As the wedding planning continues, it seems like Ed feels left out that he doesn’t get to be here to experience it, or at least listen to me talk about it. I had another dream that I saw him, this time dressed up in a light grey suit, wearing a very unattractive bright blue tie. Then, out of nowhere, all three of the cousins I grew up with are also wearing an identical suit with the exact same tie. Ed heads down the stairs out our family’s house, and all three of my cousins begin walking down, too. When I ask Ed where they are going, he says that they are all headed to a funeral. A mutual friend had passed away. When I asked who, he ignores me, and so do all of my cousins. I feel frustrated and start yelling, which slightly echoes on our block.

It’s been a strange period in my life, researching wedding venues, catering menus, and everything related, knowing that Ed won’t be there during this process or on the day we get married. I always anticipated that he’d ask really annoying questions about things like the menu, if our celebrant was going to be Christian, if I’d ever considered having a church wedding to be in the presence of God. The strangest thing was that the other night, I woke up in the middle of the night, and for a split second I thought I was at our parents’ house, in the room we shared, and I looked to my right expecting to see him sleeping there, but instead, Chris was sleeping beside me, and we weren’t in San Francisco; we were in our hotel room in Torrance for our LA weekend trip. I still have small moments where for a second, I forget he’s really gone, and then when it hits me, I not only feel stupid, but I get that same pain in my eyes that I felt when I knew for certain he was gone. It doesn’t last very long, but just long enough so that I know I’ll never get over losing him.