Monthly Archives: July 2015

Bible scripture

Posted on by
Reply

Every year as we approach the anniversary of my brother’s passing, I find myself reading Bible scripture. I told myself when he died that one day in the near future, I would have myself sit down and read the Bible as a piece of literature, cover to cover, Old Testament and New Testament. I would do this for him. He always wanted me to convert ever since he converted to Christianity in 2000. We pretty much grew up with a lot of Christian values and read a lot of Bible stories as kids, but we never really went to church growing up. After he passed and I was settling his estate with his State Farm agent, who was also a friend of his through his church, she told me he had communicated many times with her that one of his greatest wishes was for me to convert and devote my life to Jesus. I never fully agreed, but I did acknowledge that of the religions I had studied, Christianity in its most modern form made the most sense to me.

I have two copies of the Bible. One is the copy my brother bought for me and sent me off to college with in August 2004. He instructed me to open it from time to time and read it when I was troubled or wanted to think. The second copy is one of his. After he died, I found that he had two copies of the NIV Bible. I put one copy in his niche at the Columbarium and took the other back with me to New York.

There are many comforting words in the Bible, and many words that can be interpreted in many ways to mean many things. But I do agree and believe in what the Bible says about love. Love never fails. Without love, we are and have nothing. I hope when Ed died, he knew that he had my love even when I was far away. Now, we are physically even farther from each other, but oddly, sometimes, I feel even closer to him now.

New York friends

Posted on by
Reply

I love New York a lot, and after living here for over seven years, I wonder how much I will miss it one day when I leave. But then, I remember the things about it that I’m not very fond of, especially regarding how commitment phobic people tend to be here, and I realize that’s the biggest aspect I will not miss.

Planning things in advance is not something that people generally like to do here. I’ve always loved to plan things in advance, so I will usually ask friends at least a week in advance if they are free for whatever dinner or event I’d like to attend with them. In an age of texting and when e-mails get ignored and never responded to (and people think this is acceptable behavior), texts oftentimes don’t get responded to within a day, or two… or even four, despite the fact that these messages are “instant,” and most of us have our phone settings so that text messages pop up on our lock screen when we click to view the time on our phone.

In passing, we always say to people, let’s do this! Let’s have lunch at this place! Let’s get drinks at that place! Everyone is so excited and happy about it in the moment. Then, when it comes time to actually locking down a time and date, people freeze and don’t respond right away, if at all. It’s as though you are literally locking that person in a room for the hours that you will be with her, and she just can’t handle it. So she doesn’t. And it never happens.

It’s okay. I didn’t expect it to happen.

There are few things worse to me than saying that you will do something and not following through. And it’s the worst of the worst when it affects someone else’s life that cares about you. I experienced it from a very young age and then pretty much expected the world to be full of shit. I generally don’t believe anything anyone tells me about what they will do until I see it happen. But now, I’m a bit relieved to say I don’t take it as personally anymore and just sum it up by saying that the number of people who care about me — really, genuinely care — as in, will cry for days if I died and then be haunted by my (hopefully happy) ghost for decades after — in life is really, really small. And everyone will disappoint me. But what’s most important is how I choose to deal with that disappointment.

Evening with U2

Posted on by
Reply

Because Salesforce is a sponsor of U2’s latest concert tour, a large number of Salesforce employees all over the country were given tickets to their sold-out shows. Chris was one of these employees, and I’m pleased to say that I was his very lucky companion tonight.

I’m not a crazy U2 fan, but I am familiar with a lot of their songs. Their favorite song of mine, as is with a lot of people, especially us saps, is “With or Without You.” It doesn’t seem to matter when or where it’s played, but every time I hear it, I stop for a moment and just listen. It’s simple, powerful, and so emotional the way it’s delivered.

Tonight, when they were singing it, I was reminded of Ed. The very first concert I attended was because of my brother. He took me to Seattle where we saw Shania Twain live in concert. I thought about that time during the rest of the U2 concert and became pensive, wondering what he would think if we told him we got to see U2 live in concert for free, singing this song, which I’m sure he enjoyed because it’s one of those “very Ed” type songs.

