I haven’t dreamt of Ed in a long while, but last night, he came back to me in my dreams. Maybe he missed me and decided it was time to pay me a visit. Maybe his visit was influenced by the fact that I spoke to my friend over dinner about him last night.

It’s not a happy dream like it was the last time I can remember. I am sobbing again and trying to convince him not to jump off the bridge. This seems to be an old reoccurring theme in dreams that has come back again. He is in the living room of our house and announces to our mother and me that he is planning to jump on Tuesday at 4pm. Nothing we do will stop him; it’s been scheduled and has to go according to plan. I try to tell him that I love him, but he ignores me and walks away. He probably said Tuesday because last year, he jumped on Monday, July 22. This year, July 22 falls on a Tuesday.

Suddenly, a moment in the dream comes where I think, What? He’s still alive? He hasn’t jumped off the bridge yet. I can still save him. I will save him! I will make sure he doesn’t jump! I’m so excited because I think my brother is still living and can have a chance at life.

And then I wake up and realize that he is dead and that dream was just a dream. He really did die almost a year ago. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year. How did time go by so quickly without my Ed in my life?