All my female friends have dreaded turning thirty. I’ve mumbled negative sentiments about it, especially given that thirty seems to be an ugly age for Asian moms thinking about their not-yet-married daughters. “When would they have children — after thirty?” they think to themselves in horror (or in my case, out loud directly to me). For some reason, our society has decided that the beginning of each new decade is a big deal, a milestone of some sort that warrants extra love and attention — or maybe just the latter.
Today, I turn thirty. It’s kind of weird to think that my twenties are officially over, that now I’m headed into the next decade of my life that will likely be filled with more career development, hopefully deeper and more meaningful relationships, new homes, and future children on the horizon — if I am so lucky to have them. For the longest time, I always felt older than my age, but today, I don’t feel that way at all. I feel just right at this point in my life regarding my age and my level of maturity and awareness of my surroundings and the world.
What is scary about turning thirty or just getting another year older for me personally is that each year older I get, the closer and closer I get to the final age my brother lived to see. Each year, I am getting older and older. My number is increasing. The lines on my face will increase. My hair will gradually lose its youthful sheen and slowly but surely turn gray and white. My skin will grow less elastic. But his number stays the same forever. The way I remember his face will always be the same — that same youthful, nearly unwrinkled face, with a bit of acne here and there, and an innocent smile that was naive and ignorant to most of the world. He is 33 forever, and that is still something I struggle to think about. How can I be getting older each and every day, yet his age, face, and body are stuck in the same hour of his life forever?
If Ed were here, what would he say to my turning 30? He’d probably think it was weird to think that his little sister was more of an adult now that she had finished her twenties. He’d marvel over how far I’ve come, living away from home, supposedly climbing up the career ladder and being so self-sufficient. If I had to be fully honest, I don’t think I’ve gotten exactly to the point career-wise I thought I’d be at 30. In a lot of ways, I’ve disappointed myself. We are always our own worst critics, but I’m not satisfied professionally, and that should be one of the most important areas of my life now, especially since I don’t have children yet. Part of that is due to some level of laziness, and I’m sure it’s also due to timing, as well. You know things aren’t going well professionally when you stop feeling challenged, or when you feel like no one really respects your opinion at work. I never entered the work force wanting to be popular or well liked; I just wanted to succeed, as abstract and vague as that may sound. Ed would give me more credit than I deserve. It’s all relative in that way, I suppose.
Every birthday I celebrate, I think, I wish Ed were here to call me to wish me a happy birthday. I don’t expect or want any gifts — just a phone call. It won’t happen, though. It’s the saddest part about getting older.