It’s hard to think about my brother without getting a little sad or emotional. People always say that you should celebrate one’s life after one has passed and remember the happiness you once shared with the deceased, but it’s hard to remember that without thinking about that person’s absence in this world, in your life, today, particularly given the way he exited this world. When he was here on this earth, I thought about him and worried about him often. I loved him every day and only wished that he’d get better and somehow find his way. Every day, I loved him. And now that he’s gone, every day, I miss him. I still love him, but my missing him some days seems to overtake my love for him. That seems selfish to see it that way, but we can’t help what we feel. We just feel what we feel.

Even after nearly two years, I still feel like I’m going to see him again on this earth. It’s just a feeling. Like when we approach the anniversary of his death, I think that I’m going to see him that day. I felt this last year, too. I’m not even sure why, but it’s just a feeling, like he’s lurking in the corner of my bathroom (as tiny as it is, and Ed was never that tiny), and he’s going to pop out any second. It’s a reoccurring thought in my mind.

I guess I’ll never fully get over the fact that he’s gone, and because I know I can’t get over it, I just keep wishing that I will see him again. Because as our parents used to fool us into thinking when we were younger, if you wish hard enough for something, one day, it may actually come true.

Day trip to New Jersey

Posted on by
Reply

Chris’s friend and her husband recently left the glory of Manhattan for the supposed stillness of New Jersey, so they invited us out to their home in Dunellen, New Jersey, today for the husband’s belated birthday celebration and housewarming party. This meant we needed to take the subway to Penn Station, take New Jersey Transit to Newark Penn Station, and then transfer to a final train that would take us to this suburb.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m really happy and grateful that we were invited, and I was happy to see our friend’s beautiful new home — which it really was. It was beautiful, barely a year old, incredibly spacious, with great outdoor areas, high ceilings, and a massive kitchen with stone counter tops. But New Jersey Transit… no. That is not beautiful or spacious or even cheap. Our round-trip tickets cost $23 each. I was flabbergasted at the cost given the distance, the fact that on the weekends, it only ran once an hour, and that the seats were so small.

Then there were the overhead bins. Even on the Tokyo subway there were large overhead bins on regular transit to store one’s luggage. You rarely saw anyone placing a purse or bag on the subway floor ever. Here on NJ Transit, you could barely store a full backpack on the top overhead “bin,” which was really so pathetic that you couldn’t even comfortably place a duffle bag packed for three days. I was so annoyed by the whole sight and experience.

The ticket man who comes around to check tickets — he littered on the subway by hole-punching passengers’ tickets and allowing the punched holes to fall all over the train floors. It’s like litter everywhere, and no one seems to have a problem with it! He’s dirtying up the train floors! Am I the only one annoyed by the filth and dirt?

That’s it. Nothing can compare to Japanese trains or cleanliness or manners or even the price for what you are getting. I think I’m ruined for life.

Lazy Friday night

Posted on by
Reply

Chris didn’t even spend 24 hours back in New York after our flight back from Japan because he had to leave for an early morning work flight to San Francisco on Tuesday morning. He came back this afternoon to just want delivery at home and an evening on the couch, which I was more than happy to do. Although I’d been home a few nights this week after work, I was still occupied with cleaning, tidying up the apartment, sorting through edibles and gifts we brought back from Japan, as well as general housekeeping and to-do lists for life back in the Real World. Tonight is a night when we can both relax and just be lazy.

Both of us are not lazy people — we have huge qualms with lying around and not being productive. But sometimes, after a lot of chaos, hectic travel, and seemingly endless professional tasks (as work was quite hectic for me this week), it’s nice to have a handful of hours devoted to doing absolutely nothing.

Bathroom sounds

Posted on by
Reply

There are lots of sounds that we hear every day that we probably don’t take much notice of. One of those sounds is the sound of our own peeing, or even the peeing of other people in the same bathroom in shared restrooms. Most U.S. public restrooms have doors and stalls that do not go all the way up to the ceiling, so as soon as we enter public restrooms that have others in it, we will inevitably hear the sound of other people urinating.

The reason I bring this up is that prior to visiting Japan, I read an article of a traveler who had been there who said that the Japanese are so disgusted by the sound of urination that they would leave the water running while peeing. They had to do something, anything, to block out the sound of their own bodily action. As a society, they realized this wasn’t sustainable since this would result in a lot of water waste, so they started creating everything from recycled water in individual toilets trickling down to mimic the running water sound, to even motion-activated devices that begin making flowing water sounds as soon as it senses someone sitting on the toilet seat next to it. Much to my own intrigue, I experienced all of the above at various bathrooms, from our hotel rooms and ryokans to mall and historic site bathrooms. Surprisingly, even some of the lowest end bathrooms (you know, the Asian “squat” toilets) had motion-activated sensors that would give me the fake running water sound.

