Today marks one month since my sweet, beloved brother left this earth and went to heaven. It’s still hard to believe that he is not in the same form as we all are. The strange thing is that even though he has been gone for this long, I still feel his presence around me all the time. It’s like he is living through me inside of me. It almost makes me feel more at ease at times.

The other day, I contemplated what death actually feels like. I know none of us will know for sure until it’s our time, but I thought about it anyway and did Google searches for “what death feels like.” I came across a blog written by a mother whose 20-year-old son committed suicide by a self-inflicted gun shot wound four years ago. In it, she discusses how she can still feel his presence around her, and eventually begins communicating with her son through mediums. He tells her that death isn’t as bad as people imagine it to be. It’s really just like being alive, except that your soul leaves your physical body, and with it, it leaves behind all worry, stress, and every other negative feeling. You are then left with all of the memories of your earthly life in heaven, which is filled only with happiness – and love. I guess in this case, happiness and love are the same thing.

I hope that is where you are, Ed. I want anguish and suffering to be a distant memory of your past, and only love and happiness in your current place. Selfishly, though, I wish you were still here, just without the pain that drove you to leave me. I miss you so much. Please smile down on me from heaven every now and then and let me know you still love me and are watching over me.