Before and after

I’ve been working on cleaning out and filing my personal e-mail inboxes and organizing photos on my back-up drives, amongst a lot of other tedious types of busywork that needs to get done since I’ve been back in San Francisco. Without even being conscious of it, I realized today that the entire time I was going through photos and e-mails, when I’d look at the date of each, I would think, “this is before Ed left me,” or “this is after Ed left me.” It’s as though life through my eyes has only two eras – Before Ed (passed), and After Ed (passed). Any other era doesn’t seem to exist right now.

I miss Ed. Being home only magnifies how much I miss him and wish we could take another walk to Honey B Tea House on Clement Street like when we last went out alone together back in March. At dinner tonight, my mom pulled up a fourth chair at the table to place her purse on, and I immediately thought, Ed should be sitting in that chair right now. I miss my brother’s sweet innocence, even how he says “I don’t know” to things that he probably should know. He deserved more than what this world gave him. This isn’t fair.

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