The last few times I used the restroom in Japan, I thought about the running water sounds in the bathrooms, and I realized that it was probably one of those things I wouldn’t miss. They were really more of a source of amusement for me than anything else and made it more apparent to me how repressed the Japanese can be.

Yawning in public

Posted on by
Reply

Throughout the last two days at work, even though I have been pretty occupied with catching up on my very long to-do list, I randomly remember things I noticed or observed during our time in Japan. As I yawned and covered my mouth during a meeting today, I realized that on every single train ride, in the subway stations or even on the street, I never once saw anyone yawn. I’m sure it would be pretty outlandish for anyone in a white-collar work setting to yawn during a meeting the way I did, even if the person closed her mouth, as that would be perceived as very rude and disrespectful. Here, I yawn all the time and sometimes don’t even cover my mouth, whether it’s at work or in public.

I have a feeling that I will still recall tidbits of Japan for the next few weeks as I reminisce on our incredible time there and hope to go back sometime in the near future.

Dreaming of Kyoto

Posted on by
Reply

Last night was our first night back in our own bed in New York in 11 nights. It was probably partially because of jet lag, but I dreamt that we were walking through the dark but well lit streets of Kyoto in Gion at night. There were all these bamboo potted plants and old tiled roofs and traditional Japanese doors, steps, and mini rock gardens. The primary colors that stood out during our walk were bright, golden yellow, warm brown, and deep, cool greens. As I entered what appeared to be a restaurant, Chris walked in first, and I followed him. He walked toward a dark room where there was a couch, and he pulled my hand toward him as he laid himself down on the couch and laid me down beside him.

The next thing I knew, it was about 2:30am according to my clock, and I woke up in our New York apartment. This wasn’t a dream anymore. I glanced around the room, not recognizing it for a moment, still trying to figure out where were were both sleeping and if we were still in Kyoto. I glanced to the left of my bed, where I saw framed photos of Ed on the wall that Chris had hung up almost two years ago. No, we’re not in Kyoto anymore, or Japan for that matter. We are back in New York and back to real life. The light that lit Ed’s photos up were not from warm Kyoto homes and restaurants, but rather the dull, cold light of the apartments outside our window.

Japan is in our past now.

Japanese vs. American Culture

Posted on by
Reply

I’m on a Japan Airlines flight from Tokyo back to New York City, dreading the thought of going home and back to my usual routine. The excitement of our Japan trip has come to an end even despite the fact that I managed to convince Chris to check a luggage filled with numerous matcha green tea flavored biscuits, chocolates, and other treats. The treats will keep our Japan memories alive and prolonged, even if just for a little while.

I thought a lot on our Narita Express ride to the airport about the differences in Japanese vs. American culture and all the things I loved about Japan that I really never get in the U.S. I’ve mentioned this multiple times, but I absolutely hate the tipping culture in the U.S. I hate that it’s expected, even with the most horrendous service. It’s not even about “A for effort” as it is an “A for just breathing and existing and farting.” In Japan, there is no tipping, yet I personally experienced some of best, most impressive service of my life here.  I have so many examples that I know for certain I will share with others and point to when I think of exemplar service. It just boggled my mind how kind, genuine, and polite everyone was, yet they expected absolutely nothing from me other than a head nod and an “arigato gozaimasu!” It made me angry about tip-collecting workers in the U.S. and their sense of entitlement to tips for service that could never even begin to compare to the service I got in Japan.

Everyone and everything is so punctual in Japan. When a train, according to the schedule, is going to leave at 6:47, you can bet everything you own that it will most certainly leave at 6:47. When people say they will meet you at 5:30, they will likely show up much earlier, and they will never, ever be late. People show up for work and meetings early; it’s a rare occurrence to see someone show up late. I’ve struggled with being punctual, especially with train delays in New York, but I do try hard to be on time to meet friends and always show up to work meetings on time. In New York especially, people are notorious for running late, showing up to meetings late, appearing at restaurants and movies and Broadway shows late — you name it. At some doctor’s offices I’ve visited, they apparently experienced so much lateness that they created a “late policy” where they will charge you $50 if you are more than 15 minutes late to your appointment. It’s gotten to that point. Sadly, lateness is summed up generally by a) disrespect and b) laziness. It’s part of the city culture that people do not respect punctuality.

