Being present but grieving

My mind has been racing since it was confirmed yesterday that I am, in fact, pregnant with identical twins. Of course, I showed my therapist a picture of the sonogram this morning during our session and told her. I told her I’ve been having anxiety before each appointment, wondering if my HCG levels would drop or if they’d find something abnormal on the ultrasound.

“Yvonne, today, you are pregnant with twins,” my therapist said. “You are pregnant with twins. Be in the present. We have no idea and no control what will happen tomorrow, so focus on this moment right here and right now.”

I’ve been practicing my breathing exercises and continuing with my meditation to center myself more. But aside from that, I’ve also thought a lot recently about Ed and how he would react to know that his sister was pregnant with identical twins. He would be so excited at the idea of twins. I always knew that once I were to have kids, he’d likely spoil them rotten, give them candy behind my back, and give them all the latest toys on the market. That’s just how generous and loving he was. He had no clue how to be otherwise. He’d also likely never help with diapers or anything dirty, but, well, at least he’d be consistent. No, none of this is being present, but it’s grieving the past and what should be here now that is not.

“It’s really fucking unfair that he cannot be here,” I told my therapist, tearing up. “He should be able to be here to experience this joy with me.”

I told her that when I first made the appointment for the consultation at this clinic, I originally requested the appointment with another doctor that my OB-GYN recommended to me. Because her schedule was backed up for another month, the clinical assistant scheduling me suggested that I meet with the second doctor (there were only two doctors here given this is a boutique clinic), who had availability that was sooner. Given I just wanted a consult, I agreed. And when I saw his first name was Edward, I thought… well, maybe it’s a sign. He has the same name as my brother, so maybe he will be successful at helping us get pregnant.

The second sign was when the night before my egg retrieval, I dreamt that Ed took me to my egg retrieval procedure. It felt like he was watching over me, hoping for the best for us.

I shared this with my therapist, and she said it’s all likely true: I’ve found a way to incorporate him into my life even though he’s not physically here, and he is watching over us, trying to do what he can to help us.

The world is a really unfair, unequal place. There are so many people who have died for reasons that should never have happened. So many people face injustices completely out of their control or line of sight. So many couples and women face sub- and infertility for years and years longer than we ever did and have yet to see a positive pregnancy test. I am still waking up each morning, thankful that we have gotten even this far and hoping for the best for our two miracle survivor embryos to continue growing and becoming eventual little humans on this earth.

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