Last thoughts

Today was another crappy day for me. I went through periods when I just kept tearing up at the most random things, and I felt upset even looking at the clouds in the sky from my window view because I was wondering what Ed was doing up there in heaven. I keep obsessing over what he was feeling and thinking right before he jumped. From what a witness reported who dialed 911, he paced back and forth on the bridge for what appeared to be about 45 minutes before he actually did it. Was he speaking with God? Did he pray that he wouldn’t be found? Did he ask that his parents and sister be all right in the aftermath of his passing? Did he try to speak to me and tell me he loved me one last time?

My mom still isn’t sleeping through the night. I was like that the first few days after he went missing and passed; I would toss and turn and fall asleep in a few hours, then wake up about every two hours throughout the night. At least I know that my brother is at peace and hopefully enjoying himself in heaven… because my family is not at peace and probably will not be for a long, long time.

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