Last night, I was going over dessert selections for our wedding and deciding what sweets we wanted to offer. We tasted a number of options that we liked during our visit to Southern California last month, and it will definitely be a tough decision to finalize which ones we want to move forward with. As I was going over the selection and the costs, I found myself thinking about Ed and which ones he would want the most. He always like fruit filled desserts as well as chocolate anything, so as long as that was on the table, he’d be happy and satisfied. I thought about the chocolate mousse with raspberries we tasted and how much he would have loved that, and the oreo and s’more items we tried. The list is endless of the things he would have enjoyed and have been excited about if he were here.

It makes me sad to plan this and know that as each day goes by, we get closer to the big day when he will not be there to enjoy and celebrate with us. I thought about when I have thought about him during this process, and it tends always to be at moments when I am happy or excited about something. I rarely think about him when drama arises with my aunt or my cousins, or when friends or family have made up bullshit reasons for not coming. My brother would have been there no matter what; that’s what siblings do for you. They’re not like your flaky friends from high school or your cousins who say they look at you like you’re siblings, but in practice do not at all, only when it’s convenient for them. Siblings make each other their priority in life; they are extensions of yourselves. if you fail your sibling, you are failing yourself. The sad thing is, this doesn’t apply to my dad or his siblings, but with Ed and me, this was very true. And that makes me even sadder to know he won’t be there for this day.