Quiet moments

Since Chris has gone back on family leave, the only bottle feeds that I do for the baby now are at 10 PM three days a week, on the nights when our night nurse is not with us. While doing her bottle feeds when Chris was on leave was stressful and exhausting on top of managing my pumping schedule, doing her bottle feeds on these evenings is actually a bit enjoyable now, if I do want to admit it out loud. These are the times when it’s just the two of us in the living room, and I am feeding her, observing her, listening to her little sounds, and enjoying quiet time together. My favorite time while feeding her on these evenings is while I am burping her and figuring out whether she is still hungry or not. I have her positioned so that her head is just over my shoulder, and I am holding her body up while patting and massaging her back. Often times, when she is full, she will start to fall asleep and get into a koala position while on me. And while I hear the sound of her little breath and feel her chest go up and down, I remember how lucky I am to have her, happy and healthy. I stroke her hair and rub her back, and I lean back to relax with my baby in my arms. And I think to myself, even though today was a shitty day in terms of the amount of pain I had in my left elbow and my right wrist, and even though I am still sleep deprived and really dying for a full night’s sleep, while also trying to reconfigure my pumping schedule down to six pumps a day so that I hopefully don’t compromise my milk supply, but also try to regain back some of my life and perhaps some sleep, I am so grateful. This tiny human is slowly becoming a little bit less tiny every single day. She is cooing and babbling, taking in the world around her and observing more and more. Her wake windows are longer, and she wants more interaction and stimulation from us. I can see that she looks for me in rooms now, and she can see farther and farther away. Sometimes, she turns when she hears my voice. And in the mornings when I am pumping and entertaining her at the same time, while she is babbling, she will stop and carefully study my face when I sing to her. These are the moments that make me unbelievably happy.

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