I realized today that for the last several days, when I am seemingly relatively calm and quiet, my heart seems to be beating a lot faster than it maybe should be. It’s so obvious that when I am having conversations with people at work, I am cognizant of it. I’m not sure exactly why this would be the case… other than the fact that my brother is gone, my parents are miserable, and I’m preparing to enter a big stress zone pretty soon. Peace seems very far away right now.
Ed doesn’t seem to want to come back to me now. The last few nights, I have asked him in my head to come back to me because I miss him, and he hasn’t come. In fact, I wake up remembering I have dreamt, but I cannot remember what happened. This is probably his brotherly way of telling me to be strong and independent and not lean on him so much. I can’t help it. I’ve spent the last 27.5 years being used to having him around, so it’s going to take me a long time to accept this current life without him. When that will be is still uncertain and to be determined.