Last night, I had a dream that Ed was still alive, but I didn’t really know he was alive. I went back home, and suddenly, he’s back at the dining room table when I walk through the door. I sit down next to him and he brings up that he heard about the trip I’ve been planning to Montreal for our parents. “Can I come, too?” he asked. His eyes looked so sweet and innocent, and instantly I felt this incredible sense of guilt that I didn’t invite him. But how could I have invited him if I thought he were dead? I agreed immediately that of course he could come, and that I’d buy his plane ticket to Montreal that night.

I called Chris after this conversation, and I said that Ed wanted to come to Montreal, too. “Are you sure he wants to come on a trip with your parents?” Chris asked. “I guess he’s going to have to stay in our room,” I responded. I proceeded to go online and buy my brother’s flight.

We’re not actually taking my parents on a trip to Montreal, but to Vancouver, and the entire time I am looking at flights and trying to figure out which ticket to buy him, I think, how is it possible that he was dead for the last year and nine months, yet he’s back now? Is everything just the way it was before he died? How are we supposed to act and just be now?