This is by far the moodiest Christmas season I’ve ever had. My mood has gone from very high and happy while in New Zealand to depressed and sobbing on Christmas Eve. I’m still not sure if it is linked to Ed leaving me this year or if it’s just because I can’t get over how dysfunctional my wider family is, especially when compared with Chris’s.

I’ve found myself really missing my parents, especially when I’ve spoken with them over the phone the last several days. Even though my mom doesn’t celebrate Christmas anymore ever since she converted to being a Jehovah’s Witness, the last Christmas and this year, I can tell just by the sound of her voice that she’s very sad that I am not physically there for her. Pre-2012, I had been home for Christmas every year except 2008, so she still isn’t used to my being away at that time of the year.

Home isn’t the happiest place for me, but it’s still home. I love my parents and miss them. I love Ed and am still grappling with the fact that I will never see him again. Even though I am not home for Christmas and would not expect to see him at home, it still feels as though he is missing.

Why am I so moody, Ed?

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