Since I was 11, I’ve been actively reading about mental health, illness, and suicide. It was obviously influenced by my brother’s first suicide attempt and his condition, as I’m quite certain the average 11-year-old doesn’t seek out information like this in his/her free time. Now, as a suicide loss survivor (as I’m told I am labeled now), I still actively read news and publications around mental health and suicide prevention. It seems as though it doesn’t matter whether I am 11 or 31, or whether I am a loss survivor or potentially one day a social worker or mental health educator; we will never fully know “enough” to completely and truly understand the complexities of depression, the desire for suicide, or the ultimate ways to rationally separate the notion of ending suffering from ending life for someone who is in need.

So a few days ago, a TED Talk from November 2016 popped up in my Facebook feed, and it happened to be done by Sue Klebold, the mother of Dylan Klebold, one of the two teenagers who were responsible for the mass murder at Columbine High School in 1999. Her son was deeply depressed, but his depression went completely undetected by both her and her husband, their older son, and the school and its staff. That then begs the question of: how does a suicidal tendency become a homicidal one at the same time? She doesn’t answer the question in her TED talk, as that would be very difficult to answer given the sparse data we have on this, but she does touch on the suffering that can go undetected with even the most careful eyes, and the idea that no matter how loving and attentive you are as a parent, you may never fully know your children at all.

It was only about 15 minutes of presentation, but it was still really hard for me to watch. We forget this when we remember Columbine, but it was a mass murder and a suicide. Two boys took their own lives after killing 13 others. Their parents have to live every day knowing that not only did their sons murder over a dozen people, but their sons also shot themselves dead by choice. I still have moments throughout the day now when I acutely feel the pain of losing my brother to suicide, and it’s been over three and a half years now. I cannot even begin to fathom the pain of losing him and knowing that he could have taken the lives of others, as well.

Isn’t that a scary thought, though, that you could bring human beings into the world who you never ultimately know or understand at all? The thought is so chilling.

That’s kind of how I feel about my parents. Except at least I’m not a mass murderer.