Christmas 2020 reflections

Well, Christmas and Chris’s birthday have officially arrived this year, and somehow, this whole year seems to be awash. In many ways, it’s felt as though life has been on hold this entire year, waiting for 2020 to end and 2021 to begin. It doesn’t seem to matter how many new recipes I try out, how many videos I shoot and edit, how many books I finish reading (I’m already at 31 with a 32nd coming along), how many podcasts I finish listening to…. this year just feels so bleh. I have no other words for this year other than bleh. Go away. Good riddance. Just end, damnit.

I’ve come to realize a number of things this year, for better or worse. I’ve realized that it doesn’t matter how much I’ve accomplished on my check list or how efficient I have been, but I will never really feel “satisfied” with what I have done. Part of that is because I am anal retentive, and the other part is that my over-achiever side may just be coming out of hiding. I’ve also realized, thanks to a new food friend I made over Instagram, that oftentimes, your closest friends will not be your biggest supporters, that actually, acquaintances and new people you meet will end up being the biggest supporters of side hustles and businesses you try to run. Part of that is due to skepticism and cynicism that you won’t succeed (“haters gonna hate…”). The other part of it likely due to jealousy, whether it’s conscious or subconscious. It’s like this street art I took a picture of while in Brooklyn a few months ago: “If you don’t build your dream, someone will hire you to help build theirs.” Not everyone can make money and create a livelihood following their passion. And the people who do… well, they will have haters simply because others wish they could have done the same thing, but frankly lacked the grit and willpower to get there.

I’ve also more starkly realized that I am just getting more and more impatient with seemingly superficial things. I don’t want to have conversations about stupid cat clocks or drives to get boba when there are bigger things to discuss, like a pending Senate race or a COVID vaccine or even my own shitty health condition with my elbows. Why do people choose to have conversations about totally inconsequential things that we’ll forget about in five minutes rather than issues that are actually persistent and lasting? Is this what people do to “escape” now — lead superficial lives and fill their closets and apartments with a bunch of junk they will never use? The friends I’ve made as a child really are not sticking as well to me as the ones I’ve made in recent years. And the more Zoom conversations I have, the more painfully obvious this seems to ring true.

Or, hey, maybe I’m the one getting senile. That may be true since I am turning 35 in a few weeks. I even found another white hair on my head a few days ago.

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