As I’ve become an adult and had to deal with my parents and their foibles, I’ve realized that increasingly, my fear is that I will become just like them as parents when and if the day comes that I have my own children. As a parent, you always want to try to do your best, but the scary thing is… what if your “best” isn’t enough? Before people become parents, they often think back to the things that their own parents did that they liked and did not like and hope to replicate the good and not repeat the bad. Over the years, I’ve talked about a “mental list of things not to do when I am a parent.” I kept telling myself I would write it down and put it up somewhere to remind myself. Well, maybe I will put it up here.

1. Don’t tell your child “one step wrong, and then everything goes wrong.” No one is perfect. We all fuck up and make mistakes. That is what you call “life.”
2. Don’t tell your child you will do something for them and not do it. They will remember it forever.
3. Don’t name call your child. Then, you are being childish, aren’t you?
4. Don’t call your child stupid or an idiot. This reiterates number 3 above.
5. Don’t hit your child with a metal fly swatter.
6. If you end up sending your child to private school or college and paying for her tuition, when you have arguments, don’t scream at them and demand they pay every penny back to you.
7. Don’t make your child feel guilty about having an education. Education is compulsory in every developed western society.
8. Never tell your children that they “owe” you and the debt can never be repaid. You brought them into this world. That was your choice, wasn’t it? (well, we’d like to assume so).
9. Don’t make up stories about your child’s life and then start accusing them that these things are true when you are angry.
10. Don’t tell your child that you are the best parent in the world. No one is the best. No one.
11. Don’t tell your child that every other parent is inferior, especially her in-laws once she gets married. This is just not nice. Enough said.
12. Don’t tell your child that she is a bad daughter. Again, not nice.
13. When a great event happens in your child’s life, don’t nitpick and scream over the tiny details that didn’t go as planned. Glass fully empty and the faucet doesn’t work, anyone?
14. Don’t open letters/cards addressed to your child. That’s none of your business.
15. Don’t badmouth people your child likes to her face. And don’t badmouth your spouse to your child.
16. Don’t call your daughter a prostitute.
17. Don’t tell your depressed child that he needs to try harder.
18. Don’t tell your child that she should learn to ride a bike herself.
19. Don’t call your child weak or dumb when she cries.
20. Never tell your child that he is worthless or that no one respects him or cares about him.
21. Don’t expect your child to spend 100 percent of her time at home with you. That’s being selfish.
22. Don’t pay for meals for your child and get mad when she doesn’t offer to pay. Then, when she does offer and pay, get mad at her for paying. See the no-win situation here?
23. When your child gives you gifts, don’t scoff and say it “only cost X amount — that’s just peanuts.” You are just asking for no gifts ever again.
24. When your child points out something you do that is a flaw, don’t come back with “Well, what about you?” and point out something completely unrelated. Remember, act like an adult with your child.
25. Don’t accuse your child of loving or liking other people more than you and your spouse.
26. In fact, don’t accuse your child of not loving or caring about you.
27. Don’t compare your child to his face with other children. Would you want to be compared as a parent?!
28. Don’t demand that your child call you every single day after s/he has left home.
29. Don’t tell your child that she lacks wisdom and that you have a lot. If you have to say it, then you don’t.
30. Don’t assume that just because you are the parent that your child will respect you. Respect is always earned. Demanding respect doesn’t get you anywhere.