Last night, I dreamt I was back home and browsing Whitney Houston songs on Spotify. As I’m scanning songs to add to a playlist, Ed comes into the room and I immediately run up and throw my arms around him. He hugs me back, and he says he has to go to work, but before that, he has to go to Sears. He is putting on his shoes, and I ask him to wait to go to Sears because I want to go with him. He says he can’t wait; he has to go now. Why? I ask. He looks around to make sure no one else is in sight, and he whispers that he has to go now, otherwise, our father will get angry at him for not spending enough hours at work, and he may not pick him up at work when he gets off late at night. I said to him that was was ridiculous. Of course he’s going to come pick you up! He has to! Wait for me? I ask him again. He doesn’t respond, and I wrap my arms around him tight and squeeze him again. I start crying and tell him I don’t want him to go without me. “Wait for me?” I can feel his arms around me holding me, but he doesn’t respond back.
I awoke from this dream this morning and felt miserable. I lingered in bed for another hour. I read some news, which included news of Beau Biden’s funeral. Many famous politicians were quoted, saying incredible things about this life cut short. Reading the article only made me feel worse. And in the background, Chris is on Skype catching up with his cousin, and they are laughing loudly. I’ve always known that when I hear laughter when I feel sour or upset, I tend to get infuriated by the sound. I hate hearing other people laugh when I’m in a bad mood. It just puts me in an even worse mood. Why should other people laugh when I feel miserable? I don’t want to hear it. I just want to tune it all out.