Cleanliness is one of the major things that just kills me about Japan, and I realized like with being punctual, it’s summed up by a general respect for other people, your environment, and the general world around you. Respect. You don’t want to see trash there, so you won’t litter either, and will carry trash with you until you see a (rare) public rubbish bin, or until you get home. We did this everywhere we went across three cities in Japan. Recycling is also huge there. The majority of trash bins were separated out by bottles, paper, plastic, and “other.” This can really only be found in “green” cities in the U.S. like San Francisco and Atlanta.

Surprisingly, I even enjoyed the bowing, whether it was a simple head nod (which I did a lot there and I actually do with a lot of older family and family friends), or a deep bow like when we left our ryokan, and the front desk guy ran out to give us a 45-degree bow. Respect is a common theme throughout all these cultural aspects about Japan I loved.

The number one thing that sticks out to me where I prefer being in the U.S. over Japan (if I were to live there, that is) is the strict gender roles. Women still seem far more shy, submissive, and demure. My laughter, as I mentioned earlier, really stood out like a sore thumb there. And I know it’s because I was a woman, an Asian woman, in Japan, with that laugh. At an oyster kaiseki meal in Hiroshima one evening, our female waitress served Chris more helpings of oyster and mushrooms in a stew we shared than me. Chris noticed it first. He looked at his bowl, then looked at mine, and asked, “Hey, wait. Why is my serving so much bigger than yours?” I looked at both bowls and started grumbling. About 90 percent of the time, the bill was handed to Chris whenever we dined out, except the one or two times I motioned for the bill to come to me, but it was definitely headed in the direction of Chris.

I’m still stunned, though, by the overall experience of Japan and how enjoyable it was. While they certainly have some catching up to do in the gender equality department, we have a lot of work to do pretty much everywhere else.

Observations in Japan

Posted on by
Reply

The last ten days have gone by so quickly that I am sad to say we are going home tomorrow. Each day has been jam-packed with early morning rises (we woke up pretty much every day between 4-6am and stayed out until at least 9:30-11pm, partly because of our internal body clocks, and also partly because we wanted to maximize our time here as much as possible), lots of sight-seeing, eating of the local foods, and observations of the everyday people who live in Japan as well as those who visit for pleasure. Ten days really isn’t that much time contrary to what a lot of people have said to me; it’s been a whirlwind of events without enough time to really relax and take it all in. Today, Sunday was really our only day to semi relax and wander the streets and go at a relatively leisurely pace.

I’ve seen and observed a lot of interesting things here. Of course, since I’m American and was born and raised in the U.S., my perspective is very obviously western, but these are a few of the things I have noticed in the three cities we have visited that I’ve found intriguing:

1. Obsession with cleanliness: There are rarely rubbish bins in sight anywhere — not throughout train stations, not in a lot of public restrooms, not even by vending machines unless you count the bottle-recycling-specific bins. How does Japan keep so clean when it doesn’t have common places to toss trash? We rarely saw any litter anywhere. And to add to the cleanliness obsession, even the most public restrooms on trains or at temples had toilet seat sanitation wipes or sprays. The cheapest restaurants we visited had complex toilets that allowed you to clean your front and your rear down there. Everything must be very clean at all times. Even your crotch. And even the anime porn has to be clean: again, all the penetration images are pixelated out.

2. Safety and trust in others: There was never a single second when I felt like we were walking through a “shady” neighborhood, and even when the streets did seem a tiny bit more grimy, I always felt safe. We passed by a “parking lot” of bikes on a random street in Kyoto one day, and after some inspecting, we realized that a large chunk of the bikes had no bike locks. Anyone could have just swiped a bike and run off with it, but apparently no one really felt this was a risk, so they decided to just forgo the locks. They trust others to mind their own business.

3. Following rules: I’ve already mentioned how orderly people move up and down stairs in the train stations, but people even line up at the car doors for the actual trains! Lines form where the passengers know the train doors will open (because of the little gates that open when the train arrives either being marked with a picture on the platform floor, or by the actual barriers opening). We saw the lines form everywhere; swarms into the train cars were rare.

4. Quality of service: At our ryokan in Kyoto every evening, we went back to our room to find a few sweet wagashi (Japanese traditional glutinous rice-based sweet treats) on our table with a pot of boiling water and a pot of cold water, a spread of different types of Japanese tea bags, along with our traditional beds laid out. When we checked out, the man working at the front desk not only bowed to us, but chased us outside as we rolled our luggage down the street to say a final goodbye and give us a low bow.

