, this afternoon, with a similar temperature and level of humidity, the air conditioning was on in the subway car. The subway experiences an identity crisis when the seasons change, too: should we have the heat or the AC on?

The subway doesn’t know what temperature to be. I do not know how to dress in the morning. This transition is not fun or comfortable.

I awoke this morning to dark, grey skies and pouring rain outside my window. It is officially autumn in New York City. I looked at my calendar on my phone in bed and realized I had a drinks catch-up with a former colleague, and I made bets in my head about whether he’d cancel on me last minute.

And so around 3:30, two hours before we were supposed to meet today, I texted him to say, “see you soon!,” and of course, within an hour, he messaged to say that he has some big meeting he’s prepping for the following morning and may not finish it in time before he is supposed to meet me, so he may not be able to make it. That’s when I decided, yep, he’s definitely flaking on me.

At 5:15, he confirmed he couldn’t make it and would need to reschedule. I guess my gut instinct this morning was right.

That’s the thing about New Yorkers; the second the weather changes and gets a bit more extreme, whether it’s rain or snow, people start making excuses to not go out. It’s as though the world has ended and they need to go into hiding. This has been my experience since I first moved to New York ten years go, and people always flake during weather changes. People just suck and are not reliable.

I’ve never invited a group of colleagues over to my apartment before, but I always thought it would be fun to invite colleagues over to bridge the work vs. personal life line. It’s also nice to see a glimpse of what your colleagues are like outside of the office, as a person’s home gives a lot of insight into who they are as a person. Is the person anally neat and tidy, or sloppy and disorganized? What kind of books would be on her shelves? How would she decorate the place — with a lot of personal touches or more anonymous things, like candles and plants?

It was funny to have them come with their partners and spouses today because I wasn’t really expecting their commentary on my living space. I originally was expecting a total of 11 people, but because one of my colleagues had to drop out for a family emergency last minute, that deducted two adults plus three kids from the mix, so we ended up being a much smaller group of six. So given I had 11 people in my mind as guests, I told them our space would be “cozy.” When they arrived, they marveled over how spacious our living room was and my colleague’s husband insisted I set them up to believe the worst when in fact, it was the total opposite! All of them obsessed over how clean and neat the apartment was (“is it always this neat here, or did you clean up for us?”), and one of them even said, “You know you’re in a fancy person’s apartment when even the dish and hand soap are organic.”

Creating strict lines between work and personal life was never something I really believed in. In theory, I get it. In practice, it’s too exhausting. And the worst thing is to be called fake or inauthentic. I feel like it’s easier to just be open and more consistently oneself all the time. It was a fun time today, and I definitely want to do it again. For the first time, I actually work in a place where I’d be happy to bring my colleagues to my home for a meal. I’m going to relish this as long as possible.