I met up with a friend for a catchup at a cafe near Kaia’s school this afternoon. We recently celebrated her upcoming birth with a baby shower. When we met up, she was noticeably tense. I know she hasn’t been sleeping well due to the baby moving around a lot, plus not being able to find a comfortable enough position, which is pretty common in this later stage of pregnancy. She also hasn’t been eating well, as she’s had pretty bad acid reflux, which has caused her to vomit several times. So now, she tries to eat small meals instead of any one big meal at a time.

She was confiding in me that she was feeling a lot of frustration with her dad and sister for pushing her to get married to “protect” herself given the pending birth of a baby. They were giving her grief for not doing enough to plan for her and the baby’s housing and protection in the event her relationship ended or god forbid, if her partner suddenly died from catastrophic causes. Her sister had also insinuated that she was making a lot of decisions and living her life by going along with whichever partner she was with or whomever she was close friends with at the time. In the same breath, she also honestly acknowledged that she’s really struggled with criticism and not taking it personally. Though she recognizes that people do often give critiques because they want to help you or know you can be better, she oftentimes internalizes it and sees it all as a personal attack.

I didn’t say much to any of this. I just asked her questions about the context, how these comments made her feel. I am sure some of the follow-up questions I asked would also reveal my own opinion on these topics even if I didn’t openly speak up about it out loud. But it was a difficult conversation because frankly, I agree with a lot of the points her family is making. These observations her family is making has context because they are patterns she’s exhibited her whole life, and no one would be able to see that better than those who have been around her this long; I’m included in that small group of people. But there’s no way to nicely tell someone that they change with the winds, that they culturally appropriate or adapt the views or interests of those around them so easily. Of course, it will all be met with defensiveness. I also know even without her saying it that she’s delicate and cannot handle feedback like this. People like her dad, sister, or I who have opinions like this are just being “assholes.”

So, I’m just trying to be a good friend and listen and not judge. It’s not like my opinion matters anyway because she’s never looked to me for advice. You kind of have to wait for people to crash and burn on their own for them to see how the decisions they’ve made will ultimately shape their lives. It’s a hard and awkward position to be in, though, because good friends always want to help. But like in so many situations, you can only help those who want your help. I know this from experience, and as I get older, I have to keep reminding myself that people never change because of other people telling them to have to; that desire to change has to come from within.