When Kaia was a baby, I would occasionally feel a little jealous of Chris because I always felt like she preferred him. When she cried, he was usually more capable of calming her down than I was. Even when she cried for one of us, it definitely felt like she cried for him more or harder (to be fair, that could all have just been in my head). Then, I chocked it up to two things: 1) daddy-daughter bond, and 2) he did 90 percent of all her bottle feeds, while I pumped milk, so she likely associated food with her daddy. Maybe he actually was the better parent — who knows!

So now that Kaia is a bit older, she definitely has a sense of both of our different personalities and parenting styles, and she definitely knows what she can do and pull off (or not) with each of us. I am most definitely the softer one; Chris is the stricter one. I hate yelling unless it’s absolutely necessary for safety; Chris is quicker to yell (pros and cons for both). Since I am the softer one, Kaia tends to gravitate to me for a lot of things like brushing teeth (she knows I will play her a Chinese song she likes while completing this activity). She also prefers me when it comes to bathroom time (because I always yell out in Chinese how big her poop is, and she cannot get enough of this reaction :). And as of late, she seems very, very attached to me when I leave the house and she knows she is not coming with me.

She knows that I am going on a girls’ trip soon, and she knows that our friend visiting today and spending the night will be going with me. So Kaia kept asking about where we were going, what plane we were taking, what airlines we’d fly, and then asked if she could come with us. I reassured her that I’d be gone just a few days, and before she knew it, I’d be back. Tonight was my night to take her to do her dream-pee, and when I put her down in bed again, she started crying hysterically when I left the room. She stood up on her bed and just sobbed. I rushed back to the room, and she thought I had already left. I tried to calm her down, but every time I tried to leave after that, she would keep crying for me. So I tried (and failed) to gett her to fall asleep while I lied down next to her. She quickly passed out. I could hear her breathing more heavily. But then as soon as I opened the door to sneak out of her room, she started screaming and demanded I come back. And then, she ran over to me, opened the door even wider, and ran into our bedroom, right to my side of the bed, and lied there… taunting me.

I relented. I didn’t want her to disturb our sleeping friend in the living room too much. I also didn’t want even more broken sleep since we’d be traveling tomorrow. So she got what she wanted and slept next to me, all cuddly next to me, on my pillow, for the rest of the night.

I love cuddling with my Kaia Pookie. I really do. I love that she seems to always want me, always want my attention, presence, and cuddles. At the same time, it’s a constant conflict because while I want all her love, I also want me time, and “me time” means getting away from her and doing my own thing every now and then. As someone wise once said, “You can have it all…. just not all at the same time.” This sage statement can be interpreted in many ways, can’t it?