The last two weeks have been really grueling for me. It’s not even just because of all the work travel, the flight delays and cancellations and the unforeseen hotel stays in cities I didn’t think I’d end up in. It’s because as the day gets closer to the wedding, all I think about is the fact that Ed won’t be there. It sounds really obsessive, unhealthy, and maniacal to a degree, but I can’t really help it. It tends to happen whenever I finish something and feel good about it, or when I am thinking about the food or the decor and in the back of my mind, I wonder what he would have thought about it. Lately, it’s because I’ve been listening to potential wedding music, and every song I choose to listen to seems to remind me of him. And then I tear up and think…. why can’t he be here with us? I’ve told this to so many people, but when you are planning big events in your life, whether it’s your upcoming graduation, your wedding, your child’s birth, you always think that the people you love the most will be there for you. So when they aren’t, it’s absolutely heart wrenching, especially when they aren’t here due to unnatural causes.

I feel the way I do about my wedding the way I do about the anniversary of his death and his birthday. As the day approaches, I feel like I am getting closer and closer to seeing him again. He will make an appearance in some way, or I will feel his presence even though I know he is physically not there. There’s no logic in any of that thinking; it’s just a feeling I have in my gut.  I wish he were here. I need to see him again.