Christmas blues

Ed loved Christmas. He loved everything about it – Christmas trees, ornaments, and lights, gift giving, apple cider and Starbuck’s peppermint hot chocolate, Santa Claus – you name it. He was always extremely generous in his gift giving, even for those who gave him nothing in return. And during the Christmas season, he would give back to those less fortunate to him by volunteering in homeless shelters and serving food for them. It’s still hard for me to believe sometimes that he is gone forever. The world has lost one of the most selfless people I’ve ever known. I still wake up in shock occasionally when I realize that the last several months were not a nightmare and it was all a reality. My brother is dead.

I guess this is what it feels like to get depressed around Christmas. So many songs have been written about feeling empty and lonely on Christmas, and before I could never fully relate to it because I’d never really lost anyone I loved so deeply who I associated with Christmas. And now I have. Maybe this feeling will be the worst this year because this is the first Christmas for which Ed hasn’t been around. Or maybe the feeling will continue to creep up on me every year around November and December; I can’t be certain of it yet.

This world wasn’t good enough for him to continue to live in, so I hope that the Christmases he celebrates in heaven are exponentially happier than any of the ones he ever had on earth. I promise I won’t get jealous that he is having a better time celebrating Christmas with angels than with me here.

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