When we arrived in Hiroshima, the person checking us in told us that we were a bit too early and needed to wait a few hours for 2pm check-in to access our room. Chris said this was unacceptable given that he was a platinum IHG member, so as a consolation, not only did they escort us to their gorgeous lounge for complimentary champagne to enjoy while waiting 30 minutes for our actual room to be ready, but they also upgraded us to the executive suite (which by far was the most spacious hotel room I’d ever stayed in, and was likely bigger than our Manhattan apartment), and gave us four free items from the hotel in-room bar.

On our last day in Hiroshima, I waited too long and all the bakeries that sold momijimanju (maple-shaped fried cakes with bean paste or custard filling) closed by the time I wanted to buy some. I walked into our hotel cafe and asked if they sold them individually since I saw that they had the boxed sets of momijimanju on display. The host not only checked the supply with two different colleagues, but apologized to me about five times in different words about not having individual manju for me to buy.

When we arrived in Tokyo for our last leg of the trip, we arrived at our hotel room with our helper, who rolled all of our luggage up for us on a cart, to find that there was a huge baby crib in our room. She apologized profusely about this multiple times, with clear embarrassment on her face, and even made a note of it on our stay record so that when we checked out, the front desk worker mentioned it and apologized yet again.

This was a very long-winded but detailed way of stating that the quality of service here has been far beyond any expectations I’d ever had. It’s like people take it personally when you are disappointed and will go out of their way to make sure that you are 120 percent satisfied with everything they do for you.

5. Nail and eyelash salons: I rarely saw a nail salon that did not also mention eyelashes. Fake eyelashes, eyelash extensions, and mascara are huge for women in Japan. All over Japan regardless of the city, I saw women of all ages with long, thick, fake, extended — everything eyelashes.

6. Women’s shoes: For the most part, the majority of heels I saw women wearing here were fairly practical — probably no higher than two to two and a half inches, which are comfortable for everyday wear and walking. However, if they weren’t wearing low heels, they were wearing these god-awful and extremely high platform shoes, which Chris noticed because he witnessed a girl fall on hers in the middle of a crowded street. I guess my ballet flats aren’t trendy here.

7. Loudness (or quiet): I’ve been told I am loud by quite a number of people, but I’ve never noticed it more than when I’ve been in Japan. I have a loud laugh. I am a woman with a loud laugh. Women do not laugh loudly here. At all. The most they will do is giggle softly while at least half covering their mouths. I do not do that. I won’t do that. I will laugh the way I laugh. And that’s elicited a lot of staring from other tables at restaurants and even people on the street.

8. Vending machines: these things are everywhere on the most random residential streets, and you can get anything from them: cold tea, hot tea, iced (with actual ice) tea and soda and spritzers, even coffee and cappuccinos. It’s like convenience central here.

9. Fish for breakfast: pretty common, and pretty amazing. I’m really going to miss having this in the morning.

10. Japanese trains – subway, shinkansen – everything: So amazing, fast, clean, and efficient. Geez, does the U.S. have a lot to learn. And when (or if) they do, I’m willing to bet it won’t be anywhere as clean, fast, or well-priced. It’s cheaper to take a freaking subway train in Tokyo than it is to take the train one-way on New York City’s MTA, which is gradually increasing its fares, which have gone up about 50 percent since I moved to the damn city only seven years ago. Tokyo has precise time tables for everything. New York does not. That is total crap. The stations even have maps here that show you each subway platform, numbers each of the subway exits, and tells you which car to be at to be closest to the exit you want to go out from. They thought of this, and we didn’t.

11. The Asian Neck Slump: Asian men of all ages seem to bend their necks off to the side while zonking out on the trains. Sometimes, we saw them all lining up with their heads tilted to the sides in rows and rows on the trains. It’s as though it were all in unison and fully coordinated. Except we knew it wasn’t. And they always knew when exactly to wake up and get off the train. I can’t even imagine the types of neck pain they experience afterwards.

Japan has been an overwhelming experience for me. I leave overwhelmed and in awe of it all. Sure, i don’t love everything about it (I know for a fact I would hate being a woman in a society like this), but I don’t love everything about anything, so that wouldn’t be a fair bar, would it?